Help! My wife likes forceful sex. Updated for clarity.

    Hey guys, I’ve been a long time lurker, but I have to ask you this question. My wife loves to be taken. I’ve been doing it quite regularly because I love her. Now I’ve developed quite a liking to it and I’ve been struggling with this desire to forcefully take her ever since. Do you have any thoughts/opinions on the matter?

    Edit for extra information/context.

    I am sorry for the sparse information. I was both tired when I wrote the question and I was more conservative because there has been a recent backlash against trolls who use explicit speech. So here goes nothing.

    Basically I am concerned because taking my wife has become my PREFERED mode of sex.  Consequently, I have developed a bad gut feeling that the headspace I get into when I do it ‘roughly’.  I do not know if this is the Holy Spirit convicting me or me reacting to societal norms. Honestly, I am split between the animalistic catharsis and the feeling of shock when I reflect upon what I am doing.

    This is all complicated by the fact that my wife was sexually assaulted, I knew about this before we were wed, I knew that this would make things complicated but she has insisted that it has been therapeutic for her.  I feel like it might be better if she moved on but I honestly am out of my depth on this matter.

    Thank you for your responses. I would comment but I do not have enough points.

    Totally understand being tired when posting! Great job at editing/clarifying your question. This is something that could be done more often and I, at least, forget it is an option.

    on August 12, 2020.
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    12 Answer(s)

      Can you clarify what your struggle is? Are you feeling guilt? Convicted it’s wrong? Now you want it and she doesn’t?

      Initial thought…. the fruit of the Spirit is self-control. Even in our passions we must remain in self-control of our sinful flesh. I am not saying the acting out of being taken is sinful, far from it. And we have a lot of sexual freedom within our marriages, where passions can be explored and shared…but, there is always opportunity for our lusts of the flesh to arise, and that’s what we need to control and make it obedient to Christ.

      Under the stars Answered on August 11, 2020.
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        This is all complicated by the fact that my wife was sexually assaulted, I knew about this before we were wed, I knew that this would make things complicated but she has insisted that it has been therapeutic for her.  I feel like it might be better if she moved on but I honestly am out of my depth on this matter.

        First off, I have NO EXPERIENCE with sexual assault, but this is the part I think you need to deal with first. Consider how long ago the assault happened, the details of how (are they similar to what she requests in your LM), were there other sexual partners before or after the assault, did she have excellent counseling to help her work through the healing process and does she get “check-ups” from time to time? Do you have reason to feel that she is stuck in a place of brokenness that needs to be addressed? OR has she somehow embraced her experience as a part of herself and feels that willingly engaging in that type (whatever type it is that you are concerned about) by her choice gives her back her power? Even if that is so, can she honestly say that feeling that power makes her feel more intimately connected with you?

        If she currently has a preference for sex that makes YOU think of her assault, that concerns me, whether the specific actions involved would be considered over the line in and of themselves or not.

        If you can determine that she is absolutely healthy in her enjoyment of what she has asked for, then the question reverts to your conscience and/or comfort level with what that means for you. While it is ideal that husbands and wives would always agree on what is acceptable in the MB, obviously that doesn’t always happen, so if you are feeling uncomfortable, it might well be the HS speaking to you. Or it might not. The enemy loves to fill our heads with false guilt. I think the key question I would ask myself is whether I feel more loving and closer to my partner after such an encounter and what the rest of our relationship looks like. If rough sex that pretends to be non-consensual is one element of a relationship where each one cares deeply for the other, puts the other’s needs before their own, and draws the two toward God as one, then I can’t see that it’s a problem, by itself. (Just like even if a couple are the most sweetly, tenderly passionate lovers to ever inspire a love scene in bed, but are at each other’s throats or simply only interested in their own needs outside of it, there is a huge problem!)

        The first step is to insist she talk with you about it. If she doesn’t want to, just tell her you are being forceful here too. 😉 God be with you!

        Under the stars Answered on August 12, 2020.

        HOMERUN!!!  100 upvotes from me Duchess!!! All the ???’s and thoughts that have been floating around inside my head thinking about this on & off all day!

        on August 12, 2020.

        You are kind, NWNL, but I honestly do my best to listen for the Holy Spirit’s voice when I set out to answer a question. I don’t claim that my words are a message from God; I just try really hard to leave room in my brain as I am thinking things through for any thoughts He might want to pop in there. I’m really blessed when he helps me say the right thing. God is good!!

        on August 12, 2020.
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          Great comment SC about self-control and being led by the Spirit. You pose some good clarifying questions as well. Both may enjoy it, but it goes without saying that if there is not a willingness on the part of both, then your point about lust is valid. The one being taken without a willingness can feel used, cheap, etc. If it is mutual in desire both in the giving and receiving, it explores the freedom within TMB. Enjoy but not at the expense of hurting the other spouse’s emotional, mental or even spiritual state.

          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 11, 2020.
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            Welcome to TMB!  You mentioned that your DW loves it. That is an important thing to keep in mind. If that ever changes, you should take note and stop. Also try to understand why she changed.

