Husband has low-T and minimal desire for sex, we are young, I’m going to a dark place

    Hi people,

     I made an account to post this. I’m not sure really what I hope to accomplish by this post, but would love some advice if anyone has been through the same thing and successfully improved. I also kind of want to vent/confess where I’m at. 

    My husband and I are in our early twenties, and have been married 4.5 years. Within the first year, I noticed something was off about his sex drive, but he was uncomfortable talking about it, so it wasn’t till our third anniversary when I broke down because the frequency was every five weeks or so and I couldn’t take it anymore. We went to two weeks of counseling, and the counselor suggested he go get tested (obviously I had too but that didn’t seem to matter). He did and now he’s on prescription testosterone. Things were better for about six months, but in the last six months are returning to a once every three weeks sort of schedule, which is not enough for me (I have a high sex drive). I have expressed my concerns to him repeatedly, and asked him to get retested, and he is finally getting around to it about six weeks later. So it’s improving I guess in that he’s trying a little more, but I have really low faith in the outcome improving because of past experiences. 

    I’ve been really intentional to communicate my needs over the past couple of years. I get rejected by him so much that it has killed my desire to try.  He sometimes makes comments that make me feel like a freak for needing sex. I have asked him clearly to help me out just by using a vibrator and being present, which he feels uncomfortable doing and has only agreed to do twice. I have nightmares about cheating and sleeping with other people.  This is not a unique story, and I know that. I’m committed to this marriage through and through. I do not believe divorce is an option, nor do I think I could find a partner better fit for me in all other areas of life. I know some people believe masturbation is a solution in this situation, but I struggled a lot with porn and masturbation early on and masturbation still into our marriage until about 1.5 years ago, and felt deeply convicted that it’s not okay for me. 

    All of that is really meant to be context for what I’m about to say, which is that I’ve been really descending to a dark place in my thoughts, with creepy intense infiltrating temptation to just find someone else to fill my needs. Maybe it’s a spiritual attack. Right now it is focused on a specific person we saw very recently who is single and attractive (we are really young so everyone is still attractive), and my prevailing thought about him has been “I bet he wants to have sex.” It’s really disturbing and unsettling. I’m fighting these thoughts and don’t want to give in. I’m thinking of Joseph running from Potiphor’s wife saying “how could I commit this great wickedness and sin against God.” I’m just really struggling and don’t know what to do. I feel hurt by my husband’s lack of effort to fix this part of our marriage and protect me from temptation/sin (again, I want to say he seems like he’s trying at the moment after a recent conversation), I’m frustrated at God because this feels like a cruel joke and more than I can bear. I just don’t know how to move forward and also not fall into sin. I can’t force him to change. 

    Twin bed Asked on April 21, 2020 in Sexually Refused .

    I understand exactly what you are going through, I have been there.
    In many ways I still am there.
    I’m twice your age and have lived this, so I will give you the gift of my experience.
    Please listen and take heed.

    You have two choices.
    Cope or confront.

    Cope: you accept who he is. You accept that it likely will not change or improve (although maybe slightly on occasion things will seem better. But it will be short lived and fleeting). But if you choose to cope and accept things as they are, then allow yourself to grieve.
    Grieve for what you don’t have, for how you do not feel understood, for the loss of what might have been, and for the death of the hope, the possibility of real improvement.

    Not many are truly able to cope.

    I do not think that coping is what God intended anyway.

    Confront, your only other option.
    It’s the only option that allows you to be yourself. To not settle. This allows you to fight for your marriage. To grow together. To celebrate and uphold the eros love of marriage. To embrace passion. To uphold the standard of the act of marriage.

    Either options are hard and difficult roads.

    But you MUST decide which road you will choose. You CANNOT take both paths. You must always confront when your needs for intimacy aren’t met, or choose to always cope when they are not. There is no middle ground.
    You will not be heard or understood if you float between the two sides. It is not fair to your husband or yourself if you are not completely clear and unwavering in whatever choice you take.

    I am still fighting for my marriage.
    It is a path, and sometimes we stumble on the gravel.

    So look at your husband.
    Do you want him to meet your needs?
    Then tell him EXACTLY what they are.

    Maybe you should tell him that you require sexual affection four times a week.
    Physical sexual interaction. Something that is measurable. Something that both of you will agree either did or did not occur.
    Make a concrete statement about what is required to meet your NEED.

