Husband is now expressing desire to be a woman. I need help..
So, this has been really challenging for me to grasp. I don’t even know how to begin writing this, but simply put, about a year ago my husband started to open up about his feelings of wanting to be a girl.
Now, I’m not against guys being more “feminine” (personally I think there’s too much pressure for guys having to be rough and tough to be considered “masculine”). But the problem isn’t that he wants to be more, as culture would put it, feminine. He wants to be a girl. He feels as though he feels like a girl trapped in a guy’s body.
He says he’s always felt this way, but it’s been a challenging thing for me to accept. After 4 years of marriage I’m finding out my husband wants to be a woman. Quite honestly I just don’t know what to do.
Having a trans husband was something I never thought I would have to encounter. He hasn’t been set on changing anything yet, but he’s been expressing it more and more since first telling me a year ago. He’s done research on gender dysphoria. He says it fits exactly how he’s always felt. I know he has a strong desire for God, and we’ve had plenty of talks about God and the topic. I think he’s still trying to figure it all out himself, I know he doesn’t want to sin against God. But I sense, and can tell he’s leaning towards wanting to embrace being a woman.
He’s hesitant about really opening up to me about how he feels, but I keep telling him he’s still my husband, and it’s my job to be his helper in figuring things out, but I can’t do that if he keeps this to himself.
He knows i’m not for it, but we both agreed we want to be open and honest with each other while he’s trying to figure this out. He tells me that he just wants me to love and accept him. Which I do! But honestly, I’ve been finding it really hard..
I want him to know that I still love him. That I still accept and don’t judge him. He’s being open with his honest heart after all, I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t trust his feelings with me. I’m trying so hard to still be his supportive wife, but it’s hard when it’s something i don’t want to, or rather, don’t know for sure if I should. I know this is something he needs to sort out with his own personal relationship with God, but it’s also causing me to have my own conflictions to figure out as well.
There’s honestly so much to this situation I know I can’t say it all in one post. What makes it hard, is that I feel i can’t talk about this with anyone. Not even him. Not that he wouldn’t listen, I know he will, and we’ve had talks before, but I know he feels hurt and rejected when we talk because, like I said, I’m not for it. So I don’t want/ can’t talk to him about how I truly feel because i’m worried it’ll cause him to close up about it. (it’s kinda happened a couple times already), and I can’t talk to any friends or family about it because he’s very self conscious about it and doesn’t want anyone else to know what he’s feeling. At least as of now. So out of respect for him I haven’t talked about this with anyone. He’s the only one I can talk to..but also the one I can’t..
That’s why I’m here. This is what’s driven me back to this website. I’ve been asking God for guidance of what to do, and this website kept coming to mind, I know this is a lot, especially for a new member. But this is so heavy on my heart, and I have no where else to go for Godly fellowship on this issue.
I can go into further detail at another time, but these are essentially the issues that I’m facing with this situation.
It’s beginning to affect our marriage I feel. I’ve noticed a drop in attraction to him. I’ve found myself longing for a man’s embrace. Even though his body is still very much a man, you can, I guess in a sense feel when the masculinity behind it isn’t there. For example, he’s expressed to me before that he doesn’t like feeling like a man. And it reflects. We’ve had talks before about expressing our sexuality. (The way we were brought up about sex, we’re both still kind of shy with expressing our sexuality) I always thought he needed more confidence in himself sexually, like I did/do. But I’m starting to realize it’s not confidence in feeling sexy as a man….
He may never embrace that “sexy manly vibe” because It’s uncomfortable to him. Honestly, after knowing that. After knowing that he feels that way, sex has become even more of a struggle to desire, more than it already was. I’ve been on birth control since first being married, and it kind of screwed up my drive, but since getting off of it it’s slowly started to come back..but now that it is..I feel like I don’t have a man to embrace it with..
I’ve told him for years, that I hoped I made him feel like a sexy man. He’s saved himself for marriage (as did I), so I always told him I wanted to be sure to give him every desire he’s ever wanted. To make him feel like the best, sexiest man he could ever feel like. To really give him confidence in himself. He would always tell me I was. To be quite honest I feel a little embarrassed now. It’s like he was just saying that to be nice. Feeling that way was never really a desire for him. Ironic..
So, before marriage I managed to pack away all my desires for men sexually. I finally get married and then my hormones are pretty much no where when I need them. And now that they’re returning, and I’m actually able to freely lust over my man,(for lack of a better term), my man doesn’t really want to be a man! So not only are my desires coming back, but now they’re not just desires, but more of a longing, to have intimacy with a man.
