How connected with your spouse do you need to be for LM?
Spin off SeekingChange’s post about emotional connection.
Hopefully the meaning comes across but if not, just take it at face value.
How connected do you need to be, or how much emotional connection do you need first, before LM?
And your spouse?
I’ll answer with mine after awhile.
Uncaring, etc…typical answer of my wife…hopefully not of all women. What exactly does uncaring mean and is it a universal thing. Are men or myself going around looking to do uncaring things??
It sounds to me like an excuse to cover up a low sex drive. You know, blame him and you are not responsible.
Here we go again with you. THAT was really uncaring. If you know Wheat at all, you know she was SEXUALLY ABUSED as a child and has made it a point to overcome it as much as she can in her marriage. Obviously, you know nothing about what it is to be sexually abused and how it scars you for life. And you have the gall to accuse her of “covering up” a low sex drive and blaming him
FIRST OF ALL, there is ZERO WRONG with a low sex drive. ZERO. No one needs to come up with an excuse for a low sex drive.
Also uncaring…you cannot figure that one out or be cognisant enough as a husband of what, 50 something years, to know what it is to be uncaring toward your wife AND understand how that would affect her desire to be with you sexually?
“Are men or myself going around looking to do uncaring things” Turn that around..are women going around looking to do low drive sex things just to bug husbands?
Again…with your marriage issues……
I like to be quite connected. On the other hand, occasionally sex is what has connected us again. I find if a few days have passed and DH has been very busy, thats one thing. But, if we have been together more, and still aren’t very emotionally connected, that kind of sex isn’t so nice!
I didn’t get around to a long answer to this earlier today, but it sounds like your husband has already communicated some of what I wanted to…
Specifically, I wanted to point out that I certainly can have sex without an emotional connection, but it feels shallow and incomplete. When combined with my own insecurities, porn problem, my DW’s disinterest in sex/inability to orgasm, and her gatekeeping, the term “very wrong” might not be far off from what I felt a few years. In the reverse of @Wheat48’s situation, I felt that I was using my DW for sex…it was awful. I felt like an impulsive animal and not a real, human lover. (Note: Zelda has said, in retrospect, she never felt like I was using her, but that doesn’t mean my feelings are any less real.)
We haven’t had sex where I felt like that in a long time. The changes we made to ensure she gets just as much pleasure as I do have revolutionized our MB. As far as I’m concerned, that’s real “love making”, and it’s amazing. It requires much more than primal interactions only…not that there’s anything wrong with primal, just that more is needed.
Edited: completed the last sentence of the second paragraph…it was incomplete before.
I don’t really need any, but the quality can be affected. Where I am personally (vs. my hudband) has a much greater impact on what I can and cannot do. I am a fairly good compartmentalizer for a woman. I am often able to do what I need to do. Love is a choice, and rarely is the real thing dependent on feelings.
The answer to the title question depends upon how long it has been since previously having sex.
Sex every day or nearly every day absolutely requires a significant emotional connection (in-depth, meaningful discussion that day plus non-sexual and semi-sexual touch). But if it’s been over a week, the emotional barrier required to have sex is quite low. Personally, I think this is a God-made mechanism for uniting husbands and wives. As the time between sexual union increases, the HrD spouse will increasingly pursue the LrD one, and the sexual union itself will then help re-establish the emotional bond for the HrD spouse, and potentially both spouses (assuming it wasn’t re-established prior to sex). While clearly not perfect, I think we’ve seen that pattern described here plenty of times.
Wife needs connection more than I do usually BUT she also understands that I want to make love to feel connected as well. If we get disjointed, it takes someone moving past their needs to serve the other to come together emotionally.
DW offered a quickie EARLY this morning because today is my LONG day and it’s been several days and I can just get out of sorts when that happens. I felt connected and she’ll get her conversations later tonight or early in the morning tmw to get what she needs. That’s what marriage and sacrificial love is about. I just need to do a better job of it because my wife is a saint, both from her actions, and apparently as everyone else thinks around here, she must be one because she married me and only the Lord knew how much work I needed. 😀
This topic came up in a conversation with DH a month ago.
He needs at least 30 minutes of one-on-one quality time(conversing) before he feels connected/close enough to consider LM. Says LM feels “very wrong” without it.
I never before connected it to his past, just attributed it to yet another way our roles are flipped.
Honestly if we’re talking about love languages, he doesn’t often use mine (acts of service) so I don’t feel fulfilled that way, but I separate that from LM and wish it were simpler. By the time we get through a conversation together, LM doesn’t happen due to the hour. I feel like I’m in a season of giving, over and over, and sometimes it just plain hurts.
It’s good to see everyone’s responses, thank you all.
Surprisingly, more than you might think, given that I am and always have been the higher drive spouse. If we are at odds, I’d rather not be sexual with her. I know she feels that way about it too. Maybe the “at odds” level has to be higher for me…. 🙂 But I can never do “angry sex” or whatever it is called when you have sex to work out aggression toward each other – apparently it is a thing, I’ve read about it.
And more and more, if I am feeling any distance from her, I just can’t create interest within myself. Some of that is of my own doing. Defense mechanism I guess. And that uncontrollable internal fire I used to have in my 20’s and 30’s isn’t much of a spark anymore. I guess in the grand scheme, that is a good thing. It forces us to pay attention to each other, and since we are all we got now, that’s good.