I am just wondering about a common fantasy men have

    About watching their wives have sex with another man. This isn’t under the heading of if it’s a sin or not, we all know it is and falls under Fantasy but i just would like to know why. I know my H does not have that fantasy and i certainly don’t have one of seeing him with another woman. I most definitely have fantasies of my own so i’m not judging but honestly would like to know!

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    18 Answer(s)

      As a man who has had this fantasy about DW, I’m not sure why and can only speculate. I will also disclaimer this answer that I only had this fantasy while I had a porn addiction, and it’s gone away since kicking the porn. In fact, this fantasy really worried me and was probably one of the motivating factors for kicking the porn. So if anyone still struggles with this fantasy or may be triggered by descriptions of it, you may want to skip my comment as there as some details involved.

      I think for me, I wanted to see several things: (a) a more sexually enthusiastic wife, (b) a more primal wife that does things that my real DW won’t do, (c) my wife have sex in the 3rd person [we’ve never used mirrors or video], and (d) my wife orgasm. I will discuss each below:

      (a) My wife has shown little/no enthusiasm for years.  I know it’s in her–I saw it in the past and will see glimpses here and there of it. In my fantasies, it was never against her will but something she did willingly, usually with me helping out. By its very nature, the out-there-ness of an action like this would be more enthusiastic than we seemed to have at the time. The porn really contributed to this, because scenes supposedly depicting this sort of thing had tons of “enthusiasm”, at least from the female.

      (b) My wife is very vanilla by most peoples’ standards (though hardly any more vanilla than me IRL). This was before I knew/understood about responsive desire, so I really wanted to see my wife just crave sexual acts, even dirty ones. She had specifically told me that she didn’t like me using the word “crave” with respect to me, because she simply did not do any craving. So I wanted to see that. Things like OS on another guy (since she gave that up on me years ago), two guys at once, AS (never even on the table for us), or really large penises that might hurt her. Honestly, just got aroused about her wanting things that were wrong, degrading, or potentially painful. Related to this are fantasies I still sometimes struggle with–her with me, but doing things she won’t do such as her desiring OS, letting me ejaculate on her face/mouth, or just jumping me and coming at me like a nympho. These often take the form of modified memories of past reality, where I ejaculate on her face instead her chest, or end have having sex instead of just “fooling around” before we were married. Again, this desire for a “craving” wife is related to porn, which purportedly depicts women desiring these kinds of things.

      (c) This is relatively straightforward, I want to see my wife at all angles/distances while she’s having sex. Even though my favorite porn tended to be from 1st person point of view, I still saw videos showing all sorts of angles/distances that you don’t get through your eyes (even with mirrors!) What can I say, I wanted to see my wife like that–especially with things in doggy, our favorite position. I still do honestly–I’d love to see her face when she O’s in doggy PIV+vibe.

      (d) At the time, my wife had never had an orgasm (other than nocturnal ones). She still hasn’t without a vibrator. I really blamed myself for this: not enough skill, penis too small, not lasting long enough, her not being attracted to me enough, etc. In my fantasies, she would always get more physical pleasure from the other men than I could ever give her (even though in some ways she was doing it for me, if that makes sense). With learning more about women in general as well as specific talks with DW, I blame myself less for the lack of O now than I used to. And it helps that she can O now thanks to us getting a vibe.

      I hope this description isn’t too graphic or horrific. I promise you I’m not a monster, but ditching the porn and confessing about it to my wife changed my life and was huge for our relationship. I’m not proud of the above fantasies, but they’re largely gone now. Frankly, its a bit humiliating to even type this up. Overall, I hope you can get some understanding from the above.

      King bed Answered on October 20, 2019.

      Thank you, Scott. Not horrific at all. My fantasies are not that but although i don’t think hugely sinful, are kind of kinky i guess and kind of weird. I may share it or may not as i’m embarrassed and the reason why i have the certain fantasy i am trying to understand. I did share it privately with a fellow sister and she didn’t make me feel like a worm!

      on October 20, 2019.

      Don’t most of us have a part of us we would rather not share…. whether it’s a fantasy or something else? I have had a fantasy (which I hate calling it that) that I had never told a soul until I found TMB. I have since told it to a number of people I can count on one hand, all from TMB with the exception of my husband. Seeking out the root of that desire was a HUGE help and made it make sense to me. It also lost its power with my understanding of it and how it relates to a deeper need. It’s amazing how deviant we can feel by how our needs manifest themselves in certain desires.

      on October 20, 2019.

