HD vs LD advice
Advice: Work on the relationship, especially on meeting the other’s emotional needs.
Consider saying these:
If you are fully satisfied with X amount of sex (i.e. your sexual needs are fully met), why wouldn’t you, from your fully satisfied state, help me reach satisfaction?
I’m willing to live at your desired level of frequency for X amount of time (i.e. one month). Will you be willing to try living at my desired level of frequency for the same amount of time? And then discuss what we might do going forward? If not, why not?
I think my “single piece” of advice in this situation is usually for the couple to learn about responsive desire and whether it applies to their LD spouse or not. It seems to make a world of difference for many once they find out about it. I know it did for us.
I’m surprised by the lack of responses here. So much wisdom, experience and opinions, come on, step forward and share. This is a huge issue in most marriages and we all could use helpful tips and advice.
By now, if you have been following my recent posts, I’m a HUGE proponent of regular scheduled sex. It has been the single biggest factor for positive change in our MB. But, just to mix things up a bit there is another bit of advice I would suggest and this is it: there is no right or wrong way to be, no right or wrong way to do things. There are only different ways to achieve the same goal. Accepting this about your spouse can do wonders for your marriage. Having grace and understanding this statement can help bridge the gap in a loving way. A lot easier to type that than to implement it, however.
@Golden Goose – I see you have been married a good while, so I figure you do realize that this question has been asked for eons and you know the list of possible angles are as many as there are people – I believe you’ve said as much. Researches have written shelf upon shelf on the ways to answer this question. And I do not doubt there will be more written. It would seem there has been no “answer”, or else it would no longer be being asked, we would just all refer to “the answer” and look at those who refuse to conform as stupid.
Instead, there are “opportunities” as I see it, both for good and bad action in response to a very common situation between people in relationships. And what works with the people I’m in relationship may or may not work with your people.
I say all that from a secular point of view. HOWEVER – I am willing to put forward that there is one single answer from a theological standpoint- “Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.”
And there are commandments specifically for marriages, thus Paul gave us two answers: one for husbands – “love your wives as Christ loved the church”; and one for wives – “submit to your husbands as if to the Lord.” Loving and submitting. Those are the answers. The application can be tricky. Dang hard at times really.
Seems you are here to beat your drum for scheduled sex. That’s great. Beat it loud brother! It may work for some others as well as it seems to have worked for you. Hopefully so. It’s not a new concept. That can be a way of loving and submitting. But some folks can dance quite well to a different beat….
My single most-bestest answer to the problem: Both parties STOP being selfish! Mat 16:24 (I guess it’s not really MY answer after all 😉 )
I think this is hard to narrow down to a single piece of advice….. but for me it would be to work at knowing and understanding the other, and then to love in those differences. I believe that encompasses “responsive/spontaneous desire”, “higher/lower drive”, male/female, etc. To love another would encompass generosity and sacrificing, the give and take, considering other first, but also taking a stance when needed for the best of the other and the relationship.
There is not ‘one’ solution that will solve HD/LD issues for every couple. Many good ideas have already been mentioned such as understanding the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire, and scheduling sex.
I would also add that in our case discovering how to bring DW to O has been a major factor in improving our MB. We tried many vibrators until we found one that worked (wand style), and now it is a regular part of our love making routine. I regret not discovering that solution earlier, and can’t for the life of me understand what took me so long. I suppose it was the initial embarrassment of walking into a ‘sex toy store’, but I think if I understood the change it would make to our sex life I would have sought that solution much faster.
I would say other key ingredients in addressing HD/LD issues is having lots of patience and love for your spouse, never giving up, and remaining positive even in the face of disappointment.
@Golden Goose [regarding comments/notification/upvoting]:
Unfortunately, there is no way to get notification for comments, which is one reason that many of us generally encourage using answers instead of comments except for minor/off-topic conversations.
For upvoting, there is no easy answer. It used to work just fine for everything, now it hardly ever seems to work on answers, though still works on questions it seems. I still place the votes, just realizing that many times they won’t register (though they sometimes do after a long delay…even up to a day). For some reason, downvoting doesn’t seem affected.