How do I say it?
The amount of effort given to sexuality in a marriage is everything. Zero effort with lower drive means zero is going on.
How do I tell her that she is sexually boring and her efforts are near zero? Its like she knows what I like (nudity in bed would be nice) and makes effort to not exploit it. Avoids turning me on unless kids, money, schedule, sleep, pain, weather, political news, and week 2 without sex has occurred. Thats right, if she suddenly realizes I have not had a release for 2 weeks, she might make an effort. With a killer body at 50+ she doesn’t need to do much to get started.
Sex acts: PIV, she has vaginismus pain so no PIV for 13 months now. No OS on me, its along tradition she won’t do. OS on her, a month ago she agreed and as I mentioned in other posts, it turned into a giggle time with even a small amount of touch. Hand job is a very difficult act for her since she has nerve problems. If it is a good day she can do it but really tries to finish it way to fast, I end up injured. (really injured, sore, hurting after)
So, her last question, “what do you want” and I said OS on her was a failure. I got nothing left. With a porn addiction past, I don’t feel temptation. But…
Is it something she will react constructively to if I say, “you are a very sexually unsatisfying woman?”
2 week sexual encounters that are poor in satisfaction and say the least for her wanting an orgasm by my hand. Once per month perhaps.
And her daily life is telling me to not leave my book or computer or wallet on the counter top?? Then cleans up the house by throwing everything into the garage! is the fact of me wanting to place my books on the kitchen counter top the same as me saying I want her nude in bed with a return statement, “I don’t feel comfortable nude.”
while babies, grandkids or my other kids present in the house she busy’s herself.
I really feel like saying to her, “you are really sexually boring and leave me feeling sexually unsatisfied.”
For what purpose or solution will that statement make? Or is it like one of those things you want to say, but never say?
That’s a foolish way to say things. Rather than pointing a finger at her and casting blame and shame, which is NEVER received well, no matter who it is. Be vulnerable and actually share what her actions and choices make you feel (find a list if “soul words” and use them.) “When [this] happens, it makes me feel [unwanted, rejected, abandoned, etc].” “When you do [this positive thing], it makes me feel [loved, respected, accepted, wanted, courageous, etc.].”
CJ, from everything you’ve shared, your wife treats you with contempt, disdain, disrespect and like a child…and from what I’ve read, you let her do so without challenge. The two of you don’t connect emotionally or spiritually. Why would your wife want to make love to someone she doesn’t respect? Why would she want to make love to someone she treats like a child and by all accounts, acts like she’s better than and superior to you?
Not to lay all the onus on her, you don’t respect yourself, so why should she?
CJ, you are loved by your Heavenly Father. You are His creation. You’ve had some difficult setbacks, made some poor choices, and you have a gruff personality. Ok, that doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an inferior being and spouse by the woman who said she would forsake all others and cherish you till death parts you. Nothing is gonna change in your marriage without going through a “tunnel of chaos”. It won’t be easy BUT if you will learn to love and respect yourself and then with humility except and “demand” that your wife does by setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
Remember how much you loved her when you first got married. Several days, come up to her and give her a hug. Kiss her lips. Kiss her face. Think of some nice things about her and say, “I’m glad I married you because…..” and fill in the blank with something you genuinely and honestly think. Do that several times a day with sincere honesty.
Then have a talk with her about how you want to be in love like (I’m assuming here) when you first got married. Back then (I’m assuming here) you wanted to please each other all the time. Ask her what she is missing in the marriage or what she would like you to do differently to please her. Listen to her and take it seriously. If she doesn’t ask you the same, you can point out that you would like her to really put her heart into the marriage. If she asks how, you can bring up the sex topic– that you want to put her heart into it more. If it’s true, you can tell her you feel loved through sexual attention (it’s true for me, maybe not everyone.) Tell her you want her to devote time and effort and have physically intimate time together. You understand if there are some physical issues, but ask for the physical contact and some kind of attention.