      PS- I agree, not horrific at all, but refreshingly honest.

      on October 21, 2019.

      Thanks for the encouragement/kind words ladies. There were times I felt like a monster back then…having fantasies like this, watching porn, and mistakenly thinking I was “forcing” myself on my wife who not attracted to me and only giving me duty sex (I didn’t understand her responsive desire and that she enjoyed what we did even though it was like pulling teeth to get her started). Fantasies are okay when not sinful and can even be helpful.

      on October 21, 2019.
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        I agree with hungry.
        Christ cares about the content of our hearts and our thoughts. (Matthew 5:28, Romans 12:1-2).
        If the action is sinful in real life, how can we justify fantasizing about it? Certainly, the initial desire is not sinful. However, if we nurture that desire and dwell upon it and long after it it has become sinful.
        We are to be renewed in our minds. Our thoughts ought to honor Christ, whose Spirit lives in us. I can’t imagine the holy spirit being ok with dwelling inside a vessel lusting after sin.
        Christ loves us deeply, as His Bride, we should desire to be sure and holy for him.

        Queen bed Answered on October 21, 2019.
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          I read the article in the link that Duchess shared. I had no idea just how popular this fantasy is. I do see why, and I’m sure very few would ever act on it. The question arises of whether such fantasies are wrong and sinful if they are never acted upon. I know that I do have thoughts that are not only sinful when acted upon. They are in fact sin. I don’t think this thread should come to a close without a word to challenge all of us to look to God and ask Him to renew our minds. I fail in this department time and time again. We are influenced by the world we live in, and it’s hard to keep our minds pure, but the Bible teaches it. When we allow evil into our hearts, that will be the result. What goes in is what comes out. I have lacked at this in recent years but I know I need to return to previous convictions and behaviour. The pull of the world is strong, and threatens to sweep us all away with it.

          2 Corinthians 10:5
          We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

          Matthew 12:35
          The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.

          Hammock Answered on October 21, 2019.

          It’s a good challenge! A filter, according to Juli Slattery and Linda Dillow, that can be used to know what God allows in the bedroom are 3 questions:

          1) Does God allow it? (There are 10 clear sexual “no’s” in Scripture.)

          2) Is it good for us? (Is it beneficial and constructive? That’s a personal question to be explored.)

          3) Is it only us? (This is where fantasies fall in, along with porn, emotional attachment with another, steamy romance novels (their words), etc, the ‘only us’ isn’t just physical, but mental as well, because it does effect our one-flesh union.)

          on October 21, 2019.

          This is exactly it, Hungry. I was going to post another thread on it but hopefully all will read what you said. I am wondering about TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE and that means fantasies in my mind. It is very hard because i fantasize to get myself there (for some reason women really have to concentrate) and while i don’t think it’s particularly sinful, it is probably not edifying at all 🙁

          on October 21, 2019.

          I think it would be a great topic for a thread!  I know Duchess mentioned potentially asking a question around this idea in her latest poll on movies.

          on October 21, 2019.
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            I did some reading on this when my DH confessed (with much embarrassment and shame, yet clearly also with arousal) that he shares this fantasy. The article I’m linking covers most of what I found, but left out the biggest one (or at least the surface one) for my DH:  the simple imagined visual of watching his wife engaged in sex. Probably some of the others noted apply and he doesn’t realize it, but I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t accept everything I read in Psychology Today indiscriminately, but I believe (other than the one missing piece) they have a pretty good summary in this case.

            https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-common

            Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 20, 2019.

            Thank you Duchess.  Oddly enough it would probably arouse me too if H shared that with me as i think he may be kind of vanilla or not confess that although that would never happen IRL.  Which leads me to a question which i may post separately or some may want to answer here….if one  has a clearly immoral or sinful fantasy….shouldn’t that be “cast down” like every other vain imagination? I freely admit to using fantasy to get myself over the edge of orgasm with my husband although i don’t know if my fantasy is sinful but it isn’t pure that is for sure…..i don’t pass judgement on fantasies but also as Christians first and foremost i really have to wonder if we should even entertain these things.

            Also i do know that porn is an extension of the human sexual imagination but that doesn’t make it right, especially since it is sinful and that is where a lot of these fantasies are coming from (i freely admit i have watched it more than my husband and feel awful about it).

            on October 20, 2019.

