Husband of a fatherless daughter
My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She grew up without a father and went down the path so many of those girls do looking for love and acceptance. We began have sexual problems soon after our marriage. I don’t know how to explain it. It was almost as if once we were married she felt’safe’ and didn’t feel she had to perform to be loved. Being the mature 24 year old I was, that didn’t go too well. We went through many phases and problems. Counseling and cajoling. All of which not surprisingly, did no good. She feels guilt for what she did saying she messed up our marriage. I blamed her for many years because I felt she didn’t think I was enough. So I believe now it all boils down to not having a father as the root cause. I’m sure she will need to heal from other things but I believe this is the foundation. I want her to forgive herself and I want to support her. I am trying to make sure I step back so it doesn’t seem like I’m pushing. I want this for us but more than that, I want it for her. Are there resources out there for husbands of fatherless daughter?
Thank you all
I don’t necessarily have a specific book or resource, but I do truly believe healing will come to her when she can see, understand and believe the Father heart of God. And this is for any of us who have “daddy wounds”.
This link is a list of many Scriptures she can begin with to start reading and understanding the Father heart of God.
Also, while we can’t change yesterday, we can change today. I think you need to be mindful that you are the major male figure and influence in your wife’s life now. Provide the support that she needs, and be that example of a man that she missed out on having.
Another thought is that when couples are or have been in chaos, sometimes you just need a “start fresh” plan. From the male perspective I think this begins with taking responsibility and being accountable for the things we did wrong, things that honestly, may have led to our wives doing wrong as well. We are called to steer marriage in the right direction, so it is really on us when we fail and it does not go in the right direction. I think about the statement you made above where you say she feels guilt for what she did – you may be able to take that burden from her by ultimately taking responsibility for it. You can also tell her that you have fully forgiven the things of the past and that you have forgotten them and that that she should too – that ultimately your goal is to move forward in blessing with her because you love her and she is important to you.
Agree with SD’s start over plan. My husband and I had to do that after my mental health diagnosis. We realized that we were just rehashing things that we could not go back and change. Most of our issues were because of my undiagnosed illness and my resulting lack of self awareness, or because he reacted in the wrong way to an anxious depressive before he knew what he was dealing with. Like your situation, these were things that were out of our control.
We agreed, after counseling and getting some big things off our chests that had to be dealt with, to start fresh. No more blaming or guilt from anything past that date. It’s not always easy. I sometimes have to remind myself that love does not keep a record of past wrongs. And I recommend doing this only with a licensed therapist who is a good match for you, because some issues must be hashed out first or they will fester. It’s been a blessing to us, however, and well worth it.
Thank you all for the comments. I try not to let myself give up. This will not heal itself without some serious help and I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I am angry that this part of our relationship has been stolen from us. I am sad that this part of our relationship is over even though it never really was. Really, I just don’t know how to handle it. I’m not leaving her or wanting a divorce. There is more to us than sex, but I have to stuff part of me away to be able to deal with it. The hope of one day it will be better was always there because I just see things that way, but I have to be honest with myself and know it probably will never be. But there is always a chance. See? There I go again.
I am praying for you and your wife today.
Doing nothing will be no growth and no change. The first thing you need to do is pray and ask God to give you wisdom and direction, to give you patience and strength. You need to stay plugged into Him on this daily. I think it begins with honestly, and it is tough. Show her this thread if communication is difficult, she should see the love you have for her in it, and also your pain. At some point she needs to know the hurt you are going through and work on things. Be active in working on this. I disagree completely that healing and growth are going to occur by you just enduring it, or that you are being noble for doing so. You are noble for being patient, but you are not being noble for accepting and giving up. You can lead your marriage into a better place. You don’t have to leave her to be honest with her, and if she gets mad, then let her have her feelings and you keep control of yours. You have to keep your eye/heart on the big picture and remain calm even in the midst of the storm. I don’t think a breakthrough will come from the father or the past, I think it will come by growing something new and good between you both. I am very big on the idea of scheduling sex, especially in situations where it isn’t happening routinely. Explain to her that you would like to have something happen in this department once a week, even if it is simple. Even if she is reluctant at first, so long as she is willing, she may come to find that it isn’t what she thinks it is or fears and she may grow.
My wife’s Dad left her and her mother when she was 7 years old, her parents had 8 kids and my wife the youngest. It left them without money, security, fear and love from a Dad who didn’t care said he would come by take her out to dinner, ice cream, he said he would teach her to drive a car, never did all to just be disappointed and not felt loved. A Godly woman knew the family and knew what she would face, became a friend to hear and warned her, not to fall for the first guy, keep herself pure till her marriage night. And she did, l married her and was virgins on our wedding night. We had difficulty in marriage and the marriage bed, but one thing we always tell each other is That God #1 FORGIVES #2 GOD FORGETS! Here is what we need to do! Ask God to forgive us, and then WE NEED TO FORGIVE OURSELVES! Philippians 3 :11-14 KJV 1611 putting it behind us. Here is an idea that might help her, if you need to get a box, paper and right down all the sins of the past, regrets, ect put it in the box, tape it up! Ask God to forgive you of all those, sins and bury it , toss it in a lake, with a brick inside, get rid of them and tell each other, you’ll never bring it up again, it over, forgive, it’s gone , over with, and you can say that because of 1 John 1:7 and vs 9 KJV1611
She needs to get to the place she forgives herself and not ket the devil bring it up to discourage her, when the Devil brings up the past She can say, yes but Praise God I’m forgiven by the Blood of Jesus and she can remind the Devil of his Future!! Loom up a song called “What sins are you talking about” Goid song for you both to know! God Bless you both!
I am angry that this part of our relationship has been stolen from us.
The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.” Joel 2:25, NLT
If she is a very visual person, you might try this exercise: get a simple outline drawing of a locust or similar bug, make a bunch of copies, and write on them things that need to be let go of, the things that stole your good relationship. Take positive steps to destroy each “bug” that are specific to whatever is on it–nothing too in-depth so as not to get too dragged down in it. You imply premarital promiscuity as a currency to buy her the security and acceptance and love that she did not receive from her father. Maybe one paper bug would have a name of a guy you feel is between you (consider whether you still hold any of that against her subconsciously; if you haven’t completely worked through your own feelings, she could sense blame–however unintentional–coming from you). Spend some time praying earnestly for that man, for every aspect of his life, and specifically for the Lord to dissolve the bond that was formed between him and your wife. Praying for him overrides any feelings of resentment you harbor toward him and praying for the bond to be dissolved acknowledges that her premarital sexual relationship with someone else is standing between you and that you both desire to remove that barrier. Finish by praying for the Lord to strengthen your own bond and to give you a heart for Him and for each other. For each little thing that you feel qualifies as a hopping locust, or a stripping locust, or a cutting locust (I think God listed three kinds because trouble is never just one thing) figure out what you can pray specifically to address it and if there is obvious follow through (a quick note of apology or ceremonial burning of mementos of hurt) do that asap.
Maybe that’s not your cup of tea at all, but I could see that helping me.
Praying for you.