How do you characterize “spontaneous” sex?

    simple question brought about by the QOTD.

    Here’s my definition – more of what it is NOT: Not planned, not predetermined, not expected, not conditioned or conditional. It IS “organic” arising out of desire on either or both parties. It overlooks barriers and just happens, seeming somewhat uncontrollable.

    I have heard the term “planned spontaneity”. I understand what it’s referring to and the purpose of it. I have tried that over and over and it never works. YMMV. I also understand that with familiarity, true spontaneity will wane.

     

    Blanket on a secluded beach! Asked on August 17, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.

    I’ll add that I also realize some may just not be capable of spontaneity as I describe – or think they are incapable of such.  I understand there can be physical barriers to it as well, like ED that requires medication or just prolonged workup to perform. All reasons I think this type things naturally wanes as we get older, but as seen below, age is not always a barrier. HOORAH eldorado! You may indeed be the golden boy!

    on August 17, 2020.
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    13 Answer(s)

      @Tabitha, seasons in our lives definitely can affect things. But, I have found we get to choose our priorities, we can choose our attitudes, and we get to choose how intentional we will be to keep a healthy sex life and a healthy marriage.

      My intentional “spontaneity” started after being married 18 years, and we are just hitting 26 years. In all those years, our 4 children were 8 yrs old through 21yo, with some toddler/infant grandchildren now in the mix…. leaving us with a current household of 9 people. I am pretty sure if we can do it, just about anyone can do it.

      Under the stars Answered on August 17, 2020.
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        For us, I think it’s sex outside of the norm. There’s some level of expectancy, at least by one of us. There may even be some level of planning, by one of us.

        I often “plan” things that will be spontaneous to my husband, whether it’s OS as he works, going down on him in the shower, pulling over and having sex in a parking lot, or just an afternoon delight when he’s home for lunch. It doesn’t fit your definition, because I am being intentional and “planning”, but that’s as spontaneous as we get, and it definitely fills his love and spontaneous tank. 🙂

        Under the stars Answered on August 17, 2020.

        You bring out a point that might be missed – your planning is focused around what you know your husband likes, and when, and where most likely. That makes it pleasing to him. I’m sure your preferences are taken into consideration in as much as you do what you are comfortable with. But those things may or man not exactly be your first choices for sex in general, yet it is a planned gift to your DH, and so it feels spontaneous, and wonderful, to him. You spoke well by saying you are keeping his “tank full.” In that case, spontaneity takes some effort. Good on you!

        on August 17, 2020.
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          That would be her asking me for a back rub while canning tomatos and when Im done with her back I move to the front and the tomatos are put on hold for awile.I am 71 and it never gets old.

          Double bed Answered on August 17, 2020.
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            Anything beyond bedtime sex I consider spontaneous. Although I love SC’s ideas of planned spontaneity! I wish someone would share those with my wife. 😁

            Fell out of ... Answered on August 17, 2020.
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              @Brynna, I don’t like surprises (spontaneity) because it’s hard for my mind to switch gears and focus, and therefore to “get in the mood” that quickly. That’s why the vast majority of our spontaneity is really planned intentionality on my part. It’s a win-win…I know what to expect and have a chance to be prepared, and he gets surprises and gets that spontaneous sex he likely desires…I probably don’t do it often enough.

              Under the stars Answered on August 17, 2020.

              “win-win” – gotta love those! Probably none of us seek those often enough.

              on August 17, 2020.

              I could add, that when he wants to be “spontaneous” it works best if we have some kind of perimeters around it… which might seem like it defeats the whole thing.  But, we make it work.  An example of this is the “play/experimental time” I shared about here  ( https://qna.themarriagebed.com/question/does-or-has-anyone-else-done-what-we-call-exploration-or-play-time/ ).

              In this setting, he has the “freedom” to follow his desires, but I have gone in with the mindset to let him do so, and to have the attitude to just “go with the flow”.  It’s not just spontaneously popped on me, which we have learned from experience, that never goes well.   It’s where I have to go in expecting to have no expectations.

              This is really all about compromising and learning how to make things work for each individual couple.

              on August 17, 2020.

              I still think the linked thread and what it represents makes you a goddess among wives even if you don’t realize/admit it. We’re talking top 5% for sure, maybe top 1% or 0.1%. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of other wives being so open/vulnerable/willing.

              It’s amazing, and I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for it, even if it’s not on the table currently!

              -Scott

              on August 17, 2020.

              Thanks @Scott, I definitely don’t think of myself that way, I know the struggles I have.  I know the mental battles I fight.  I see how far I have to go, and the “more” I can do or be.  For example, I never will be that spontaneous personality that this thread is speaking of.  I am asking the Lord right now if there’s anything He is trying to speak to me in your words, so that I don’t so easily dismiss them, which is my nature.

              on August 17, 2020.

              I think just reading the answers you got on the original thread can confirm my opinion. And remember that most of the women on TMB are high drive!

