How connected with your spouse do you need to be for LM?

    Spin off SeekingChange’s post about emotional connection. 
    Hopefully the meaning comes across but if not, just take it at face value.

    How connected do you need to be, or how much emotional connection do you need first, before LM?

    And your spouse? 

    I’ll answer with mine after awhile.

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    11 Answer(s)

      Uncaring, etc…typical answer of my wife…hopefully not of all women. What exactly does uncaring mean and is it a universal thing. Are men or myself going around looking to do uncaring things??

      It sounds to me like an excuse to cover up a low sex drive. You know, blame him and you are not responsible.

      @CJ REALLY???

      Here we go again with you. THAT was really uncaring.  If you know Wheat at all, you know she was SEXUALLY ABUSED as a child and has made it a point to overcome it as much as she can in her marriage.  Obviously, you know nothing about what it is to be sexually abused and how it scars you for life.  And you have the gall to accuse her of “covering up” a low sex drive and blaming him

      FIRST OF ALL, there is ZERO WRONG with a low sex drive.  ZERO. No one needs to come up with an excuse for a low sex drive.

      Also uncaring…you cannot figure that one out or be cognisant enough as a husband of what,  50 something years, to know what it is to be uncaring toward your wife AND understand how that would affect her desire to be with you sexually?

      “Are men or myself going around looking to do uncaring things”  Turn that around..are women going around looking to do low drive sex things just to bug husbands?

      Again…with your marriage issues……

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 30, 2020.

      Don’t forget she just posted the other day that  she and her DH make love 12-16x/month, that’s 3-4x/wk and nothing to sneeze at. More than many on the boards and remarkable considerable her abused background. Wheat48 is a testimony to the power of God and the work she had to do to overcome such a difficult history.

      on September 30, 2020.

      Absolutely second what both of you say. Based on her answer to today’s QOTD, I’d wager her work and healing have led to her being the higher-desire spouse in her MB. A hero (or heroine) as far as I’m concerned.

      -Scott

      on September 30, 2020.

      I was a bit touchy as i have been molested from age 7 to 14 and have worked hard to overcome my abuse. It isn’t easy, it still isn’t easy, it permeates my attitudes and my POV of life even with forgiving the offender and moving on. It changes your very essence, even with healing from the Lord.  The only thing that has helped me heal is having a wonderful patient husband AND the fact that i hate the enemy and will not let him steal my right and joy as a married woman. If i came across as harsh toward CJ i apologize but that really struck a nerve and it is getting tiring.

      on October 1, 2020.

      SoA, you don’t have a reason to apologize. It was an insensitive and irresponsible comment and Wheat has written multiple times about her history AND her recovery. Not that we have to have long memories but W48 has written many things in the last few days that would contradict what he wrote. This was not only uncalled for in the moment but calloused to the community as a whole and when he had the opportunity to apologize or clarify his seemingly insensitive and oblivious to the truth comments , he still didn’t.

      on October 1, 2020.

      SoA thank you.  I think your response was appropriate.  C Joseph’s responses are insensitive, rude and unhelpful.  He responds inappropriately to others on this forum in his responses, then excuses it away with his life situation.  We can either stay victims and lash out, hurting other people, or grow to become something better

      on October 1, 2020.

      well……ok, you took a shot at me. My own experience at my wife’s abuse was that IF she had such a problem with her past, she certainly did NOT show it in her great sexual performance for the first 10 years!

      I am certainly NOT an expert and requiring that I walk on glass to say anything seems insensitive to me, though I am not that offended.

      Most husbands would certainly be confused at his wife’s great interest in sex for years and then suddenly she cuts it off. (more or less)

      My wife even said that she told me about her abuse before we married. AND I quote: she said, “you knew what you were married into!”

      No, I didn’t know. I was 20 when she told me. Are 20 year old guys so educated in the psychology, treatment and recovery of their future wife that they could predict a cut off of sex later in marriage and then be willing to marry anyway??

