How to get the sex you crave
Some of you might struggle with an spouse with a different desire level than your own, as I did. Opposites often attract. Here’s a quick game plan for how to rectify that (from a guy who’s been married almost 12 years and is experiencing huge breakthrough):
1. Get your heart right with God.
cant stress this enough. Everything else falls into place. Pornography stood in the way for a long time and held us back from breakthrough. Get help if you need it. Get in the Word daily. Ask the Lord where your heart needs to change.
2. Communicate with your spouse.
this was always the primary barrier for us. Literally, communicate about everything in your marriage bed. If you do, the two of you will feel comfortable moving on to the next step with your spouse…whatever that might be. Open lines are so critical. Don’t be judge-mental, but have a spirit of love when you speak.
3. Have an open mind.
For me, this meant being willing to take several steps back in order to step forward, slowing things down before they ramped up. Might mean something different for you.
I am about to have amazing sex with my wife tonight and do something I have only dreamed of with her, and it wouldn’t have been without the above 3 things happening. You can have the same. God created sex to be amazing within marriage. Don’t let anything in this world hold your marriage back.
Thanks for sharing. With you, I’m pleased that things have turned out so well. I pray they will continue.
Your three points are very good and I would offer similar advice. Each of those are important.
And I would add prayer (perhaps you included that in your first point).
However, for many dear people here on TMB or out there, they probably have, to the best of their ability, tried these steps. And perhaps more! But, either they still haven’t seen the results you have or even have seen things get worse. But thankfully, there are marriages like yours too!
The other major part is something we have no control over – that is our spouse and their own will! Until they are willing to change, even if the stage (or marriage bed) is set perfectly, it still may not happen.
So, while I rejoice with you, my heart hurts for the others!
I fully embrace those thoughts and did in my first marriage. Sadly, it takes two to tango and my then wife didn’t want to to tango or invest in it. I led poorly before our marriage and after, I apparently wasn’t able to emotionally connect with her like she needed and was an emotionally immature young man…and clearly, she wasn’t honest and open with me about what she wanted needed…and needed to heal from past hurts with God. After almost 17 yrs of marriage and 19 yrs of ministry together, she was living a double life working PT on the road and had an affair. I spent all sorts of time and effort with books, conferences, and other activities to connect with my now ex, even pursued counseling but it was not of interest to her. Then the truth came out.
If I had to do it all over again, I would’ve pursued counseling earlier in marriage on those reoccurring issues, including sexual frequency. Again, while I know that the things you mentioned are important to God honoring marriages, it takes two people committed to God and then each other and willing to do the hard work in themselves and extending grace, mercy and setting healthy boundaries to deal with unhealthy behavior.
Now my current wife and I have determined that we’ll seek outside help and perspective (mentors and professional help) and hold each other accountable for unhealthy behavior from the start. Neither of us want to have what we had before…and our dating and engagement reflected that commitment to ask the hard questions and remain pure so the best yrs of life and ministry are ahead of us and not behind.
I am of the belief that we need to take obedience seriously – that the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord. In that is our being right with others, not only those who come into our path, but especially those we have deep relationships with such as our spouse and family. I am thrilled for you brother that your faith and effort has paid off in your marriage! That is a praise!! I can completely relate to where you are having experienced something very similar. I also understand where one_woman_man is coming from when he says that our spouse’s will can be a challenge. A path for that may be different for each person’s situation, we need to study the Word, pray and petition the one who Loves us for wisdom, how to proceed, and the strength to proceed. Ultimately I believe doing what He teaches will bring at the very least holiness, but also very likely blessing as well.
Getting right with the Lord.
I spent years in porn. In the meantime, we raised kids. Some of those kids had heavy issues. And I was attempting a great career, continued in my regular job and lost that job. During all of that, I was a Bible scholar. Prayed, attended church and played a fool thinking porn would be ok. It wounded my spirit, shook my faith and now in my older years, there is no success whatsoever. I am ruined. All that could have defined me is over and done. I have no friends, no colleagues, no church friends and yet I have all this Bible knowledge…for nothing. My wife sees me as the failure I am. I’ve had to just accept my situation without saying it, mentioning it or insinuating it. You see, some women accept their husband for what he is, even if he is a worker on an assembly line. My professional degree from 2014 never got me a job and all my attempts at a professional job recently have failed. I was also recently unemployed more that 5 years. Now I’m unemployed again. So sexy?….no.
why this info? I prayed for years knowing that the key to life lay in prayer to God as a saved christian along with ridding myself of any willful and habitual sin. Any victory I have had in ridding myself of porn has only done one thing and that is it took me out of that prison. But it was too late. All my prayers in career, sin, job all failed for any long lasting result. And no woman can tolerate that.
Any sex we have is left to an impossible set of requirements and tasks that are like landing on a moving island.
My 100% failure of communicating sexual needs to my wife replicates itself to the point of giving up. I have forever just wanted to please her…no matter.
I will forever be sexually unsatisfied. She will move on and be happy without it. Our marriage will stagnate. She will blame me. Ostensively it is my fault. As the man, I knew better. The arrogance in my character sealed my inability to be successful in the career I chose and also led me into porn when she became less interested in sex early on.
So I won’t get the sex I want because God is not listening to me anymore. The proof is in the pudding.