Higher sex drive than husband

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    My husband and I are newlyweds. We did not have sex with each other before we got married. He had sex with other women in his past, but that has been years ago at this point. When we got married, I expected us to be having sex all the time. He acted like that’s what he wanted. But right from the beginning, I already started to experience rejection from him. Or, he just won’t initiate. We’ve had so many conversations about it, and they’re always terrible. It’s the only fight we ever have, but it’s so bad that I’m already tired of talking to him about it. He told me at one point that he wanted me to give him more opportunities to initiate and that I was coming on a bit strong. But the truth is when I don’t try, he only initiates maybe once a week. It’s killing me because I want more than this, but no matter how many times we talk about it, I feel like it’s not getting better. I don’t know what the solution is, but I need some advice on how to deal with this..

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      Well you wrote 2 things that he stated:
      1. he wants you to give him opportunities to initiative
      2. he feels you are coming on a bit too strong

      Both statements are intended to create space for him and get you to back off, this is obvious to you, but maybe not him.

      He likely has NO idea that is what he did or even knows it was his intention, it was just his reaction to your higher drive.

      His reaction to your higher- than-his-drive is not INTENTIONAL. It is a knee-jerk reaction.
      Do NOT take this personally.
      If you take this personally, you’ll have your own knee-jerk response.
      Think this thing through, before your emotions lead you, TRUST ME ON THIS.

      Being newly married….you are BOTH going to learn and to find ways to accommodate eachother and meet each others needs. Create great communication skills and good habits NOW.

      Remember, ONE of you were going to be higher drive than the other.
      Read that again.
      And again.
      It just happens to be you.
      And it can suck.
      Sometimes are worse than others.
      But IT DOESN’T HAVE TO.

      Neither of you have a disease or fatal flaw.
      Are you both committed to eachother?
      Love eachother?
      Want the best for eachother?
      Willing to grow, accommodate and accept the differences between you?
      Live according to biblical principles?
      That’s all that you need to work as long as you are both good willed.
      But You will BOTH need to grow.

      Sexual intimacy in marriage can be the biggest challenge some marriages ever face.
      “To know and be known.”
      To accept our partner the same way we want to be known and accepted.

      For the higher drive spouse, the lower drive spouse appears to be invalidating the very opportunity to know us.
      That needs to be discussed.
      The low drive spouse likely doesn’t realize this is occurring, as they are focused on the stress of demands placed on them to be different than they are, and that does not foster intimacy.

      The high drive spouse is essentially pushing on a string.
      The dynamic can SUCK.
      But there is the opportunity to grow.
      You must both be willing to accept the challenge of growing.

      It’s a complicated dynamic.
      I think it’s harder on a HD wife than a HD husband, one reason being the lack of resources and attention given to it since it’s rarely discussed.
      That causes both spouses to feel further alone and struggle.

      Thankfully the bible works when applied regardless of drive and gender.
      The marriage bed rules spelled out clearly in the bible solve the problem when applied with love, grace, mercy and good will.

      If you aren’t happy in your marriage bed because of the lack of frequency, you need to have another discussion.

      But it should NOT be an argument.

      If you are being vulnerable and expressing your needs, that should not escalate into an argument. Although this is a difficult and awkward topic, you should be working together as a team because you KNOW he’s good willed and WANTS to meet your needs.

      You are simply telling him what your needs are.

      An argument doesn’t make sense if you are working together for a solution.

      Make sure you are sticking to the topic at hand.
      Ask questions when you do not understand his viewpoint.
      Ask him if he can articulate back to you what you are saying.

      It is reasonable to assume that your loving husband would want to fulfill your needs, and make the attempt to do so.

      Lotsa prayers your way.
      I pray that you can avoid the pain and pitfalls many of us encountered by dealing with this so much later in our marriage.
      You have the opportunity to prevent damage by being proactive.
      And girl, learn from me.
      When your husband starts to be intentional toward you, praise him AND praise the Lord.

      King bed Answered on September 10, 2020.

      This is spectacular advice. What workerbee didn’t mention is that she has a full marriage of experience with this…decades. You should definitely pay attention.

      -Scott

      on September 10, 2020.
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        I was in your shoes 20+ years ago and there are some great women (and men) on this board that will be able to give you some good advice, you are not alone in feeling this way.
        Communication is important – especially when there aren’t fresh hurt feelings.
        Since you are newlyweds, you have a good chance of getting this resolved early on and about years of heartache, but it will take work.
        Kuddos to you both for waiting for this marriage, even if you or he had past relationships. That’s a great start to your marriage.
        Try to avoid a pattern of trying to make all the stars and planets align in order for him to say yes. That’s a sure fire way to be hurt.
        Above all, remember there is nothing wrong with you. Placing blame on yourself – or him – will not help. There could be many factors at play, but God made you both {every single part of you} and He doesn’t make mistakes.

