Has anyone experimented with going from more sex, to less? How did it go?

    Over the past few days, my husband and I have had some conversations around my sexual desire.   After he asked multiple questions and he was getting “no, I don’t really desire [this and that]”, one way I explained it was, “After eating far more than you need, how much do you desire food?  How appealing does eating sound when you are constantly full?”

    We also talked about quality vs quantity.  He wants more quality but hasn’t really been willing to give up the quantity.  He has been operating under the belief he has read on TGH, that the more the woman has sex, the more she will desire it.  The less she has, the less she wants it.  Which I have to wonder and ask, Does the law of diminishing returns** come into play?”  And in essence, do we need to do a cost-benefit analysis?  (Sorry, using language I heard from a leadership conference.)  My layman’s interpretation…. Does adding monumentally more sex, while holding the rest of the relationship constant, actually yield lower sexual desire in the woman [me]?  Is having almost daily sex, cost me too much, that we are losing some of the benefit? (I believe the answers are “yes!”)

    I suggested that the only way for me to really know my desire, is to experiment…. but is he willing, and does he really believe he can do it?  I am still questioning if there are other factors (fears) that drive to him to keep up the quantity at the sacrifice of quality?

     

    **The law of diminishing returns states that in all productive processes, adding more of one factor of production, while holding all others constant, will at some point yield lower incremental per-unit returns.[1]

    Add Comment
    25 Answer(s)

      This line is resonating with me:

      “Does adding monumentally more sex, while holding the rest of the relationship constant, actually yield lower sexual desire in the woman [me]?”

      The rest of the relationship…So in your case, it sounds like DH is getting what he wants…every day…all the time…except for the reasons listed on your post about boundaries. What is he willing to give you (i.e. sacrifice) the way that you are. In the boundaries post you listed 3 things in reference to “time management”. Obviously those are a struggle for you, or you wouldn’t have put boundaries in place…so is he willing to change those habits in order to improve OTHER areas of your marriage? IOW, instead of focusing on quality sex, maybe the focus could be on a quality marriage?

      I’m just wondering…if he were to make more of an effort to not be late, and make YOU more of a priority than all the other stuff you’ve mentioned before…would that increase your desire for him instead of it just being another task? Maybe that would be a way not NOT holding the rest of the relationship constant and improving everything.

      I can’t really answer the frequency part…I don’t think we’ve ever gone beyond twice a week…but we’re in a dry spell right now.

       

      On the floor Answered on December 31, 2019.
      Add Comment

        SC,  i don’t know your husbands fears but maybe if one of them is you’ll like and get used to having less sex (which is probably correct, if i read you right) then maybe reassure him that when you do come together it could be better than ever and lead to more intimacy.  You are not going anywhere! 😉

        (I would have to add that i have seen you post more than once that it is costing you, i wish your h could understand that in a way that he wouldn’t feel threatened and maybe really think about what it is doing, i really do think there are diminishing returns for you and wonder when there will be burn out. I’m wondering how every other day would work for both of you? 

        Fell out of ... Answered on December 30, 2019.

        Ditto the every other day thing. If DH is not willing for that, maybe 2x every 3 days?

        on December 30, 2019.
        Add Comment

          No, I haven’t experimented with going from more to less sex. We have just done it for seasons without making an experiment out of it. It went fine.

          You asked:

          Does adding monumentally more sex, while holding the rest of the relationship constant, actually yield lower sexual desire in the woman [me]?  Is having almost daily sex, cost me too much, that we are losing some of the benefit? (I believe the answers are “yes!”)

          I believe I understand your logic and see what you are getting at. It would depend so much on the person, their personality, their perspective, attitudes, etc. and the couple. But it seems that it is costing you. (Or should I say, you appear to be counting the cost) Whether it is too much, is something only you can answer.  But, unless other things change, I’m not convinced having less sex would equal greater quality or increased desire for sex.

           

          Under the stars Answered on December 30, 2019.

          What kind of “other things” are you thinking of?

          on December 30, 2019.