I’ve noticed myself being attracted to other guys, not even sexually really, but just attracted by their maleness? (Is that even a word?). I’m worried it may start to turn into sexual attraction. I know I wont cheat on my husband, even if he did undergo a full transformation. But I still don’t like the feeling of being drawn to other men and not my own..Like, I married a man, not a woman..
Also on that note, I also struggle with being sexually attracted to woman. That is something, ironically enough, has always been an issue for me. I’ve always been more attracted to woman than men. (I don’t really want anyone personally knowing this about me either.) It’s something I dislike about myself, but sin is sin and it can affect anyone. I don’t agree with being gay. I feel personally convicted by it. Avoiding my temptation of lust for woman is as strong as a normal guy’s would be. My husband knew this before we were married, given that he too also struggles with lust for woman (again..ironic..). You’d think since that being the case, I would be okay with my husband being more of a girl, that it should make me more attracted. Well, it actually makes it worse. Because I don’t want to embrace that side of me at all. It makes me not want to be intimate with him even more. It makes sex extremely awkward and at times uncomfortable for me. I’m Uncomfortable with him receiving sex with a woman’s mindset, it’s a turn off and a conviction for me.
Before, he expressed that he liked being the dominated one, and I did too every now and then, (makes him feel “served” you know?), Well that’s….not comfortable at all for me anymore. To the point where I don’t want to “be the one on top”. I don’t feel like i’m pleasing a man, but a woman, and it just feels wrong on so many levels for me. What’s odd is that he’s still attracted to woman like any other guy would be. Breasts and all. but he..I don’t know..I don’t know what he thinks or feels..is he a gay girl then?
How do I tell my husband I don’t enjoy sex with him? Like I do..but, that I don’t want to have sex with him? At least not while he’s feeling how he’s feeling. Which apparently may never go away? I want to feel intimacy with a man. I want that man’s embrace, with a man’s mindset behind it. I want to have sex with the man I thought I married. I want him to want me like a man would. Swoop me in his arms you know? Take me like a masculine man. Embrace me like a man would. Intent and all. I’m craving it from him so bad..I don’t ever want a divorce..and I also don’t want to be longing for something I see in other men that my own husband can’t give me..
At the same time I feel like I have no right to complain..I’ve done some things in the past that, I know God has forgiven me for, but I fear this may be the consequence of my actions/choices..almost as if I shouldn’t complain because I deserve this..
I’m so sorry for such a long post..but I really need to get this off my mind..I’ve about teared up many times just writing this out. Actually getting out how I feel about all this.. if nothing else..it’s nice to just..get it out..
1. Even through everything that you’ve said, the first thing I want you to understand is that if you have repented and asked forgiveness for past sins, then God has forgiven you. He forgives not only your sins, but the guilt of your sins. It sounds like you’re still struggling with that guilt. While there may possibly be earthly consequences for those sins, this isn’t always the case. God doesn’t send judgment and punishment down. Your sins were covered by Christ’s sacrifice. So what’s happening now is merely an unfortunate coincidence. It is not a punishment. God doesn’t work that way. And you do not deserve this. No one does.
2. I’m glad you got all this out. It’s not healthy for you to be holding this many secrets inside. I would suggest that you go see a licensed therapist. Look for a Christian one, because your worldview is important in how you deal with this situation. You need the freedom to discuss how you’re feeling with someone who can help you sort this all out. Right now, that person is not your husband. He should be seeing someone as well, but you each have your own issues to tackle.
I believe you said in your introductory post that you were 24. Our brains are not even fully developed until we’re 25, so it stands to reason that you need a professional to help you sort this all out. You’re battling tough concepts that would throw anyone for a loop.
3. Steep yourself in the Bible, and in prayer. Really develop a close relationship with God. He will help you stay strong through all of this. It sounds trite, but it’s true. Plus, you need all the help you can get as you navigate a difficult situation.
4. You said that you have difficulty desiring him because he’s not masculine enough, but that you also have trouble because he’s not a woman. I don’t know you enough to make much of a judgment here, but his desire to be female is putting you in very confusing position. I wonder how much of your lack of attraction to him is really just because you’re also confused by the mixed signals you’re getting from the marriage that you’re in. It sounds like you still crave masculinity, and the absence of it is putting you in a tough bind.
Think about what you are saying. You were attracted to women before, but you don’t want to be. Yet now that you’re with someone who feels like a woman, you aren’t attracted to that person. He might self identify as female, but you don’t put him in that category yourself.
