How do you take turns in the bedroom?
Do you take turns pleasing each other during foreplay or are you engaged in giving and receiving actions at the same time? Also, do you take turns to orgasm (one orgasms first) or pursue something closer to simultaneous orgasm? Does your arousal build when “giving” even though you are focused on your spouse? Are you able to fully receive pleasure without also giving?
For several years when I didn’t really understand my body or prioritize my pleasure because of negative mindsets, I was just focused on doing what I knew my husband liked. I measured how well I was doing by how he responded and if arousal/orgasm happened for me, it was just kind of a bonus. Now that I am embracing my sexuality and truths about intimacy, I still struggle with my mindset focus, especially during foreplay. I know that in order for me to prioritize arousal/orgasm, it helps to focus on what I’m feeling and receiving. Since my sexual response is slow right now because of hormones, it’s easier to do this without having to also give at the same time. I know now that this isn’t necessarily selfish, but it still feels a little that way. I don’t know how long I should focus on myself, how long to focus on him, how long to do simultaneous actions, etc. It would almost be easier if my husband said “Hey, tonight we’re going to start with you tonight. I don’t want you to worry about me until x number of minutes (or orgasm or something else)” I guess trying to receive doesn’t feel that natural yet and sometimes it seems at odds with my idea of intimacy. It seems strange to focus on my own to build arousal instead of always thinking about his enjoyment. Has anyone else felt like this?
DW and I are definitely turn takers. Its much easier to keep the mind focused on one thing at a time and it makes it much easier for DW to enjoy sex.
A good rule of thumb is to focus on your own arousal and pleasure until you have O’ed. Then once you are satisfied you can focus on stimulating your husband. If you feel that he is getting left out remind yourself:
1. Giving is incredibly pleasurable for husbands. The act of giving sexual pleasure to my spouse is very rewarding for me and it is in no way a burden.
2. That you are going to rock his world in just a minute. Resolve to be enthusiastic and passionate during his turn. This also builds anticipation in your husband which leads to even more enjoyable sex.
Typically, we will start with mild to medium foreplay of each other at same time …. especially edging DH. He does not last that long, so after he gets close and is edged 3-5 times, it’s my turn. We pull out one of my toys and don’t stop until 3-5 orgasms later. During all that, sometimes we don’t let hubby touch himself, other times he will to give me a show, and tease himself. Once I’m done, then it’s his turn and I take care of him. We have done it this way for years and works well for our situation. Guess bottom line is get naked, aroused and then talk about it!
My wife has difficulty in achieving orgasm and we have developed the following pattern when we plan on PIV.
We start by cuddling together, either both of us naked or her wearing something sexy. During this time, we pleasure one another. Usually, I gently tickle her back, butt and she will do the same to me or stimulate my genitals. When we have done this for however long we desire, my wife turns face down on top of her wand toy. During this part of our love making, the focus is entirely on her since she cannot orgasm without concentrating on what the wand is doing to her genitals. During this time, I lie next to her on her left side, and use my right hand to tickle her back, or massage her butt, or provide additional stimulation to her genitals. She especially likes it when I provide her with a deep massage to her butt. During this time, her left hand cradles my genitals, which provides me with plenty of pleasure while she is concentration on herself. (This part of our routine may have to change. She is experiencing arthritis, and we may have to use a masturbation sleeve on me during this time instead of her hand). In any event, during this time of our love making, the focus is primarily on my DW as she attempts to have an orgasm via her wand. In answer to your question, I indeed have pleasure event though I am mainly giving at this point. After she has had her orgasm, we proceed to PIV.
To summarize, in our case DW cannot really orgasm unless she is focused on her pleasure. I have absolutely no problem with this, because my deepest wish is that she have the best orgasm possible, and I find that I get intense pleasure during that time when I am providing additional stimulation by massaging her butt, back, etc.