          One would be, as you note, whether he can view less quantity yielding more quality. Another would be, changing things in the relationship – not holding those things constant.  Less sex or less time given to sex, may open up more time for other relational activities that you find less draining/demanding and more life-giving. Having less frequent sex may open up a time void, but more than that, wouldn’t it highlight the other voids in your relationship? Or him being more considerate of your situation. Or you continuing to grow in your understanding of his situation. (neither of you have it easy.)

          on December 31, 2019.

          This makes sense, thanks!

          on December 31, 2019.

          You are welcome! Glad to hear it.

          on December 31, 2019.
          Add Comment

            @SC (your comment in response to my latest answer):

            “I’ve read through your advice again. It sounds wise and mature… but, it also sounds useless.”

            I laughed when I read that and am pleased to be able to say that I took zero offense. I sincerely tried, but I just don’t seem to get your DH. I’d also point out that there are a lot of HrD husbands on TMB (as you know, few LrD people on here), and from what I’ve seen none of us quite seem to identify with/understand your DH.

            “Apparently he feels like sex is always about me and what I want, and that it’s wrong of him to ask for anything he wants.”

            This is a head-scratching comment to say the least. What it makes me think of is SoA’s willing/variety (#1) vs. passion/vanilla (#2) question. You saw the answers, and clearly know your husband’s verbal answer (#2). For me at least, and I think for many men, our #2 answer can actually be rephrased to something along the lines of “we want the sex to be more about her”. And I truly do–I’d absolutely love to give Zelda sex just for her. But for your DH, his #2 answer doesn’t seem to translate into this. Full disclosure: acts of service is a love language I like to give (though I dislike receiving).

            Oh, but the “wrong of him to ask..” thing does resonate with me somewhat. It is very easy for me to fall into this trap, which is most epitomized by my reluctance to initiate.

            “Grrr…. if it was all about what I wanted, we wouldn’t be having sex, at least not near the frequency we are.”

            I’m going to assume that you’ve told him that in some way multiple times. But does he truly get it?

            -Scott

            California King Answered on January 6, 2020.

            LOL! 😳 😀 I soooo did not think about how that useless comment would potentially come across. When I originally read it, that wouldn’t have been my response at all. It’s been from the weekend that feeling came about, and it has to do with my husband, not the advice. 🙂

            on January 6, 2020.

            I will be back to reply to the rest later.

            on January 6, 2020.

            SC – I didn’t know for sure how you meant it (figuring it meant it wasn’t applicable in your situation), but I knew you didn’t mean anything negative by it. Honestly, I could write text that truly was useless, you could/would call me on it, and I still wouldn’t be offended by it because I know how you just call it like you see it! Regardless, I just had to have fun by quoting it!

            Oh, but to add to the above answer:

            In this area, how secure is your DH? I just wonder if some of this stuff is lack of security (in his mind). Not in the whole of life, but strictly in this area.

            -Scott

            on January 6, 2020.

            Okay, that faux pas is still making me laugh. 😀 I never would have given it a second thought that it could have been read any different than I intended 🙂 I am glad you can laugh and aren’t offended, and I have appreciated the laughs myself.

            “This is a head-scratching comment to say the least. What it makes me think of is SoA’s willing/variety (#1) vs. passion/vanilla (#2) question. You saw the answers, and clearly know your husband’s verbal answer (#2)….. But for your DH, his #2 answer doesn’t seem to translate into this.”

            This has caused confusion to me as well, in fact I just brought this confusion around this point up to another, earlier today. Sometimes I can feel like I am going crazy and I am the problem in out communication, but it’s reaffirming to know another sees it (and is as confused) as I.

            Honestly, he is in a difficult place. He wants answers, but I can’t give them because I don’t know myself. I know his hopes and desires, and I cannot give them to him at this point, and the scary part for me, is what if I never can? What will that mean for us?

            Your question about how secure is he in this area…. I know he’s not very secure, because it’s like we are walking this delicate balance on a tight rope. There has to be just the right amount of momentum forward for growth and healing, while not pushing too hard or fast, otherwise we face more damage and falling backwards. The whole incident on Day 3, definitely sent me/us backwards, at least for the time being.

            on January 6, 2020.
            Add Comment

              I was thinking of this and i know that orgasms are usually more powerful for both of us if we wait awhile between sexual encounters, most definitely and it makes the experience more fulfilling AND exciting.