I have questions that don’t necessarily require an answer, but you might want to consider. You say that even if he made the transformation, you wouldn’t want to leave him. Why is that? Do you want to be married to a woman? His transformation would negate your marriage vows, so it’s not something that you need to feel trapped by.
5. Lastly, you deserve the kind of marriage where you are supported and led to be a better person. I’ve known couples who have successfully navigated this, but the confusion you are in tells me that you don’t want this. I didn’t see this confusion from them. You’ve got a lot of things to muddy the waters, so to speak. However, the one current that runs crystal clear through your post is that you are not happy with this situation. Maybe start there. You may not feel like you know your own mind on this, but your post says otherwise.
I will pray for you as you continue this battle. Keep your relationship with God strong. He loves you and will see you through this.
So sorry you are going thru this.
The only moral option open to your husband, as a married man, is to learn to embrace his masculinity and be the best man he can be. He has lived as a male for many years, and can continue to do so.
I agree that you both need professional help. Unfortunately, this isn’t something that most pastors or counselors are equipped to deal with. The whole transgender thing has been embraced by secular society, and is actually encouraged. Gender Dysphoria is not even classified as a disorder any more ! I did some research on your behalf to see what treatment options are available for a man with gender dysphoria who decided “I don’t want to go thru a life dominated with hormone treatments and surgeries. I want help being happy in the body I have.” Other than a few references to “talk therapy”, I didn’t find much. Most secular sites sort of assume that some body modifications will be required to achieve happiness in most people.
Anyway, you need help — more than we can give you here. Given the fact that secular society promotes transgenderism, your best bet is to find the best Christian counselor that you can. I would start with Focus on the Family. I found this link: This article may be of help to your husband. Also, it has a link to their counseling department.
MarriageToday.com and MarriageHelper.com offer marriage coaching. These are “coaches”, not licensed therapists. There is an advantage to going this route. If you went to a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, he could not discourage your husband from transitioning once he stated that he wished to do so. About all he could do is help you deal with it.
One would think that their coaches not being licensed counselors would save you a little money, but that is not the case unfortunately. Nonetheless, I got help from MarriageToday, and it was well worth the money.
But I would call Focus on the Family first. At least they are aware of the problem you are having.
If your husband insists on going thru hormone treatment or surgery, I believe you would be biblically in the right to divorce him and remarry. He says he has felt this way his whole life. He didn’t disclose this to you before you married him. That, plus his choice to make his body so that he can no longer have sex with you, is putting the marriage asunder.
Finally, I must say that same-sex attraction is not a sin. It becomes a sin only when you act on it. You are sexually attracted to men, so you seem quite normal to me. Perhaps your attraction to women is not anything abnormal. The human body is an awesome creation of God. I find many men attractive. Just not in a sexual way. What person, man or woman, can stand in front of Michelangelo’s David and not be in awe? I have seen a full-sized copy.
Praying for you.
I wanted to respond because I am sadly in a situation which had many parallels to yours. I do not have answers, but wanted to share a bit about where we r at…
I have been married almost 5 years and after 4 also my spouse also told me that he feels like a woman trapped in a mans body. Honestly the day he came out was the day our marriage and sex drive died. We have not been intimate since.
My husband has renounced his faith before this and is not a believer. It seems yours is opened to truth which is good. My spouse basically said this is what he’s doing and he’s proud of it .and publically and quickly came out with a new name. He started wearing only women’s clothing and makeup. Got fake stick on boobs and just recently started taking female hormones. It seems yours still cares about your commitment and vows which is good. Also thinking about things and processing w you and not doing anything public… I suggest that you talk to a counselor together:
For us when he told me he wanted to come out publically and live publically as a woman we couldn’t see a way forward . It literally died. We separated a few months later. We are still good friends and have a toddler we coparent and love her so much… but we can’t see a way forward with him doing this. I feel like he stepped out of the wedding vows we made to be husband and wife. I am not attracted to women and I’ve never desired to be with a woman. I get sad and resentful at what he is so happy about so really there wasn’t a way forward. Recently we have decided to divorce. In 1 Corinthians 7 it says that if the unbeliever leaves the believer is not bound in those circumstances as God wants us to live in peace. My spouse told me the other week they wanted a divorce.:: It’s the deepest pain ever but my spouse has chosen this path that isn’t of God and to walk away from his family and promise. 💔 I believe strongly in the marriage covenant but my spouse broke it by going in this direction at full force.
