Hair today, gone tomorrow

    Is it wrong for a husband to have and express an opinion about his wife’s chosen hair style/length? 

    If so, why? If not, then how best to express it?

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    11 Answer(s)

      It’s not wrong to have an opinion or a preference, I even think it’s fine to communicate it, but what the expectations are after that communication is where it can become dicey.

      My husband does NOT like short hair on women. When I was talking to him about growing my gray out, he said, “Just don’t chop it off.” Even with letting my hair go natural, I have a deeper reason for it, and just because my husband is unsure about it, and may even lean towards being against it, I would still do it because it’s really about my inner being, not him. Me explaining to him what my thoughts and feelings are, went a long way.
      Truthfully though, he has chosen to be supportive of me no matter what. Even if I had to shave my head, he would still do all he could to make me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

      If your wife is willing to stand against your expressed preferences/wishes, I would guess there’s a deeper reason for it. I would work at understanding her why behind it.

      Under the stars Answered on March 18, 2020.
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        It’s never wrong to have an opinion on your wife’s hair style, but when to express that opinion, well it is not always wise to do so.  I recall times when my DW would return home from hair appointments with terrible cuts that she was talked into.  I’ve always waited to be asked, “well, what do you think?”  Yet, by not immediately speaking up to praise the new look, she knew, and I was sunk without saying a word.

        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on March 18, 2020.
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          I don’t think it is wrong to have a fair, honest, but loving opinion. I, for instance, don’t like bangs, and I prefer DW hair be longer (she’s never been able to grow hair beyond about shoulder length in her life). I also love when she puts fun, sometimes crazy, colors in it.
          As a husband, though, if you’re going to have an opinion on this, be prepared to be wrong!

          Fell out of ... Answered on March 18, 2020.

          If a man speaks, and there is no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?

          on March 18, 2020.
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            I believe each spouse should wear the hairstyle, length, color, including facial and pubic hair that THEY feel is best for THEM and that their spouse should affirm their choice as honestly as possible but never say that you LIKE their choice if you really don’t.  My DW is the only woman God has sanctioned me to think about sexually or romantically, and in the same way,  I am the only man He has sanctioned her to think about sexually or romantically so each of us “has a vote” (right) to express our true opinion about how their choice strikes us.   At the same time, we should honor their right to make the choice for themselves and honestly AFFIRM them as our beloved spouse in every other way possible.

            My wife chooses to wear her hair much shorter than I would prefer and the few times that she’s asked me I’ve told her “I miss (her earlier style) but I still think you are beautiful.”   She then tells me that her former hairstyle is only suitable for younger women and always makes it a point to tell me when other women compliment her hairstyle or ask who her hairdresser is because they like it.  Their opinion doesn’t change mine, nor should it.

            In the same way, she would prefer me to be cleanshaven and says that I look much younger than my 66 yrs when I am.  As a compromise, I keep my mustache and beard trimmed short and she frequently acknowledges her appreciation that I do.  Obviously, I never tell her of the occasional compliment that I receive from both men and women acquaintances on my facial hair. I wear it for me, never for the approval of anyone else.

            Fell out of ... Answered on March 22, 2020.

            I really like your perspective.

            on March 22, 2020.

            i also love your perspective which i think is biblical, on your spouse is the only one God has allowed you to think about sexually or romantically and that you’re not running with the current trend of some saying that the biblical term to lust only means to go after or plan to go after the man/woman you are sexually aroused by and not to also mean entertaining sexual thoughts and fantasies about that person.

            on March 22, 2020.

            Thanks ladies!  SoA, I seem to remember that years ago one of the Popes said that a man “lusting” after/for his wife was a sin.  I’m not Roman Catholic but I respected him (especially his consistent and Biblical defense of the unborn) and was taken aback by his declaration.  I was fortunate to be in a men’s Bible study at the time with two elders in our church and mentioned  my puzzlement over what the Pope had said… they counseled me using Song of Solomon and made the distinction between “passion within marriage” and “lust” in the context of Jesus’s warning  in Matthew 5:28… in effect they told me that the sin that the Pope described is an oxymoron.  Hearing this from older men whose demeanor, wife & children, and character attested to their faith “stuck”.

             

            on March 23, 2020.
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              My Dad used to say “you’re three days away from a good haircut.”  I agree with @SeekingChange.  I want to be supportive of whatever decision my wife makes regarding hair style or cut.  My wife likes it short for ease of care.  It really agitates her when it starts to grow a bit.  If your wife asks how it looks err on the side of grace and be supportive and by that I don’t mean you tell her that if she likes you like it.  Honest to a fault can get you in some hot water.  Be loving and encouraging.  It may grow on you as well!  With social distancing we may all be cutting our own hair soon.  A friend recently said “we are about 3 weeks away from seeing everyone’s true hair color.”  Give her words of affirmation. Gives a whole new meaning to letting your hair down.    If the roles were reversed, and you as a man wanted to totally change your hair style, what would your wife say?

