If you could teach your teenage children (real or hypothetical) about married sexual intimacy, what three things would you want them to understand?

    Just as the title says, if you could teach your teenage children (whether real or hypothetical) about true married sexual intimacy, what are the top three things that you would want them to understand?

    If it makes a difference, you can specify whether the teaching would differ for teen boys vs teen girls, but ultimately you should name the top three concepts that you want them to understand. So, you can do a top three for male teens and a top three for female teens if you like.

    Feel free to be as brief or as detailed as you like – I don’t mind reading paragraphs 😁.

    Hammock Asked on August 2, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.
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    14 Answer(s)

      Intercourse is easy. Intimacy is hard work (but totally worth it!). There’s so much more to sexual intimacy than physical pleasure. When you build an intimate relationship, and are truly vulnerable with each other in every way, you experience marital intimacy and sex in the way God created them to be.

      Sex is far more than intercourse, and you and your spouse get to define it together. When we think in terms of a standard script (kiss, touch, PIV, done), we miss the creativity, innovation, and variety that a sexual encounter can include. Work together to bring each other pleasure, and see where it takes you.

      Sex is private, not a secret. Keep you sexual activities to yourselves, but don’t keep the fact that you are sexual beings a secret. Celebrate sex for the gift from God that it is, encourage your friends to have a vibrant sex life (if/when they are married), and certainly talk with your spouse about sex!

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 2, 2020.

      Great answers! I can’t put it any better than this.

      on August 3, 2020.
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        I don’t know if I can speak well to a young man…but to young women:

        1. Responsive desire, that you might not feel horny, but that is ok, look forward to the fun sex can be with your husband and just say yes, at least 3-4 times a week

        2. many women don’t orgasm from PIV and they aren’t broken. God created the female sexual response to be complex and that is beautiful when embraced as a fun adventure

        3. men equate sex with acceptance  and love. No other action will be as meaningful to him, or communicate love to him as strongly.  It isn’t because he doesn’t deeply love you, he isn’t using you, it is different, but God made it and it’s good

         

        4. be direct, explore what feels good, don’t be shy to communicate what you like.  Your husband wants to please you and sees your sexuality as beautiful

        On the floor Answered on August 3, 2020.

        I love this! Very well said!

        on August 3, 2020.

        Yes!

        on August 3, 2020.

        Wow, these are all great. My question on these–aren’t they more in line with what to tell engaged couples and/or newlyweds? I know that the “responsive desire” one would be my #1 thing to communicate to that demographic, but not so sure for a teenager.

        -Scott

        on August 3, 2020.

        Scott, I can see your point. That said, I think the church and Christian parents need to start having a lot more sex positive conversations with young women.  I think it will encourage more sex positive beginnings to married sexuality. I don’t think it will encourage promiscuity.  The purity culture has made sex so taboo, that it’s hard for women to fully enjoy their sexuality in marriage

        Also, this isn’t necessarily a 13 year old conversation, but perhaps 17-19

        on August 4, 2020.

        Wheat, sorry for the slow response (I just saw your comment). I think you make some good points. I certainly was looking through the lens of age 13 since all my kids are under that age.

        And while women seem to be hurt by it more, I think more (healthy) sex-positive messages to boys is also warranted. Purity culture, even though neither of us were that heavily steeped in it, definitely had some negative effects on my marriage.

        -Scott

        on August 5, 2020.
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          1. God made sex and it is good. Committed Christians can and should regularly have (at least 1-2x/wk) great sex. While couples should co-create a solution together, it is always better to try and meet/get closer to the needs of the higher desire spouse.  (Statistics provided by Feldhans, Marriage Today, FamilyLife and other people I follow have shown that the more couples attend church, serve at church, pray together and have a vital relationship with Jesus, the more sexually satisfied they are.)
          2. Great sex comes from hard work inside and outside the bedroom through complete honesty, transparency which happens through great communication. Premarriage physical engagement will ALWAYS dangerously short-circuit your communication process and your respect for one another in the long run. Communicating about sex before marriage and regularly (at least once every 4-8 wks) after marriage is important to a healthy and dynamic sex life.
          3. Know and understand the emotional aspects of sex and the differences of males and females.

          The best sex happens when two people selflessly serve one another inside and outside the bedroom so become the person in Christ you want to attract and then you’ll know what you’re looking for and recognize them when you find that person.

          Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.
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            That is a great answer lubabug99!  I like all three including that last line, “talk to your spouse about sex”. I think a lot of men and women are so uptight, embarrassed, etc. it makes it hard to communicate what they desire and what they don’t.

            On the floor Answered on August 3, 2020.
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              Intimacy is about communication and not just about things intimate. It has to include all aspects of the marriage, family, marriage, work, fun, sharing the ups and downs, listening and learning. I would tell my son that intimacy has a good foundation of talking – talking things out, a willingness to admit when wrong, not being critical or condescending. If you have a hard time connecting on the details of the day, it’s hard to connect body, mind and spirit when in TMB.

              I would also tell him how important his relationship with Christ is when it comes to intimacy. Intimacy is a gift to cherish not a weapon to wield.  Have a life centered in Christ develops the trust necessary when husband and wife come together. When Christ is at the center then your thoughts are about how I can meet the intimate needs of my spouse. It becomes a matter of giving and treasuring rather than getting or demanding.

              Intimacy is a combination of the two, trusting communication and Christ-centeredness. Talking about what is acceptable or not from a Biblical perspective ensures that experimentation is mutual so that neither feels used or violated. With trust comes safety that when something new is tried, it’s been talked out and agreed on as ok to try.