What can you do with her physical problems? I don’t know if it is arthritis or overwork, but my wife, in her 40’s, gets sore joints in her hands at times, so I can relate about the hand jobs. She gets ‘worn out’ vaginally before I do penilely sometimes, too. So to a mild degree, I can relate. I suppose you could get a masturbation sleeve and ask for some naked hugging followed by the sleeve, for OS— but that’s a big deal for some women. Another thing you might try is thigh sex.
You both get naked. Lube her thighs and spoon her, lay on top. Stand on the edge of the bed. Lubed up, it doesn’t feel bad. Actually, the man standing her laying on her side may feel the best if you are going to do that to completion. On the occasions I do this, I like to do it in a position that is similar to a rear entry position on the side. The stimulation feels better a little lower down on the thigh. But usually I’ll do it really close to her vagina. Whether there is public hair or panties, they are a little rough and it doesn’t feel as good as lubed skin. But I like to rub some with my penis against her vulva because there is a very good chance she will decide that maybe she wants to have intercourse after all. But if she has vaginismus, actual thigh sex may relieve you and provide that skin-to-skin intimacy you crave. You could also talk about your desire to see her orgasm, and you could play with her from time to time, trying to get her to accept sexual stimulation. That might help, psychologically, if the vaginismus is psychological. Having your finger in her might help. You could also try insert small dildos getting larger over time if she lets you play with her.
remember, every answer she has is directed at me as a psychosis related false accusation. I kid you not! last year she said I was calling our autistic son derogatory names which was very untrue. She would not have it and said I was lying. So I went to the other kids who are teens and adults and they all denied I did such a thing and actually they said he was the one calling people names, repeatedly! She had no choice but to stand down on that accusation.
Other times she says I had not kissed her in 3 days. Also not true. But then she said it wasn’t memorable…
This is a sort of vent.
However, Its not healthy. I am not the “prince” she should have married. No matter how much I try to re-paint myself, I simply am not a great provider. And really, I have no job at all right now. How do you get your wife to see a great man when I am not a great man? I am on welfare. its the worst of husbands let alone a cheating one which I never was.
I am a glorified babysitter/maintenance errand boy. Such a turn on? No.
done with my vent.
Vaginismus pain at her age? I thought that was something a minority women got when they first started having sex. Have you seen a doctor about it? Was there an injury? Something psychologically? I hear that can be quite painful. I think doctors or therapists will give out tiny dildos working up to larger ones to get her ready. Do you have a set of those? Maybe you can play with her that way. If you could find someone on the Internet who recommends a frequency for it (several times a week for example), if she starts to improve, you can insist on inserting the dildos, and after all that attention, she might want to have sex.
A while back, my wife had a pain,briefly, for a day or two, and I looked up a do it yourself physical therapy thing for women with pain down there. There is a technique that involves either a woman using this little ball on a stick thing or a partner’s finger. That you do with a vagina is start at six o’clock and press with a finger firmly, but not enough to hurt, about half an inch (or maybe it was an inch) in. You rotate around to 5 o’clock, rotating around the vagina looking for pain. It says to avoid the 11 to 1 o’clock area where the G-spot is for this activity. You do the same thing going a half inch (or maybe it was an inch) deeper and rotate that way. If you find a tender spot, you can go between 5 and 6 for example, and find the sore spot at 5:15 and just press until muscles relax, not too hard. You could look up this sort of stuff online and share it with her. It didn’t say it was for vaginismus, so whether it is appropriate is something you could look into.
The article contained a near identical technique for rectal pain, skipping over 5 to 7 o’clock instead of 11 to 1.
You could also tell her about it, omit the part about not pressing the G-spot area, and focus a little attention there when she gets relaxed down there. You might want to offer her some ‘therapy’without any obligation for intercourse at least sometimes so she won’t think of it just as a seduction technique. But if you need to, you could also use it as a ‘seduction’ technique. (Not technically seduction since you are married.)
Throwing books away because they are on the table? You should confront her on that and draw a line in the sand. That’s destructive behavior. Is she OCD? I have gotten on my wife’s case for throwing stuff away, but usually it is not checking through the trash and saving screws, caps, little pieces that fall off of electronics that she probably doesn’t notice. She hasn’t thrown a book away because it was left on the dinner table that I know of. That’s a bit extreme.