I always assumed MB was only appealing as a substitute when actual sex wasn’t available?

    SC’s question about Prolactin and comments under it got me thinking about MB. I know my DH did before we married, primarily because we would kiss and cuddle and get all worked up and then he needed to release the pressure valve, so to speak. Once we were married, he only did when we were unable for some reason to enjoy each other.

    My question is this: do men actually still do that for its own sake, even when actual sex is available? It sometimes sounds like that is something they still crave, even when they have the alternative option of having sex with their wife.

    I am curious to understand this.

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    18 Answer(s)

      I think most men would take sex with their wife over masturbation if they have the opportunity to have sex. But most men have a higher sex drive than their wife and sometimes feel like they are being a burden on their wife asking for more sex and maybe embarrassed how often their need is, so they take matters in their own hand.

      Most young males are horny and get in a habit of masturbating before the are married. After they are married, unless their wife is really sexual, there is going to be a mismatch of how often the husband is going to want sex and how much their wife is willing to give. If they don’t masturbate, some frustration builds, they are wondering, when ARE we going to have sex. To get rid of that frustration, they masturbate. Most wife’s don’t realize how frustrated their husband gets when they don’t have sex for a few days.

      It is difficult for young couples to communicate sometimes, but as we get older, it can get easier for some people, but not all. And masturbation is not always easy to talk about either. There is nothing wrong with relieving yourself occasionally, especially if you work apart, work different times etc. , but I think it should be done with the other’s approval and knowledge, not a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

      If it is struggle most men deal with whether they discuss it with you or not. Masturbation feels good of course! But it can take away how they feel about their spouse, time they spend with them etc. As difficult as it is, I think the best way to handle this is to discuss it and agree on what is acceptable and what is not. Also, most males do it partly out of habit, partly of being horny. The habit part is what needs to stop after you are married. If you are truly horny and your wife is not up to sex, I think it is ok to relief the frustration as long as the wife knows about it.

      As as wife, if you are not as sexual as your husband, just turning him down or hoping he doesn’t bring up wanting sex only makes it worse. The best way to handle this is make sure your husband is on your schedule and commit to sex at least a couple of times a week, maybe even on the same days. At least then, he KNOWS when he is going to get sex again. That goes along way to help him not want to masturbate if he knows sex is going to happen tomorrow, day after etc. It is the not knowing that makes it difficult.

      Discussing it, agreeing on what is acceptable and let your husband know how often sex is available and when would be a huge thing. For the husband, he needs to commit to not masturbate out of habit, but only do it when you are truly horny. Having a wife that is understanding about his struggle is a huge step.

      Hope this all makes sense!

      On the floor Answered on June 17, 2020.

      My wife believes that if she is not in the mood, sick or angry, that I have an ability to just shut off my sexual desire and therefore I’m perfectly fine. If she is angry from something I did, its my fault and I need to be better at not making her angry.

      Also when she is not in the mood, claims its me and that I am not being nice to her OR not nice to the children, (a crime to her)

      on June 18, 2020.

      @CJ,  I see an immaturity in your wife.   I believed like that when I was younger and in our earlier years of marriage, but I “grew up”.  It shows an ignorance (I don’t use that word in a derogatory way, but in a literal way…. a lack of knowledge.)   A person has to have an openness to learn which needs to follow with a willingness to change once they have gained new knowledge.  Then a person matures.

      on June 19, 2020.

      Ron your comments are amazing honest, real and life lasting .  At an early part of our marriage I realized his drive was intense.  Once I understood that, I started and to, and to this day (will celebrate  our 31st anniversary this fall) encourage him to self pleasure (masterbate)   …. only thing I ask is when he does …. please do it while next to me(sleeping or awake)   That way I can either watch or know he is in a happy place.  This makes both of us happy, released and content.

      on June 20, 2020.

      Liverr, that is awesome! I think a lot of men are embarrassed to talk to their wife about and a lot of wive’s might rather not know about it.

