If you were wealthy enough, would you divorce because of sexual issues?

Answered

    In my opinion, it seems as though Christian couples do not divorce because its just too expensive financially and/or they avoid shame in the local church. Assuming you make lots of money; Adultery not included, IF your low sex drive spouse would not resolve the lack of sex that YOU need, would you divorce them because you are wealthy and can afford divorce?

    Or…

    You are scrapping for money AND your low sex drive spouse will not resolve the lack of sex YOU need AND you are fed up and want out (yes there are kids, or not) are you NOT divorcing because you cannot afford it?

    Are you just suffering alone?

    Do you think the low sex drive spouse is taking you for granted, knowing you cannot afford a divorce?

    Two gospels report that Jesus said if a man divorces his wife and marries another he commits adultery.  Matthew includes ‘except it be for fornication.’

    Not  sleeping with ones husband or wife is not ‘porneia’.  It may be a sin.  It may be a ‘sexual sin’, but it is not whorring around/porneia.

    There are a lot of sins you have no right to divorce your spouse over.  If your spouse robs a liquor store, that doesn’t mean you aren’t married anymore or aren’t supposed to be.  If your spouse refuses you sex, that may be a sin depending on the situation, but that doesn’t mean it is not adultery to divorce and remarry someone else.

    on May 14, 2020.

    yes but the risk for the man is great especially in an era of porn on demand.

    I’ve written here on TMB before about what to do in our frustration of “needing sex and NOT getting it because the other partner just won’t.”

    Solution is easy. Porn is one. Golf, hunting, bowling, expensive hobbies and drugs and alcohol just to name a few.

    OR…

    sex with spouse.

    If you are one to say that patience is a virtue or pray about it or seek counseling so you can cope without sex the rest of your life, all have one thing in common; the other partner is responsible to do… nothing.

     

    on May 16, 2020.

    No, the solution is not easy. What you suggest are escapes or coping mechanisms and are wrong because the issue isn’t being dealt with, just ignored…and sex doesn’t come easy if it involves two people and one seemingly isn’t interested or willing to serve. Clearly, you’ve had a lot of hurt in your life. CJ, it comes out in all your posts and I’m sorry to hear that. It seems like you need some outside help to process your hurt and anger because according to your posts over the past two months, you’ve dealt with various significant issues the majority of your marriage and until you find personal and relational healing, I don’t see your situation changing until you’re willing to change and address the hurt and bitterness that comes through in most things you say.

    on May 16, 2020.

    newwifenewlife,

    uh, no you’re wrong. Why do want to take a shot at me? I asked a question. many responded and the answers are great. You are assuming “hurt” in me. and you say I show a lot in my posts. I got more than 30 years of marriage to one woman, 3 failed careers, bankrupt once, my special needs daughter was raped and I still go to church. You got something to say, message me. Don’t just assume you “got me.” and don’t take these questions personally. It is hypothetical, I had it on my mind about 8 years ago and still wondered what other people thought. TMB is a fair group of size and my frequent fellow church friends number about 6 so this helps.

    Remember that divorce creates the most poverty in our country. Ever wonder how much better life would be if people with kids in a marriage stayed together? Ever listen to Christian radio and hear a group discussion with divorced dads? People in the church today want answers and I created a question to start. Many in the world look to us for a reason to stay Christian, looking for hope.

    on May 18, 2020.
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    24 Answer(s)
      Best answer

      I would say you need therapy. The spouse needs therapy. The couple needs therapy.

      I think the assumption that divorce is simply a financial matter speaks to the frustration, pain, and many false narratives within the high drive’s mind.

      You shouldn’t “suffer alone”. You need people who can help. And not just anonymous usernames on this forum. Great people, just not the same as one on one connection.

      Fell out of ... Answered on May 14, 2020.

      Very well put. He absolutely needs someone in the flesh to help him.  I also love the  many false narratives within the high drive’s mind.

      I know to some this would mean not getting sex more than once every few weeks or months. What does refusal mean to that individual that would even point to something like divorce…

      on May 14, 2020.
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        Surely a Christian marriage is supposed to be “for better, for worse, for richer for poorer”? I can accept adultery as a reason for wanting to divorce but sexual dissatisfaction and lack of money were not mentioned as get-out clause when I got married.

        Fell out of ... Answered on May 14, 2020.

