Had my first O but haven’t told my DH

    So a few weeks back, I had my first O.   I know I should be happy, but I’m not.   I got it when I was alone, and using a toy.

    I have secretly been using our toy,  after DH leaves for work.  Usually once a day, but sometimes twice.   I love playing with it, but when I actually had an orgasm, I was so shocked by the intense pleasure, I started to cry.  I became emotional.

    I feel like I have cheated on my husband.  I still use the toy and I O almost every time .  I think I am realizing what sex is supposed to feel like and what I have been missing out on.

    I need to tell my husband.  I want him to know I can orgasm.  But how do I do that without crushing his ego?

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    24 Answer(s)

      Congrats on having your first orgasm(s)!

      I’m sure you have been consider the various options. You haven’t shared what kind of toy you are using. Depending on what you are using – it may impact his ego differently.

      If it is an external vibe you could do a direct, upfront sharing of what you have been doing. Or, you could explain you bought a toy and want his help in using it. As you both share the experience together, perhaps what he did with the toy would get you to another O by you coaching him about what feels good (as you already know that). Or, you could both hold the toy and you direct it to the way in which you like it. After getting there, you could rejoice in getting there together and then you could share the rest of the story

      If you are using a dildo the way you bring this up might be totally different, as it could be perceived in a totally different way.

      Or, you could come to him in humility and openness and explain how you have wanted to O and you have taking things into your own hands and explain how badly you fee.

      That’s what comes to mind for now.

      Under the stars Answered on February 8, 2020.
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        Hello.  One thing to remember is that everyone here has a wide variety of beliefs, so remember that my views here are simply that.

        I introduced a toy for my DW within the last year or so due to my DW having issues reaching O during our LM.  It didn’t hurt my ego at all – in fact, I love it as it gets her (and therefore me) in to our session.  If your husband wrestles with that, I would suggest he study it more (and more from a scientific/case study standpoint.)  The media, health magazines, and of course porn has been teaching lies on this subject for years – that a man’s ability/size is what leads women to O.  It’s simply not the case.

        Having said that, I think there’s a bigger issue here.  I think the fact that you have guilt surrounding this is good – I think that you know you’re depriving your husband of sharing your sexual pleasure, and that you should confess that to him (and God.)  This is just my conviction, but the marriage bed and sex is supposed to grow you and your DH together.  However, it sounds like your current experience is actually driving you apart – you are doing it in secret, without him, and more frequently.  On a certain level, you are writing him out of your sexual experience.  I think he will be far more hurt that you weren’t sharing this experience with him than that you are looking to toys to reach O.  I think once there’s been reconciliation, you should find something that works for the both of you.  Maybe, before heading out for work, he can please you with the toy (and maybe you can return the favor by taking care of him.)  That way, both the quantity and quality of your needs are being met but it’s shared with your DH to grow your intimacy, vulnerability, and life closer together instead of becoming a wedge.

        Queen bed Answered on February 8, 2020.
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          You have a very positive challenge! Yes, you do need to tell your husband the good news. Importantly, you need to talk about masturbation and use of toys. Be honest with each other about masturbation and martial aids. Do the two of you have agreement about masturbation? About the use of toys? Do talk with him as soon as possible.

          You may be delightfully (quite likely) surprised that he sees masturbation and the use of toys with and without him, just fine even quite positive. Husbands delight in the orgasms of their wives. 


          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on February 8, 2020.
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            My DW got her first orgasm ever a couple of years after we got married and while masturbating without me. After that, we did it together and got better and better at it together.

            I was sad and disappointed when she told me quite some time later that the first orgasm she had together with me wasn’t her first, which I had thought and been very happy and proud of after years of trying. I was not disappointed at all that she was masturbating and finally had an orgasm on her own. I think that was SO HOT to know, and that is why I was/am disappointed that she didn’t tell me about it right away. We had been trying for so long and she knew how I longed for her to orgasm, and then she didn’t tell me when she had.

            So, from this experience, which seems a bit like your situation, my advice is to tell him very soon that you finally have managed to have orgasm(s) and that you masturbate. Ask if he would like to join in and experience it together with you. I bet he thinks it’s hot and that he would like to be with you in that moment…


            Queen bed Answered on February 8, 2020.
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              If I remember rightly, you posted a while back saying that you were having difficulty reaching orgasm with your husband and that you’d bought a toy and were enjoying it, but had decided to stop using it.