        Queen bed Answered on September 10, 2020.
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          I hate to bring this up….HATE it. But porn use needs to be considered. There are many ways it can derail the “normal train.” Don’t get angry. Don’t misunderstand. Don’t accuse. Don’t blame. Just consider. When you have that talk NWNL suggested, don’t mention it then, not the first time. Just listen for hints that he could have been tainted in his thinking. Even if he is not actively using, if he had exposure early in life, it can skew ones thinking and expectations.

          The other thing to consider is feelings of control, or the ability  to control ones life. If he feels like he needs to be the one in control, he may view your desire as it trying to control him. I’ve heard that before.

          Ultimately, you will be far better served if you can open communication lines and be honest, yet compassionate. Let him know you are hurt, but try not to hurt him with your hurt. It’s hard, I know.

          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 10, 2020.

          That was my first fear too LBD.  I am not an expert by any means but I have a hard time thinking that a young, otherwise healthy male would not be initiating LM with his beautiful new wife at every opportunity.

          But I also have come to realize (mainly from spending time on this board) that there are LD husbands and HD wives even though as far as I know, I don’t know any personally.

          on September 10, 2020.

          Yes

          on September 10, 2020.
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            Like others have said, communication is really important. Don’t be down on yourself for not being so good at this yet. You’ve just begun! It seems he hasn’t been communicating from his heart. Do what you can to nurture his spirit/soul so that he will be willing to share more.

            Also, be sure not to think something is wrong with you. I really believe what God has blessed you with sexually, with your higher drive, etc. are gifts you bring to your marriage and marriage bed. Learning how to enjoy them together is a big part of what marriage is – especially in the early years.

            It seems to me that he has more to learn about sexuality, your marriage bed, and what God has planned for it in marriage than perhaps you do. So, patience, prayer, and persistence are needed on your part. Be encouraged, God wants this part of your marriage to be good too!

            Under the stars Answered on September 10, 2020.
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              There are many possible reasons and the best response is almost certainly to get some third-party help, professional, pastoral, or personal, that can help understand the specific context and issues, and identify solutions that can help.

              I don’t think there has to be an external explanation like porn or an affair. This could just be a typical HD/LD divide, and in many of those the HD spouse is the wife.  Even if your husband has had past sexual experience while you haven’t, that doesn’t automatically make him the HD spouse.

              However, perhaps he assumed that his past experience, as well as being the man, would make him the more confident leader and initiator of your sex life (and perhaps you did as well). So it is difficult for him to realize that this is not the case and for him to deal with a wife who is more sexually aggressive than he is.

              Initiating once a week is not unusually low , even if it’s well below what you would prefer and what you expected as newlyweds.  {There are  a lot of HD spouses with similar “once a week” newlywed stories to yours, including me]. I’m not dismissing your concerns which are totally valid; I am just saying that there doesn’t have to be some dire explanation.

               

              Queen bed Answered on September 10, 2020.
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                I can’t comment yet, so I’m just going to add another answer

                I’m 25, he’s 26.

                I really don’t think he’s watching porn. We’ve had conversations about it before marriage. He’s always very honest with me. He told me a while back that he did watch it once while we were dating, but that it was not a regular thing. I asked him closer to our wedding date, and he told me no. I trust him on it. And about a week before we got married, he told me that he was not ready for me to give him oral sex because it was something he associate with porn, and he didn’t want to think of me in that way. To me, that was a signal that he wasn’t watching porn, but maybe I’m wrong..

                When I say he acted like he wanted it…I just think he was usually an initiator before we were married. I would have to tell him no a lot. Now I feel like it’s kind of flipped, and it’s frustrating.

                I appreciate y’all’s comments. It just makes me feel nervous. When we discuss it, I feel like feelings are always hurt on both sides. We always make up and it feels better for a while. But then as time passes, I get upset again.

                Twin bed Answered on September 10, 2020.

                I know you said you are newlyweds, how long have you been married?
                As another person eluded, when you talk about it, it should be away from the bedroom. And always with positive comments and “I statements.” Focus on the positive aspects.
                Are you familiar with the love languages?

                on September 10, 2020.
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                  If you haven’t found it yet, J at Hot, Holy, and Humorous has a group for the higher drive wives. Last I knew, it was a Facebook group. You might find that highly beneficial.

                  Under the stars Answered on September 10, 2020.

                  It’s no longer a Facebook group, it’s private and requires a subscription.

                  on September 10, 2020.

