Hearing sex from neighbors
I don’t know where else to put this. But I’ve been married now to my SO for almost 8 months. I’ve been porn free for over 2 years, but there’s some old stuff now popping back up. One of those things is being turned on by the sound of sex. We live in an apartment so you’re bound to hear it sooner or later. Problem is that I actually haven’t and anytime I hear my neighbors talking or any noise for that issue I become paralyzed to figure out what the sound might be, probably hoping I hear something. This is an old habit from even when I was young and heard my own parents having sex and even later on in my life. I really don’t know what to do, since it feels so engrained when I hear something. I want to stop trying to hear, but I feel like my ears are so tuned to pick up those sounds I just can’t help it.
I don’t think this is unusual, especially for men. I remember being in a hotel room with my wife and hearing the people next door having a very good time. The female was much more vocal than my wife and it was hard not get extremely turned on.
Kevin Leman in his fantastic book Sheet Music, explains to wives that men are naturally born voyers. We simply like to see and hear sex. The trick of course is to focus that fully on our wives and away from outside temptation. This is likely why you will see repeatedly on here men desperately wishing their wives would show more enthusiasm during sex.
It might be embarrassing, but I would encourage you to explain to your wife that hearing the neighbors is a turn on and see if she could help you avoid and distract you from that temptation. That should be a win all around.
Thanks for sharing. How about using white noise to mask the sound? You can type in your favorite search engine “White Noise Generator” or download an app for your phone to overcome the temptation. 🙂
The main issue is a heart issue though…Ask the Lord to santify your desires that You will desire Him and your wife more than outside stimulis.
“I agree with the heart issue completely. But there’s still some sort of brain function that just leaves me incapable of not trying to hear it. It’s almost trance like.”
That’s the way I am with provocative images. Been porn free for 7 months, but have seen a few things recently that would probably count as softcore porn. Wasn’t my intent to look at it, but once they popped up I struggled to pull my eyes away. I have a similar reaction to reading erotica…just can’t go down those roads.
In this case, it’s entirely involuntary for you to have it thrust upon you, and I know how horrible that feels. Just realize you’re not alone and keep praying and being honest with your DW.
Maybe wireless headphones during the day? Getting out for exercise has been said, but I’ll re-iterate it.
I just wanted to say thank you for having the courage to post about this. I also struggle greatly in this same exact way, and I didn’t even know how to make the words out to articulate what I feel. Living in row homes doesn’t help much, and we can hear everything happening from our neighbors from around 10pm until. I’m happy to say that I am close to 4 months porn free, and I feel that same sense of entrapment whenever an image appears, or my neighbors are at it, and I can’t pull away. What I’ve found to be helping me (this is the longest I’ve gone without actively watching porn ever) is both daily morning exercise, and yoga. Being in tune with my body and focusing on what/ why I’m feeling a certain way has provided a lot of revelation of the most inward parts of who I am spiritually and emotionally. We have an oil diffuser in our bedroom that use essential oils with (helps greatly with insomnia), but it also is loud enough to white noise out any surrounding noises. When that doesn’t work I use wireless headphones to mask everything else out.
Seems like redirection is a good thing. First of all, I believe what Tim stated from Kevin Leman is correct. There is a normal sensation fixation hardwired into men. It’s not an excuse for wrong or sinful behavior…but it does give some understanding. Then it becomes a question of, what are we going to do about it now?
- 2 Cor. 10:5 – “Take every thought captive” and Rom. 12 keep “renewing your mind” Thank God for your gift (your wife) and focus your sexuality on her. Let her “breasts satisfy you”.
- What can you do to help redirect? “Play worship music or background noise to cover other sounds”. If you do hear something (whatever), go back to step one, and quote Scripture, listen to worship music, get out of the house, go exercise somewhere, etc.
While it’s not quite the same, here’s the process I go through when I receive visual stimulation. There are times when I see a woman and think, “WOWZA!” for whatever reason. I can’t help the first look but what I do after that is the key because my mind will start to wander sometimes so I have to look away and “bounce my eyes” (Every Man’s Battle) and “take every thought captive”…so I think to myself: celebrate God’s gift of that person who is God’s creation and someone else’s wife, girlfriend, daughter and then celebrate the wife God gave me, and me alone, and I like to quote the Scripture, Prov. 5:18-19, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth…let her breasts satisfy you.” Then I like to go home, see my wife and say, “I need to see your breasts” and tell her what happened, (no secrets, honesty breeds intimacy). Thankfully, I have a wife who seemingly understands me, how guys think, and allows me full access because I want to “drink from my own cistern” and “her breasts satisfy” me. Why would I want to go anywhere else?
Now, some of you might be saying, “Hey, easy for you NWNL. My wife isn’t like that.” Yes, we might be in different marital situations now. THANK GOD my wife is gracious to me and generous in our MB. HOWEVER, I was previously married to a gatekeeper & refuser and sex was not a significant part of our MB for the last 10 years and I still had to “took every thought captive” in my previous marriage as well so I understand your frustration. The choice and Scripture is still the same for all of us…AND maybe this could be used as a springboard for honest communication between you and your spouse and also with a quality Christian counselor.
Do you have too much time on your hands and/or are you alone in your apartment while DW is at work? Some options when you feel tempted to listen in would be to take a walk, go workout if your complex has a facility, listen to music at a reasonable volume, get cooking in the kitchen. Really, anything that gets you either away from listening or blocks the sound. Prayer works wonders, too.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this LB, especially since it is out of your control and you’re not looking for it, i am glad you are not beating yourself up, we all have our temptations and struggles, as a woman, it would tempt me also, it’s not just men that struggle.