How to introduce a toy
I’m finding it hard to get my wife interested in sex. I asked her if I could get her a vibrator. To me it would be a welcome tool in the sometimes hard task of getting her aroused. She thinks it’s weird and unnatural. Do I just let it drop?
(Disclaimer: I haven’t read the other question about kindling desire yet.)
How is your physical relationship outside of the bedroom? Are there lots of loving little touches, like putting your hand to the small of her back when you are just walking somewhere or brushing fingers leading up to holding hands or the romance novel fave–smoothing a strand of hair behind her ear? Do you tell her in a million little ways how much she means to you? Do you tell her WHY you love her (without referring to any body parts)? Do you help out around the house? Do you remember things she says? Do you listen to what she’s trying to tell you without trying to solve it or argue? Do you snuggle on the couch? Do you tell her she’s beautiful? Do you do all of these things (and more) to the point where she feels utterly treasured? (Do you do them all without making her feel like you only do it when you are trying to get sex from her?) Do you do a little extra when you are hoping for some loving, working hard to make sure her mind and body are in the right space for pleasure? Do you let her tell you what she ACTUALLY enjoys as opposed to what you THINK she should enjoy based on TV or what other men say or your imagination (or porn)? Do you ever spend time just kissing her and telling her how you can never get enough of her?
If so, and she is resistant to even those advances, then check in on your spiritual/emotional relationship. Is there a problem the two of you have never resolved? Is there lingering unforgiveness over anything? Is there something she hasn’t brought up to you, and the follow-up–why? Is she just plain too tired to fool with it? Does she need about a week of sleep and some serious household help before she even wants to think about doing anything in bed besides sleep? Is there anything she resents?
I am a high drive wife, but arousal (at this stage of my life, anyway) is something that CAN be rather fragile and difficult to muster and maintain without effort (that seems effortless) by Hubby. We’ve been married 25 years.
My first suggestion is to not ask a question that requires an immediate answer. For many people, an immediate answer will almost always default to “no” because it is the safest. Present the idea instead. Allow her time to think about it and process it. But at the same time, you can’t just let the topic go dead, so you have to strategically keep it towards the forefront of her mind. (Give her at least a day, maybe several, before bringing it up again.)
“I have been thinking and reading, and I have heard that a vibrator can be a great aid to women during sex. I would like to try it out and see if it works for us. I don’t want an answer now, but will you give it some thought and see if you would be willing to give it a try? We can talk about it more later [maybe even set a time]. If you have any fears or concerns please talk to me about them and we can work through this together.”
Another suggestion to think about and keep it in mind…. many guys, in order to compromise, suggest to “try it once” and if they don’t like it, “we never have to do it again”. From my experience and just knowing how my body responds quite differently at different times in my cycle, a one-time try rarely gives a good picture whether someone will like it or not. Give something a fair shot, by giving a try a few times, and after that, if they still don’t like it and it doesn’t work for them, set it aside.
“When she does allow me to touch her it’s basically one position and she is almost non-present. Eyes closed, hands never move.”
Thank you for sharing Padivo. I just read your other question about kindling desire. How long have you two been married? What was you and your wife’s sexual experience prior to your marriage relationship with one another?
My wife and I are going through a similar experience but we are currently in the midst of a season of growth, to some degree. It’s taken/taking work, but we are making strides together and growing in intimacy together.
How about this? As you approach your next wedding anniversary, suggest to her that you each separately make a list of 5 things that would make it special. If she is ok with the idea, you will find out what her ideas are (they might not match yours at all, but be ok with them and commend her for them) and she will find out what is on your mind. One of your ideas could be to explore the idea of using a toy.
Sometimes it’s a matter of how you ask the question. Asking, out of the blue, “would you like to try a vibrator?” probably isn’t going to work. However, if you say something more like “I’ve noticed than when we have sex you sometimes find it hard to get aroused, is there anything I can do to help make it more enjoyable for you? ” that starts a conversation. If you also add in that you’ve found some really useful websites written by and for Christians, and offer to give her the web addresses so she can look at them and then ask her about it a few days later that might also help.
For a long time, I was interested in using some type of toy with Mrs. Hornet. We discussed occasionally, and it was clear that nothing that vibrated would be welcome. I bought a string of cream colored pearls (6′ long), and we used those in various ways with great delight. After a while, I purchased some white 1-14″ plastic pearls, connected them with threaded rod into a 7.5″ toy. We went on a trip to a B&B, and I told her that I had a gift for her, since she loved pearls so much. When I showed it to her, she had about 10 seconds of indecision, then a big smile. We slowly moved toward penetration and she loved it. Since then we have used several glass dildos with wonderful results.
This really paid off after my prostate surgery, as I have been left impotent. But because we already had the toys in our lovemaking, there was no extra adjustment in our marriage bed.