How you fit LM into incompatible schedules
Edited to add: Sorry about the confusion; I was intentionally non-specific about my situation and am hoping to glean from your own experiences and problem-solving stories in this area. Thanks.
I’m finding we have incompatible schedules lately because of weird work hours for DH.
Can y’all share your stories of how you creatively handled unique/differing schedules from your spouse, specifically how you fit LM into the mix?
Since you gave no specifics, it’s hard to give specific answers. But we have adjusted things, and worked at being intentional to keep “us” a priority. That has meant saying “no” to things, especially if we know it wouldn’t be good for us in the long run. Other than that, find those times you can come together, make that a priority and be intentional to foster that little bit of time together.
Since you’re just looking for ideas, here’s one thought:
If one of you has a work break, particularly when working night shift, that person can go “eat” in their car and actually have phone sex with their spouse. This can be combined with a phone-controlled toy so that the DH is in control of the stimulation his DW is getting.
We almost tried this 3 months ago when I had to work until 3 am and she suddenly experienced spontaneous desire. However, she couldn’t bring herself to try it. Instead, we had our shortest-to-O timed session ever the next night. 😉 We actually have the We-Vibe Melt (a pressure-wave clitoral stimulator) and We-Vibe Chorus (couple’s vibe) that I can control remotely using my phone. But alas, neither appear to be enough to get her “there”, so she’ll just have to use our go-to vibe on herself instead if we ever do it. 🙁
Weird work hours for one spouse can be a challenge for sure. Quickies are great. I would also suggest that if he knows his work schedule ahead of time, sit down with your calendars and plan it, put it down in writing so it’s scheduled and not just something you hope happens. That doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous, but it does give you both something to look forward to. I agree with SC that it needs to be a priority and saying no to some things. I also agree with NLNW that some sacrifices may have to be made by both of you for it to happen. There have been some other threads of discussion about having sex over the phone or through some video means if you are apart where you can watch each other in the act. NWNL suggested pics and sexting. If it’s a priority, you will find ways to make it happen. Be creative.
During our decades of marriage we’ve committed to at least once per week. My career demanded periodic, intense times that interfered with scheduled or predictable times of sexual intimacy. For many years, Friday night was always ‘a plan’ Sprinkled in were other times during the week. We tune into each other’s libido level. Because I’m the HD spouse, if Mrs. Oldbear desires sex, I can rev up if she wants sex. Two ideas for you: 1) Try to find at least one time per week for sex. Plan on it. Look forward to it! 2) If either of you is horny, be generous and be intimate. Perhaps satisfying PIV will be the result. If one of you needs to O, go with it! Intimate sex ought to be experienced in lots of ways from sensual skin-to-skin time to ecstatic simultaneous Os.
Not sure what you mean by incompatible schedules. Sometimes quickies can be used more to keep some connection until longer LM sessions can be created. Sexting, pics and other teases can be added to stoke the fires leading up to a quickie session. At some point, depending on your situation, someone may have to make a sacrifice to give up sleep or some work hours to make things happen on occasion.
Ultimately, it means saying no to something and prioritizing “us” in the midst of a crazy schedule.
Comes down to two things:
Of course there are many things that arise out of those two, but they are the precursors to any solution. Doesn’t really matter what anyone else has done unless it exactly mirrors your situation and your personalities.
So – have you told him, or he you that there is a desire for some additional time/opportunities? Have you discussed together the barriers to those? Have you looked closely at yourselves to find where you could be more generous with your time? It takes, what, 30 minutes for a “good” sexual foray? Can someone get up 30 minutes early, go to bed 30 minutes later – once, twice, three times a week?
What has to be considered is that what actually takes up the space is not what we MUST do, but what we CHOOSE to do based on what we think we WANT or need. We always only do what we want to do. Being willing to put someone else in that place is the only answer for either of you. So sit down, talk about it, figure it out. Be compassionate and generous in your tone, words and efforts. Examine your schedule, find the places you choose yourselves over your spouse. We ALL do that from time to time. Many of those times we can simply choose them, or “us” over ourselves.
Unfortunately, life demands things of us, so we have to prioritize and adjust constantly. It’s not always fun, but it can be fulfilling and lead to contentment.
Funny thing about reading a question is the assumptions we must make in order to answer it. My question was a little less advice/practical, and a little more “your story.”
As I’m thinking through my complex situation, I am thinking through ideas and strategies, conversations we must have, but part of that is trying to get up the courage to tackle it at all. Hence the “your story,” as it is encouraging to see how others have come through.
I remember having this feeling during some darker times in my marriage years ago. Did I read the marriage books? Yes of course, but the most impactful and helpful information was from friends and loved ones just telling me their story. How they came through, what they worked on. Which must be one of the reasons why divorce has such a ripple effect of discouragement for friends and family when it happens.
This has definitely been an obstacle in my wife and I’s marriage for the last 11 of our 14 years together due to my rather early job start time. The solution in the past before children (we were married over six years before our first child arrived) was to just save it for non-work nights. After children though, that plan changed due to the many unexpected issues that come with children sometimes. Now, we just do it whenever it works out, that typically means once every two weeks, and ends up being a work night, which just means I have to suck it up and be tired the next day at work. It’s definitely not ideal, both her and I would probably prefer about three times a week and have a day off the next day, but you get what you get I guess. I suspect, barring some sort of job change for me that means a better schedule, that this current trend will continue until my children get a little bit older and more self-reliant. We also seem to have constant non-stop cold, flu bugs, etc in the house that interfere with it also.