            Could the difference be what is the intent of sharing the fantasy, or how we are using it? Are we trying to titillate and stir arousal and lust in our spouse or our marriage, or are bringing to light what’s been in the darkness, in search for freedom?

            on October 20, 2019.
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              @Scott, I am glad you shared.  You are not alone, because I recall others sharing this same desire on the old TMB.  They shared the same basic reasoning.  I had figured if no man was willing to share, I would pipe in with what I had learned from listening to these other husbands.

              I know you feel like porn is the root behind this, and maybe it is, but I also believe that the root of whatever it is that causes us to seek out porn or certain fantasies, are actually needs and desires already within us.  I was desiring things long before any exposure to anything like porn, it was more like my own desires is what determined what type of porn I might seek out later on in life.  There’s nothing new under the sun, and perversions of God’s creation was happening LONG before we had the technology we do today.  The root problem isn’t porn, that’s just where some run to find a false comfort, that’s where some go to seek to fill an emptiness and longing they have in the depths of their soul.  Others might run to food, drugs, alcohol, other relationships, religions, and we could go on and on.

              Under the stars Answered on October 20, 2019.

              Thanks for your thoughts SC. I agree that it is not all directly tied to porn, but it is hard to disentangle some of these things; I am still trying to figure out what things are truly my desires and what were just arousing images that I don’t really want. One thing that I didn’t mention in my wall of text was that (around the time I dumped porn) I read a disastrous account of a first-time swinging from a male perspective. It had been on Reddit but moved to a blog. It may have been fake (and essentially erotica), but reading it made me want to vomit, and I was shaky and nauseous for hours afterward. Not that I ever truly would have shared my wife like that, even if she had asked, but it was enough of a wakeup call that I was terrified of the thought after encountering that story.

              on October 21, 2019.

              I think there are many “fantasies” that most of us, when truly thought through, would not want them to happen…. for example, a woman’s “rape” fantasy.   This is why digging to the true desire and the root behind it is so important.  What is a husband truly desiring when he fantasizes about his wife with another man?  What’s a woman truly desiring when she fantasizes about rape?  Why might one desire to “exhibit” themselves?  When we can figure out what the true need or desire is, then we can find other ways to fulfill it, that is God honoring in our marriage or life.

              on October 21, 2019.

              The article addressed this to some degree where it mentioned that these types of fantasies are tightly controlled scenarios wherein any and all other players behave exactly as we would want them to, as opposed to a real life experience where no one ever does. Maybe noticing how the other players in one’s fantasy behave can give insight on the root need that produces it?

              on October 22, 2019.
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                I’m not sure I’d call it a fantasy because I’m certain I don’t want it to happen. However, I’ve imagined what my wife would look/act like when having sex with someone else. Scott’s list above applies to me as well and I don’t think porn has much to do with it for me.
                I want her to be enthusiastic, really want/crave it, and have orgasms from PIV. None of which she does with me, so it seems somewhat natural to picture her with some nameless, faceless guy who can get her to do those things.

                Double bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                  I have never had that fantasy. In fact, I hadn’t even know of such a thing until I read it on the old boards. But from what others have write above, I understand why it might be a fantasy for some.

                  Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                    This is not, never has been, a fantasy of mine. The Psychology Today article mentions that husbands are turned on by their wife’s intense sexual arousal. That’s true for me. Nothing ramps me up more than imagining  Mrs. Oldbear in the throes of her self-pleasuring as she brings herself to a mind blowing orgasm (which she does and shares about it with me).

                    Fell out of ... Answered on October 24, 2019.

                    right. There’s other ways of getting at this desire that don’t involve bringing another person into the marriage bed (fantasy or otherwise).

                    on October 27, 2019.
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                      Definitely not a thing for me., and I don’t think I have ever even thought about it till reading this post. I suppose I can understand the reasons that have been given so far, but that doesn’t make the idea any more enticing.

                      I would be thrilled to watch her, alone, but not with another man, and to be totally honest, my porn history mirrors that. As SC pointed out, the desire
                      subconscious desire probably drives the fantasy, and that played out in the porn I generally sought out.

                      California King Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                        I can’t say I personally have had this particular fantasy, though i certainly have other ones that would be equally as sinful if they were carried out IRL. And yes, I do agree that the porn we watch if often a reflection of our inmost desires, or some perverted version of them.

                        California King Answered on October 20, 2019.
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