Had my first O but haven’t told my DH

    So a few weeks back, I had my first O.   I know I should be happy, but I’m not.   I got it when I was alone, and using a toy.

    I have secretly been using our toy,  after DH leaves for work.  Usually once a day, but sometimes twice.   I love playing with it, but when I actually had an orgasm, I was so shocked by the intense pleasure, I started to cry.  I became emotional.

    I feel like I have cheated on my husband.  I still use the toy and I O almost every time .  I think I am realizing what sex is supposed to feel like and what I have been missing out on.

    I need to tell my husband.  I want him to know I can orgasm.  But how do I do that without crushing his ego?

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      From what you’ve said previously you clearly struggle to O during LM. Do either of you do clitoral stimulation during PIV? I know all women are different, but that is by far the best method for me and DW – clitoral on it’s own can get her to O but not reliably or particularly intensely, and PIV on it’s own is underwhelming or even uncomfortable. But both at the same time ticks all the boxes. If you’ve not been trying that so far, I can recommend!

      Twin bed Answered on February 9, 2020.
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        It sounds like he wants you to orgasm and would be thrilled to see you orgasm. Why not just reintroduce the toy back to your MB and have him use it on you and see if it happens? If it does, MAYBE you go ahead at that point and tell him about your solo experience or at some later point after you’ve had several orgasms with him in control? I love watching DW orgasm as I use a toy on her. For me, it is better than me having one.  When he sees how much pleasure it gives you, I doubt that he’d care that you had a solo experience, especially if it helped you to orgasm together. Nothing selfish about that.

        Some will disagree, but I’m not sure that we have to share every intimate detail with our spouses, especially if it will damage the relationship.  Some things are better left unsaid.


        King bed Answered on February 10, 2020.
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          I know our sexuality is to be shared with our spouse, this is a given, and this board is The Marriage after all.
          However it is pretty clear to me that women tend to find our way much later than men when it comes to achieving climax.
          Here’s a really simple question…..
          Are there ANY married men that have not masturbated to climax before their wedding day?

          How many women have masturbated to climax before their wedding day?

          If we don’t know ourselves, it’s kinda difficult to share our sexuality.
          And women are COMPLICATED…..the clitoral region is much larger than that little nib we tend to think of, and the pathway to climax is varied from time, place and person…..so many factors can cause climax to become elusive.

          Our husband’s arrive to the marriage bed already knowledgeable about themselves, and honestly, they are anatomically pretty straight forward and outfront (no pun intended lol).

          We wives have the hurdle of being able to know ourselves well enough to teach and show our husbands.

          If any couples are lucky enough to figure this out together, you have my kudos because I believe it’s a relatively rare experience. To be vulnerable and shy, to close down all those open tabs that would allow the possibility of a climax possible would be difficult enough, and on top of that find the right touch, speed, pattern and region…..for the very first time! It’s actually AMAZING women climax at all, sometimes we stumble upon the very 1st time. That being said, it’s a lot like riding a bike…..once you know it, you can get there again because you kinda know what the heck you’re doing lol.

          The first thing I want you to do is give yourself grace! God is not rigid, tyrannical or legalistic. He is LOVE. And you and your DH are to display that love one to another. No fear, delight and love and freedom. I think you need to celebrate this beautiful thing you discovered, God did not make you broken, He gave you life abundantly to share with your husband! Do not allow ill conceived shame or condemnation to steal this victory from your marriage bed.
          Run, so not walk to your husband and share your victory. And SHARE it, the emotion, the trepidation you have, the victory, the sadness that it wasn’t by his hand or a shared experience, but by sharing your heart, mind and body, you can make it so now. This is a beautiful tender thing, and as a young couple this can be tremendously bonding. Attitude is everything.
          Honey, I am married 25 years this year and while my experience isn’t yours, I was pretty late being my own advocate. A marital aid/toy is just about the only way I can climax unless the stars are aligned, it’s a Tuesday and a the Dow Jones Industrial Average is up 20%. And we’ve only used marital aids for the last couple of years. Be your own advocate. Once I found my voice in the marriage bed, we’re both a lot happier. If you deny your sexual needs being fulfilled, it’s not the marriage bed God intended. As a couple you can shine when you are both busy blessing one another. You now can help him help you….. shine@

          Queen bed Answered on February 11, 2020.
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            It seems to me that there are at least 2 issues here:

            1. you can reach orgasm from a toy but not from your husband (or at least not yet). You feel guilty about this and worry about the effect on your husband’s happiness
            2. you started using a toy with your husband but were concerned about point 1 and decided to stop using it together. At some time after that, you started using it solo and have taught yourself to orgasm. You feel guilty about this as you feel it’s a betrayal of your husband’s trust.