              If that’s the case, I assume that your husband knows you have a toy, but you’ve told him you’re not going to use it because you want your first orgasm to come from him.

              He’ll probably feel lied to when you tell him. However, there is also a positive here in that you now know how to reach orgasm, and if you incorporate a toy in your lovemaking can probably have multiple orgasms.

              Fell out of ... Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                Speaking for my views as a DH;

                I remember when my DW came home from a lingerie party with her first toy. Just a little vibrating egg, but I couldn’t wait to see her show me how it worked, and work for her it did! It came in handy when I was away on business, which also worked for me when I thought about her using it. Thinking about it, if she had got it, and not told me, and I found out later, the thought of her using it alone, STILL arouses me!

                I had no hurt feelings, or damaged ego. None of the other toys we both bought for her after that, either. Fact is, it’s always hot to think about. I think you need to tell him, and I also think he will be thrilled that you finally O’d. I also think it will be even better when you two do it together!

                Hammock Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                  We had bought a few toys a couple of months back, so having the toys wasn’t a secret.   We had decided to stop using the toy, and just ML the old fashioned way.  I loved using the toy with DH but deep down I felt I loved it too much.  It was giving me feelings I hadn’t ever experienced before.  But when I started to desire it all the time, and use it when DH wasn’t home, I started to really feel guilty.   But I didn’t stop using it.  It almost felt taboo.  Like I was having an affair with a huge lover. 🙁  Now that it has given me an O, I both love it and hate it.   I just wish my DH could have been the one to make me O, somehow.

                  Queen bed Answered on February 8, 2020.


                  If I’m not mistaken, you said that it is “our toy” and that you bought it together. Your husband seems okay with you having a big, realistic dildo even knowing that he can’t compete with it in terms of size. I don’t think that he minds knowing that you will enjoy the experience of using it if he didn’t mind you getting it in the first place.

                  I, like you, have one that is very realistic and much bigger than my husband. He loves using it on me and doesn’t mind that I use it alone as well.  Believe me, he is very aware that it is a lot bigger than he is. It sounds like, all things considered, you don’t want to stop using it. I think that your husband just might be happy and turned on that you love what using it does for you. Hopefully, he won’t feel betrayed by your using it without him. You need to be open and honest while reassuring him that he comes first, you love him, and that this isn’t a replacement for him. Maybe you can show him what you have learned using it and let him enjoy learning to use it on you in a way that can bring you to orgasm. Even the process of trial and error and experimentation can be fun and erotic for him and probably both of you. I hope that I am not far off base with this and pray for the best for both of you.


                  on February 9, 2020.
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                    I’m glad it happened for you. Clearly you need to communicate this with him. One idea might be to ask if you can show him something/something you’ve been working on and masterbate and use the toy to show him how it’s helped. At that point, you’ll need to come to a decision together about the use of toys.

                    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                      I understand where you’re coming from. It took me nine years to orgasm after DH and I were married. I didn’t have a good education growing up and didn’t even realize my body could orgasm. I heard about orgasming from a few different places and got curious and looked it up. When I realized I was missing something I looked up how to orgasm, went and bought a vibrator and experimented until it worked. It was an amazing feeling. My husband also didn’t know a woman could orgasm. So once I realized what my body could do I showed him and he was happy for me. I still can’t orgasm just from PIV but he joins me with me using the vibrator and him touching me and things. Don’t let your guilt keep you from sharing with your husband as it’s an amazing feeling and really makes sex so much more enjoyable. It gives you the desire to be with your husband more often once you don’t have barriers between you.

                      Double bed Answered on February 9, 2020.
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                        Congratulations on your first O.

                        As others have said, you need to let your husband know that you have learned how to orgasm, and then incorporate that method into your love making. I am sure when he knows you can get pleasure from sex he will be very happy.  It took my wife many, many years to learn how to orgasm, and our sex life has improved vastly since her discovery. My wife uses a wand to achieve orgasm, and although she does not O during PIV sex, while she is using the wand there are other ways I touch her that are pleasurable for her, and which are very exciting for me as well.

                        On the floor Answered on February 9, 2020.
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