        Nope, they weren’t, but they are two of the leading causes of divorce. Both can be very troubling and painful, and deserve more than a quick pat answer.

        on May 14, 2020.
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          I think something to consider is the why…why is this happening.  During my gatekeeping years, I loved my husband, but hated sex.   I had repressed trauma from sexual abuse, and was not trying to hurt my husband.  The human mind does a lot of blocking to prevent feeling pain.  Counseling is necessary.  I think a more appropriate boundary to draw first is that counseling must happen.  You can draw a line, and separation can be part of that line.
          I had a friend in an emotionally abusive marriage.  Her husband would not go to counseling.  I encouraged her to separate.   She was concerned about finances and I think just scared to stand up and draw the line.  The end result is that bitterness overtook her and she fell prey to an affair and then quickly divorced her husband.

          I say this kindly, but your posts on this forum have been filled with bitterness.  I believe you have been pushed past your breaking point and have become heartsick.  You are in an emergency situation. There is a God honoring way to walk through this, where you can draw a line and be firm.  You can separate and insist on counseling and this issue being addressed before reconciling.

          Please hear me, you are not in the wrong to insist this issue be addressed. Do not let bitterness overtake you and draw you into sin though.

          On the floor Answered on May 14, 2020.

          Really appreciate your insight and level-headed contribution!

          -Scott

          on May 14, 2020.

          Agree with Scott.  i have also been somewhat of a gate-keeper but it wasn’t at all because i was in sin or using it against my husband, it was deep seated. i think especially with women…. we are the ones being penetrated, our body being entered, being pursued and that entails A LOT and sometimes that is just very hard for whatever reason and even the person theirself may not understand any of the whys…. becoming intimate is a huge part of it, it was for me.

          on May 14, 2020.

          Well put Wheat48.

          on May 15, 2020.
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            @LBD, “Either of these situation do indicate a deep heart issue that the at-fault spouse needs to address. ”

            That’s a loaded comment. 😯 sexual refusal rarely happens in a vacuum… so who is truly “at-fault”? Both “at-fault” spouses could always benefit doing some introspection and allowing the Holy Spirit to do some “heart surgery” on themselves, because a heart of stone is not attractive in the least.

            Under the stars Answered on May 14, 2020.

            Porn or refusal, who’s at fault?  If you get to blame your husband for your refusal, then I get to blame my wife for my porn.

            It takes two to tango, but somebody is always leading.

             

            on May 15, 2020.

            Let me take a few % points off that (- but I think you should as well.)

            I think I know very well how ALL marital problems ultimately have two components, and how both spouses often contribute in some way to the dysfunction. However, we all also know, whether we want to admit it or not, that in most situations there is one side going off the rails while the other is reacting. Reacting poorly perhaps.

            What you did not quote from my statement was that grace should be the applied both directions.  However, until I can honestly look at myself and own my junk, as MY junk, MY choices….chaos will continue.  Whether that is refusal or porn – the two overriding themes in just about every single suffering marriage story shared here – until one accepts the responsibility of their own choices in the matter without trying to assign part or all of it to others, growth and healing will not occur. My sin is my fault. Period. Whether I meant to or not, or was coerced or was reacting to another’s sin. It was still MY choice. God can and will forgive, His mercy and grace are uncomprehendingly vast. And we must try to emulate it as best we can. But we are also first called to confession and repentance.

            I believe it was Wheat that said it well – that she realized she was acting inappropriately toward her husband. She didn’t hate him, was not intentionally trying to hurt him. She had her own chaos causing her problems. But every time she told him “no”, it was her choice, her saying the words, her actions that caused pain. So when she realized all that, she took action to bring change. I’ve seen the same thing in my own marriage with porn. My wife kept a tight gate. I strained against it often and was repulsed regularly. But she never turned on the computer, never bought the magazine, never put my hand into action. Those were MY choices. That’s all I’m saying….

            on May 16, 2020.
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              To answer the questions as they are…. no. No, I would not divorce a low drive spouse, no matter the money situation.

              Under the stars Answered on May 14, 2020.
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                PPK said it well. You need therapy and it’s a WHOLE LOT cheaper financially AND emotionally that divorce…even then anyone who wants a healthy relationship after that, will still have work and healing to do so if possible, it’s highly recommended to try and work things through with a professional Christian counselor. I believe every couple should go if they have reoccurring arguments over significant issues and sex is one of those issues.

                Ultimately, it comes down to a spiritual heart issue for both partners. Both need to learn to serve the other selflessly. On the other hand, if one has just chosen to stop honoring their marriage vows and marriage bed, that’s another significant spiritual issue and the question is, :”why are they doing that?”