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                1) God’s design and purpose for it…procreation and pleasure. The physical, emotional and spiritual aspect and benefits of it. The freedoms they have in their marriage bed, and the few “no’s” God does have.

                2) The basic knowledge and understanding of the differences between males and females. How they think, how they respond, their basic needs and desires, what makes the other feel loved, wanted and desired, etc. What attitudes the other finds attractive, e.g. confidence, etc.

                3) The attitude with which to carry…. be generous. Think always of the other, but remember this is for you too! It’s a journey, you are going to hit bumps, pits, and deserts, and you’ll see beauty, experience wonders and find oasis’. Keep going it together with lots of grace and laughter, and willingness to go on an adventure of a lifetime, always remembering there’s more to learn, even in the peaceful, comfortable, quiet, R&R times of life. Keep your passion stoked. Enjoy each other. Be naked and unashamed….there’s no room for lies, shame, hiding, etc, in a marriage, but especially in a marriage bed.

                Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                  1. God created sex and is eager to make it excellent for couples who seek His help relationally and sexually, and pattern marriage according to His ways.
                  2. We human can easily mess up the wonderful gifts of intimacy, sex, and sexuality God has given to married couples. When we are vulnerable, humble, and repentant, God blesses, restores wholeness, and grants us a hopeful and fulfilling marriage.
                  3.  The oneness God intends for married couples to enjoy is similar to the oneness within the Trinity and its unitive nature is best achieved if we reserve sex in all of its forms for marriage and gift (not lose) our purity and virginity to our life-time covenant partner (spouse).
                  Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                    The three things I have specifically shared with my children about sex in marriage:

                    1.Sex is a gift of life and love from God.
                    2.Therefore, sex is meant for good and to be good, and fun, when kept within His boundaries
                    3.So, protect this gift, trust God, do not fall for the worlds faulty characterization of sex because it is a lie and a trap.

                    I have told my son that when it is time, I will share more specific things he should know about the physicality. I am not foolish enough to think he knows nothing from his own curiosity and the outside influences that we cannot keep them from totally. I have told him much of the things he hears and sees is either a lie or just misinformation and he can trust what I tell him to be truth based on experience. Now that he is maturing, I can tell he is reaching the point where the “old man” is starting to seem worthy of listening to. I look forward to these next few years. He has proven himself to be staunch in his convictions and has an extremely high standard for who he is willing to pursue. He truly is finding it difficult to find a young lady who will “date” nowadays. It’s really sad. It seems in this day and time, you either are just talking or about to get married – there seems little in between. Casual sex is the accepted norm (it was so in my younger days too, but not as open as it seems to be now).

                    My daughter in many ways understands me as we are kindred spirits in many ways. She has my adventurous side and emotional penchant. Where my son has not had what he himself would call a “serious” relationship, daughter has had two boyfriends that she was hurt when they broke up with her -both because she held fast to her convictions. I am not sure yet what I need to tell her. I mostly focus on showing her I love her and her mother, and how each should be treated. I honestly do not know what all my wife has discussed with her, but I think it has been fairly deep. I probably should discuss this with my wife at some point, but I do not want to be perceived as telling her what to do in that area, but I also do not want to shirk any responsibility. I feel like I can talk to her about these things – in some ways easier than my son because of our closer emotional planes.

                    I would say from my limited experience with the younger folks of this day, that every generation has similarities but also some unique things that make it difficult to cross-generationally advise. When I dated, you had to call a girl’s house and risk speaking to their parents first, and the phone was always in a communal area. I never knew a girl with a phone in her room. Technology these days has changed the game tremendously. Social media is about as anti-social as anything to come around. It prevents kids from having to put themselves out there in reality and learn to actually interact with another human face to face. I think it has seriously stifled much of the real social skills of young ones. Maybe it’s not all for the worse, but it’s close in my estimation. Yet, there are places like this that those who wish to get information can come to that did not exist when I was young, so there is good to mix with the bad. Maybe they can learn some things about intimacy from other sources that did not necessarily exist when I was young. It is just ironic how perhaps the best source of information on intimacy can come from an anonymous source where intimacy does not really exist and fallacy can easily be passed on as fact with no consequence. I hope the younger generation is smart enough to tell the difference.

                    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                      @owm I love the notion of gifting your purity to your spouse (rather than losing your virginity). Love the positive take rather than the shame-based worldly notion.

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 3, 2020.

                      Thanks luvabug99! I know many people speak of “losing” their virginity.  Sadly, in many cases it is a loss.  Yet, I don’t envision that we were created to do that. By God’s grace, Mrs. OWM and I were able to gift or even bless the other with both our purity and our virginity.

                      on August 4, 2020.
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                        @Ron communication is so critical! One of the things that has really improved our sex life in the past year and a half is that we are communicating much more (and better) about sex. It was a real breakthrough in intimacy for us, because those conversations are so vulnerable. The relational and emotional intimacy helps to spur on the physical intimacy for sure!

                        On that note, DW shares this article with me a couple days ago, backing up with research the importance of talking with your spouse about sex (I love that SHE shared it with me—shows how far she’s come in being open and interested in our sex life):

                        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 3, 2020.

                        I really liked that link!

                        on August 3, 2020.

                        Indeed – good article. I generally suck at at least three of the suggestions…

                        on August 3, 2020.

                        Great article.

                        on August 3, 2020.
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