                  Good to know.

                  on September 10, 2020.
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                    “I hate to bring this up….HATE it. But porn use needs to be considered. There are many ways it can derail the “normal train.” Don’t get angry. Don’t misunderstand. Don’t accuse. Don’t blame. Just consider. When you have that talk…, don’t mention it then, not the first time. Just listen for hints that he could have been tainted in his thinking” –LBD

                    Yes, porn or an affair are two difficult reasons that I would not want to assume are present. Opening safe, honest communication with a spouse is critical no matter the situation. This is an opportunity to grow and build the foundation of your marriage.

                    If you’re not satisfied with how the conversation goes, have more. It’s not one and done. Since you’ve already had some and it’s a reoccurring issue, it may be a good time to get involved with a professional Christian counselor to get help.

                    Also, do you have a safe, healthy female that loves you AND loves your husband AND  values & honors Christ and having a healthy Christian marriage? All those things need to be present otherwise you will get skewed, biased advice.

                    Under the stars Answered on September 10, 2020.
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                      Does he have any confidence issues in the bedroom? Are you both achieving orgasm during sex? Is there a chance he doesn’t feel like he is satisfying you? Do y’all discuss not just quantity of sexual experiences, but also quality(needs/wants/trying new things) ?

                      Queen bed Answered on September 10, 2020.

                      Its not important to DW. At certain times she’s horny and wants me. This is really rare. Discussions are one direction. If I say I’m not sexually fulfilled, she blames me for the way I treat her or the kids. Its all absurd nonsense. Often she will say that she bought some intimacy supplement in order to look like she’s trying.

                      5 days ago.
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                        One thing I notice with my wife is the engine needs a little warming up sometimes before she’s ready to go.  She might not be interested in sex at first, but if she starts, she’s like the energizer bunny and keeps going and going (maybe the opposite of ‘go’ would fit better there, but I digress.)  Also, just having pleasant discussion, touching, etc. can help set the mood.

                        You could ask him to lay down with you and hold you.  Tell him how much you like it when he hugs you.  If he’s up for it, say you like naked hugging, even if you don’t have sex.  What young married couple doesn’t enjoy that?  Maybe you could initiate and let him think he’s doing it.  You could ask if it is okay if you just hold his penis.  It feels good to hold it, even if you aren’t going to do anything.  Your a newly wed.  You’r probably a little fascinated by it.  You don’t have one.  You are curious.  It’s intimate to touch it.  Ask him if it is okay if you hold it even if he doesn’t want to have sex, just for your enjoyment.  If you watch something on TV, you can have your hand down his shorts.  Get into a habit of that where he’s cool with that and with you touching the area while he is asleep.  Give him permission to treat you the sameway.  Then, just sort of hold without being too overt that you are trying to stimulate him when you got a hold on him.  Get him to where he wants to do more, then let go of it for a while and just hug him.  He might initiate, if you can call that him initiating.  Ask permission to touch it while he’s asleep.

                        You don’t have to go straight for the penis.  You can tell him you like to hug and caress him and touch other parts first, thighs, buttocks, etc. while you are laying down with him, on the bed, on the couch watching the news, etc., before touching his genitals.

                        Get in the habit of giving each other massages a few nights a week.  Make that a thing.

                        If he’s up for full body hugging, naked hugging, etc. you can do that until he starts thinking sex might be a good idea, then see if he decides to ‘initiate’ after he gets worked up.  Then express how excited you are that he initiated.

                        He’s young.  If he has difficulty lasting a long time during sex, tell him you read on the Internet that sometimes a man can have sex longer if he has it a second night in the row.  (You are reading it now.)  The second time right after the refractory period ends can take even longer.  But if he ejaculates prematurely, talk him into giving it a go the second night, and try to get into a pattern of sex two nights in a row, so the second night you can get a longer session if you like that.

                        When my wife and I first got married, I wanted it every night, but she’d get sore the second night in a rose, so we got into a pattern of intercourse one afternoon when I got home from work and a hand job the next.  Of course, I was giving her oral for maybe 30 minutes before intercourse, constantly wearing her out with multiple orgasms so maybe she needed rest the next night from that, too.  Periods could last 9 or 10 days, but I was getting a hand job every night.   If you have the higher drive and you tell him you have needs, maybe you can talk him into sexual sessions where he just plays with you and gives you orgasms.  If he agrees, he can perform OS, finger, etc. or whatever methods to give you some orgasmic relief.  You can tell him if he wants to have intercourse during those sessions just to enter at will.  If he doesn’t want intercourse, you can still let him feel some closeness after you are done by hugging him, holding him, telling him how much you appreciate what he did for him and how much you love him. etc.   You can also do that stuff during intercourse, too, or right before or after it.  There is a whole ‘nother level of emotional pleasure that comes from experiencing that sort of thing during intercourse and that can be addicting… in a good way… as well.

                        California King Answered on September 12, 2020.
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