            On point 1, you and your husband need to discuss it and agree what to do in future. Some couples use toys as part of lovemaking, others prefer not to. Some couples are happy with solo masturbation, others only when both are present. You need to find an arrangement that works for you as a couple.

            On point 2, I think the best thing is just to be honest and tell your husband. If you suddenly suggest using a toy again and can suddenly orgasm from it when you couldn’t before, he’s going to get suspicious and will probably work out for himself that you’ve been using it solo so better to just come clean and tell him. I suspect that he’s already noticed that something’s not quite right, he’s just not sure what it is.

            Fell out of ... Answered on February 11, 2020.
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              I didn’t have my first O until way after 3 kids and life’s stuff.   It came only after DH went to the store and bought a magic wand.  Now we are transitioning from that first step together.  I just can’t go into a store and talk about my sex life.  I can’t talk to my friends either so I am glad DH made the first step.  Please tell him and together you can talk about incorporating it into your together life.

              Double bed Answered on February 14, 2020.
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                We had bought a few toys a couple of months back, so having the toys wasn’t a secret.   We had decided to stop using the toy, and just ML the old fashioned way.  I loved using the toy with DH but deep down I felt I loved it too much.  It was giving me feelings I hadn’t ever experienced before.  But when I started to desire it all the time, and use it when DH wasn’t home, I started to really feel guilty.   But I didn’t stop using it.  It almost felt taboo.  Like I was having an affair with a huge lover. 🙁  Now that it has given me an O, I both love it and hate it.   I just wish my DH could have been the one to make me O, somehow.

                Queen bed Answered on February 8, 2020.


                If I’m not mistaken, you said that it is “our toy” and that you bought it together. Your husband seems okay with you having a big, realistic dildo even knowing that he can’t compete with it in terms of size. I don’t think that he minds knowing that you will enjoy the experience of using it if he didn’t mind you getting it in the first place.

                I, like you, have one that is very realistic and much bigger than my husband. He loves using it on me and doesn’t mind that I use it alone as well.  Believe me, he is very aware that it is a lot bigger than he is. It sounds like, all things considered, you don’t want to stop using it. I think that your husband just might be happy and turned on that you love what using it does for you. Hopefully, he won’t feel betrayed by your using it without him. You need to be open and honest while reassuring him that he comes first, you love him, and that this isn’t a replacement for him. Maybe you can show him what you have learned using it and let him enjoy learning to use it on you in a way that can bring you to orgasm. Even the process of trial and error and experimentation can be fun and erotic for him and probably both of you. I hope that I am not far off base with this and pray for the best for both of you.


                on February 9, 2020.
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                  I’m glad it happened for you. Clearly you need to communicate this with him. One idea might be to ask if you can show him something/something you’ve been working on and masterbate and use the toy to show him how it’s helped. At that point, you’ll need to come to a decision together about the use of toys.

                  Under the stars Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                    I understand where you’re coming from. It took me nine years to orgasm after DH and I were married. I didn’t have a good education growing up and didn’t even realize my body could orgasm. I heard about orgasming from a few different places and got curious and looked it up. When I realized I was missing something I looked up how to orgasm, went and bought a vibrator and experimented until it worked. It was an amazing feeling. My husband also didn’t know a woman could orgasm. So once I realized what my body could do I showed him and he was happy for me. I still can’t orgasm just from PIV but he joins me with me using the vibrator and him touching me and things. Don’t let your guilt keep you from sharing with your husband as it’s an amazing feeling and really makes sex so much more enjoyable. It gives you the desire to be with your husband more often once you don’t have barriers between you.

                    Double bed Answered on February 9, 2020.
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                      Congratulations on your first O.

                      As others have said, you need to let your husband know that you have learned how to orgasm, and then incorporate that method into your love making. I am sure when he knows you can get pleasure from sex he will be very happy.  It took my wife many, many years to learn how to orgasm, and our sex life has improved vastly since her discovery. My wife uses a wand to achieve orgasm, and although she does not O during PIV sex, while she is using the wand there are other ways I touch her that are pleasurable for her, and which are very exciting for me as well.

                      On the floor Answered on February 9, 2020.
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                        If you were my wife, I would be so happy for you!  Having this type of pleasure is awesome and nothing to be ashamed of. I would definitely share your new found pleasure with your husband. I think he will be thrilled, something you can do together. I have told my wife many times, she is free to use her vibrator any time she wants, with or without me.

                        Fell out of ... Answered on February 9, 2020.
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