How to get the sex you crave

    Some of you might struggle with an spouse with a different desire level than your own, as I did. Opposites often attract. Here’s a quick game plan for how to rectify that (from a guy who’s been married almost 12 years and is experiencing huge breakthrough):

    1. Get your heart right with God. 
    cant stress this enough. Everything else falls into place. Pornography stood in the way for a long time and held us back from breakthrough. Get help if you need it. Get in the Word daily. Ask the Lord where your heart needs to change.

    2. Communicate with your spouse.

    this was always the primary barrier for us. Literally, communicate about everything in your marriage bed. If you do, the two of you will feel comfortable moving on to the next step with your spouse…whatever that might be. Open lines are so critical. Don’t be judge-mental, but have a spirit of love when you speak.

    3. Have an open mind.

    For me, this meant being willing to take several steps back in order to step forward, slowing things down before they ramped up. Might mean something different for you.


    I am about to have amazing sex with my wife tonight and do something I have only dreamed of with her, and it wouldn’t have been without the above 3 things happening. You can have the same. God created sex to be amazing within marriage. Don’t let anything in this world hold your marriage back.

    Add Comment
    6 Answer(s)

      Thanks for sharing. With you, I’m pleased that things have turned out so well. I pray they will continue.

      Your three points are very good and I would offer similar advice. Each of those are important.

      And I would add prayer (perhaps you included that in your first point).

      However, for many dear people here on TMB or out there, they probably have, to the best of their ability, tried these steps. And perhaps more! But, either they still haven’t seen the results you have or even have seen things get worse. But thankfully, there are marriages like yours too!

      The other major part is something we have no control over – that is our spouse and their own will! Until they are willing to change, even if the stage (or marriage bed) is set perfectly, it still may not happen.

      So, while I rejoice with you, my heart hurts for the others!

      Under the stars Answered on April 5, 2020.
      Add Comment

        I fully embrace those  thoughts and did in my first marriage. Sadly, it takes two to tango and my then wife didn’t want to to tango or invest in it. I led poorly before our marriage and after, I apparently wasn’t able to emotionally connect with her like she needed and was an emotionally immature young man…and clearly, she wasn’t honest and open with me about what she wanted needed…and needed to heal from past hurts with God. After almost 17 yrs of marriage and 19 yrs of ministry together, she was living a double life working PT on the road and had an affair. I spent all sorts of time and effort with books, conferences, and other activities to connect with my now ex, even pursued counseling but it was not of interest to her. Then the truth came out.

        If I had to do it all over again, I would’ve pursued counseling earlier in marriage on those reoccurring issues, including sexual frequency. Again, while I know that the things you mentioned are important to God honoring marriages, it takes two people committed to God and then each other and willing to do the hard work in themselves and extending grace, mercy and setting healthy boundaries to deal with unhealthy behavior.

        Now my current wife and I have determined that we’ll seek outside help and perspective (mentors and professional help) and hold each other accountable for unhealthy behavior from the start. Neither of us want to have what we had before…and our dating and engagement reflected that commitment to ask the hard questions and remain pure so the best yrs of life and ministry are ahead of us and not behind.

        Under the stars Answered on April 8, 2020.
        Add Comment

          I am of the belief that we need to take obedience seriously – that the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord.  In that is our being right with others, not only those who come into our path, but especially those we have deep relationships with such as our spouse and family.  I am thrilled for you brother that your faith and effort has paid off in your marriage!  That is a praise!!  I can completely relate to where you are having experienced something very similar.  I also understand where one_woman_man is coming from when he says that our spouse’s will can be a challenge.  A path for that may be different for each person’s situation, we need to study the Word, pray and petition the one who Loves us for wisdom, how to proceed, and the strength to proceed.  Ultimately I believe doing what He teaches will bring at the very least holiness, but also very likely blessing as well.

          On the floor Answered on April 5, 2020.

          I am reminded of an authors take on your last sentence – “Consider the possibility that marriage is designed to make us holy, not make us happy.”

          Truly, a sobering thought that can shake one to the core.

          on April 8, 2020.

          LBD – Proverbs 18:22 – I think we can be both holy AND happy/blessed in marriage, but certainly if one is to be selected, it is more important to be holy than happy.  Perhaps another way to say it is that holiness is more important than happiness, or holiness cannot take a backseat to happiness.  Whenever we select happiness over holiness, disaster results and ultimately it will go badly.

          Personal holiness (righteousness) is actually something I find frustrating about a lot of ministries these days – they focus more on outward action, do this, do that, but many fall short when it comes to teaching and fostering personal holiness.  The way I see it is get right internally, work on holiness, work on faith, and fruit will be the outward expression.

          on April 8, 2020.

          I am truly sorry for my inquisitiveness. Where do you find it written that God designed sex to be holy?

