How do I get my wife to initiate?

    Men typically can become aroused at the drop of a hat, yet women do not become aroused until after sex is initiated. So, how can I get my wife to be proactive and initiate? Her idea of initiating is too schedule sex and put it on the calendar. When the day arrives she will say, “It’s Thursday.” That means we are supposed to have sex.

    She enjoys the heck out of it when we have it, but never actually pursues it. Occasionally, after she has had a cocktail she may be horny enough to initiate, but I don’t want alcohol to be the answer.  I believe her libido is okay, but it is not in her wheelhouse to be the aggressive one (this wasn’t the case when we were dating).

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      It seems to me that if she is willing to talk about it, then increasing understanding is important. Many of us need to learn about the other, the value of both members of the couple initiating, what it means to the other if you initiate, etc.

      But if she is not willing to talk about it, you need to work on that. In many cases that would involve working on communication and emotional intimacy first. If this doesn’t move ahead, talking frankly about sex and initiating probably will cause friction.

      Under the stars Answered on October 27, 2019.
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        In great part, it comes down to her mindset. My wife initiates periodically, and we end up taking turns. For one or both of us, it’s usually something along the lines of “it’s been took long since we last had sex, let’s have sex soon.” And then we have sex at the next available opportunity. It wasn’t always this way.

        She’s basically put herself in the mindset of “I’m sexy, I love sex and it’s something I want.” It’s really a choice on her part, but that mindset choice creates desire.

        There are occasions when she simply becomes aroused (like when she reads a sexy story I’ve written for her, or when I take off my pants and she sees me naked). She’ll usually respond accordingly and we may have sex at that point, if I’m up for it too and we’ve got the time (and the kids aren’t around).

        I would suggest that perhaps you take your wife out to dinner and make this part of the conversation, outside the bedroom. Something along the lines of: “We have an awesome sex life. You are incredible in the bedroom. I really appreciate the efforts you’re going through to make sure we have sex on a regular basis. Would you consider putting yourself in this mindset, too, so that you’ll desire sex spontaneously, too?”

        It may be that you and she will need to start doing a few things that will help. For example, work together to create mind and emotional space for her so she isn’t having to constantly think about a billion things. Work on planning. Take things off her plate. Cleaning dishes, kitchen, etc. could be part of that, but isn’t the whole picture. Make sure she gets adequate time doing things that bless her, such as coffees with a close friend, or by herself with a book, etc. For her part, it may be helpful to start “sensualizing” herself outside of the immediate context of sex on Thursday nights. She may want to get a spa day for example, or buy new underwear, shave her legs and pubic area, etc. She may find it helpful to start masturbating when you’re not there, just to get in touch with her sensual self and “rev up her engines” so she’s more frequently turned on at a low level when she is around you again (for many women, masturbating makes them want sex more, which is the opposite of most men).

        Anyway, I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

        California King Answered on October 27, 2019.
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          Your wife is initiating in her way. When I read only the question, the first thought that came to mind was setting up a schedule. So, are you asking how you can get your wife to initiate in a way that looks more like a man’s sexuality?

          Have you communicated the little things that make you feel wanted and loved? A grab or pinch here, and little comment there? Even if a woman might not have a drive or sexual desire that naturally motivates her to do so, if she has a will to show her husband love in his way, she can learn to do it.

          Under the stars Answered on October 27, 2019.

          yes, agreed. If I’m near her, my wife will often reach out and grab my penis (through my clothing, or not, depending). This communicates love to me, and it’s a conscious choice on her part. Due to positive feedback over the years, it’s become a pleasant and arousing habit for her. Same with whenever I get naked in front of her or when I step out of the shower. I will often get some kind of positive comment from her, which again has the same effect (on both of us). It was an originally conscious decision on her part that has turned into a habit that arouses her (now–it didn’t as much in the beginning). She did/does it to bless me, and now it blesses her, too.

          on October 27, 2019.
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            Thanks for all the input. It is a mindset – hers and mine. She is simply not wired to be a “sexy” initiator and appears to be unwilling or unable to change. Perhaps it is wrong of me to expect her to do so. We are 64 & 57 respectively, empty nesters, she works full time in a fairly stressful environment and I work part time from home – perhaps that’s the problem – I have too much free time to think about such things.

            Twin bed Answered on October 27, 2019.
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              Some women (and I guess a small percentage of men) just won’t initiate with any sort of frequency. In the past 5 yr, I think my wife only truly initiated when TTC, right after reading erotica (or watching the movie version of said erotica), and 1 other time. That 1 time was our first time after my porn confession–I had told her I would wait for her to initiate to invite me back into our bed after my transgression. Even that time was sort of a half initiation where I had to pick up the slack and make it explicit.

              I agree that using alcohol for this is bad, and using erotica is even worse (similar to porn for men). Instead, the best we’ve found is a sort of pseudo initiation. I’ll start dropping hints in the morning and throw a few others out to her throughout the day. Then, if she’s willing to partake, she’ll come to bed naked (she doesn’t normally sleep naked anymore). The nakedness is the signal, though occasionally we won’t end up ML if I believe it’ll do us more harm than good (e.g. she is overly tired). Sometimes even just one or two hints (then I stop, figuring it is off the table) have been enough and I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Yay me.

              On the floor Answered on October 27, 2019.
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                You could do something that clues her into you being in the mood. Have a 2 sided pillow on the bed you can turn over she could see or one that you only put on when you want her to take over? Or something similar. I feel like many women just don’t think about it as often, but we enjoy it. Do you have children? She may just be too tired or feel unappreciated or something too

                Queen bed Answered on October 27, 2019.
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                  It is hard for me to start. My DH usually initiates. I do not initiate because I don’t know how and I’m afraid to. What if he doesn’t want to?

                  Queen bed Answered on October 27, 2019.
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                    @Purple10:

                    “I do not initiate because I don’t know how and I’m afraid to. What if he doesn’t want to?”

                    Most men would love it if their wives would initiate sometimes. Why don’t you just ask him if he would like it if you did occasionally, and if so, how he would want you to.  Asking that might be easier than just trying to initiate sometime.

                    On the floor Answered on October 27, 2019.
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                      I really wouldn’t discount the schedule. I have a close friend whose Dh wanted her to initiate OS more. So she did because she cares about him. But he got upset because he realized she was scheduling it. I understand his point of view. He felt like a line item on a to-do list. But she truly wanted to please him. She’s hesitant about initiating. Scheduling it was her way of making sure it didn’t fall by the wayside. She was hurt that he didn’t see that she truly wanted to give him what he needed, and she was doing it the only way she knew how.

                      I think a lot of women – including myself – really don’t know how to initiate. It seems like she’s trying, and a no-pressure conversation with her about what you like best would help

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 28, 2019.
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                        it’s been said already… some people just aren’t wired to initiate. For whatever reason, in their minds, it’s not the way it should go. I can count on one hand the amount of time my wife have initiated in 22 years. You said she lives it when it’s happening… that’s a blessing!… so many people are refused more often than not.

                        On the floor Answered on November 1, 2019.
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