He says he’s leaving me – again
Please pray for our marriage — my husband says that at the end of August he plans to start looking for a place to move out to. We’ve been married over 17 years, and we’ve been together a total of 21, which is more than half our lives. We don’t have children.
He says I’ve done nothing wrong and couldn’t be a better wife, but he’s just not happy and has to “try something different.” We have no other stresses in our lives beyond normal things, and minimum of that: we are completely debt free, both of us have above-average-paying jobs that we enjoy though his requires travel, no family members are in immediate health crisis, we are part of a great church and Sunday School, and we have the luxury of owning a boat that we enjoy out on the lake almost every Saturday.
Two years ago, he told me he was leaving me, and we separated within our house for a few weeks, but only a very few close friends ever knew before he decided to listen to what he said was a clear direction from God to not leave me. That time was different than now in that he had had several online sexual affairs and was at that time starting a new relationship with someone. When he returned to me, he was very bitter and blamed me for everything. He clearly still wanted to be with the other woman.
Things had improved drastically, and I stopped being so insecure and stopped needing the constant validation of checking for secret conversations etc.
Then a couple months ago, I caught a new emotional affair with a coworker about the same time that he, to his credit, realized it had gone too far. But the damage was done to him. Probably without him realizing it, he is grieving the loss of this relationship. Through it, ironically, he recognized that most of what he has been blaming me for was actually his fault, which made him feel a lot of shame.
When I first discovered that relationship, I questioned to my trusted friend whether I could continue in the marriage, and I posted on these boards about it. I was miserable while I was considering that line of thinking. I quickly felt the strongest sense of urgency from God that I was to continue to stand for my marriage while He continued to restore it as He had been. And I felt peace only once I accepted that mission. But my husband read some of what I wrote, and now I understand that that tipped the scales for him.
So, he says he’s leaving me because I deserve better than him. He said, “I want you to let me go” and “I’m terrified of hurting you again.” He’s been more emotional than I’ve ever seen him, including real tears, which I can’t stress enough how rare that is for him. I’ve tried to explain to him how illogical it is to throw away all the good things in your life and believe the end result could be happiness, and that not wanting to hurt me contradicts with abandoning me and our vows and tearing our lives apart. He won’t acknowledge the lack of logic.
I have been going to counseling for about 8 weeks now, and he has finally submitted to starting counseling. He’s been once and has a second appointment set up next week. We have one couple who are part of my support system and very spiritually mature — they’ve walked every step of this journey with us from 2 years ago through now. They love us both like a brother/sister. They are willing to be there for him too, but he hasn’t reached out. My husband doesn’t want anyone to know yet.
I’m barely able to focus at work, and only with the help of anxiety medication. I feel like someone is tearing me apart and I can’t do anything to stop it.
@ Susan98 this song is for you.
God has given you His promise
That He hears and answers prayer.
He will heed your supplication
If you cast on Him your care.
He will answer every prayer,
He will answer every prayer,
Go to Him in faith believing,
He will answer every prayer.
He will not withhold one blessing,
He will give you what is best.
God will answer by His Spirit,
Every one who makes request.
He can hear the great petition,
And the smallest, over there.
Unto God pray without ceasing,
He will answer every prayer.
Take to God your plans and failures,
Any time and anywhere.
No one ever goes unanswered,
For He answers every prayer.
@Susan98, because you don’t get notified of comments, I want to leave this here.
God is good! He loves you Susan, He sees you and He is hearing every cry! HE will never leave you, nor forsake you. As I said, I have been praying and will continue to pray.
In Jesus name I come against the enemy forces that are attacking and blinding the husband with lies and confusion, they are not welcome here. Holy Spirit, usher in the truth, and may Your light cast out all darkness. Open his eyes and give him clarity of mind. Give him a godly sorrow that leads to true repentance.
I also lift up Susan to you. May she be cocooned in the comfort of Your arms, while You give her a peace that passes understanding, that guards her heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Phil 4: 6-7). May her faith stand strong, believing You and Your truth, no matter what the “facts” seem to say before her. In Jesus Name, Amen
Even as I read this my mind goes many different directions, so I can only imagine what you are going through.
I am praying for you. I remember your husband from the old boards, I liked him, so I know there’s a reason you love him as you do, even in the midst of his hurt and foolishness. I am praying for him too.
Thank you. He truly is an amazing person, but he just can’t see that right now. He only sees the mistakes he’s made — mistakes I’ve already forgiven him for. Some of those are serious and have been painful, but Jesus paid for all sins, not just the “little” ones.
Prayers sent for you and your marriage sister. You wrote that you are both part of a great church and Sunday School and that he returned to you 2 years ago after “a clear direction from God not to leave you” but his behavior is outright rebellion against Christ’s clear command to a husband… what he professes to believe… no matter how “real” his tears and desire not to hurt you again are (honestly, his “being terrified of not hurting you again” is total B.S. and I believe that he knows It is the “best face” he can spin what is clearly a totally selfish choice.)
I pray for the Holy Spirit to bring him to his knees in true repentance and for our Lord Jesus to give strength and great wisdom in the decisions you will have to make in the days ahead.
I have no advice, but I am praying, too. One thing someone told me about our difficult teen is this: God is not standing by, and leaving them alone. He is right there with them, reminding them and working on them, more than we can ever do. That brings calmness to my soul. Sometimes we feel its all in our hands and forget that God cares way more than we ever do. I will keep praying for you!
I have to be honest here. What you have described is not a person acting rationally. It is as if he is trying to escape from something that is eating him from the inside out. I suspect it truly is more about him and his demons that it is anything to do with you or your marriage.
I will admit that I am very familiar with that “want to leave everything behind” mentality. It is something I have struggled with for much of my life. It often has nothing to do with present circumstances, and is rooted in pain from the past, or fear for the future. When it strikes, all I want to do is just walk away from my life, literally picking a random direction and taking one step after another. It isn’t rational, but it is real. I suspect that you can believe his words and his motives, because it is probably the only rational spin he can put on it, even to himself.
I know it is a long shot, but ask him if he would be willing to speak with someone who has walked in his shoes. I believe there is something deeper than just selfishness driving this.