How to make novel out of the not so novel
Novelty is the spark of sex for so many. Men much more than women it seems. HDr’s certainly over LDr’s. Pursuers obsess over it. Avoiders…..avoid it. The loss of it can kill a sexual relationship for many. The forced introduction of it kills things for others.
So where is the balance? I guess that is one question by itself.
Another question is more practical – how does on introduce novelty, or inspire novelty with another who is not all that interested in something new – even fights it at times?
I know there are personality quirks that play into this as well. I used to hate Brussel sprouts – mainly because my mother always cooked them the same way – boiled them – and they were hideous! Then one day I grew older, more willing and adventurous in my palate, and tried some broiled with spice and parmesan cheese – WOW! I have a bag of sprouts in my fridge today! Grilled, air-fried, broiled – with cheese, without, with various seasonings. So many ways… And to think I once thought boiled was all there was and I hated them.
How can we encourage a non-sprout eater to just try these now – and don’t make that face when I ask!?
Because I can say without hesitation – I am getting tired of the same old, same old – attitude and menu. I’m getting older by the day and can feel it more and more. I foresee a day when I may not want to eat at all. But in the meantime, I want to try a varied menu and expand the palate. I am glad I didn’t pass this world with never learning to love the Brussel sprout in it’s most delightful forms.
Of course this question is not about food….
As a self-certified HDr I will speak. Novel is good and the novelty of something sexually new to us can be incredible, but sometimes it has been nothing more than an $85 dollar sex toy flop. And sometimes its a heavily pursued cost-free sexual endeavor that for the both of us just was just silly. But the opposite can be true as well. For example like when a new position in a new place shook our bed, however momentarily. Many times the novel has been in the middle, implying we might have just left it alone. I have come to believe that the experience of the sexually novel, the new experience of a sexual episode, should be few and far between. I have found that my heart needs the balance of contentment and that the hunger for the novel would otherwise too often displace. Now, It is true that the same sexual stimulation, in the same patterns, can become routine, very routine even mentally boring. It is times like those that variation is important. However, variation is not the newness my heart longs for. Variation is the tool or expression of the contentment that novelty helped us establish. Novelty experienced at the right time has been important to aid us in establishing sexual variations that have become our sexual expressions of contentment with one another.
I agree that trying something only once is not enough, unless it was truly a bad experience altogether. It’s like driving. If we all based whether or not we would drive on our first experience most of us would still be on horseback. We bought a book on positions (drawings vs. real people) and went through the book together. Some we tried right away and liked, others we knew right away neither of us were not as flexible as we once were even though it is still fun to imagine. When my wife cooks a new meal from a cookbook (no, really, it’s a meal), she will ask how it was. If I say that’s a good meal for once a year, she knows I mean once a year, If I tell it it’s a keeper, she logs it as one that can be fixed throughout the year. Same with sex. Routine is good, but so is a little variety once in a while. and that goes for trying something new for the novelty of trying it or for the experience. My wife never says, “well, let’s get this over with.” That’s why this book has been so helpful. Gives us some things to try along with eating off the same menu. If I try to introduce something new every time she gets a bit frustrated because I’m more HD and she LD and just when she seems to be catching up, I speed ahead. So I’m learning to slow down. Talking about it before doing is a good way to enjoy the journey together.
“How can we encourage a non-sprout eater to just try these now – and don’t make that face when I ask!?”
First, you have to get past any face that is made. Do you know any kid (or adult) who doesn’t make some sort of face at first mention of trying something they have a perceived notion they won’t like? If you let a face stop you, you’ve already lost.
One has to push through first reactions and get to the “just try it” phase. As with food, we often just give small samplings of those things they are warily trying, we don’t give them a whole serving, and especially not a double portion. Also don’t expect great enthusiasm in the testing phase, hold onto and focus on the willingness that they are portraying by being there in the first place.
Also realize, that often times the first try isn’t the best, so giving something a fairshot requires several times. I would stay away from the promise of “Let’s try it once and if you don’t like it you/we never have to do it again.”
To me, just being privileged to have sex has always been novel enough. I think that comes from having no sexual history with anyone besides my wife, plus being fortunate to have never gotten trapped into pornography, so I don’t have a bunch of ideas or expectations of things being a certain way. Plus my personality is not prone to boredom or discontentment with routine.
HM and STG had some great thoughts! I’d like to add that as a HDr by a little or a lot sometimes, I would say that I sometimes have to slow down OR reassure my wife that she is more than satisfactory, that I am satisfied and content with our sex life because she has sometimes thought when I’ve asked or pushed some boundaries that I wasn’t OR a ghost from her past came up and she wondered about porn and adultery because of her ex. Then it’s important that I reassure her and slow the pace of sometimes pushing the envelope. As SC said, communication is key: talk about desires, dreams, fantasies, the why, compliment, etc.
DW wants to know she is desirable and being pursued for being her, not the act, not the O, and not just an orifice or body part that I desire to put my penis in/on, etc. She wants to be cherished and valued without giving those things and when she experiences trust and intimacy, a whole world opens up sexually because she trusts me to not use her for my own selfish pursuit.
I believe that is the best place to start and after a couple has achieved trust and completely open, honest communication and feeling valued & loved, then it’s easier to talk about novelty and other dreams/desires. I’ve also had to assure my wife that sometimes for me it’s like salt or seasoning on food a little can go a long way…or that it communicates to me pursuit just like she wants me to still court & date her. I like lingerie, I enjoy different positions and variety.
that’s me two cents.
“Another question is more practical – how does one introduce novelty, or inspire novelty with another who is not all that interested in something new – even fights it at times?”
As one whose DW decided that OS (either way) is off the table, I sure wish that I knew the answer to that question . Although it was never a regular part of our MB earlier in our 45 yr marriage, in the past 5 yrs she’s decided that it is something that good Christian wives just don’t do.. Lube (coconut oil) is OK but nothing exotic like flavored or heating nor toys of any kind are completely off the table too. I can’t get her to even talk about it beyond “I just don’t want to do that any more…”
She’s almost always available for PIV and when she isn’t she usually has a good reason so in one respect we have a “healthy sex life” (she is totally convinced that we do), albeit vanilla. Her prohibition against OS roughly coincides with our relocation to a new town (new church, Sunday school class, and social group) and I don’t know if her closest new lady friends have turned her in that direction or even if they ever discuss the MB at all, but she has become firmer in her resistance the harder that I push. I pray about it but try not to obsess over my disappointment and am truly thankful for her as my wife and the MB we have, such as it is.
Rest assured that I will be monitoring this thread for wisdom… I have nothing to offer on the subject.
P.S. – I love your Brussel Sprouts analogy.
So true Dutchess. There’s a good reason tried and true is solid for the go to. There are always favorite restaurants we enjoy and return time and again, but it’s also fun to try something new so we don’t get in a rut. If we never try something new, we may out on something that might just become a regular favorite.