Have you shared your fears with your spouse?
The question of “have you shared your fantasies with your spouse” got me to thinking as I have been studying fear. God told Abraham not to fear (Gen. 12:1); The implication is that fear was a huge issue in king David’s life, (Ps. 27:1-3) and it was a part of the object lesson that Jesus gave to His disciples, (Jn 14:1).
A big part of our marriage is the sharing of our struggles towards the unknown in her business and in mine. Doing this puts a freeze on our sex life for days as we wrestle in prayer, struggle with the logic of response, seek God’s direction in His word.
Yes, we fear, seek not to, and often work through the difficult process of finding the Lord’s path to walk with Him in this way. This is a part of our school of hard knocks.
Yes, we have always shared our fears on some levels. What we have learned in the past couple of years in therapy/counseling, is actually learning to recognize and name those deeper fears that we aren’t even consciously aware that are there. We have always been good at sharing the information and knowledge that is in our “head-space”, we are not as good about going into the deeper realms of the emotion and the feelings or fears behind them. We are good at seeing and naming the secondary emotion, such as anger, irritability, sadness, etc., but what’s the primary emotion causing them? Why am I or he reacting in such a manner? Why does this seemingly little thing, bring out such a huge reaction? Why does [this] bring out such an offense or defense? What fear/emotion is being triggered?
Recognizing, sharing, and understanding the primary emotion (often a fear) behind people’s actions and reactions, is what the therapy/counseling world is finding to be more successful in making a permanent change, for the good, in a person’s life and relationships. Rather than just trying to manage behaviors.
Not in a direct way, maybe, but more around the edges. I think it has helped her to be more mindful of what can put me into dark places. She reaches out regularly, 2 or 3 times a day when I am traveling, rather than the 2 or 3 times a month of the past.
Yes, I think we do. She is not hesitant about sharing with me he fears and expectations about life in general, situations with out kids, job, etc. I had what I think is a normal masculine mindset that men don’t share that sort of stuff (feelings, fears expecially), so I kept most of it to myself. I crashed and burned about 30 years ago and had to reach out to others to learn to survive and live my life, and it changed my way of thinking and looking at myself and the world around me and my relationships.
Now I know that sharing with others ( I select who I am more open with, like we all do) is not a sign of weakness, draws me closer to others and makes m life better and more balanced. Along the journey, I have also learned that my fears were about what everyone else was experiencing, helping me to put things in perspective.
Yes. Fears of different levels, of course. Some are inconsequential but others like losing our health, dying before the other, etc. have also been talked about. I’m sure to pick a good and safe time to bring them up. But, I don’t want to avoid them just because they might be uncomfortable topics. It is good to understand what the other is concerned about and then to pray about those things.
I never hesitate to share my fears with him (although as SeekingChange mentioned, there are probably fears I have not recognized as such, so I therefore just yelled at him about rolling my window up in the truck when I just rolled it down instead–true story.)
He seldom examines his feelings and therefore has nothing much to share. (Although this is an assumption based just on observation, so I guess he could just be very private about them.)