Since your spouse is talking to you and not doing anything abruptly and wants to please God I believe there is great hope for you! Seek a good Christian counselor and a personal one too bc u have a lot on your plate!!!
In terms of bc I’m quite natural minded. I don’t believe hbc is good for your body but do use something natural at this time. Oh I know the deep desire for babies in fact I wanted to have a big family and one few hurt of this for me (I’m around age 30 so a bit older than you), is I longed to have many babies and soon with my whole heart… but it’s not a good time(for us I’m not on bc we just haven’t had any intimacy in months)). This situation is effecting my daughters life. She went to sleep crying for her other parent the other night . She doesn’t live w him. She calls him didi not dad and will grow up probably with confusion .You have so much time esp if your spouse works on these issues. Use condoms or a diaphragm: I wlll say being pregnant w a spouse who who wants to be a woman and the pregnant one (tho he hadn’t come out yet) was traumatic for both of us. He was very uncaring and apparently having me be pregnant when he felt he should be made the dysphoria much worse for him. I suggest waiting until he is in a good place mentally w this…💖I say this with the most love and compassion
I’m praying for you both as u navigate this and if you ever want to talk you can pm me . I have lots of resources I’ve found for this both Christian and secular…I’m so sorry u r dealing w this hurt.
DoveGrey’s post has great advice.
These are dangerous times and the spirit of deception is trying to confuse everything.
Your husband needs to fight this, not embrace this. Just like you did when you put away the desire for women and embraced him in marriage. I think this puts you at a significant advantage in this because you have done it and I hope and pray that this experience can help you with him as well. Do not mistake this as me saying it is your responsibility to do so, just that you have experience on how to fight this. And you must. And he must. This must be fought with prayer and will and every bit of strength that you have.
Your husband is a man and he needs to understand that he will never be female no matter how he acts or what he does. Being female for him is not an option despite the lies of the world. Both of you need to pray and ask God to bring you wisdom and strength. Both of you need to pray that everything not from Him leaves you in the name of Jesus. You can’t be supportive – looking at this clearly – it is a thing trying to drag your husband down and you need to fight it. He needs to fight it.
Praying for you both on my knees today.
Wow there is a lot to unpack here, and I can’t begin to understand what you are going through, although I can say I have struggled with some similar thoughts of desire.
My husband and I were best friends for four years, then started dating. After one year he came out to me admitting a struggle with SSA ( same sex attraction), my first thought was “stay” God told me to, and I did, close friends and family supported us ( we were both strong Christians with no sexual past) ironically enough our church told us to break up.
About 6 months after finding out, I was cheated on… not fully sexually( I think some making out)- I don’t really ever want to know the full details, but the sad thing was a long-time friend invited him to hang out….well- that long-time friend ended up being gay, got my husband somewhat drunk, and wanted to take advantage of my husbands now openness of struggling…. personally if I saw the guy today- i wouldn’t know what I would do—- I’m a “ I’ll die for you “ kind of personality- so id probably stare him down and that would be all he would need to run the other way- oddly enough we live in the same city as him ( him and my husband broke off their friendship after the incident as I gave my husband the ultimatum….. I get they have been friends since 2nd grade- but if you want me as your lifelong friend and partner – you’d better make a decision…) anyway not by choice- we just happened to love the same city and find an amazing place that he conveniently lives in… but I’m
Not to concerned…. again… after all that God still said stay, and I trust my husband completely now.
After the incident my husband realized he needed help and began seeking counsel.
4 years later we got married, we are now on our fourth year of marriage, and an amazing marriage might I add ( this is not to make you feel bad but to give you hope). My husband is my best friend- a lot of women don’t get to say that- cause their relationships started out of burning passion- ours
Was more of a slow build ( and don’t get me wrong- we are a pretty couple lol) but our initial attraction to each other was not based on lust- we met when we were 18 and became best friends turned lovers from there.
I’ve watched my husband (boyfriend at the time) struggle with his identity/ at times saying he only felt me as a friend/ opening expressing he didn’t know if he could love me properly/ to transforming completely.