    Keep a calendar so you can hold him accountable.
    Or ask him to do that himself.

    But be CONCRETE in your requirement.

    And tell him WHY you are asking for concrete action.
    You could tell him what you wrote in your opening post. That is up to you, but you must confront if you are unable to cope.
    Because your sexual relationship is to be between you and him only, and when your basic needs are unmet, your needs do not disappear just because he has none.
    I believe if a husband or wife is aware and yet neglects their spouse’s sexual needs, it is a sin. And they should be held accountable.

    You don’t always have to use a hammer to confront.
    Although sometimes it is required.

    Prayers for you and your DH.

    on April 21, 2020.

    Excellent advice Workerbee!  I hope she does take heed!

    on April 21, 2020.

    The problem is that a low sex drive person does not/cannot feel the need to improve their sex drive. They simply cannot feel a need of importance.

    So, is marriage important to them? It’s yes or no. If yes then, for him, Doctor, testosterone, ginseng, amino’s etc.

    on April 21, 2020.

    C Joseph,
    You are not incorrect.
    But with confrontation, the low drive spouse knows they are not meeting their spouse’s sexual needs.
    Knowing that they are not meeting their spouse’s sexual needs, they have a choice.
    Attempt to meet the spouse’s sexual needs
    Or
    ignore their spouse’s sexual needs.

    Either way, the heart and intention of the low drive spouse is finally apparent.
    The heart and intention of the low drive spouse is exactly the heart of the issue, is it not?

    on April 21, 2020.

    Workbee, that is great advice. Cope or confront.  I have been in the same situation with my wife and I coped with it. I confronted it for years, but it helped very little. A low drive spouse doesn’t see the need for the high drive spouse.

    on April 22, 2020.

    @C. Joseph… I am sorry, I disagree, and would even say you are sooooo wrong in that first paragraph.   I am the lower drive spouse.  Often what you share, in such a biased way against lower drive spouses, it’s often an affront to me.  I let it go because I understand you are speaking out of your own hurt and your personal experience, but you would do well to know that what you are spreading around here are not facts.  I am a living testimony that a lower drive spouse CAN feel the need to improve their sex lives/drives/desires and we CAN feel the importance of it… and I have SEVEN YEARS behind me to prove the fact.

    on April 22, 2020.

    Preach it sista SC!!!

    on April 22, 2020.

    The problem is that a low sex drive person does not/cannot feel the need to improve their sex drive. They simply cannot feel a need of importance.

    All the more reason to not trust our feelings which can deceive us.  When we get off a feelings based mindset and move to a God/scripture/obedience based mindset, we can see that doing something may be good even if we don’t feel a certain way about it.  We can see that we don’t have to always be comfortable, that sometimes doing what is good is not comforting or easy.  It will probably become easier once we grow.

    on April 23, 2020.
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    22 Answer(s)

      My advise is to step away, find a place of quietness and open your heart to God.  Let Him how you need Him now and ask Him to help you overcome this temptation.  He has promised to do that you.

      13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. — 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

      Double bed Answered on April 21, 2020.

      I am a bible scholar. The passage is good. Your biblical rhetoric does not solve her problem. Shooting bible quotes is great for understanding evil,  poetry and a way to salvation but is not a solution to the body’s need for sex and for her to connect to her husband. I can find a bible quote for anything and then seem self-righteous or even judgmental to one’s predicament. Wars are never fought exclusively with bible quotes. We pray, cite some bible verses and then go out and fight with great cost. This woman needs our help and we need to give it.

      On temptation; I’ve been there. We are followers of Jesus. And we are NOT Jesus. Temptation is present because we walk into it, or the enemy presented it so you can fall into sin, or we see the sin as the only alternative in a world where we are given no righteous choices.  Temptation of porn is not that you went to a porn site, that in itself is sin of idolatry. Temptation is that she thought about it. So, no sin.

      on April 21, 2020.

