Husband lusted after my sister
My sister and I went to the gym together.
Afterward we went to my home to get something to eat..
Her midriff was bare and I don’t think she was wearing underwear with her stretch pants.
My husband just got home from work and I thought nothing of it.
However, later on I saw him masturbating. He confessed that he got an erection from lusting after her and he was very ashamed. I told him it was her immodest dress that was to blame.
I confronted my sister about this and she told me I ought to leave him because he obviously can’t control himself. I also talked to some ladies at my church and they agreed with my sister. they said my husband committed adultery according to Matthew 5:28-29 and he had violated our marriage covenant. I also brought up that I had not had sex with him for a few days because of a yeast infection. They said it wasn’t relevant and that I was “excusing rape.”
We still love each other and we have a three-year old son we love. I don’t want to leave my husband and I won’t.
But do they have a point?
Could this indicate something seriously wrong with his character?
It indicates that he’s a sinful human being, as we all are. As the minister of a church I used to be a member of once said, all men struggle with lust, and for many of them it’s lack of opportunity that prevents them committing adultery.
It sounds like he’s confessed his sin and is seeking forgiveness. He needs God’s grace to help him learn self control.
You’re not excusing rape, you’re trying to understand why the man you love did something sinful which has hurt you both. Hopefully by God’s grace you can forgive him and repair your marriage.
There seems to be a lot of overreaction on everyone’s part. He should have better mastered his own thoughts. Your sister sounds like she spoke out of offense (understandable).
The women from your church apparently skipped right past forgiveness, counseling and reconciliation and jumped straight to divorce. So now, your husband cannot be respected at that church anymore, but that seems ok since it doesn’t sound like a very Christ-like environment anyways. Also, “making excuses for rape?” What rape? No rape occurred in your story.
The bottom line is that your husband admitted wrongdoing, and asked forgiveness. The ball is in your court. I recommend finding a church that practices forgiveness and encourages reconciliation before calling for divorce.
I would encourage you to decide now to wait some period of time–24 hours, a week, whatever seems best to you–before sharing anything that has gone on between you with “some ladies at [your] church” whether you stay at this one or find one with a more Christ-minded attitude. (Before you leave, decide whether you are actually being led astray or if God is calling you to lead them back.) As to the situation at hand, it certainly sounds like your husband feels remorse and he has done what God asks in return for His forgiveness–he confessed and repented–so the responsibility lies with you to forgive and move on, helping him avoid that same sin in the future. That help might look like going elsewhere for after-gym snacks if your sister continues to dress in a provocative (at least to your husband) way. I might also gently remind your sister that although she might think a “dump the jerk” attitude is supportive, it is in fact very destructive for you long-term and ask her to refrain from further criticizing him.
My DH once confessed he got an unintentional glimpse down my (younger, more attractive) cousin’s shirt at a family gathering and couldn’t help enjoying the sight of her breasts, though he didn’t dwell on them. We just used it as an opportunity to direct his full attention to my breasts and enjoy the unintentional jump-start to his arousal.
To be clear, what happened here is not rape, not by a long shot. The most liberal definition of rape is nonconsensual penetration of another person with an object or body parts, and this doesn’t come anywhere close to that. It’s frustrating to hear people call something rape when it isn’t. It devalues true accusations, and we have to be careful how we use that word. So I would discount what the ladies said.
He’s a human male. Men tend to be visual creatures. Yes, there were better ways he could have handled this. But he was honest with you when it would have been easy to lie. I agree with David. It sounds like he’s repentant. We all make sinful mistakes. It’s what we do after the sin that counts. That says much more about your husband’s character than the mistake he made.
God’s grace is big enough to cover this, and you have the honor of being the vessel through which God can show His mercy.
Rather than judging him as it sounds like you are being advised to do, I feel it would be better to extend the tenets of the fruit of the Spirit. Open a conversation with him about how you can help him feel sexually satisfied during times that you can’t have intercourse.
1 Corinthians 7:2 tells us that one of the purposes of marriage is to help each other avoid the temptations of lust. My husband and I are very aware of what is tempting to me, and we are careful to take care of my sexual needs during those times. It really helps me avoid temptation. It’s a beautiful thing to have a spouse who can be your go-to in these times of trial.
I sure hope this does not mean there is something seriously wrong with his character, because there would be something seriously wrong with mine also. I am so sorry this happened, but we all sin and we all fall short. That may be demonstrated in many ways; some more serious than others. It sounds like he is remorseful, and the fact that he was honest with you and shared his sin with you speaks volumes. I honestly don’t know if I could do the same.
As for your sister – I get the whole “women should wear what they want and should not be sexualized”, but men are visual. We just can’t help it. Yes, we can train ourselves to divert our eyes, but sometimes yoga pants leave nothing to the imagination. What’s seen is seen.
Lastly, I apologize for being a little pointed, but you have some judgey women at your church. Excusing rape??? Yes, enjoying the sight of another woman to an extreme is considered adultery, but fudging a couple dollars on your tax return is also stealing (see Commandment 8). I said it above, and I will say it again – we ALL have sinned, and we ALL fall short. I hope you both can work through this and move on.
While not to downplay what your husband did, it was hurtful, he confessed..and I’m assuming asked for forgiveness and clearly wants to be in a right relationship with you with his confession. How you respond now will be a critical issue to creating a foundation for intimacy or stifling honesty and emotional intimacy in your marriage.
I’m more concerned about the company/church friends & family you keep. Clearly there is no room in their lives for imperfect people and for error, living in grace and truth, and exercising, grace and forgiveness if they respond so quickly in judgement and encouraging divorce over this. As others have said, no rape occurred, lusting? Yes. But to throw a marriage out for this alone is asinine and I believe, unbiblical.
Duchess had a great idea about sitting on things before talking to these people…but I’d add, drop them as wise counselors. If you are that shaken or believe your marriage needs some work, go find a QUALIFIED, TRAINED and CERTIFIED CHRISTIAN counselor who can help you both address issues in how you relate to one another but no counselor worth their salt, certainly not a Christian counselor would lead & advise you to dump your husband over this alone.
Where is love? Where is the fruit of the spirit? Where is for better or worse? Jesus said, “let him who has not sinned cast the first stone”. These “friends” are legalistic Pharisees…and shouldn’t be sought out for advice…and you need to protect your heart from your sister and any family that would choose to bash or castigate him. He’s your husband and this is part of the “for better or WORSE” part. Set boundaries and make sure you’re available. This is God’s plan and design as DoveGray wrote.
I’ve come home to my wife on multiple occasions and have asked to see my wife’s breasts or make love due to someone/something I’ve seen while out. She is also sensitive to our lovemaking or lack of, and on the occasion she’s had infections or our schedules haven’t worked out well for long lvemaking, so she’ll offer a HJ, BJ, or other opportunity for sexual release. All these things HELP me keep my focus at home (not suggesting or saying you haven’t), then it’s up to me to guard my heart and mind.
Do not share personal information with those who are not able to wisely, that is biblical discern what is at hand. The pooling of ignorance will do you no good. Your sister’s pretense in defending herself as the victim is of no value. You would be wiser to travel home from the gym the next time and tell you sister to sit in the car while go get her a drink or a pair of sweat pants. Its your job to protect your husband, do it!