How do you maintain your sex life through stressful situations?
We are going through some stressful times. Specifically, 2 different situations causing great stress. They are both stressful to both of us, yet DH is affected by one more than the other, and the other is greatly affecting me. We are not even able to relax enough to make love, and its been a week since we last did. DH wouldn’t be able to even get an erection and I can’t relax enough to even think about it. One situation is one of our teens making some bad choices. How do the rest of you cope during seasons of stress, child rearing, making a living, etc? I know I don’t trust God like I should, and maybe someone has advice for that too. I am a Christian, but have always stuggled with really trusting God. (Likely stems from a very harsh earthly father)
Teens will suck the life out of your sex life without even knowing they are doing it! LOL When a toddler or even a preteen makes a bad choice, it may cause some minor disruption, but usually isn’t a life or death thing (there are exceptions of course, but just generally speaking). However, a teenager is an entirely different animal! Now all of a sudden, they are in a time of life where the choices they make can have lifelong consequences. One stupid or impulsive act can scar them and all around them for years. Because the stakes are higher, the parent of a teenager is often in a very real fight to keep their child safe while still trying to figure out how to let go.
All of that (and so much more in a teenager’s life) can severely disrupt the parents’ marriage relationship, especially their sex life. I tell parents often that they must guard their marriage even more when their kids become teens. And of course, that means guarding your marriage bed as well! Even though it’s tough, I’d really encourage you to carve out some time to reconnect sexually. The quality of the actual sex may not be what you are used to, but just the fact that you are making an effort to get away from the stress and rediscover each other for a little bit will pay dividends you can’t imagine!
Bottom line: don’t let your kids rule or ruin your sex life. The stronger your relationship stays during this stressful time, the better you will be able to handle the challenges the kids will throw at you.
Sorry to hear that things are so stressful. I’m sending up prayers for you.
Usually just making it a priority is sufficient, but in your case, the stress has sucked everything out of you both. So, keep on praying and asking God for wisdom, grace, peace, and endurance. And place your stressors in God’s hands – over and over again.
Is it possible to go for a long walk, holding hands and just talking or even just being quiet with each other?
Or, cuddle and give each other a massage and if something sexual comes out of it, let it happen. Or just be playful with each other in your bedroom without the intent or pressure of Oing.
Remember that when David had mourned a week for his dying child that he then rose and cleaned himself up, worshiped the Lord and then ate. After that he took his wife and had sexual relations with her, 2 Sam. 12:24. There is a time for everything in its place.
Our lives have been intense stress for about the last 4 years, with few respites. Eventually the physical need for sex and the need for the emotional bonding just overpowers the stress. I wish I had a better answer than that, but I dont right now. Aside from praying for the situations to improve, there’s not much you can actually do about a lot of the things that cause stress, and God likes to REALLY take His time before answering “OK” on a lot of this stuff.
I want you to know that we (my DW and I are praying for you). I want to share some of our experiences in order to be a testimony to you of God’s faithfulness.
- Once, very early in our marriage, I lost my job and it felt like my world came to an end. During that time, I remember my DW and I were talking with a Christian couple. They were a bit older than us and they encouraged us to go home and have sex and enjoy the peace that follows. We thought, at the time, they were crazy. But, we followed their advise and it was extremely helpful. It was a great way to relieve the tension.
- After we were married 12 years our 4th son died. He was a baby. This was and is the most difficult time of our life. We came home from the funeral with 3 little kids and life had to go on. Yet, we were both devastated! My DW said to me, “We can be bitter, or we can be better”. She said that we need to NOT turn away from each other but turn toward each other. We fell into each other arms and our LM took on a very helpful emotional quality that cemented is together us as a couple. We went on to have 3 more kids. Yes, we’ve raised 6 kids and have a beautiful baby boy in heaven.
- About 10 years ago, our family business went through a very difficult time and we nearly failed. It was an extremely stressful time. I was heading toward a major breakdown and depression set in. My DW rose to the occasion and became an amazing help to me. During that time, she made me feel like a MAN. She prayed for me openly, she sang worship songs to me over the phone while I was driving places, she encouraged me regularly and she desired me sexually. I mean she outdid herself. We walked through this for several years. And, I am happy to tell you God is faithful. Our business came back. The last several years it has grown 200%. 4 of my 6 kids work for us. We have 48 employees and we are still growing.
I’m sharing this to say that pressure and stress are real. While in it, you think there is no end. But, God is a God of hope. He provides a way of escape. My DW has a saying she likes to say after we have sex and lay in each other’s arms. She says, “All is right with the world!” I couldn’t agree more. Our marriage is a touch point of grace in our lives. It’s where God spiritually ministers to us His grace which is sufficient. We had many more tough situations in our 38 years. I’ll save those stories for another time. But, in all things God has been faithful and the physical union of 2 bodies has been the help we needed many many times.
I wholeheartedly agree with One Woman Man. Don’t add more stress to your life by feeling like you HAVE to have sex. Just spend time alone together doing whatever it is that you both enjoy (walk/hike, going out to eat, etc.) When I’ve been burdened by a lot of stress, just telling DH my feelings and having a good cry while he comforted me was the best medicine and would sometimes lead to sex, but not always.
I’ve found that sharing my problems with a few close Christian friends who were praying for the situation helped me tremendously and was like sharing the burden so that I didn’t feel alone. They would text me on a regular basis to let me know that they were still praying and would ask for updates. It felt good to know that I had some prayer warriors on my side.
Thank you all for sharing. They are all good thoughts and ideas and we will definitely benefit from them. Its nice to know that we are not alone in this battle of life, and it really does help to share with you all and hear different from different ones who have been there. BTW, our difficult teen texted me about something and than said I love you. Very rare coming from that child! Thanks for the prayers. All of us who are raising children in this world today really need all the prayers we can get.
One way I maintain sex through my stressful times is I go into what I call “maintenance mode”. It’s when energy and investment is dropped down to the minimum. It’s where all I can do is lovingly offer myself, but he needs not to expect much more from me.
For my husband, me initiating sex and other sexual things, helps him through his stress and gets his mind off of it…it’s a stress-reliever for him.
DW and I are in the midst of having to deal with aging parents, as well as dealing with all the issues that come with one teenager in high school and two children in college. No matter what is going on, we have a scheduled sexual encounter Saturday morning. If we are both up for it, we also try for once encounter during the week that consists of either PIV or at a minimum ‘sexual cuddling’ either in bed, the shower, etc.