How do I talk to my wife about sex?
I am not happy with my sex life with my wife.
I do not know how to talk to her about this without one or both of us getting upset.
Do you all have any advice.
If you aren’t already doing this, I recommend you pray about this matter. We can’t change other people. But, as we pray God can work in us and even through us. And if your wife is open to Him, she can grow too. And be able to deal with issues that might be thwarting God’s best for you in your marriage bed.
Also, make sure to focus on your relationship with your DW. Seek to meet her needs. Show her that you are there for her – not just to get what you happen to want.
With God’s help, do all you can to be more loveable. We often expect our spouse to overlook, get over, be gracious, etc. when we actually should take it upon ourselves to be the best spouse possible.
Commit yourself to being faithful to God and your spouse, even if you don’t see the progress you’d like to see.
Lastly, be wise and strategic in picking the best time for her, to bring up your sex life (when she is rested, feeling comfortable, your relationship is going smoothly, she doesn’t have distractions or worries, etc.). Likely it is better to move slowly and consecutively to deeper topics – unless there seems to be a “breakthrough” and a particular time seems to be the right time to go deep. Celebrate each step and remain positive in your own mind but also toward her and any progress she makes in opening up about your sex life as a couple.
Try to be positive. The attitude you want is one of “how do we make what we’ve got better?” rather than “you’re doing it wrong, this is how you should be doing it instead”.
Also, don’t try to rush things. Change things by degrees, starting with small changes.
IN ADDITION to what others have said, you might try focusing on “pleasure” rather than “sex” the next time you (from your other thread) “ask for intercourse”. See if you can get her to just let you hold her for a while and find some little movement, a caress of your thumb on her cheek for example, that feels good to her. Even if it doesn’t feel good in a sexual way, as long as it is pleasant. Then find another. Then, as you find more and more ways to just make her feel good, very very gradually allow some of those things to tip into the sexual realm and bridge the gap between your “normal intercourse” and the other things you want to try. For example, if she becomes accustomed to your tender kisses and occasional licks (not all sloppy and gross, just like little laps of a kitten’s tongue) she may relax as you do so closer and closer to her center core, and eventually actually want you to put your mouth on her there. Just keep focusing on making her feel good and telling her how much you love to make her feel good ( because you love her) and maybe she will begin to want more. Whenever she does express her feelings about sex or anything else, be sure to snap to attention and let her know you have heard her, which will encourage her to share more.
You could treat it a bit like a new romance, where you are wooing her to allow you more and more liberties, which she will only grant when you have convinced her body she wants to allow them, in spite of what her brain might be telling her. In other words, if she has been raised to be overly puritan-minded about sex, be the rake and sweep her off her feet. There’s a reason reformed rakes are so often the hero in romance novels. Women like to be wooed, won, and cherished like the greatest treasure.
But I suggest this only WITH prayer and genuine effort at conversation, not instead of.
Prayer…conversations to connect emotionally…conversations of your feelings about sex and trying to connect emotionally. If it’s about sex she’ll probably shut down. If it’s about feelings and trying to connect, she would hopefully open up more, but if it’s sex act driven, I would guess with her upbringing, it won’t go well. She’ll need to feel pursued rather than goal-driven about the sex.
If she won’t open up about her feelings on this, or other issues, then you really have a deeper marriage problem, not a sex problem . If that won’t work or doesn’t work well….or you need a breakthrough, I’d strongly suggest a well-respected Christian counselor.
I am sure there are other resources out there, but for less than $10, there’s a chapter in the book I will share below, that tells you step by step how to communicate through conflict-resolution. This would teach you “how to fish”, proverbially speaking.
(Sorry, when posting from my phone, I can’t do live links.)
You have to take the high road of not allowing yourself to get upset and lose focus, this isn’t easy, but during the conversation you may have to keep reminding yourself that your goal is to work through this, not be offended and so on.
Reading your other thread I get the feeling that she has had bad teaching which may be pushing her into the place she is. For example, she may think oral sex is bad, but it is in the Song of Songs.
I think the how do talk with her question is best answered with patience, focus, not getting angry easily, and persistence. Start with one thing and tell her you would like to work on making progress in the one thing, occasionally, that is better than trying to hit her with a million things all at once. Try to get her to talk about why she feels the way she does about a certain act for example.
How do you talk about anything? Do you communicate well about other difficult topics? Finances, family, discipline for your children. How well do y’all communicate about those types of topics, and in what way do you communicate with her? If you communicate well about those things, sex is that same kind of topic.
So this had been weighing on me lately, but I was reminded of it by another thread just now and wanted to ask here:
- Does your DW actually enjoy sex when it happens?
- Do she feel real sexual pleasure (while not a perfect measure, does she orgasm at least some of the time)?
- Does you work to make sure its good for her?
I apologize if these were answered in your previous thread, as it’s been a few days since I read it (but I don’t remember seeing these answered).