HD vs LD advice

    What single piece of marriage advice might you give to bridge the gap between a high drive spouse and a low drive spouse?  Conversely, what might be said to a low drive spouse to close the gap with their high drive spouse?

    Fell out of ... Asked on November 24, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.
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    8 Answer(s)

      Advice: Work on the relationship, especially on meeting the other’s emotional needs.

      Consider saying these:

      If you are fully satisfied with X amount of sex (i.e. your sexual needs are fully met), why wouldn’t you, from your fully satisfied state, help me reach satisfaction?

      or

      I’m willing to live at your desired level of frequency for X amount of time (i.e. one month). Will you be willing to try living at my desired level of frequency for the same amount of time? And then discuss what we might do going forward? If not, why not?

       

      Under the stars Answered on November 24, 2020.

      I believe what you are getting at here is the term “sexually generous”. I’ve thought a lot about this concept recently and may make a post on it sometime.

      EDIT: typo

      on November 24, 2020.

      Yes, that would be one way of putting it. I am all for generosity. For sure. I’m also wanting people to understand what it might be like to be their HD spouse, and see if LD spouse really knows what they are saying when they say they are fully satisfied with little. Fine. Glad you’re satisfied. Out of that satisfaction, help me get there too.

      on November 24, 2020.
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        I think my “single piece” of advice in this situation is usually for the couple to learn about responsive desire and whether it applies to their LD spouse or not. It seems to make a world of difference for many once they find out about it. I know it did for us.

        -Scott

        Under the stars Answered on November 24, 2020.
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          If you figure that one out, you will be mega rich!

          On the floor Answered on November 24, 2020.
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            I’m surprised by the lack of responses here.  So much wisdom, experience and opinions, come on,  step forward and share.  This is a huge issue in most marriages and we all could use helpful tips and advice.

            By now, if you have been following my recent posts, I’m a HUGE proponent of regular scheduled sex.  It has been the single biggest factor for positive change in our MB.  But, just to mix things up a bit there is another bit of advice I would suggest and this is it:  there is no right or wrong way to be, no right or wrong way to do things.  There are only different ways to achieve the same goal.  Accepting this about your spouse can do wonders for your marriage.  Having grace and understanding this statement can help bridge the gap in a loving way.  A lot easier to type that than to implement it, however.

            Fell out of ... Answered on November 24, 2020.

            The question is only 3 hr old. Give it time. Even the QOTD only has about half its answers (so far) since you posted this new topic, and people are usually actively looking for the QOTD, and it’s easier to answer than this one.

            -Scott

            on November 24, 2020.
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              @Golden Goose – I see you have been married a good while, so I figure you do realize that this question has been asked for eons and you know the list of possible angles are as many as there are people – I believe you’ve said as much. Researches have written shelf upon shelf on the ways to answer this question. And I do not doubt there will be more written. It would seem there has been no “answer”, or else it would no longer be being asked, we would just all refer to “the answer” and look at those who refuse to conform as stupid.

              Instead, there are “opportunities” as I see it, both for good and bad action in response to a very common situation between people in relationships. And what works with the people I’m in relationship may or may not work with your people.

              I say all that from a secular point of view. HOWEVER – I am willing to put forward that there is one single answer from a theological standpoint- “Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.”

              And there are commandments specifically for marriages, thus Paul gave us two answers: one for husbands – “love your wives as Christ loved the church”; and one for wives – “submit to your husbands as if to the Lord.” Loving and submitting. Those are the answers. The application can be tricky. Dang hard at times really.

              Seems you are here to beat your drum for scheduled sex. That’s great. Beat it loud brother! It may work for some others as well as it seems to have worked for you. Hopefully so. It’s not a new concept. That can be a way of loving and submitting. But some folks can dance quite well to a different beat….

              My single most-bestest answer to the problem: Both parties STOP being selfish! Mat 16:24 (I guess it’s not really MY answer after all 😉 )

              Under the stars Answered on November 24, 2020.

              Love the use of scripture to make some good points.   As Christians, the Bible should be our guide.  Awesome stuff!

              Seems you are here to beat your drum for scheduled sex. That’s great. Beat it loud brother! It may work for some others as well as it seems to have worked for you. Hopefully so. It’s not a new concept. That can be a way of loving and submitting. But some folks can dance quite well to a different beat….

              Well, here is what I have to say about that and its the “some folks dance to a different beat….” that I am here to learn from and about.  I don’t see the harm in learning about that.

              on November 24, 2020.

              @GG, it absolutely doesn’t hurt to ask.  If we only limited to questions that have not been previously addressed elsewhere, we would need no TMB.  I always appreciate others thoughts and different perspective, because it challenges my own thinking and it sharpens me.  And it’s been amazing how the Holy Spirit will use a certain person or a certain comment to speak His message to me.  That wouldn’t happen if no one ever shared.

              on November 24, 2020.

              No harm whatsoever. Maybe your “gamechanger” will change someone else’s game…or thier’s yours.  Never know till you try, never try till you hear.

              on November 24, 2020.
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                I think this is hard to narrow down to a single piece of advice….. but for me it would be to work at knowing and understanding the other, and then to love in those differences.  I believe that encompasses “responsive/spontaneous desire”, “higher/lower drive”, male/female, etc.    To love another would encompass generosity and sacrificing, the give and take, considering other first, but also taking a stance when needed for the best of the other and the relationship.

