Insecurity about toy use

    Any suggestions on helping a husband get over feeling insecure about a wife wanting to use a We-Vibe to make sex more enjoyable?  I’ve tried explaining that my equipment is getting older just like his and doesn’t work as well as it used to.  He says he understands but admits he still feels somewhat insecure about it.

    Double bed Asked on March 22, 2019 in Activities & Items .

    I encourage my wife to use toys, she uses them when we have occasional sex, but not any other time. I am fine with her using hers any time she wants.

    on September 9, 2019.
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      I think involving him in the process would be good.  Let him use it on you and let him see what kind of pleasure he can give you with it.  I guess I get a guy feeling kind of insecure about it, but if it were my wife I’d tell her to have at it and enjoy herself–and make sure to let me watch! LOL

      Hammock Answered on March 23, 2019.
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        Building him up as the person you sexually desire and who arouses you might help him get over his insecurity.

        Perhaps you could emphasize how much he arouses you (so much that you really need to have a release) or point out that you prefer to have an orgasm while he is inside you (as opposed to him using his hands or mouth).

         

        Queen bed Answered on March 25, 2019.
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          I am sure you have said this, but I would make sure your husband knows the purpose of the toy is to enhance the quality of lovemaking for both of you. My wife also needs the help of a toy to get warmed up, and in addition to providing her with more pleasure, her greater arousal makes PIV intercourse better for me as well!

          It’s also a great idea to involve your husband while using a toy. We tried the We Vibe, but found it difficult to use. We mainly use wand-style toys and the eroscillator, and when my wife is warming herself up I am usually massaging her butt, back, etc. She finds this touching enhances her pleasure, and it is certainly a turn-on for me! In fact, I fully embraced the use of toys once I understood that this was really the only way she could reliably enjoy sex.  Good luck.

          Queen bed Answered on March 31, 2019.
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            You might encourage him to think of it as a tool (or a power tool) that is used to help get a job done. Sure, you can build something with a rock and nails, but a hammer sure helps! A powered screwdriver helps even more.

            There’s nothing inherently threatening about toys in bed. It’s just the false belief that “needing” a toy somehow implies a lack of skill or expertise. Or that one is not “good” enough.

            Do those same arguments hold when discussing a hammer or powered screwdriver? Of course not. One is not a “lesser” man or woman if one uses a hammer instead of a rock. In fact, it’s smarter to use a tool if the right one makes a job easier or faster or of a higher quality finish.

            It’s the same for toy (tools) in bed.

             

            Double bed Answered on April 7, 2019.
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              I will try that.  I specifically picked this one because it’s designed to be used together during intercourse, but it did nothing for him when we tried it.  Honestly, I was concerned to be too enthusiastic about it because with him already being insecure about it, I didn’t want to make things worse.  I know I’m not responsible for his feelings and yet it can be hard for men to perform when they’re concerned about their performance.  A bit of a catch 22. 🙁

               

               

              Double bed Answered on March 23, 2019.
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                How about “If you needed Viagra, I’d want you to use it for both of us. This is the same thing.”

                Hammock Answered on March 29, 2019.

                I would have thought when I mentioned that he sometimes needs a hand to get going because his equipment doesn’t work the same as it used to and that my equipment doesn’t always work right either it would have been enough to help him feel okay, but he’s still feeling a bit inadequate.   Maybe as we use it more this will lessen.

                on March 30, 2019.
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                  We have the opposite challenge. Mrs. Oldbear is not inclined to re-introduce toys into our MB. [We incorporated toy play earlier in our marriage.] She’s shy/sensitive about her privacy – cleaning crew, etc. Our spirit is very willing though our flesh is weaker in our senior years. (: Our intimacy is delightful even though her orgasms are harder to reach and not as powerful in her younger years.

                  I’m keen to hear suggestions that would work for us as well as HWA’s situation.

                  Fell out of ... Answered on March 30, 2019.

                  Old ear, the WE vibe doesn’t look like a vibe. It has a cool case that nobody would guess what’s in it. Would that help her feel more comfortable? Also maybe it would be good for you to ask this as it’s own question because that helps populate the boards for others who want to read but are not comfortable asking the question themselves. Just a thought. 😉

                  on March 30, 2019.

                  Gotta love iPhone autocorrect. Sorry Oldbear, lol

                  on March 30, 2019.

                  Thanks, HWA. Isn’t autocorrect the bee’s knees – not – although Old ear is appropriate as my hearing is going!

                  I’ll take you up on your suggestion to start a new thread.

                  on March 30, 2019.
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                    The WeVibe Touch is our go-to toy. It makes my orgasm so much more intense for both of us. I’m pretty sure he will enjoy your orgasm as much as you.

                    Fell out of ... Answered on April 8, 2019.
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                      Funny how people are so different. I have only been able to introduce one toy in out marriage, but my DW is always cautious (she loves it when i use it on her) because she says she’s afraid she’ll get addicted and want to use it when she’s alone.

                       

                      Hammock Answered on April 10, 2019.
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