      I’m concerned at your reasoning,

      “Your biblical rhetoric does not solve her problem. Shooting bible quotes is great for understanding evil,  poetry and a way to salvation but is not a solution to the body’s need for sex and for her to connect to her husband. I can find a bible quote for anything and then seem self-righteous or even judgmental to one’s predicament. Wars are never fought exclusively with bible quotes. We pray, cite some bible verses and then go out and fight with great cost. “

      I never said nor did I say Bible the passages will solve anything.  What I said and what the Bible teaches, and has demonstrated too many times to count, is that committing oneself to prayer and asking God/Jesus to help with the burdens we are experiencing, He hears our prayer and has promised that nothing it too great to overcome.  Therefore we have to allow Him into our lives, to help us and show us, whether it be with suggestions provided here or else where.

      Being a ‘bible scholar’, as you stated and the comments you made concern me.  Knowing what God teaches and says is one thing but believing it, living it and allowing God to help us when at our time of greatest need is another.

      on April 22, 2020.

      Both of your thoughts are helpful. Thank you for answering and C. Joseph for sharing your experience.

      on April 22, 2020.
      Add Comment

        First, if his doctor is not keeping a close eye on him and making sure his TRT and testosterone isn’t hitting his optimal level, GET A DIFFERENT DOCTOR. Find an an actual BHRT doctor, Defy Medical, which does telemedicine is a great place to check out if you don’t know where else to go. My husband has been on TRT for 2 years and he is still getting lab work done every 3-4 mos trying to get his numbers leveled for his optimum. Once that happens, every 6 mos labs need checked.

        Also, I know it will be difficult, but I encourage you to be honest and open with your husband. He needs to hear about your struggles and temptations. Shedding light on our secrets takes the power away from them. The enemy thrives in the darkness of our secrets. It could, and is likely, your husband will be hurt, but that’s okay, sometimes we need that piercing of the heart to bring us to conviction, repentance and change. We need to let the refining fire bring up the dross (sin) in us, so we can see it and deal with it. Good will come of it. If conflict is handled well, great intimacy comes out of it.

        Under the stars Answered on April 21, 2020.

        I regret ever telling my wife of my porn past. If I had to do it again I would not! She used it against me to shame me and lecture me on righteousness when she herself would not accommodate sex for me for years. Her wrong, and my wrong. I walked into porn and I walked out. My control, my efforts. She did nothing to help me!

        on April 21, 2020.

        And I can tell you multiple stories, from my own marriage, where confessions brought greater intimacy.  It was an opportunity for us to show grace and forgiveness, and it has given the other the chance to experience real love and it reflected the love of Christ to the other.  But as we know, there are “swine” out there that we should not cast our pearls before… it’s just really sad when our lifemate falls into that “swine” category.

        on April 22, 2020.

        Yes, honesty can breed intimacy. If it doesn’t, probably at least one person in the relationship isn’t healthy.

        on April 22, 2020.

        C. Joseph, I’m sorry that was your experience. It seems your wife did not extend mercy to you as she should have. I believe the scripture that says “The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy”  (Proverbs 28:13). Even if that mercy did not come from her, it came from the Lord. Af for me, my husband is thankfully extremely merciful, far more than I deserve, and I’ve confessed many sins to him and found grace in it.

        on April 22, 2020.
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          I understand exactly what you are going through, I have been there.
          In many ways I still am there.
          I’m twice your age and have lived this, so I will give you the gift of my experience.
          Please listen and take heed.

          You have two choices.
          Cope or confront.

          Cope: you accept who he is. You accept that it likely will not change or improve (although maybe slightly on occasion things will seem better. But it will be short lived and fleeting). But if you choose to cope and accept things as they are, then allow yourself to grieve.
          Grieve for what you don’t have, for how you do not feel understood, for the loss of what might have been, and for the death of the hope, the possibility of real improvement.

          Not many are truly able to cope.

          I do not think that coping is what God intended anyway.

          Confront, your only other option.
          It’s the only option that allows you to be yourself. To not settle. This allows you to fight for your marriage. To grow together. To celebrate and uphold the eros love of marriage. To embrace passion. To uphold the standard of the act of marriage.

          Either options are hard and difficult roads.

          But you MUST decide which road you will choose. You CANNOT take both paths. You must always confront when your needs for intimacy aren’t met, or choose to always cope when they are not. There is no middle ground.
          You will not be heard or understood if you float between the two sides. It is not fair to your husband or yourself if you are not completely clear and unwavering in whatever choice you take.