      What is the answer? Ask a 20 year old; “ok mr 20 year old, your new gorgeous wife will be the best wife ever and will thirst for more sex over the years and even give you kids, then suddenly will stop desiring sex AND (here’s the kicker) she will blame you! do you still want to marry her???”

      Thats it. Blaming the husband on HER LD (low drive) when its not him, it’s her. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is false accusations and then blaming me for my wife’s LD when it’s probably just chemical and age. Her abuse was bad and she is still bothered by it, but it accounts for only a small part of her LD.

      That is all I meant to say. If you took what I said as an insensitive shot at those who have been abused, you read wrong and I need to write more and I doubt you all want to read more.

      Many people ARE affected by past abuse, I have been reminded of this repeatedly. In some cases, like when our 21 years old special needs daughter ran away and was raped, my wife was sexually affected and there was no way around it!

      I do not make assumptions. If I am headed in an assumption direction, I will say so and I did. I do not assume all women act a certain way, but in many cases it seems so but I am wrong to say a particular thing applies to ALL women.  If I did say that or it seems as though I did, I’m sorry.

       

      on October 1, 2020.
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        I like to be quite connected. On the other hand, occasionally sex is what has connected us again. I find if a few days have passed and DH has been very busy, thats one thing. But, if we have been together more, and still aren’t very emotionally connected, that kind of sex isn’t so nice!

        Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2020.
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          @MrsNerd:

          I didn’t get around to a long answer to this earlier today, but it sounds like your husband has already communicated some of what I wanted to…

          Specifically, I wanted to point out that I certainly can have sex without an emotional connection, but it feels shallow and incomplete. When combined with my own insecurities, porn problem, my DW’s disinterest in sex/inability to orgasm, and her gatekeeping, the term “very wrong” might not be far off from what I felt a few years. In the reverse of @Wheat48’s situation, I felt that I was using my DW for sex…it was awful. I felt like an impulsive animal and not a real, human lover. (Note: Zelda has said, in retrospect, she never felt like I was using her, but that doesn’t mean my feelings are any less real.)

          We haven’t had sex where I felt like that in a long time. The changes we made to ensure she gets just as much pleasure as I do have revolutionized our MB. As far as I’m concerned, that’s real “love making”, and it’s amazing. It requires much more than primal interactions only…not that there’s anything wrong with primal, just that more is needed.

          -Scott

          Edited: completed the last sentence of the second paragraph…it was incomplete before.

          Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2020.

          “The changes we made to ensure she gets just as much pleasure as I do have revolutionized our MB. As far as I’m concerned, that’s real “love making”, and it’s amazing. It requires much more than primal interactions only…not that there’s anything wrong with primal, just that more is needed.”

          I found this part interesting. I tried to figure out where *I* would fit into this. And I am trying to figure out what you mean by certain terms, like “pleasure” and “primal interactions”? I wonder if it’s even possible for me to experience “primal” in marriage.?. Though I don’t “feel” emotional connection or a need for it to engage in IC, there takes a lot of intentionality and effort… that is far from my opinion of what “primal” would be.

          on September 30, 2020.

          @Scott+Zelda, I understand DH’s reasons, but I’m still not able to relate fully.
          I can see what you mean with contrasting the more primal with lovemaking, it’s really a difference of perspective because I don’t see LM that way, being so cut-and-dry, but perhaps he does.
          With our roles being reversed(and complex), it’s hard to draw a comparison with stereotypes.
          I think he is easily “disconnected” from me. Example scenario: We were in good spirits and emotionally connected in the morning, parted ways for a few hours, come back together and… he feels we’re not emotionally connected anymore and the long conversation must happen before he feels connected again. This is where I suspect the abuse comes into play, having wired him for anxiety and he has said spends most of his time worrying that we’re at odds (when we’re not).
          Had another productive (short tho) conversation tonight about love languages, communication, and priorities. Things we can both work on. No LM, again. :[ It’s been a discouraging couple of weeks, so that conversation is a glimmer of hope once more. I really love this guy, I’m trying.
          Thanks for your input!

          on October 1, 2020.