              Fell out of ... Answered on December 30, 2019.

              How long between is the best for you?

              on December 30, 2019.

              Well because of my husband, he is older, we’re averaging about every 4 days i think, sometimes longer. But i personally wouldn’t mind every 2 to 3 days depending on my hormones but the orgasms might be a little harder to attain with more frequency.

              on December 30, 2019.
              Add Comment

                I wouldn’t say “experimented”, more like “life throwing enough roadblocks in the way to make it happen less”. But in comparison, I would say it does make it better, definitely traded quantity for quality. Keeping mind of course that my wife and I are pretty much at the same desire level, so this positively/negatively affects us the same, versus one of us giving up something for the other in this area.

                Double bed Answered on December 30, 2019.
                Add Comment

                  The more sex I have, the more I want it – but only to a point. I have found that if we’re active every day for a week, then I just need a couple of days off. I could still have sex in those off days, but I’m probably not really going to enjoy it.

                  The challenge for me is to be able to come back to it after those off days. We say that the more women have it, the more we want it. However, as I think about this, I think that for me this isn’t quite true. I think the statement, “The less I have it, the less I want it,” may be more accurate because there is that point that I have where I’m just finished for a while.

                  I realize the two statements are the opposite sides of the same coin. However, if I haven’t had it in a while, I stop thinking about it. It then takes a high quality session to remind me that it is, in fact, something I like to do.

                  On the floor Answered on December 30, 2019.

                  Yes agree! It’s like eating your FAVORITE food. You can eat it and enjoy every day but make it a treat (say a few times a week rather than daily) and it really tastes wonderful.

                  on December 30, 2019.

                  I believe I understand what you are saying.  Dovegrey, how many days of “off” does it take for you to stop thinking about it and it makes it harder to get back into it?

                  on December 30, 2019.
                  Add Comment

                    We have never tried this experiment. For my DW, if we  try to have her orgasm more than once a week it is a real struggle for her to get one. It does seem as if a one week waiting time between O’s helps her get them more reliably.

                     

                     

                    Hammock Answered on December 31, 2019.
                    Add Comment

                      @,ALL_IN, those are good points and good questions.

                      For the most part, he is doing all you have said, and has been for just under 2 years. I am the one who has been slow to recover from the 2 years before that. Remember, I am coming out from a total emotional detachment and from essentially a death from within of hope. As a birth of a new plant, takes a steady amount, and the right amount, of water and sunshine, we can’t speed up the process of growth. He has his days where the sun doesn’t shine on me, or it’s too intense it scorches, but overall he is a steady loving presence. I may be the one who is permanently broken and will never return to my former glory.

                      I do have one thought and concern, which goes hand in hand with @OWM’s comment, and I need to make sure to bring this up when I talk to my husband about this. He does tend to get distracted and fill up his time, when sex is off, with other things. Therefore, rather than building up the relational and emotional connection on those off days, there could be a negative result. As brought up in the “magnetic-force” QNA, his desire/need for sex is something that keeps him drawing to me or pursuing me. Will that draw/pursuit cease or lessen when there is less sex?

                      Under the stars Answered on December 31, 2019.

                      The “magnetic-force” QNA she describes is this one. (Sorry, I do love the convenience of links.)

                      Personally, I think he should pursue you more in this new paradigm. This is especially true if there is an aspect of “floating sessions” that aren’t scheduled, as his treating you well could have…erm…benefits. That isn’t why he should do it, but it doesn’t hurt and he’d be a fool not to. (This sounds rougher than I mean it, as I mean no insult to him.)

                      -Scott

                      on December 31, 2019.
                      Add Comment

                        That’s kind of an unfair statement to make…I know in the old boards you shared your days of gatekeeping…I wonder if  gentle reminder of what “hardly having sex” really was like…Maybe he would be a little more thankful for what he is getting. I know so many men who really are getting hardly any sex would give up alot of things for 3x a week.

                        On the floor Answered on January 2, 2020.
                        Add Comment

                        Your Answer

                        By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.