How has your sexual repertoire changed during you marriage?
Please consider the sexual “repertoire” presently enjoyed in your marriage bed. How has that changed during your marriage and what drove the change? Are there things that you do today that you wouldn’t have dreamed of doing when you first married? Are there things you no longer do? Do you believe your repertoire will continue to expand or have you found the “sweet spot” that will satisfy you both for the remainder of the years the Lord gives you?
When we were first married our PIV occurred strictly thru missionary position. As our marriage has progressed we’ve experimented and expanded the number of positions we enjoy using. My wife has also become more open to OS, both giving and receiving. The first several years of our marriage she only gave me OS on a couple occasions (I got a birthday and Christmas Eve BJs), and she let me pleasure her even less than that. Now it happens just about every time we ML. We’ve also become more open to experimenting with things we would’ve never considered as young marrieds (toys, AS, and light bondage come to mind), much to our enjoyment.
Our repertoire has changed dramatically since we first had sex almost 40 years ago. For most of our marriage I was very inhibited, shy, self-conscious and repressed. We had frequent sex in lots of different positions (almost always in the dark) but it was never “fun” for me. I was mentally cringing during the whole process. I never had orgasms (too embarrassed to do that in front of my husband).
About 9 years ago I had an awakening, and everything changed for the better. We introduced toys for me, keeping lights on during sex, anal sex, toys for him, and lots of new foreplay activities. I found out he has a “thing” for my feet, and even though they used to be insanely ticklish, he can touch them now and I don’t even flinch. I’m now pretty much comfortable with whatever he wants to do (although I do still feel self-conscious, especially since I’ve gained a fair amount of weight lately). I don’t let my discomfort prevent him from doing what he wants to do though – I just work through it.
Oh – as far as whether it will continue to change/expand, I’m kind of hoping it will – my husband has gotten stuck in a rut with a procedure and position he likes (he says it’s a guaranteed erection for him, and at his age and in his physical condition, those are hard [LOL – pun] to come by so I’ll do whatever it takes). I made myself mentally adapt to this and manage to find it arousing, but quite truthfully I’m getting a little tired of it. I miss some of the stuff we used to do – he doesn’t want to do ANY rear entry positions anymore, and that used to be about 98% of our encounters.
Very good question, makes me think. During our 30 year marriage our marriage bed atmosphere and situation have been up and down. I have made some grave mistakes in our marriage that unfortunately drove my wife and I apart in the past, negatively impacting our sex life. Specifically, for years I was an emotional stuffer, meaning that irritations, disappointments, frustrations and downright anger got crammed down inside me instead of being communicated with my wife ( when appropriate) and worked through. This emotional energy would build to the point of explosion and I would go off like a volcano over something insignificant, causing a big fight, driving us apart and bringing pain and hurt into our marriage. This was a cycle I repeated.
About 8 years ago, God gave me some insight into what I had been doing and He has been able to make some changes in me. I now understand that my wife is not the enemy, that she cares about me and wants the best for me and our relationship. Why I did not think this way in the past I don’t know. Now I am able to see her more as Christ sees the church, and strive more to act in that way. By that I mean that I am more ready to subordinate my wants and needs to what is best for her and for our marriage. Reading the posts from you gals on TMB has given me insight into some of the basic differences between men and women and their thinking patterns and that has been most helpful. As our communication has improved outside the bedroom, it has also improved inside the bedroom ( big surprise, huh ?), and I have gradually been able to more easily voice my desires and feelings with her sexually and she has been able to do the same with me. This has been the most significant and rewarding change for me, has given me a new relationship with her and has given me hope for the future.
On a more practical level, as we have both gotten older and a little heavier we are not as flexible as in the past and our positions are pretty much limited to missionary and rear entry. We both loved her on top in the past but that hasn’t happened in quite a while. OS to completion for me was taken off the menu several years ago. It never happened nearly as often as I would have liked, but now she says my semen should be deposited in only one place, in her vagina, and I am OK with that, of course, but like many guys I yearn for more variety. This makes me a little sad, but I still bring it up about twice a year and believe that it may be re-introduced to the menu at some point in the future when I least expect it. Wouldn’t that be a nice surprise !
I also struggle with mild ED, which she tells me I don;t have and to put it out of my mind, so I usually do exactly that. I can recall only two occasions in the past 5 years when I couldn’t remain erect enough to get the job done, and she assured me on both occasions to not be concerned, I was probably just fatigued and there would be future opportunities !!!
So, at present our sex life IMO is pretty much plain vanilla PIV ( which is fantastic, still feels marvelous, draws us closer together and many times is downright fun ) in the bedroom with some OS added in as foreplay. Our improved communication and relationship is the big and rewarding change for me, and I can work within that framework toward a better future.
That’s my story at present, i sign off praising God for the life I have been given and the wonderful people in it. Wishing all a great day !
Our repertoire has definitely changed. We do PIV a lot more now than we did when we were first married, since we simply couldn’t because of size and pain issues for the first six weeks, and even then had difficulty until after her first baby. That meant a lot of oral and manual, which we got really good at. Once PIV became easier, however, we switched to that, and since then, oral and manual have taken a bit of a backseat, though we still do them frequently since PIV still needs significantly more prep time.
Our repertoire has been a more extreme up and down throughout our years. We actually started out doing a lot: OS, AS, different positions, places and a use of some toys. The difference between the similar early years and the later years, was frequency, which we are having a lot more sex in the later years, and we have had added a lot more variety to the toys we have tried and use.
In the low time, which was probably 16 years of our marriage (’96ish-’12) moved into my refuser/gatekeeper years, where we would infrequently have sex, and when we did, it was just the standard missionary or doggy, with the attitude of “let’s get it done”. Almost everything was stripped off the menu, on the rare occasion I would allow cunnilingus. This stemmed out of being hurt early on, having continuous conflict in our differences, and I built self-protective walls.
In the most recent years, we have slipped back into the safety and comfort of less frequent variety, for the sake of healing.
It was so hard when we first got married. I felt cheated and unhappy. I thought sex was only PIV and it would be good but it wasn’t. I hated the thought or reading about oral or other sexual things like touching myself or touching DH. I was raised that only PIV is good sex and I never ever heard of an O until after marriage and DH brought it up.
Now, I do try to touch DH and try new things. Especially positions because I only knew one position before marriage. I still have trouble with certain things but I’m surprised I actually think about doing them or did them.