          @MrsNerd: It sounds like not only is he insecure, but he may have codependency issues. I’m not very familiar with that area, but you might want to research it.

          @SC: When I say “pleasure”, I am of course referring, in part, to her getting an O with the vibe. However, it’s more than that and just the general focus on her first over me. That includes a “my desires last” component. That would play out differently in each marriage. Not to get too personal, but for you @SC, it would mean I would lower our frequency until you enjoyed the MB. And for someone like @MrsNerd, it would mean the opposite–engaging with some form of coitus so that you were satisfied, even if that wasn’t PIV. Gotta be careful here to not put myself in place of your husbands and sow unhappiness, so please read that with care, as those are just examples. However, I’ve thought a lot about this because it won’t be too long before the swings of menopause start arriving and what my wife brings internally could be totally different than what I’m used to!

          -Scott

          on October 1, 2020.

          @Scott+Zelda, I think you could be right there re codependency. Lots to think about for sure. & thanks for being careful about sowing unhappiness (discontent), that’s always a concern.

          on October 1, 2020.

          ok

          on October 1, 2020.
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            I don’t really need any, but the quality can be affected. Where I am personally (vs. my hudband) has a much greater impact on what I can and cannot do. I am a fairly good compartmentalizer for a woman. I am often able to do what I need to do. Love is a choice, and rarely is the real thing dependent on feelings.

            Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2020.
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              The answer to the title question depends upon how long it has been since previously having sex.

              Sex every day or nearly every day absolutely requires a significant emotional connection (in-depth, meaningful discussion that day plus non-sexual and semi-sexual touch). But if it’s been over a week, the emotional barrier required to have sex is quite low. Personally, I think this is a God-made mechanism for uniting husbands and wives. As the time between sexual union increases, the HrD spouse will increasingly pursue the LrD one, and the sexual union itself will then help re-establish the emotional bond for the HrD spouse, and potentially both spouses (assuming it wasn’t re-established prior to sex). While clearly not perfect, I think we’ve seen that pattern described here plenty of times.

              -Scott

              Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2020.
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                Very. If we haven’t been getting along, if DH has been uncaring, or I feel hurt, if we have sex before becoming connected again, I feel used and gross

                On the floor Answered on September 30, 2020.

                Just curious, do you have sexual abuse in your past?

                on September 30, 2020.

                @MrsNerd: Not sure when/if @Wheat48 will see this, so I’ll answer for her and say that she does. She has mentioned it at TMB multiple times, but I’ll just link to her first question here, where she makes it clear in the opening paragraph:

                https://qna.themarriagebed.com/question/dissociation-during-sex/

                -Scott

                ETA: the enormous leaps @Wheat48 has shown in her marriage here is a huge inspiration and very encouraging!

                on September 30, 2020.

                @Scott+Zelda thanks, I’m thinking my DH’s past has affected this area of our relationship.

                on September 30, 2020.

                I doubt you’ll find anyone here who would say it isn’t a possibility.

                -Scott

                on September 30, 2020.

                @MrsNerd, it’s a very high possibility. My DH had one instance of sexual trauma. All these years he would have said it didn’t affect him. After someone explained to me, how it likely affected him, I can see it very clearly. There are these ‘little’ unexplainable things that I had noticed, but no explanation for. I now understand why.

                on September 30, 2020.

                Uncaring, etc…typical answer of my wife…hopefully not of all women. What exactly does uncaring mean and is it a universal thing. Are men or myself going around looking to do uncaring things??

                It sounds to me like an excuse to cover up a low sex drive. You know, blame him and you are not responsible.

                on September 30, 2020.

                Yes, I was abused and had a lot of trauma. @C Joseph  You obviously haven’t read any of my other posts. Your bitterness comes through in every post. Instead of pointing your finger at EVERY woman, I think it’s time to look at yourself.

                on September 30, 2020.

                I stated the truth about me a while ago; My unemployment and lack of ability to change it results in a wife who emasculates me daily. It is me, totally me, I said it before and if you do really read my posts, I have kept no secret to it.

