How to move past partner not waiting until marriage.
How does one move past the hurt of a partner not waiting until marriage like you did? Yes I’m aware that we become new creations in Christ, however there are consequences to actions, I don’t to want the daily reminder that my partner gave something special to someone else,i don’t want it to become a stumbling block either. Yes I know I’m not perfect either, please reserve judgment.
Can you please elaborate on if you’re already married (and if so, how long), engaged, or just looking for a future partner? The answers will differ somewhat depending on what situation you are currently in.
I do know of one previous post that dealt with this for an already-married couple: Spouse’s Sexual Past
Great question Scott to help understand the context of the inquiry. I would say in addition even without that information of married or not that whether dating, engaged or married we must understand God’s grace and forgiveness extended to the other person who has had past partners, whether it was before Christ or after trusting Christ. If we can’t see that person as God sees that person, in Christ, there will always be that gnawing feeling of uncertainty if he/she will remain faithful to you, resentment that he/she was with someone else prior to you, perhaps even pent up bitterness and even comparison about how you measure up to the other person before you. Looking at the other person through God’s lens helps overcome hurt feelings as “there is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” If we can’t get past the hurt then the other person will never want to open up in confession to seek forgiveness, which only serves to further alienate.
I am sorry you’re feeling this pain. Forgiveness really is so important in marriage and it can be such a process to learn how to forgive. I think it’s easy to become stuck. Here is a strategy for a visual forgiveness exercise based on my own life experiences and what Ive heard some wise counselors say:
Identify what specific hurt you are feeling. (I would imagine you feel some level of betrayal and/or you may be worried about being compared to another… just to name a few possible feelings.) After you have identified the areas you feel hurt, write your feelings down on individual index cards. Lay these index cards out in front of you and read each individual card and say out loud “I forgive my husband for ….. (fill in the blank with what you have written on the card.). Then what you do with the card is up to you- burn it, fold it in half, tear it up, bury it or cover it with a symbolic red cloth (representing the blood of Christ…). This activity is a visual “line in the sand” that you can mentally refer back to when the feelings of hurt come creeping back. Choosing forgiveness , despite how you may feel, is very hard. Sometimes, we like to hold onto our self righteousness, our grudges or our desire for revenge but when we remember how much we have been forgiven by God, it becomes easier to forgive those who hurt us. Best wishes and prayers to you as you sort though this.
You have a choice to make: if you’re married and it was known, where will you choose to place your focus? Counseling would be critical if you’re stuck. And if honesty wasn’t forthright when dating, then you have a bigger Marriage issue as well as integrity and you both need counseling.
If you’re not married yet, then you have the choice of not continuing to date and marry and find someone else. If you do that, you better ask that question up front.
For me as a person who married again, both of us had already been with someone else. I had to accept that reality. We both had regrets for the choices made and who we were first married to. We have asked questions before and even after we got married about some experiences with our previous partners BUT we try not to because making comparisons isn’t healthy AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, our exes and experiences with them are part of our past and, right or wrong, good or bad, helped shape & influence us into who we’ve become; certainly in Christ, our sin and the grace received for past transgressions has done so. So if you aren’t married (or you are), IF your partner or spouse is truly remorseful about sinful choices, then it seems like the bigger issue is why can’t you offer the same grace God does? If your partner isn’t remorseful, then that’s a different story altogether and I’d submit you don’t have the same values and that’s gonna be a major issue to work through if married. If not, maybe break up and save more heartache.
Unless it was something hidden from you before marriage, you may want to seek a therapist to help you get over a problem within yourself that you are upset with your spouse unjustly about. If God brought you together he didn’t care that your husband wasn’t a virgin and you were. Of course I say that with the knowledge neither my husband or I were virgins and aware the other was previously married when we met. It had no impact on our marriage. No real reason you should let it be one on yours.
My DW has a lesbian relationship when she was a teen, sex included of course. She shared that with me just before we got married. In the beginning it impacted me a little bit. But as I know that belongs to her past and that God already forgave her, I stopped worrying about that almost immediately.
The crazy thing is, that I know myself, and somehow I feel that it could have been very difficult for me if instead of having sex with another woman she may have had sex with a guy before we got married.
Don’t ask the login behind this. Even I don’t understand myself.