          I am still fighting for my marriage.
          It is a path, and sometimes we stumble on the gravel.

          So look at your husband.
          Do you want him to meet your needs?
          Then tell him EXACTLY what they are.

          Maybe you should tell him that you require sexual affection four times a week.
          Physical sexual interaction. Something that is measurable. Something that both of you will agree either did or did not occur.
          Make a concrete statement about what is required to meet your NEED.

          Keep a calendar so you can hold him accountable.
          Or ask him to do that himself.

          But be CONCRETE in your requirement.

          And tell him WHY you are asking for concrete action.
          You could tell him what you wrote in your opening post. That is up to you, but you must confront if you are unable to cope.
          Because your sexual relationship is to be between you and him only, and when your basic needs are unmet, your needs do not disappear just because he has none.
          I believe if a husband or wife is aware and yet neglects their spouse’s sexual needs, it is a sin. And they should be held accountable.

          You don’t always have to use a hammer to confront.
          Although sometimes it is required.

          Prayers for you and your DH.

          Queen bed Answered on April 21, 2020.

          I was going to comment on your “comment” to the question with this text, asking you to make it a full answer. Glad to see you already did.

          Excellent response, thank you!

          -Scott

          on April 21, 2020.

          Oops, I commented on the comment before I saw this!  I will say it again… Excellent advice Workerbee!  I hope she takes heed!

          on April 21, 2020.
          Add Comment

            I am sure you know, but if you don’t, your pain is real and your concern is valid.
            I pray your husband comes around and sees the gift you are and treasures the valuable gift he has for you.
            Don’t beat your husband over the head with the Bible, but gently remind him that 1 Cor 7 makes no room for his excuses.
            And if that doesn’t work, seek out a pastor or maybe a Godly friend couple to confront him about it.
            But that’s if these efforts he’s making are short lived or rejected. If he’s making progress, then keep waiting and praying.
            As for the masturbation WITH him, I would try to tell him. “This is going to happen. Watch me or listen to me.”
            But make every effort to involve him. The ball is in his court now.
            I don’t know. This is like the opposite of my marriage AND on steroids. I’m just throwing out ideas.
            But just know we’re here to listen.
            Lord knows everyone here has been there for ME.

            Fell out of ... Answered on April 21, 2020.
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              Lots of prayers for you.  Can’t stress enough how important it is to continue in prayer by crying out to God and finding strength and comfort in His Word.  Take some time and pray over Psalm 34, especially vs. 1, 4, 6-9, 15, 17-18 (that’s a dandy).  Another good one for the temptations is I Corinthians 10:13.

              You spoke about seeing a medical doctor, which is important to continue pursuing and, as suggested, find another one if you aren’t satisfied with the medical care and outcomes.  Have you considered seeing a Christian counselor together?  Maybe he also has some baggage he’s trying to get rid of.  Love him and keep talking with him.  Would he be open to reading some books on sex by Christian authors?

              On the floor Answered on April 21, 2020.
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                I’m sorry Ron but talking about divorce is way out of line and there isn’t any evidence at this point by her writing that shows anything Biblical to recommend divorce, even a separation seems out of line without the direction of professional Christian counseling and exhausting all other options.

                Suggesting that now is like saying one should amputate a finger because of a splinter you’ve failed to get it out after a few different tries. Speaking as a Christian whose been through a divorce AND despite having Biblical grounds for a divorce, didn’t want it because it isn’t God’s plan or design.  it is PAINFUL and this need to exhaust EVERY OPTION to resolve this issue with professional help and accountability before ever suggesting and taking either of those steps. 

                Under the stars Answered on April 22, 2020.

                I agree completely.

                on April 22, 2020.
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                  I agree with ProphetPriestKing that your husband needs to embrace 1 Cor 7 and that despite the hardship he has physically, he needs to step up in all ways possible to meet your need.  He is probably not privy to how dire this is and that in and of itself is a danger.  You are not meant to fight this battle without his help.  Something along the lines of “DH, I know we have been working on improving this, but even if you are not excited, we need to come up with a plan B for when I have a need.  This is a critical problem for me and we have the power to work on it together.  The vibrator and your closeness means the world to me even if that is only would can be done”.