              On the floor Answered on March 18, 2020.

              Your question I can  speak to – but not so much on head hair, but on facial hair. My wife has seen me without a mustache exactly two times in 28 years. She had never seen me without a beard for our first three years till one night I came home late from a rodeo and decided to shave it in the shower. She sat bolt upright in bed thinking another man got it with her! 🙂

              She has said on both occasions that I shaved my mustache that she “does not like me like that” and she “can hardly stand to look at me that way”. Suffice it to say she has very strong opinions on the matter and voices them without hesitation.

              But as slip said, if I wait too long to say “I love it”, my boat is already sunk. Such a double standard! I think I will shave my face tonight…

              on March 18, 2020.
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                OR . . . 😏
                Is it wrong for a wife to have and express an opinion about her husband’s facial hair?

                If so, why? If not, then how best to express it?

                To the OP question: It depends on a couple of things. Do you have a healthy level of communication about how you/she looks, dresses, carries oneself, etc.? Then, too, it’s often how we say things to our spouse rather than what we say to them that matters the most. If Mrs. Oldbear asks for my opinion, I listen hard to the way she asks. Sometimes it is to think constructively about a matter, she genuinely wants my feedback, and other times she is looking for affirmation.

                Your question brought back the memory of the commercial when Mrs. Lincoln asks Abe Lincoln if her dress made her look fat. His ‘honest’ answer, “Perhaps just a  little bit.” We’ll, she wasn’t looking for that answer, she was asking for his approval. Interestingly, that commercial didn’t last very long.

                Honesty with a generous helping of sensitivity is always good.

                Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on March 18, 2020.

                See my comment to Happily Married above….

                on March 18, 2020.
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                  I have always been aware that my DH preferred my hair long, and I have kept it long for the majority of my life, but on occasion I’ve wanted a change and he has been very understanding about it. Now as I get older my hair is thinning and it looks rather scraggly if it gets too long, so it just looks better if I whack it off now and then–kind of like cutting back a philodendron to encourage fuller growth. 😉

                  We just recently had the whole facial hair thing, too. DH grew a beard in November and left it until just two nights ago.  He left the choice completely up to me. I was curious to see if he could do the whole 9:00 shadow thing and maybe create a new look involving a shaved head so he could just skip the process of watching his hairline recede.  I think I would have liked the beard better if he had more time to keep it very well trimmed, but he’s just so busy it kept getting scraggly. He shaved and I love how awesome and smooth his strong jaw is now. 😀

                  Under the stars Answered on March 18, 2020.
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                    I feel it is fine to have an opinion and to share it.

                    But, I think that opinion should be sought as well! It seems to me that when it isn’t sought, decisions made without the other can become a bigger issue than necessary. Isn’t seeking the opinion of your spouse or at least asking about it,  a sensitive and loving thing to do?

                    Under the stars Answered on March 18, 2020.

                    yes, one would think. But she never asks me what I want, she just does what she wants because she wants to. Hair style is just one of those areas.

                    on March 18, 2020.
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                      My wife and I have an understanding on this; she tolerates my facial hair choices, and I tolerate her general hairstyle choices. She also tolerates my normal hair-on-my head choices since I tend to grow it out long, only for cheapness in not wanting to spend money on haircuts. She’s generally indifferent on it for the most part. I definitely prefer long hair on her, but shorter hair is not going to bother me to the point of it being an issue.

                      Queen bed Answered on March 18, 2020.
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                        Is it wrong to have an opinion? No. Where it gets sticky is  whether it’s important that you share it….HOW you share it…and like another said, the expectation of the other person after you share it. There are some things that are better left unsaid…which I usually discover with my wife AFTER I said it. 😂  I just have to remember that if this opinion something important  I need to share OR is it just a preference that might be better left unsaid.

                        Now, if my wife asks me my opinion, that may or may NOT be something to share. I am LEARNING to ask what is behind her asking my opinion about something. Is she wanting positive feedback? assurance? or actually whether I like something or not? This has taken awhile for both of us to realize because I don’t always “value” what she does, so if she’s wanting positive feedback/assurance, I’m probably not the one to ask because I have an opinion about a lot of things AND more than willing to share it when asked, which has led to some “lively” discussions I shall add.

                        My wife just said, one of the important things about marriage is learning how to manage one’s preferences and not put them on your spouse without discussion.

                        Under the stars Answered on March 19, 2020.
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