How do I kindle desire in my wife?
The Unspoken Truth About a Sex-Starved Marriage
She has a lot of very good info on marriage and intimacy. Her video on the “Sex-Sarved Marriage” is something every couple should watch
Have you heard of responsive desire? Many, if not most, women have responsive desire. That means they don’t really have desire until after things begin. Would your wife be open to reading and learning about that? If so, I know there are blog pieces out there on it.
Sorry to hear of your situation.
I’ll start with a bad joke, but this is what came to mind when I read your question:
Buy her a kindle fire HD 8!
I commend you for the changes you have made and how you are seeking to serve her. As you continue to do that and pray for her, expect a breakthrough.
In addition to what SC said, I suggest two things. First, keep working at understanding her and why it is that she withholds herself from you. In the end, that is the key. Second, if there is someone who can help her understand how important fulfilling sexual intimacy is for individual health and for the wellbeing of the marriage. Does she have a friend who might encourage her in this? I know at times it is friends who are similar that “encourage” a person the wrong way. But if there was a couple that you two know that are sex-positive, would it help to spend time with them? Or would she read some of the helpful blogs by Christian wives (Like the Forgiven Wife)?
You said in the other question that you had been married 23 y ears: has she always been like this or was there a time when she was more interested in sex?
And my sincere sympathies on the teens staying up as late as the parents!! I just try to remind myself that in a handful of years we will be empty nesters and while I will enjoy the freedom for sex, I will miss our daughter terribly!!
Here’s a thought I just had: is your wife having trouble separating thoughts about sex between the two of you from thoughts about your kids having sex? Is she so focused on preventing (or just hoping against) sexual activity in your kids that it is affecting her thoughts about sex with you? I know we have noticed a few surreal moments where our daughter’s developing sexuality (and our desire to protect it) butts against our sexuality and it is a bizarre sensation. (For instance, mixing up my daughter’s and my own bras will short circuit Hubby’s interest in a hurry!!)
Is it possible that masturbation is part of the problem? Is she perhaps interpreting it as meaning that she doesn’t have to have sex if she doesn’t want to because you’ll satisfy your desires through masturbation? Does she also feel that you’re more interested in your pleasure than hers?
It also sounds like she doesn’t enjoy sex very much. You need to work together to understand why she doesn’t enjoy sex, and help her to enjoy it more. Is it possible that she’s menopausal? Or that the naturopath in “balancing her hormones” is doing more harm than good by suppressing her sexual desire?
Thanks everyone for your insights. Duchess, the gate keeping started as soon as we returned from our honeymoon and I was devastated. We have had ups and downs along the way. A high point after the birth of our first child stands out to me but it was short lived. Also as newlyweds I found it terribly hard to take when she would never open her eyes or look at me during lovemaking. I was looking for connection and it felt like just a physical act. This has persisted through our marriage, and her arms may as well be cut off.
We have all daughters but I don’t think she shares this fear. We homeschool our kids and they are all really good kids.
This sounds like a longstanding issue that won’t be easy to solve.
The first step needs to be talking with your wife and convincing her that there is actually a problem and that you both need to work together to solve it.
It sounds like your wife doesn’t enjoy sex, so you need to talk together to understand why, and then to create ongoing dialogue so that you can work together to help her enjoy sex. There may be other issues like stress, tiredness, body image issues, menopause etc. that need to be solved in order to do this.
Personally, I also think that you need to stop masturbating because it’s a sticking-plaster solution that’s relieving the symptom but doing nothing about the underlying cause. I think you’re both using it as the easy way out to avoid solving the underlying problems.
None of this will be easy, and I think you need to confide in close Christian friends who can help and support you in your marriage. Hopefully you have a pastor or someone that you can talk to who can help point you in the right direction.
Sounds like the loss of trust and sense of betrayal due to porn use is a big part of the problem. I think you did the right thing by confessing, stopping using porn and working to earn her trust.
It sounds like things are moving in the right direction and there is hope for the future.