Uhm….the answer is “yes”. We really do it all and various ways so it really depends on time of day, where we are starting, whose initiating, how much time we have. Etc. We could take turns and we also do giving and receiving. It can also depend on my wife’s mood/hormones. I will say that if we are mutually stimulating and my wife is reaching the point of orgasm, she won’t be able to continue pleasuring me unless we’re just going for simultaneous orgasms manually. Usually it’s back and forth play taking turns giving and receiving with DW coming first and then desiring me inside of her to finish with PIV.
Why not try different thing? It seems to me you just need to acknowledge your desires and “practice” till you find a mutually satisfying pace and rhythm for making love via different acts and knowing how your body and mind operates. Sometimes DW is tanked and thinks she won’t be able to orgasm but as we go along, her responsive desire amps up or she gets so turned on by making me so aroused that she is desirous and able to feel her body respond and asks me to continue OR even after foreplay and PIV, she’ll decide that she’s ready to keep going.
Tell your spouse what you want in the bedroom. . Talk about sex, desires and experimenting over a meal and not in the act so there’s more freedom to try later and not potentially kill the mood. Sometimes we set goals for the bedroom standing in the kitchen. The point is to try and enjoy the journey together discovering how your bodies and minds work. Have a discovery day with just focusing on each other separately for 30 minutes. How do they respond to certainly stimulus? Change things up. Try new things? Watch their response & ask for feedback. Then make love or change giving and receiving. Make a bet about who can last longer and stimulate each other or watch each other masterbate. Again, it’s not about the O, it’s about the journey you and your partner are on together for life with God’s blessing.
Our normal practice is for me to manually stimulate my DW for a 5-10 minutes, talking as we go about pretty much anything and everything, except, of course, anything that would be a mood killer. When she’s read for me to enter, then she will stimulate me by hand while applying coconut oil, which is what we use for lube. Depending on how I’m feeling, I may already be fairly hard before she applies her hand, but in any case, she will manually stimulate me until I’m hard enough for PIV. This normally takes about a minute, and since it takes much less time than getting her ready and also since I don’t want to have an erection for a long time before sex that I might lose and have to regain, it does seem to work best for me to go second, right before PIV. We tend to either do missionary or woman-on-top. She almost never has an O from intercourse alone, so after I come I’ll stay inside and she’ll grab her vibrator and use it with me still inside until she comes. Admittedly, we’re a bit vanilla when it comes to sex and yet we both seem happy with that. I do, however, make a point of regularly asking her if she has new ideas either for foreplay or sex itself.
We have always been me first although sometimes depending on position i can stimulate him with my hands but since he especially prioritizes my orgasm first and i haven’t orgasmed from PIV for years and he has always been more than happy to do things this way. Afterward i always give him OS, it used to be at least 1/2 the time to completion (he does have ED) until i told him i would like much more PIV than to have him finish in my mouth most of the time. Thankfully he is a gracious and giving lover and capitulated. He is usually stimulating me as i give him OS but it does nothing as i’m usually a one and done.
That’s easy. The dw doesn’t do much in the way of foreplay. It’s more along the lines of let’s get this done. I’m the one that likes to do foreplay and enjoy our time together, it’s the getting dw to relax and try to enjoy the time we have together and be an active participant. It’s almost like it’s a one-sided relationship unless it is hugs and kisses…then it’s two-sided. It’s just the sex deal that’s the real heart breaker for me.
Generally we do a lot of kissing and mutual caressing (not necessarily genitals) at first, sometimes I will give him OS or otherwise tease but with no intention of finishing him at that point, then he settles in to get me as aroused as possible, usually with OS, and eventually he will bring me to several Os with a vibrator. When I have caught my breath, sometimes he needs/wants me to work him up again through OS or other play and sometimes he is ready to go right to PIV. On the other hand, we also mix it up fairly often, too.
nwnl is right; TALK about it with your husband. Chances are, you can make the conversation itself a time of emotional intimacy that will come back to you the next time you approach the physical act.
Also, I have found that if I can focus on how I feel while I am pleasuring him, it does help to heighten my arousal. Try giving him OS and squeeze your PC muscles at the same time or rock your pelvis. If nothing happens, do the same wearing a thong. Anything that draws your attention (and blood flow) to your pelvis while your are pleasuring your DH is good.