      You sound very understanding.  We stopped doing sex “just for me” many years ago, wife didn’t like doing it and I didn’t like taking it that way. Basically, it was just using her vagina to masturbate.  We have full sex when we BOTH want it. I can masturbate if I really need to, but only after asking the wife if she wants sex first. I never hide it and never do it without her knowledge.  Sounds like you have a similar system!

      on June 20, 2020.
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        I do not….with the exception of when we are apart due to work and then it depends on how long we might be apart. I don’t want Mb to rob us of passionate sex when we come together again.

        There has been the temptation and desire to Mb when DW & I got sideways a few times but I have always chosen to say no and use my sex drive to drive me towards figuring things out with my wife.

        Under the stars Answered on June 17, 2020.
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          During the years DW was refusing and gatekeeping, I would mb occasionally. But since she her awakening, I only do it when I’m on a trip – with her encouragement for me to do it.

          I would much rather have sex  with DW than mb alone. I felt that way in the past too. It just seems that much wholesome to me.

          Under the stars Answered on June 17, 2020.
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            My DH would much rather have sex with me than mb. He only does so, at my suggestion, if during a busy season he is out late every night for too long. He will only do it for the sake of maintenance. It isn’t satisfying for him.

            Under the stars Answered on June 17, 2020.
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              At this point usually just for convenience if we haven’t ML in a couple of days and I haven’t gotten a HJ instead. DW is usually open to at least a HJ or using a toy on me even if she doesn’t feel like PIV. On the rare occasion she isn’t feeling well or is super tired by bedtime and I feel like I need a release to avoid it keeping me awake, I’ll MB for the release. I much prefer PIV or a HJ or BJ.

              Then there are times we do mutual MB for fun, because I enjoy watching her and seeing her full body better than I usually can see during normal sex.

              California King Answered on June 18, 2020.
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                Yes, depending on your definition of available.

                My wife would say she is always available, but there are often times it’s not going to very enjoyable because she’s not really interested. These times have resulted in our worst sexual experiences. When I was younger it didn’t matter, but I can now not reach O if she’s just going to lay there making herself available. This leaves her feeling awful(last time she ended up in tears) and us less connected. We are working on improving this, but it’s been painfully slow. It’s awful easy to take care of yourself by imagining the DW being enthusiastic, vocal, and orgasmic.

                Fell out of ... Answered on June 17, 2020.
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                  Tim, your exact description is why we quit doing sex just for me, she didn’t really enjoy doing it and I didn’t like getting it that way. If I really need some sex, but wife is not in to it and doesn’t want to get all worked up,  I’ll masturbate with her beside me. I know some men wouldn’t like that, thinking, “really, no sex”, but it works ok for us. She doesn’t have to have sex when she doesn’t wan it, but still can help me be sexual.

                  On the floor Answered on June 17, 2020.
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                    If DW’s drive matched mine, I think I still would want to mb, probably just not as often. DW isn’t all that into a lot of variety, so for me, masturbation adds just a little bit of variety into our marriage bed.

                    Fell out of ... Answered on June 17, 2020.
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                      At times I use it for experimentation so I can direct my wife with things I have found enjoyable. At other times it is for release as she is generally two and through for the week even though she knows I am HD and need more. Rarely do we ML three times in a week, so in that case to your question @Duchess, it isn’t necessarily always available. I would also say in answer to your other question/point, for some men, and I’ll include myself, there is that yearning for some additional attention. I wouldn’t call it a craving for me because to me that sounds like an obsession where I just have to get alone to M or I’ll go crazy. I am also not secretive about it where I keep it from my wife and neither is it with pornography or other such related fantasy like thinking about sex with someone not my wife or having a threesome, etc.

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on June 18, 2020.
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                        If my wife’s “unavailable”, I don’t masturbate. I wait until she’s available again.  Men can survive and won’t die without semen release.

                        On the floor Answered on June 18, 2020.

                        This is true, I learned that after many years.  I used to masturbate often during my wife’s period, she didn’t want sex and didn’t want to do anything sexual. We had a deal, the ONLY time I would is during her period.  Later years though, I felt guilty, she wasn’t feeling well and I was pleasuring myself. I guess it made me feel bad, so I stopped. It wasn’t easy the first few times, but I have survived.

                        on June 18, 2020.
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