                I found it interesting that many of the answers I’ve observed on these boards (and in live and personal experience) about couples having less sex that one spouse desires, one spouse stops growing, stops learning, stops connecting emotionally, honesty about life, fears, and desires is dysfunctional or avoided, communication is relatively shallow between spouses & rarely goes beyond Level 3 communication, and stops caring about the other spouse’s needs. it’s sad and I know how painful it can be from experience from my first marriage.

                Under the stars Answered on May 14, 2020.
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                  No, I wouldn’t divorce for those reasons or depending on my financial situation. In fact, I wouldn’t want to divorce for any reason at all.

                  It is possible that a low sex drive spouse may be thinking that way. But, divorce isn’t the way to solve that problem.

                  Like others have said, therapy is needed. And be sure to work on the relationship in order to address other issues.

                  Under the stars Answered on May 14, 2020.
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                    In name only. My heart certainly was not in it.

                    I will add this tho. I believe that if youbare faced with that decision, it would be much more beneficial to correct the heart issues than to try to figure out how to make the finances work in a divorce.

                    On the floor Answered on May 14, 2020.
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                      Personally, I think this falls in the same arena as pornography. I don’t think either would be looked upon by God as acceptable. God hates ALL divorce, for any reason. It was never his intention. But he has allowed for situations that illustrate a break in covenant. He does not require it even then, just allows it to constitute a clean break allowing a new covenant with another.  I don’t think emotional/mental/visual adultery or gatekeeping/refusal rise to quite the same level of actively broken covenant. Others may disagree. Both are extremely sinful, painful, selfish and disruptive. And both demand action be taken – counsel, whatever. But do they automatically give the affected spouse a “get out of jail free” card? I don’t think so. Neither do a multitude of sins our spouses can and will commit against us, or we against them – thank the Lord!

                      However, there are valid arguments to the contrary of all I just said. I think the main thing is to understand we are not to take sex and marriage lightly. God has a stake in that game. I have often thought how I would react if my DW flat out refused to have sex of any kind with me for any extended period. I can see how that could be viewed as sexual immorality or misconduct, and it is a breaking of the covenant. It would be a hard thing to consider. I have friends who have gone through it, thankfully I never have to that extent.

                      Either of these situation do indicate a deep heart issue that the at-fault spouse needs to address. Both offer opportunities for the affected spouse to show grace and compassion.

                      On the floor Answered on May 14, 2020.
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                        @Tracker – you’re right I didn’t answer that question directly. Fair enough, so I will answer it from my past.

                        I didn’t divorce my first wife (now ex) despite the many arguments we had over sex and frequency. I DID have the financial means to and I choose to honor my vows even though I felt alone and the weight of it like a life sentence. My ex was more of a gatekeeper and sex became more and more infrequent (more like once every 12-21 days). I didn’t divorce her even though I felt trapped and decided I would just honor my vows even though she wasn’t and was being selfish. I worked to be the best husband and father I could be, I invested in myself and our marriage in many different ways I suggest around here. Unfortunately, my ex didn’t do that and despite my feeling and trying to fight the divide I saw continuing to grow so much that I got a counselor. Sadly, it was too late. She was already gone emotionally and relationall. She  had an affair and when I discovered it, she quickly filed for and divorced me without reason other than she wasn’t happy and “God wanted her to be happy.”  She walked away left nearly 17 years of marriage and 19 years of ministry together. (BTW, she still isn’t happy and has been married and divorced again…and let me tell you, she really wasn’t happy when I got married and I was finally happy after 10 years of being celibate and single!)

                        If I had to do it all over again, not only do I understand better about what happened and how to lead better, I would not let things go unchallenged spiritually and emotionally without seeking outside help earlier. (It was hard in my position and in a smaller community.) My ex got caught up in living a double life, having some money and freedom while traveling p/t for work, she chose poorly and it probably stems from some things she didn’t deal with earlier in life between her and God which is the only thing our counselor would share with me afterwards. This is also why I believe so strongly in boundaries and not letting things go unchallenged and ignoring them till a couple becomes distant roommates tolerating each other rather than sacrificially serving one another.  God’s plan and design is so much more for us.

                        Would I divorce my spouse? I chose not to.

                         

                        Under the stars Answered on May 14, 2020.

                        Powerful post. Thank you for sharing.

                        on May 14, 2020.

                        NWNL – Don’t know if I’ve ever said it, but I have a lot of respect for you! Thank you for sharing this.

                        -Scott

                        on May 14, 2020.

                        Thanks.

                        on May 15, 2020.
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