                I am at fault. For my wife to make up things that are not part of this, exasperates things.

                on September 30, 2020.

                CJ, could it be you continually emasculate yourself? She just treats you the way you want to be treated. Because rather than step up and change your behavior, maybe it’s easy to act like you do and blame her? You don’t respect yourself and then you allow your wife to do the same and get mad when she treats you the way you treat yourself, so why not learn to do respect yourself? Maybe in learning to respect yourself and seeing yourself the way God see you, you’ll be able to notice and empathize with the people around you instead of bulldozing them over? 

                In regards to what you wrote, you had the perfect opportunity to apologize for your insensitive comment under this post of Wheat48 and you double down without apology. I suspect that is the kind of behavior that aids in your life situation and it’s sad. You’ve been beaten up by life and your wife and the bitterness oozes from all your write but I would think learning to empathize with others hurts before always sharing your own is a skill you need to work on before your situation will change with others and maybe even your wife.

                on October 1, 2020.

                C Joseph if you admit it is you, then don’t use it as an excuse to come after other people, in this specific instance, coming after me. Your response was rude and I don’t appreciate it.  Nor was it helpful to this community.

                on October 1, 2020.

                rude? I never meant it to be. Clarification is difficult when it takes paragraphs to explain one’s background, opinion and then answer to a question.

                do I need top write less? Sometimes people assume things are simple and in my household and marriage things are far from simple.

                One guy recommended I demand my wife drop her panties…etc, etc, etc, and I am not going top treat her like that so I tend to write a longer explanation and then people use that explanation to insult me and my limited actions at home.

                on October 1, 2020.
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                  As much as possible.

                  Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2020.
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                    Wife needs connection more than I do usually BUT she also understands that I want to make love to feel connected as well. If we get disjointed, it takes someone moving past their needs to serve the other to come together emotionally.

                    DW offered a quickie EARLY this morning because today is my LONG day and it’s been several days and I can just get out of sorts when that happens.  I felt connected and she’ll get her conversations later tonight or early in the morning tmw to get what she needs. That’s what marriage and sacrificial love is about. I just need to do a better job of it because my wife is a saint, both from her actions, and apparently as everyone else thinks around here, she must be one because she married me and only the Lord knew how much work I needed. 😀

                    Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2020.
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                      This topic came up in a conversation with DH a month ago.
                      He needs at least 30 minutes of one-on-one quality time(conversing) before he feels connected/close enough to consider LM. Says LM feels “very wrong” without it.
                      I never before connected it to his past, just attributed it to yet another way our roles are flipped.
                      Honestly if we’re talking about love languages, he doesn’t often use mine (acts of service) so I don’t feel fulfilled that way, but I separate that from LM and wish it were simpler. By the time we get through a conversation together, LM doesn’t happen due to the hour. I feel like I’m in a season of giving, over and over, and sometimes it just plain hurts.
                      It’s good to see everyone’s responses, thank you all.

                      Hammock Answered on September 30, 2020.

                      I’ve been in a season like that, of being the only one giving with very little return. It does hurt, and it’s easy to become unhealthy if it lasts too long.

                      on September 30, 2020.

                      Thanks SeekingChange, I’m certainly trying to change things. Sometimes discouragement is the biggest hurdle.

                      on October 1, 2020.
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                        Surprisingly, more than you might think, given that I am and always have been the higher drive spouse. If we are at odds, I’d rather not be sexual with her. I know she feels that way about it too. Maybe the “at odds” level has to be higher for me…. 🙂   But I can never do “angry sex” or whatever it is called when you have sex to work out aggression toward each other – apparently it is a thing, I’ve read about it.

                        And more and more, if I am feeling any distance from her, I just can’t create interest within myself. Some of that is of my own doing. Defense mechanism I guess. And that uncontrollable internal fire I used to have in my 20’s and 30’s isn’t much of a spark anymore. I guess in the grand scheme, that is a good thing. It forces us to pay attention to each other, and since we are all we got now, that’s good.

                        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 1, 2020.
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