                Under the stars Answered on November 24, 2020.
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                  There is not ‘one’ solution that will solve HD/LD issues for every couple. Many good ideas have already been mentioned such as understanding the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire, and scheduling sex.

                  I would also add that in our case discovering how to bring DW to O has been a major factor in improving our MB. We tried many vibrators until we found one that worked (wand style), and now it is a regular part of our love making routine. I regret not discovering that solution earlier, and can’t for the life of me understand what took me so long. I suppose it was the initial embarrassment of walking into a ‘sex toy store’, but I think if I understood the change it would make to our sex life I would have sought that solution much faster.

                  I would say other key ingredients in addressing HD/LD issues is having lots of patience and love for your spouse, never giving up, and remaining positive even in the face of disappointment.

                  Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 25, 2020.

                  Good stuff @Olorin.  I have a question about vibrators since you are so positive on them.  My DW is blessed to have an orgasm every sexual encounter, but our sessions are very vanilla and routine.  In your opinion, is there any reason we should incorporate a vibrator?  It is probably a mute point since I am 95% sure she wouldn’t take a second look at them.  What was the process to “coming around” for your wife regarding vibrators?  I look forward to hearing from you.

                  on November 25, 2020.

                  @Olorin – very good point on the vibrators. As I’ve mentioned here before, similar improvements happened for us with the addition of the vibe. We went from no O’s for the wife in over 12 married years to having at least one nearly every session. And I truly mean “nearly every”–98% of our sessions with a vibe got her at least one O in 2020, and she had second O’s in 13% of the sessions during that time too. Our frequency is now up to what it was our first year married, and she comes in excited to mate with me on a regular basis. Even just the discussions and lighthearted joking about sex has gotten better.

                  @Golden Goose: I think opting for a vibe could still have potential benefits in your MB if you wanted to try. For instance, if your DW rarely or never has an O during PIV, getting a vibe could remedy that. Similarly, if she can only O from self stimulation and you want to trying wielding the vibe to “give” her the O, it could be helpful. Could also be helpful for quickies. My opinion is that vibes aren’t for every couple, but every couple should thoughtfully consider trying them.

                  -Scott

                  on November 25, 2020.

                  Thank you  for taking the time to answer @Scott. I’m trying to figure this out but my DW is closed minded to a lot of this stuff.  It’s been a process and will continue. DW O from combo of PIV and self stimulation but we do a LOT of foreplay which I love.  I’ve never mentioned vibes before because I’m 90% sure of her answer.  Again, blessed that we both  experience orgasms every time.

                  on November 25, 2020.

                  Hi Golden Goose. After over 20 years of marriage without an ‘O’ for DW, we finally decided to try a vibrator as a ‘last resort’.  We were so desperate for some kind of solution that DW agreed to try one out, and as I said, after I got up the courage to walk into a ‘sex toy store’, it was ‘game on’. It probably took 6 months or so before we got around to trying the Magic Wand; DW is very particular, and it turns out she does not like the ‘buzzy’ ones, but prefers deep rumbly sensations, so if you and your DW add a vibe to your MB it may take time to find one that she finds enjoyable.

                  As Scott said, if your DW has issues having an O a vibrator could help, but it sounds like that is not an problem  for her. A vibe could add to the fun of foreplay, but she obviously needs to be willing to give it a go. In terms of shopping for one, my DW was reluctant to go into the store with me, but we did look online and pick them out together. That may be one way of involving your wife into the process.

                  Good luck!

                  on November 26, 2020.

                  @Golden Goose:

                  I also wanted to add that I was pretty confident that my wife would have no interest in trying a vibe. I was super nervous to bring it up, but it actually went over well. However, it did take about 4 weeks from the first discussion to buying one, then another 4 weeks before we actually used it. However, her lack of previous O probably helped those discussions, and you won’t have those tailwinds.

                  -Scott

                  on November 26, 2020.

                  Thanks @ Olorin and @ Scott for your replies. I appreciate your input very much.  Also, how do I “know” that people have responded without going back in time to check for responses?  There are a couple of things like this that annoy me.  I also need “up” votes explained to me if you have time.  I never seem to be able to UP vote someone.  What am I doing wrong?

                  on November 27, 2020.
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                    @Golden Goose [regarding comments/notification/upvoting]:

                    Unfortunately, there is no way to get notification for comments, which is one reason that many of us generally encourage using answers instead of comments except for minor/off-topic conversations.

                    For upvoting, there is no easy answer. It used to work just fine for everything, now it hardly ever seems to work on answers, though still works on questions it seems. I still place the votes, just realizing that many times they won’t register (though they sometimes do after a long delay…even up to a day). For some reason, downvoting doesn’t seem affected.

                    -Scott

                    Under the stars Answered on November 28, 2020.

                    Thank you so much!  Whew.  This is exactly how it “works” for me. I thought I was just doing something wrong.  I’ll just continue to give things my best shot hoping for the best. I’ve also gotten “unacceptable” and “acceptable” answers.  I don’t even know where this feature is.  And, what would be the difference between upvote and acceptable and downvote and unacceptable?

                    on November 29, 2020.
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