I am just wondering about a common fantasy men have
About watching their wives have sex with another man. This isn’t under the heading of if it’s a sin or not, we all know it is and falls under Fantasy but i just would like to know why. I know my H does not have that fantasy and i certainly don’t have one of seeing him with another woman. I most definitely have fantasies of my own so i’m not judging but honestly would like to know!
As a man who has had this fantasy about DW, I’m not sure why and can only speculate. I will also disclaimer this answer that I only had this fantasy while I had a porn addiction, and it’s gone away since kicking the porn. In fact, this fantasy really worried me and was probably one of the motivating factors for kicking the porn. So if anyone still struggles with this fantasy or may be triggered by descriptions of it, you may want to skip my comment as there as some details involved.
I think for me, I wanted to see several things: (a) a more sexually enthusiastic wife, (b) a more primal wife that does things that my real DW won’t do, (c) my wife have sex in the 3rd person [we’ve never used mirrors or video], and (d) my wife orgasm. I will discuss each below:
(a) My wife has shown little/no enthusiasm for years. I know it’s in her–I saw it in the past and will see glimpses here and there of it. In my fantasies, it was never against her will but something she did willingly, usually with me helping out. By its very nature, the out-there-ness of an action like this would be more enthusiastic than we seemed to have at the time. The porn really contributed to this, because scenes supposedly depicting this sort of thing had tons of “enthusiasm”, at least from the female.
(b) My wife is very vanilla by most peoples’ standards (though hardly any more vanilla than me IRL). This was before I knew/understood about responsive desire, so I really wanted to see my wife just crave sexual acts, even dirty ones. She had specifically told me that she didn’t like me using the word “crave” with respect to me, because she simply did not do any craving. So I wanted to see that. Things like OS on another guy (since she gave that up on me years ago), two guys at once, AS (never even on the table for us), or really large penises that might hurt her. Honestly, just got aroused about her wanting things that were wrong, degrading, or potentially painful. Related to this are fantasies I still sometimes struggle with–her with me, but doing things she won’t do such as her desiring OS, letting me ejaculate on her face/mouth, or just jumping me and coming at me like a nympho. These often take the form of modified memories of past reality, where I ejaculate on her face instead her chest, or end have having sex instead of just “fooling around” before we were married. Again, this desire for a “craving” wife is related to porn, which purportedly depicts women desiring these kinds of things.
(c) This is relatively straightforward, I want to see my wife at all angles/distances while she’s having sex. Even though my favorite porn tended to be from 1st person point of view, I still saw videos showing all sorts of angles/distances that you don’t get through your eyes (even with mirrors!) What can I say, I wanted to see my wife like that–especially with things in doggy, our favorite position. I still do honestly–I’d love to see her face when she O’s in doggy PIV+vibe.
(d) At the time, my wife had never had an orgasm (other than nocturnal ones). She still hasn’t without a vibrator. I really blamed myself for this: not enough skill, penis too small, not lasting long enough, her not being attracted to me enough, etc. In my fantasies, she would always get more physical pleasure from the other men than I could ever give her (even though in some ways she was doing it for me, if that makes sense). With learning more about women in general as well as specific talks with DW, I blame myself less for the lack of O now than I used to. And it helps that she can O now thanks to us getting a vibe.
I hope this description isn’t too graphic or horrific. I promise you I’m not a monster, but ditching the porn and confessing about it to my wife changed my life and was huge for our relationship. I’m not proud of the above fantasies, but they’re largely gone now. Frankly, its a bit humiliating to even type this up. Overall, I hope you can get some understanding from the above.
I agree with hungry.
Christ cares about the content of our hearts and our thoughts. (Matthew 5:28, Romans 12:1-2).
If the action is sinful in real life, how can we justify fantasizing about it? Certainly, the initial desire is not sinful. However, if we nurture that desire and dwell upon it and long after it it has become sinful.
We are to be renewed in our minds. Our thoughts ought to honor Christ, whose Spirit lives in us. I can’t imagine the holy spirit being ok with dwelling inside a vessel lusting after sin.
Christ loves us deeply, as His Bride, we should desire to be sure and holy for him.
I read the article in the link that Duchess shared. I had no idea just how popular this fantasy is. I do see why, and I’m sure very few would ever act on it. The question arises of whether such fantasies are wrong and sinful if they are never acted upon. I know that I do have thoughts that are not only sinful when acted upon. They are in fact sin. I don’t think this thread should come to a close without a word to challenge all of us to look to God and ask Him to renew our minds. I fail in this department time and time again. We are influenced by the world we live in, and it’s hard to keep our minds pure, but the Bible teaches it. When we allow evil into our hearts, that will be the result. What goes in is what comes out. I have lacked at this in recent years but I know I need to return to previous convictions and behaviour. The pull of the world is strong, and threatens to sweep us all away with it.
2 Corinthians 10:5
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.
I did some reading on this when my DH confessed (with much embarrassment and shame, yet clearly also with arousal) that he shares this fantasy. The article I’m linking covers most of what I found, but left out the biggest one (or at least the surface one) for my DH: the simple imagined visual of watching his wife engaged in sex. Probably some of the others noted apply and he doesn’t realize it, but I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t accept everything I read in Psychology Today indiscriminately, but I believe (other than the one missing piece) they have a pretty good summary in this case.
@Scott, I am glad you shared. You are not alone, because I recall others sharing this same desire on the old TMB. They shared the same basic reasoning. I had figured if no man was willing to share, I would pipe in with what I had learned from listening to these other husbands.
I know you feel like porn is the root behind this, and maybe it is, but I also believe that the root of whatever it is that causes us to seek out porn or certain fantasies, are actually needs and desires already within us. I was desiring things long before any exposure to anything like porn, it was more like my own desires is what determined what type of porn I might seek out later on in life. There’s nothing new under the sun, and perversions of God’s creation was happening LONG before we had the technology we do today. The root problem isn’t porn, that’s just where some run to find a false comfort, that’s where some go to seek to fill an emptiness and longing they have in the depths of their soul. Others might run to food, drugs, alcohol, other relationships, religions, and we could go on and on.
I’m not sure I’d call it a fantasy because I’m certain I don’t want it to happen. However, I’ve imagined what my wife would look/act like when having sex with someone else. Scott’s list above applies to me as well and I don’t think porn has much to do with it for me.
I want her to be enthusiastic, really want/crave it, and have orgasms from PIV. None of which she does with me, so it seems somewhat natural to picture her with some nameless, faceless guy who can get her to do those things.
This is not, never has been, a fantasy of mine. The Psychology Today article mentions that husbands are turned on by their wife’s intense sexual arousal. That’s true for me. Nothing ramps me up more than imagining Mrs. Oldbear in the throes of her self-pleasuring as she brings herself to a mind blowing orgasm (which she does and shares about it with me).
Definitely not a thing for me., and I don’t think I have ever even thought about it till reading this post. I suppose I can understand the reasons that have been given so far, but that doesn’t make the idea any more enticing.
I would be thrilled to watch her, alone, but not with another man, and to be totally honest, my porn history mirrors that. As SC pointed out, the desire
subconscious desire probably drives the fantasy, and that played out in the porn I generally sought out.
I can’t say I personally have had this particular fantasy, though i certainly have other ones that would be equally as sinful if they were carried out IRL. And yes, I do agree that the porn we watch if often a reflection of our inmost desires, or some perverted version of them.