          Matthew 5:27-30,  1 Corinthians 6:12-20, Ephesians 5:3, Hebrews 13:4) I took from a Christian web site. But all speak of adultery, not fun or pleasure or pleasing.

          Let me be completely up front here and I in no way am shaming the idea that God wants sex to be holy for sure;

          There is an enemy. Most men will face off with any man if the fight is “just” and you have a reasonable chance of putting up a fight or winning that fight.

          Not so with marriage. The enemy throws all kinds of things to tempt the man. Left to himself and the husbands unfulfilled sex drive, he will not lose, he will give up. He won’t lose his rights as a man, he will give them away. Many cases it will be to another woman.

          As a couple, this means war. Not against yourselves. Not husband against wife. But against an unseen enemy who resides in a world system of information and entertainment and riches that mean to throw you off your battle from the enemy to your relationship.

          Coming together sexually with pleasure in mind will sow a strong relationship that seeks to come together again and again. This results in holiness by using our bodies to seek out pleasure with our spouses. The enemy will fight back. But never where you expect it. It will be your job, kids, aging parents, porn, sickness, friends who are not christian and just life’s fatigue.

          For instance if you see that pleasure in bed is a miss, try something else. This is where things like positions, toys and even supplements and hormones come in handy. They seem like tools for sex when really, they get spouses to come together again and again.

          Just when you as a couple are doing great sexually, your teen gets into drugs. Wow, where did that come from? Answer? the enemy has been cooking it up for 3 years and maybe you missed it. Don’t let it stop your sexual relationship. Make your bed a sanctuary where the worlds problems don’t affect sex. Yeah its hard. I’ve been there, am there.

          on April 19, 2020.
          Add Comment

            Getting right with the Lord.

            I spent years in porn. In the meantime, we raised kids. Some of those kids had heavy issues. And I was attempting a great career, continued in my regular job and lost that job. During all of that, I was a Bible scholar. Prayed, attended church and played a fool thinking porn would be ok. It wounded my spirit, shook my faith and now in my older years, there is no success whatsoever. I am ruined. All that could have defined me is over and done. I have no friends, no colleagues, no church friends and yet I have all this Bible knowledge…for nothing. My wife sees me as the failure I am. I’ve had to just accept my situation without saying it, mentioning it or insinuating it. You see, some women accept their husband for what he is, even if he is a worker on an assembly line. My professional degree from 2014 never got me a job and all my attempts at a professional job recently have failed. I was also recently unemployed more that 5 years. Now I’m unemployed again. So sexy?….no.

            why this info? I prayed for years knowing that the key to life lay in prayer to God as a saved christian along with ridding myself of any willful and habitual sin. Any victory I have had in ridding myself of porn has only done one thing and that is it took me out of that prison. But it was too late. All my prayers in career, sin, job all failed for any long lasting result. And no woman can tolerate that.

            Any sex we have is left to an impossible set of requirements and tasks that are like landing on a moving island.

            My 100% failure of communicating sexual needs to my wife replicates itself to the point of giving up. I have forever just wanted to please her…no matter.

            I will forever be sexually unsatisfied. She will move on and be happy without it. Our marriage will stagnate. She will blame me. Ostensively it is my fault. As the man, I knew better. The arrogance in my character sealed my inability to be successful in the career I chose and also led me into porn when she became less interested in sex early on.

            So I won’t get the sex I want because God is not listening to me anymore. The proof is in the pudding.

            California King Answered on April 6, 2020.

            Your value is not what you think it is or what your wife thinks it is, but rather what God thinks it is.  You are not your job, nor are you your success or failures.  These are all traps.  You are who Jesus says you are, and if you are not pleasing Him, change so that you do please Him.  Do what you can with what you have.  You need to shut out the enemies lies, God can change things.  Your marriage does not need to stagnate, even in hardship you can do good.

            on April 6, 2020.

            Things sound dire C.J. But that is the best weapon of Satan – to make things appear different than they are. Satan wants you to give up, to say all is lost, to believe him instead of God. There are those that have returned from farther down the hole than you are now. First step is quit digging. Sounds like you may have put down the shovel. Rethink your position. You don’t know that God has quit listening.  Maybe its the other way around. Maybe you are not listening to Him as clearly as you think.

            There is only one final failure – giving up.

            on April 6, 2020.

            One thought that always helped me so much, C.J, was this. Nothing you do can make God love you any more, and nothing you do can make Him love you any less.

            on April 6, 2020.
            Add Comment

              I am very pleased for you. Always wonderful when a couple finds a path to a solution that works for both of them.

              Double bed Answered on August 7, 2020.
              Add Comment

                I think there are many couples with God in their heart that are not satisfied with their sex life. I find the suggestion offensive. There are also couples that do not believe in God that have amazing sex lives.

                Double bed Answered on August 7, 2020.
                Add Comment

                Your Answer

                By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.