                  Stay strong and I am praying for you today.  If it comes between cheating and MB then that is not a choice at all.  It is critical that when the enemy whispers ideas into your ear that you shut them down immediately or as soon as you can.  Remember Jesus in the desert!  He was hungry, you know he was hungry, and he battled with God’s Word.  Get into the Word.  Know what to say to the enemy to drive him away.  You are not alone for He is with you!!!  Constantly remind yourself of this.  Look for the blessings in your husband that he also has, remind yourself of his good qualities and why he is important to you.

                  I will add that letting him know that he does not have to feel any responsibility or pressure to perform might also be helpful.  That what you are looking for from him is his presence and what he can do.  If what he can do is get naked then let that be enough to start.  Try to do all you can to take the pressure off.

                  On the floor Answered on April 21, 2020.
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                    I’ll try to respond to all of you in this one post answer. It says I don’t have enough points to comment on individual answers.

                    ProphetPriestKing, thank you for the affirmation. I know I’m not crazy but it’s been going so poorly for most of the last 4.5 years in this area that it makes me feel a little crazy, like maybe I’m the one who needs to change. I’ve certainly brought up 1 Corinthians 7 (I really try to be gentle. He doesn’t like conflict though so he kind of responds like a puppy being slapped. Makes it hard to bring things up. He’s grown in this area but it’s still a work in progress.).

                    Thank you for the recommendations to get into the Word. It’s been tough to read when I feel a little jaded by all this, but it’s the medicine I need.

                    Sd595, Thank you for your prayers. It’s super meaningful knowing someone from the internet is willing to pray for me. And you’re absolutely right, my husband is an amazing friend and I have no doubt that God matched us up. I need to remember that when I’m struggling.

                    Seeking Change, thanks for bringing up the doctor issue. I’ve thought it was weird that there was no follow-up and he’s just been renewing the prescription since about a year ago. Especially odd since they don’t know why his testosterone is low (started out at 295 ng/dL and he’s only 24). I’ll try to encourage him to find a specialist. As for sharing what’s going on, I’ve been considering doing that. I have in the past, and usually he is sympathetic but totally doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for me because he can’t relate. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I’ll share today.

                    Twin bed Answered on April 21, 2020.

                    Praying this morning for you and your husband.  Be strong in Him!  Always replace the lies with what you know is good!

                    on April 22, 2020.
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                      Your story sounds familiar to me, but in our case is the other way around. She doesn’t want sex. and I like sex A LOT!.

                      Our stats have gone from great to sex every 5 weeks, or even more rarely. in my case I opted for “M”.

                      On the point that you feel temptations about fulfilling yours needs with “someone else”, I fully understand what you feel, the “devil” always attacks the areas of our relationships where we are struggling. But the BIG lie from the “devil” behind the temptation is:  “with someone else things will be BETTER, you will be satisfied, it will good”.

                      The truth is that fulfilling our needs with someone else will make us feel worse that how we feel now, and we will have more problems that the ones we have now. This is the part that the enemy will never highlight to us. but that will become a reality if we go for it. So when temptation comes, I just think, “do I want things to get worse than what they are now?”.

                      Hope things improve, thanks for sharing.

                      Add Comment

                        Hello,

                        I am sure that sharing all of this must have been difficult. It is great that you shared and brought this to the light. Whenever I am going through sexual temptation God reminds me of Proverbs 5-7. I encourage you to read it and pray. I’m going to be blunt here…King Solomon had all the orgasms he could ask for with hundreds of his concubines. And yet he shares how unsatisfying his sexual sin was. We should all take a lesson from him. I think we all can understand why you would feel this way, you want to enjoy sex but your husband doesn’t or can’t. The Lord hears your frustration and so do we.

                        As far as that temptation with the single guy or any other person…please flee from it. You have been saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, you are His daughter. I know the King of Kings who loves you dearly sees your frustration and he doesn’t want you to commit adultery even if every part of you is desiring to be sexually satisfied. Continue to consistently talk to your husband about your sexual needs. Remind him that your sexual desires are a gift! You are not a freak or pervert, God gave you these desires and its a good thing. I know talking about sex face to face is difficult, but finding a trustworthy sister in Christ should be a priority (I guess facetime or phone calls nowadays). Keep up the good fight, you are not alone and I will be praying for you and your husband.

                        Double bed Answered on April 21, 2020.
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