            As others have said, I believe we should practice self-control and be generous and other-focused in  our marriage beds. So, try to figure out your own motives and see if they in any way do not honor God or don’t love your DW.

            Under the stars Answered on August 11, 2020.

            Great point about being God honoring. That focuses the acts in TMB on the other person in a selfless gesture rather than being selfish in what I want.

            on August 11, 2020.
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              @ChrisHitchcock (OP): Thanks for editing your question, which now has much more useful detail. For future reference, there is no points minimum to ANSWER a question, and you can answer your own question, so that’s probably preferred to editing, which might go unnoticed. Also, the backlash against trolls using explicit speech isn’t really new…that’s one thing that TMB has always pushed against. Plus, you’ve done a great job of avoiding explicit wording here.

              So as I understand it now, you are struggling with your internal feelings/mental state about “taking” your wife, even though she enjoys it and perhaps(?) has requested it. This struggle is, in part, because you learned to enjoy it and maybe even crave it, which kind of makes you feel like a monster? Please let me know if this evaluation is off.

              Well, I think what you’re describing is normal and can be managed.

              On her side, realize that being “taken” is a common desire for women. There used to a TMB poll showing results of women wanting to be “taken” with some comments on why/why not, but I can’t remember exact numbers, and the poll no longer seems accessible. But reasons for this desire include: it makes them feel desirable, they like the physical sensations of “rough” sex, it is highly mentally arousing, they enjoy being with a men that is strong and uses said strength, and (yes) it satisfies their rape fantasy. Yes, the rape-fantasy part is a big deal, with one study showing 62% of college women have rape fantasies, and researchers think the actual number may be higher since some women may be too embarrassed/ashamed to admit their taboo fantasy. On top of that, sexual-assault victims (such as your wife) can still have this fantasy. Reasons vary, but one simple case is that they had this fantasy prior to their assault, and the assault did not change their fantasy. Others, such as your wife possibly, find it therapeutic when acted out with their DH. I believe the reasoning behind this is that the sex is still consensual and, in reality, she still holds the reins and can stop it at any time. Not sure if that rationale is right, but I guess it’s a possibility.

              On your side, I fully understand your regret and even horror at what you might be doing. I also understand the appeal and arousal that comes from doing it. My suggestion is that you put several mediating safeguards in place. The first is to communicate with your wife to fully get on the same page. This should include boundaries defining go/no go (this is especially important for assault victims, as there may be certain triggers that you find normal but can really upset them). Another thing is to define a safe word, particularly if you two have established that “no” doesn’t mean “no”. Typical safe words can be “RED” or “UNCLE”, but even something way out there like “THANOS” can work, it just needs to be predetermined. Another thing that can help both of you, but especially you, is to always practice aftercare. Once the sexual session is finished, this is a time of cuddling and kind words, establishing that you are her loving husband acting out a consensual fantasy and would never really hurt her. She probably already knows/accepts this given what you say. Note that aftercare is often utilized by couples that do role play, and in reality you two are doing a form of role play here (even if there is a part of you that really wants to do what you’re doing, which it sounds like there is even if you’d never do it if it weren’t fully consensual). I’d also suggest making sure you have some sex sessions that aren’t rough/being taken to help both of you not rely on that approach for arousal.

              Overall, I’m sure you two can work through this with solid communication and openness. As with everything on this site, communication should be #1 on the list. Thanks for asking such a difficult and vulnerable question.

              -Scott

              Under the stars Answered on August 12, 2020.
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                My wife used to enjoy being taken, not much foreplay etc. But due to problems with her vagina, that is out now.

                On the floor Answered on August 11, 2020.
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                  Picking up your wife and taking her to the bedroom, throwing her on the bed (without hurting her), removing her clothes while kissing her… if she’s into that, I don’t see a problem.

                  If she likes you to ‘take her’ while she screams ‘no’, but she really means ‘yes’… that would be pretty messed up, and confusing.

                  If she likes it without foreplay but suffers later, you could just care on the ‘take her’ them of passionate kissing and whatever other kind of foreplay in a kind of playful ‘forceful’ way without doing any damage and still give her time to warm up.

                  What is the situation exactly?  What is the problem?

                  California King Answered on August 11, 2020.
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                    This entire conversation is weird….

                    Queen bed Answered on August 11, 2020.

                    I don’t think “weird” is the right word. The OP did not give enough detail for people to provide very useful information, so the answers are kind of a jumble of options.

                    on August 11, 2020.
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                      Sounds like some lines have been crossed or bumped into, otherwise there would not be a question. Those lines may exist in you or you may perceive they exist in your DW. Bottom line- you need to be talking openly to HER about this. Soon.

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 12, 2020.
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                        “Taken” makes me think it is against her will.  It gives me the impression that she is into rape fantasy, which just sounds way too weird for me.

                        Now, if you mean she likes it “rough”, then I agree with her on that.  Sometimes I am in the mood for something a bit more wild and less gentle.

                        King bed Answered on August 12, 2020.
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