Hear me out

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    I have read blogs, books, articles, etc for years and they all say the same thing. Problems in the bedroom are a reflection of problems elsewhere. But what if that is not true? What if the problem actually is in the bedroom and that is causing problems elsewhere? I am not saying this is true in all cases but I believe it to be true in ours.

    How do you get help unravelling problems when you really can’t afford to go to a counsellor? 

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      Problems usually start outside the bedroom and then are reflected inside the bedroom, but not always.  Sometimes problems start in the bedroom and spill over into the relationship.  The most recent books I have seen say that it doesn’t really matter, because once the problems show up, they both continue to cause and compound one another.  Problems in both areas are always causing and exacerbating problems in the other.  It doesn’t matter which came first.  It’s less of a cause-effect phenomenon and more of a vicious circle phenomenon.

      Seeking Change had a great suggestion.  You can also check for local marriage classes; my new church offers them led by a professional licensed therapist.  Another phenomenal resource is Joe Beam with Marriage Helper.  They have a YouTube channel with a wealth of wonderful videos and information.  Since you didn’t specify your issue, I don’t know if these apply, but here are two recent videos they posted:

      Why Does My Husband Not Want to Have Sex With Me

      Why Does My Wife Not Want to Have Sex With Me?

      They have a phone number with specialists who will listen to you and guide to you the resources best for you, many are online resources.  The information is listed at the end of the linked videos.  If you ask, I bet they have scholarships available if there are resources that cost money.

       

       

       

      On the floor Answered on September 11, 2019.
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        Can you give us an idea of the kind of problems you are having? That detail may determine what direction or advice people give you. Is it physical issues, communication problems, technique difficulties, etc, etc?

        There is a FB group with an actual Christian sex therapist, one of very few, as the lead….that might be a good resource. It’s called, “Better Than the Honeymoon”.

        Under the stars Answered on September 11, 2019.
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          SnowAngel,

          You may be absolutely right.  Problems do arise in the bedroom.  However, the problem is not the problems that arise.  The problem is how we deal with them as a couple.  Now, if we have not grown past the luggage we brought into marriage with respect to blame, shame, anger, frustration without resolve, passive aggression, etc., then what does it matter if it started in the bedroom or came from somewhere else?  We are still pushing the same button we did before we got married to solve a problem and its not going to get resolved that way.

          On the floor Answered on September 12, 2019.
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            I can’t add comments so I will respond here: ShadowSpirit, thank you. I will look into these resources.
            SeekingChange: it’s kind of all of the above. We got married with zero knowledge (they skipped that part in pre-marriage counselling saying we would figure it out). It is not great for either of us and for years we talked about it but nothing changed so we don’t talk about it any more. We are both unhappy with the way things are but just have no idea how to move forward. One positive is that we did both grow up with a good perspective about it but it was very much a “if you wait until marriage it will be great!” Hmmmm. Not so much.

            Twin bed Answered on September 11, 2019.
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              Snow Angel, your comment about lack of guidance made me realize that I missed the obvious – have you thoroughly perused the main site that accompanies this forum?  Paul and Lori have created a wonderful resource for education on the logistical how-tos of a great sex life.  If you haven’t done so yet, please check it out!

              https://site.themarriagebed.com/

              “Problems do arise in the bedroom.  However, the problem is not the problems that arise.  The problem is how we deal with them as a couple.”  Well said, Slipthegrasp!  I loved that, and the insights that followed.

              On the floor Answered on September 12, 2019.
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                It’s totally possible that problems are specific to the bedroom, but rest assured, they can get better and will require communication, patience, and practice!

                Queen bed Answered on September 14, 2019.
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