              I’ve read a fair chunk of forums, including some secular, on sex, and the only thing that seems to compare to what you do in the link and the magnitude (“Olympic”) of it are girls that get into some extreme kinky stuff in dating relationships and let their boyfriends have their way with them. Yeah…those girls don’t normally end up nearly as willing once married, as it was mostly just a way to “win” their guy. 🙁

              -Scott

              on August 17, 2020.
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                I’m not so against one party putting some thought into something that will seem totally spontaneous to the other. In fact, that may not be avoidable much of the time in the search for spontaneity. Some thought most always precedes any act. So I suppose as long as one side perceives spontaneity, then it was. Perhaps for “ol’ married folk”, some form of “planned spontaneity” is 9/10 times what you get, and that’s fine. Or could it be that after years of walking around rejection landmines, true spontaneity just dies and gets replaced? Both could be true.

                I was having a similar conversation with the wife Saturday. I shared that I find myself feeling spontaneous from time to time still, but the first thoughts that always accompany it are the instant barriers and reasons why it will be a disaster if I were to act upon it. Then, when I take a step back and try to “plan some spontaneity”, as SC suggested, almost invariably something falls in the way. Often that is some initial reaction from her, but not always. Sometimes it’s just life happening. But it still serves to beat down the desire to be spontaneous, and adds to the overall sexual pursuit negatives column.

                I know there are those who are proponents of planning all sex, some right down to putting it on the calendar with a time stamp. I can see the value in that some of the time. For me, it puts sex in a whole other category that is not all that pleasing to me. I plan my chores, I plan my work, I plan my doctor’s visits, etc, etc. I don’t want to plan my sex life too. Not entirely.

                Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 17, 2020.
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                  It seems clear that “spontaneous” sex can either mean (A)  mutually unplanned and suddenly initiated by both spouses, or (B) where one spouse does at least some planning and initating. It’s also clear that spouses will often differ in their desire and appreciation for spontaneity.

                  Context is important as always. On the _extremely_ rare occasions that my wife has initiated sex spontaneously without warning, I have sometimes had difficulty responding because it’s so completely unexpected and I assume I must be misunderstanding her. It can quickly burst the bubble.

                  Queen bed Answered on August 17, 2020.

                  BTDT

                  on August 17, 2020.

                  To be fair, that has happened a few time with us, and I’ve been upfront about the idea being enjoyable but needing a bit of time for the pseudo-responsive desire to kick in. Those times actually panned out!

                  -Scott

                  on August 17, 2020.
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                    Is a morning quickie spontaneous sex?

                    Under the stars Answered on August 17, 2020.

                    I’d say so

                    on August 17, 2020.
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                      Spontaneous means just that, not planned. It would be having sex on a different night, than scheduled, because one of us really wanted it. Yes, we have scheduled sex. DH always thought it should be spontaneous, but it wasn’t happening much, so we tried the scheduling thing. Maybe someday, when we are empty nesters, or close to it, there will be more spontaneity. For myself, I prefer to know ahead of time that DH wants it. I don’t like being disturbed at my work very much, because its very hard to get my mind into sex than!

                      Under the stars Answered on August 17, 2020.

                      How difficult do you think it would be to take your statement “For myself, I prefer to know ahead of time that DH wants it.” and use that knowledge that you know he wants it, to move toward being more open to planning spontaneity along the lines of what SC described? I mean, if you know he wants it, and you know he would prefer something more spontaneous, then what keeps you from working toward that?  You can do it at times that work better for you, but it doesn’t have to at the preset “best” times. Is is just because you don’t think about it? (not casting stones here, just exploring thoughts)

                      on August 17, 2020.

                      Good thoughts, LBD. I’ll think on it.

                      on August 17, 2020.
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                        I remember when we were younger there were a few spontaneous times when we found ourselves alone with time on our hands. Once the kids come along and job responsibilities eat up our time and energy the idea of having spontaneous sex becomes more of a pressure than a pleasure. We have found planning possible days for sex is a way more feasible solution. I would hate for anyone to feel like spontaneous sex is a normal thing in today’s culture, especially if you have been married for twenty years.

                        Queen bed Answered on August 17, 2020.

                        We’ve been married 20 years this winter. We have 4 kids, all teenagers, plus we currently live with DW parents. I would define “spontaneous” as simply unexpected – whether for one or both of us. Using that definition, I’d say that we are probably having sex spontaneously at least 50% of the time. I feel like spontaneity is normal and healthy and fun, and my wife agrees. Why do you feel like we are abnormal for that?
                        Again, I feel like saying so many things to you but I will try to stay charitable. You, of course, need to do what is right for your relationship, and I for mine. My wife and I have decided that the closeness and bond of sexual intimacy is one of the major aspects sets our relationship apart from being just great friends that live together. Given how important we have made that part of our relationship, we make it a priority. I really take umbrage with you insinuating that couples who have regular, even spontaneous sex are abnormal. This is not the first time you’ve made such a statement and it is just offensive.

                        on August 18, 2020.

                        I did not mean to be offensive, it just sounds like you live in a different set of circumstances than we do. We do have spontaneous shows of affection.

                        It is sort of like I might spontaneously go for a jog, but I will not spontaneously go for a marathon run. I think spontaneous affection is normal, but considering how many things have to fall into place for sex to work it is unusual for all those different variables to just spontaneously line up. Without planning sex is not something which we have the time or energy for, it has to be planned like one would do to train for a marathon.

                        Perhaps with different circumstances it would be normal for us too, but we can’t change our circumstances.

                         

                        on August 20, 2020.
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