If you were wealthy enough, would you divorce because of sexual issues?
In my opinion, it seems as though Christian couples do not divorce because its just too expensive financially and/or they avoid shame in the local church. Assuming you make lots of money; Adultery not included, IF your low sex drive spouse would not resolve the lack of sex that YOU need, would you divorce them because you are wealthy and can afford divorce?
You are scrapping for money AND your low sex drive spouse will not resolve the lack of sex YOU need AND you are fed up and want out (yes there are kids, or not) are you NOT divorcing because you cannot afford it?
Are you just suffering alone?
Do you think the low sex drive spouse is taking you for granted, knowing you cannot afford a divorce?
I would say you need therapy. The spouse needs therapy. The couple needs therapy.
I think the assumption that divorce is simply a financial matter speaks to the frustration, pain, and many false narratives within the high drive’s mind.
You shouldn’t “suffer alone”. You need people who can help. And not just anonymous usernames on this forum. Great people, just not the same as one on one connection.
Surely a Christian marriage is supposed to be “for better, for worse, for richer for poorer”? I can accept adultery as a reason for wanting to divorce but sexual dissatisfaction and lack of money were not mentioned as get-out clause when I got married.
I think something to consider is the why…why is this happening. During my gatekeeping years, I loved my husband, but hated sex. I had repressed trauma from sexual abuse, and was not trying to hurt my husband. The human mind does a lot of blocking to prevent feeling pain. Counseling is necessary. I think a more appropriate boundary to draw first is that counseling must happen. You can draw a line, and separation can be part of that line.
I had a friend in an emotionally abusive marriage. Her husband would not go to counseling. I encouraged her to separate. She was concerned about finances and I think just scared to stand up and draw the line. The end result is that bitterness overtook her and she fell prey to an affair and then quickly divorced her husband.
I say this kindly, but your posts on this forum have been filled with bitterness. I believe you have been pushed past your breaking point and have become heartsick. You are in an emergency situation. There is a God honoring way to walk through this, where you can draw a line and be firm. You can separate and insist on counseling and this issue being addressed before reconciling.
Please hear me, you are not in the wrong to insist this issue be addressed. Do not let bitterness overtake you and draw you into sin though.
@LBD, “Either of these situation do indicate a deep heart issue that the at-fault spouse needs to address. ”
That’s a loaded comment. 😯 sexual refusal rarely happens in a vacuum… so who is truly “at-fault”? Both “at-fault” spouses could always benefit doing some introspection and allowing the Holy Spirit to do some “heart surgery” on themselves, because a heart of stone is not attractive in the least.
PPK said it well. You need therapy and it’s a WHOLE LOT cheaper financially AND emotionally that divorce…even then anyone who wants a healthy relationship after that, will still have work and healing to do so if possible, it’s highly recommended to try and work things through with a professional Christian counselor. I believe every couple should go if they have reoccurring arguments over significant issues and sex is one of those issues.
Ultimately, it comes down to a spiritual heart issue for both partners. Both need to learn to serve the other selflessly. On the other hand, if one has just chosen to stop honoring their marriage vows and marriage bed, that’s another significant spiritual issue and the question is, :”why are they doing that?”
I found it interesting that many of the answers I’ve observed on these boards (and in live and personal experience) about couples having less sex that one spouse desires, one spouse stops growing, stops learning, stops connecting emotionally, honesty about life, fears, and desires is dysfunctional or avoided, communication is relatively shallow between spouses & rarely goes beyond Level 3 communication, and stops caring about the other spouse’s needs. it’s sad and I know how painful it can be from experience from my first marriage.
No, I wouldn’t divorce for those reasons or depending on my financial situation. In fact, I wouldn’t want to divorce for any reason at all.
It is possible that a low sex drive spouse may be thinking that way. But, divorce isn’t the way to solve that problem.
Like others have said, therapy is needed. And be sure to work on the relationship in order to address other issues.
In name only. My heart certainly was not in it.
I will add this tho. I believe that if youbare faced with that decision, it would be much more beneficial to correct the heart issues than to try to figure out how to make the finances work in a divorce.
Personally, I think this falls in the same arena as pornography. I don’t think either would be looked upon by God as acceptable. God hates ALL divorce, for any reason. It was never his intention. But he has allowed for situations that illustrate a break in covenant. He does not require it even then, just allows it to constitute a clean break allowing a new covenant with another. I don’t think emotional/mental/visual adultery or gatekeeping/refusal rise to quite the same level of actively broken covenant. Others may disagree. Both are extremely sinful, painful, selfish and disruptive. And both demand action be taken – counsel, whatever. But do they automatically give the affected spouse a “get out of jail free” card? I don’t think so. Neither do a multitude of sins our spouses can and will commit against us, or we against them – thank the Lord!
However, there are valid arguments to the contrary of all I just said. I think the main thing is to understand we are not to take sex and marriage lightly. God has a stake in that game. I have often thought how I would react if my DW flat out refused to have sex of any kind with me for any extended period. I can see how that could be viewed as sexual immorality or misconduct, and it is a breaking of the covenant. It would be a hard thing to consider. I have friends who have gone through it, thankfully I never have to that extent.
Either of these situation do indicate a deep heart issue that the at-fault spouse needs to address. Both offer opportunities for the affected spouse to show grace and compassion.
@Tracker – you’re right I didn’t answer that question directly. Fair enough, so I will answer it from my past.
I didn’t divorce my first wife (now ex) despite the many arguments we had over sex and frequency. I DID have the financial means to and I choose to honor my vows even though I felt alone and the weight of it like a life sentence. My ex was more of a gatekeeper and sex became more and more infrequent (more like once every 12-21 days). I didn’t divorce her even though I felt trapped and decided I would just honor my vows even though she wasn’t and was being selfish. I worked to be the best husband and father I could be, I invested in myself and our marriage in many different ways I suggest around here. Unfortunately, my ex didn’t do that and despite my feeling and trying to fight the divide I saw continuing to grow so much that I got a counselor. Sadly, it was too late. She was already gone emotionally and relationall. She had an affair and when I discovered it, she quickly filed for and divorced me without reason other than she wasn’t happy and “God wanted her to be happy.” She walked away left nearly 17 years of marriage and 19 years of ministry together. (BTW, she still isn’t happy and has been married and divorced again…and let me tell you, she really wasn’t happy when I got married and I was finally happy after 10 years of being celibate and single!)
If I had to do it all over again, not only do I understand better about what happened and how to lead better, I would not let things go unchallenged spiritually and emotionally without seeking outside help earlier. (It was hard in my position and in a smaller community.) My ex got caught up in living a double life, having some money and freedom while traveling p/t for work, she chose poorly and it probably stems from some things she didn’t deal with earlier in life between her and God which is the only thing our counselor would share with me afterwards. This is also why I believe so strongly in boundaries and not letting things go unchallenged and ignoring them till a couple becomes distant roommates tolerating each other rather than sacrificially serving one another. God’s plan and design is so much more for us.
Would I divorce my spouse? I chose not to.