How do you characterize “spontaneous” sex?
simple question brought about by the QOTD.
Here’s my definition – more of what it is NOT: Not planned, not predetermined, not expected, not conditioned or conditional. It IS “organic” arising out of desire on either or both parties. It overlooks barriers and just happens, seeming somewhat uncontrollable.
I have heard the term “planned spontaneity”. I understand what it’s referring to and the purpose of it. I have tried that over and over and it never works. YMMV. I also understand that with familiarity, true spontaneity will wane.
@Tabitha, seasons in our lives definitely can affect things. But, I have found we get to choose our priorities, we can choose our attitudes, and we get to choose how intentional we will be to keep a healthy sex life and a healthy marriage.
My intentional “spontaneity” started after being married 18 years, and we are just hitting 26 years. In all those years, our 4 children were 8 yrs old through 21yo, with some toddler/infant grandchildren now in the mix…. leaving us with a current household of 9 people. I am pretty sure if we can do it, just about anyone can do it.
For us, I think it’s sex outside of the norm. There’s some level of expectancy, at least by one of us. There may even be some level of planning, by one of us.
I often “plan” things that will be spontaneous to my husband, whether it’s OS as he works, going down on him in the shower, pulling over and having sex in a parking lot, or just an afternoon delight when he’s home for lunch. It doesn’t fit your definition, because I am being intentional and “planning”, but that’s as spontaneous as we get, and it definitely fills his love and spontaneous tank. 🙂
@Brynna, I don’t like surprises (spontaneity) because it’s hard for my mind to switch gears and focus, and therefore to “get in the mood” that quickly. That’s why the vast majority of our spontaneity is really planned intentionality on my part. It’s a win-win…I know what to expect and have a chance to be prepared, and he gets surprises and gets that spontaneous sex he likely desires…I probably don’t do it often enough.
I’m not so against one party putting some thought into something that will seem totally spontaneous to the other. In fact, that may not be avoidable much of the time in the search for spontaneity. Some thought most always precedes any act. So I suppose as long as one side perceives spontaneity, then it was. Perhaps for “ol’ married folk”, some form of “planned spontaneity” is 9/10 times what you get, and that’s fine. Or could it be that after years of walking around rejection landmines, true spontaneity just dies and gets replaced? Both could be true.
I was having a similar conversation with the wife Saturday. I shared that I find myself feeling spontaneous from time to time still, but the first thoughts that always accompany it are the instant barriers and reasons why it will be a disaster if I were to act upon it. Then, when I take a step back and try to “plan some spontaneity”, as SC suggested, almost invariably something falls in the way. Often that is some initial reaction from her, but not always. Sometimes it’s just life happening. But it still serves to beat down the desire to be spontaneous, and adds to the overall sexual pursuit negatives column.
I know there are those who are proponents of planning all sex, some right down to putting it on the calendar with a time stamp. I can see the value in that some of the time. For me, it puts sex in a whole other category that is not all that pleasing to me. I plan my chores, I plan my work, I plan my doctor’s visits, etc, etc. I don’t want to plan my sex life too. Not entirely.
It seems clear that “spontaneous” sex can either mean (A) mutually unplanned and suddenly initiated by both spouses, or (B) where one spouse does at least some planning and initating. It’s also clear that spouses will often differ in their desire and appreciation for spontaneity.
Context is important as always. On the _extremely_ rare occasions that my wife has initiated sex spontaneously without warning, I have sometimes had difficulty responding because it’s so completely unexpected and I assume I must be misunderstanding her. It can quickly burst the bubble.
Spontaneous means just that, not planned. It would be having sex on a different night, than scheduled, because one of us really wanted it. Yes, we have scheduled sex. DH always thought it should be spontaneous, but it wasn’t happening much, so we tried the scheduling thing. Maybe someday, when we are empty nesters, or close to it, there will be more spontaneity. For myself, I prefer to know ahead of time that DH wants it. I don’t like being disturbed at my work very much, because its very hard to get my mind into sex than!
I remember when we were younger there were a few spontaneous times when we found ourselves alone with time on our hands. Once the kids come along and job responsibilities eat up our time and energy the idea of having spontaneous sex becomes more of a pressure than a pleasure. We have found planning possible days for sex is a way more feasible solution. I would hate for anyone to feel like spontaneous sex is a normal thing in today’s culture, especially if you have been married for twenty years.