Husband’s Low Drive Is Leaving Me Unsatisfied
Hi, this is kind of long, but…
My husband and I are a few years into our marriage. my husband is a good bit older than me. He takes testosterone, which has helped him in a lot of ways, but I am finding myself very unsatisfied in our sex life still.
My drive is much greater than his… We have sex maybe once a week, but we go sometimes 2-3 weeks in between having sex, but not because I don’t want to… More the other way around. When I address it, he typically says it’s cause he’s so tired or that it doesn’t feel as good when there is more frequency. It makes it feel very one-sided – like his needs are more important than mine. I don’t know how to communicate how I’m feeling.
On top of that, I have never had an orgasm during intercourse together…and I don’t even know if he has noticed. He doesn’t ask any questions… I give OS, but it’s never returned. And every time we have sex it’s exactly the same. Usually happens when we are about to fall asleep, or maybe while watching TV in bed. I never know when it’s coming cause we don’t communicate it – he decides he wants to and it’s happening. When I try to be sexy and initiate, it’s usually met with being annoyed at me trying to touch him and made into a joke or something.
I don’t believe that my husband doesn’t care at all, but there’s no communication with the exception of us both pointing out how he usually finishes so quickly (probably due to it being so long in between sessions)
I feel really alone in this paradigm as it’s usually the other way around with the wife not having much of a desire. I am still uncomfortable about speaking up. I don’t know if it will be received well. I feel like it will hurt his ego more than anything and we won’t really find a solution. Help…
I’m the higher drive wife, always have been and we’ll have our 25th wedding anniversary next month, so I know your story.
I reached perimenopause a few years ago. My hormones were cray cray, and my high drive went into overdrive. Under such physical pressure to get my sexual needs satisfied, I started reading and researching everything I could. I found this place. I found out about the Sex Starved Marriage. I realized how wrong things had been.
I realized how I was responsible as much as my DH.
We did not understand or apply I Corinthians 7:3-5. We didn’t work the bible as it applies to sex in marriage. Song of Solomon is in the bible for a reason, and we ignored it.
Since this is a Christian board about sex in marriage, do you understand what God says about sex?
Well, I really didn’t, and I am ashamed. Lack of knowledge that was easily available to me I failed to read , work in my heart and head, and then apply.
Once I understood what God intended, I shared that knowledge with my husband. It didn’t create more desire on his part, but it allowed me to voice my needs and I expected him to want to meet my needs in a cheerful loving manner. Overall I have to say that he does.
But knowing he desires me (or sex) a heck of a lot less than I desire him, well, it sucks. It just flat out sucks. That part will never truly change, and I occasionally grieve over it. That’s just how it is.
It’s hard on either spouse that feels undesired, but I think women have a more difficult time because we are supposed to be sought after, fought for and pursued. And that just doesn’t happen in the higher drive wife’s world.
J Parker is amazing. I’m a member of her Hot Holy and Humorous HD Wives group. It helps.
There are also several other resources available, articles and blogs.
But all of that just told you what you probably already knew. It’s a complicated dynamic, and you aren’t actually alone. And there are resources available to help the thinking and feeling part of this situation that causes you hurt.
As far as your immediate concern, I suggest that you need to have a frank discussion with your husband.
Be open and vulnerable, but verbally express your needs. Part of what you may consider as ‘wants’ actually fall into the ‘needs’ category. Your needs should be met by your DH in the marriage bed. Your sexual needs should be satisfied. You are not being greedy or demanding by wanting sexual fulfillment by your spouse, you should expect it. It is reasonable to assume that a loving husband would want to fulfill his wife, and make the attempt to do so.
I recommend approaching your husband with humility, vulnerability and grace with the attitude that although this is a difficult and awkward topic, you will work together as a team so that you are not left feeling hungry.
Don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid.
If you know God’s intent in the marriage bed, and if you have a loving husband, then you need to talk about this issue.
Let me know if you would like links to any of those articles/blogs on the higher drive wife.
But none of those articles will help you solve the problem until you speak with your husband.
Did you know that J. Parker from Hot, Holy, & Humorous has a private group for the higher drive wives? She has experience in this area so I know she writes about this very topic more than many other bloggers. You could check out her Facebook page and/or her blog.
Welcome to TMB. I’m saddened to hear of your difficult situation. Please don’t be discouraged or think that there is something wrong with you! You can have a bright future together!
As you have noted, you both need to work on communicating more and more effectively. Is there a time that you can talk easily? Like away from the TV? On a walk or during a drive? Perhaps you can set the stage by initiating such times.
If he is often too tired to have sex, have you tried morning sex?
Communication is key in a marriage. If you are having a hard time communicating your desires to your husband maybe use your post as a template to write out your feelings and guide a discussion with him.
Practical ideas to increase frequency include
1. Scheduling sex. If sex is scheduled neither of you would feel blindsided or wondering when the next encounter would happen.
2. More initiation on your part. Don’t feel that you have to wait for him to express your desire for intimacy. If he continues to be dismissive inform him how hurtful his rejection is to you.
3. More “quickies” for you. I have issues with low B12 and fatigue so I understand his feelings of tiredness. If his energy level is low have him manually stimulate you, hold a vibrator, or use a position like woman on top that has the majority of energy expenditure on the woman.
I’m sorry what we always assume will be so effortlessly wonderful is turning out to be such a challenge for you. You are in the right place! There are so many wise and caring people here who will have good advice and information for you. We have had a long spell of my DH (who is not that much older than I) being overworked and over tired and generally not having as much, well, we’ll say follow-through, since he assures me he has interest in sex. (Either way, I’m not getting as much as I’d like.) It seems like our situations are a little different in that we are being affected by outside circumstances and you seem to indicate that it is mostly your husband’s apathy toward the subject, but two things that have helped us are: 1-be sure to do as much snuggling and non-sexual touch as you can. I sleep naked and even though he doesn’t, it feels good when he wraps his arms around me in bed. And 2-try to shower together routinely. My DH was seeing me undressed all the time while changing clothes or at bedtime, but something about being naked at the same time with running water and soap takes it up a notch for him and puts him in the mood where routine nakedness did not always do so.
I am praying that you will be able to communicate with your husband and come into a new level of intimacy, both drawing closer to God as you dig into his design for marriage and the marriage bed. I pray that God will flood your DH with testosterone and an insistent desire to join with you sexually that won’t leave his mind or give him any peace. I pray that he will even become so engrossed in his desire for you that he will be distracted from other things and prefer ML to all other pastimes. Whatever God’s will is for your MB, I pray that the enemy will get out of the way and let God’s plans come to full fruition. I pray that God’s answer to your prayers will satisfy the desires of your heart and give you perfect joy in Christ.
By the way, Welcome!