He is not, I repeat, not the same man I started dating. God has grown him into a selfless, righteous, and obedient man…. someone who sacrifices everything for me- and never complains.. in fact most times I feel like I’m the difficult one to deal with :/ with all my emotions and hormones…
I can totally sympathize with you because there were no resources and no one for me to talk to…at the time, he was attending workshops/ groups for men dealing with SSA who didn’t want it- they had support groups for their wives but not for me- you can imagine the years of loneliness and lack of support I felt- all the while thinking maybe I was an idiot with high hopes…. but remember this… God told me to stay….I knew He did, and so I did…
I had no one to turn to-( at the age
Of 23) I remember reading forums on the internet of how someone who was attracted to the same
Sex could never have sex with a different gender… well guess what- they were wrong-
Our sex life had a slow beginning/ it took about a month to get it to work, because like you said- as Christians- we stifled- we were told sex is wrong ( which before marriage yes I agree) but it does something to the psyche that can take a while to rekindle…
Your SSA is very interesting but I commend you for being strong- it sounds like you and my husband have learned to conquer your battles with the same armor then Lord
Has told us to put on, and girl you need to stay strong…. your attraction for his masculinity clearly should show you you were made for a man… so hold onto this-DO NOT Let this twisted world mess with you…
My biggest thing to say here is SATAN….you and your husband both have massive targets on your back- he’s gonna mess with you- and screw with you as much as he can… this while transgender era is just a new way to mess with us…. I remember when this all hit the fan for me-
Listening to a John piper sermon he mentioned how homosexuality can be looked at as satellites being knocked out of orbit, and how we need to reorient.
Has it been hard for me at times? To feel like maybe I’m
Not desired how a man who lusts after a
Woman is desiring her- yes-
Are there times our sex life slowed for a
Few weeks and I thought… welp this is it…
Do I worry that a midlife crisis could cause my life to come
Crashing down one day… sure the thought has crossed my mind a time or two….
But If there is anything I do know- it’s this- God isnt going to keep me in something that is harmful… he brought us together for a reason. So many of our friends, ministry leaders etc has referred to us as a power couple.. I just smile inside now… cause if only they knew just how powerful God was they would get it. If only they knew how many sleepless nights I stayed awake in painful agony over his struggle, if only they saw more than just two creatives who look like we have it all together…. God knew though, and God still delivers us through the valley of the shadow of death every day…
When you think you can’t….
I am so sorry you are going through this. DoveGrey gave excellent advice and I don’t have anything to add except that I will pray for both of you, that God will flood your hearts with Truth and that evil will be thwarted in your lives. I pray that God will place his hedge of protection all around you both, like an invisible sphere of protection–a force field like shield–that is impenetrable by the devil’s schemes. I pray that within that sphere, the Holy Spirit will be free and welcome to speak truth and healing in both your hearts and that His will be done in your lives. I pray that your DH will discover whatever the true need or wound in his spirit has confused his feelings into thinking he wants to be a girl and that he will be able to address that need or wound and put aside this ungodly folly. I pray that you both will draw near to God and that he will give you the desires of your heart according to his will.
I look forward to the day you write in again to say that the Lord has sustained you through all of this and that your marriage with your Godly, masculine husband is better than ever, being steeped in and blessed by the Holy Spirit. 🙂
P.S. I noticed you said you noticed a change since stopping the birth control pill; are you using an alternate method? I certainly understand the desire for children, but the midst of this struggle is not the time to bring them into the world. Please consider postponing any plans for conception, if you have not already done so.
Is it 4 years or 5 that you have been married? Do you belong to a church that you have even considered getting counsel form? What does God’s Word say on the issues that are central in your marriage and why have you not begun to understand them? Your feelings and emotions are important but more important are the heart of the Lord and His Word. How can the Holy Spirit guide you if you do not reflect an understanding of His word?
My heart breaks for you and your situation. Thanks for sharing.
I pray that you will be strong in the Lord and the power of His might. And that by his power you can remain firm in your convictions. And keep from sinning. May God direct your next steps.
It sounds like you are trying to do what you know is right. My wife also has feelings for women, but never acts on them. We have been together for 30 years. Not sure what to say about your husband. You are trying to live what you know is the right think.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is awful and I can only imagine the loneliness, lack of support and no where to go. Prayer and SOLID, CHRISTIAN counseling is a must. There’s no way you can be a supportive wife during this “transition” and the rest of your marriage because he AND your marriage would not be honoring God. I’m not saying get a divorce right now…I am saying, you need help setting healthy boundaries AND try find quality CHRISTIAN counseling to help your husband process what is going on internally and “why now?” AND to help you do the same. Whether or not this will help and stop the mental/emotional issues going on inside of your husband is yet to be determined.
Also, as Duchess mentioned, birth control is a must because bringing a child into this craziness is NOT a wise move.