Insisting on OS

    I was curious to try OS when I first got married.  The first time I gave it to my wife, a week or so into marriage, she asked why I didn’t do that the first time.  For many months after that, I would give her dozens of orgasms before having intercourse, which was just about every other day.  One time, she estimated she had 40 orgasms.  One would come right after another.

    But for me, the ‘head’ was a bit sensitive, and she has some irregular teeth.  It just felt too intense and not very pleasureful.  So I never really pushed to have OS much.  I was willing to give.  After a while, my wife decided she didn’t like receiving OS.  So maybe I give OS to her once a year if I talk her into receiving.

    And she probably gives me OS once a year.  I’ve had a stronger sex drive than she has throughout our marriage.  So it is a rare occasion that she really wants it badly because we’ve had sex before she gets to that point.  On rare occasion, she gets really horny, and she might give me a BJ in the shower if she gets like that.  Or I may just get a desire for it and she may decide she’s willing.

    Well, I’ve been working out of town and coming home on weekends, sometimes for half a week depending on my work load.  My job is flexible and I don’t have to be in the office– but then again I do because its hard to get the work done at home.  So my wife said she’d try to please me, even if it meant sex night after night while I was here.  She gets tired and doesn’t always do that, so we’ve done intercourse Friday and a HJ Friday before I left.  Friday this weekend, she was sleepy and I got home late.  So Saturday, we were going to have sex.

    I don’t care much for regular BJs, but I’ve discovered recently that I like to have my testicles sucked a certain way.  I also really crave feeling her body against mine, so I like a full-body contact WOT position, especially where I can feel her behind while we do it.  I’d like to lay like that for an hour if I could to ‘recharge’ emotionally on oxytocin while we kiss and she licks and sucks that place where my nick and shoulders meet.

    So I asked her if she could do OS on me (my testicles).  She seemed rather disinterested.  She said I could choose between that and WOT, since she was tired.  She said she was tired from cooking for me.  I told her she knew I’d rather eat PB&J and have long energetic sex.  Anyway, I decided to ask for the OS and see if I she’d change her mind about WOT later.  It turns out, the OS worked me up so much, and the time since I’d been with her maybe, that I just finished up in a kind of MOT perpendicular position we often use.  She prefers that.    I also told her she should be generous, out of love and the kindness of her heart and not give me a choice like that.

    So this got me to thinking about something I’d read before.  The idea is that if you get your wife’s mouth near your private parts, and get her used to OS, that she’ll do it more.  So, while emotionally I crave the full body contact, I’m thinking of trying to get my wife to more frequently give OS if she presents it as a choice like that, just to get her used to it.  Maybe some day, when we start to have sex, she’ll just give OS as foreplay without my asking if we do it enough.  I’d like to have her throw that in unsolicited.

    I don’t like the scenario of asking for OS and her not wanting to give it, or feeling like I’m pressuring her.  But I have seen in the bedroom if I don’t insist a little, we don’t do some of the things I like, which includes the full-body WOT.   If I ask her for it more, she gets more used to it and the request seems a little less unreasonable.

    This is sort of along the lines of ‘training’ my wife to give OS or to do certain positions.  It sounds kind of negative to put it that way.  I’d much rather her just willingly do stuff I like because she wants to please me.  With the kids and things we do, she gets tired and I understand that.  I find sex energizing and I’m generally willing to put forth some effort because I  enjoy it so much, unless I am totally exhausted, then I want sex in a lazy easy position.  Maybe she’s totally exhausted more often, but she puts sex off if she has other things she wants to d, too, which isn’t generally my approach unless the other activities are really critical.

    What do you think?  Is it good to insist a little with your spouse to get him/her to do OS to get him/her used to it?  What about other sex acts?  Is there a place for insisting on a little physical and emotional satisfaction in bed–doing the things you want not just what your spouse wants?  I’m not talking about if your spouse is traumatized, considers a certain act sinful, etc., of course.

    Queen bed Asked on September 29, 2019 in Oral Sex.
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      I don’t know what your wife is like but if my husband came to me with an “insistence” attitude, there’s nothing faster that would automatically erect my defenses. And if I happened to felt bullied enough to do it, I can guarantee my heart wouldn’t be there and a wedge would be inserted, opening the door to resentment and bitterness.

      I agree with LuckyInLove. I would much rather have my husband be direct, “I would like [this] because [share your reason].” Or, to be asked, “Will you do [this] because [share your reason]?”

      Under the stars Answered on September 29, 2019.
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        Your post is confusing. You say, “I don’t much care for regular BJ’s” and “it’s too intense and not that pleasurable.” Can you explain why you want to “train” your wife to do something you don’t like?

        If the bottom line is that you want her to suck on your testicles every time, why not just ask her instead of being manipulative? Explain to her why you like it and I think if you also mention why you like full body contact, she might see that as a positive.

        Fell out of ... Answered on September 29, 2019.

        I was sensitive when I was younger and did not enjoy the conventional BJ.  But I found out later I liked attention just a little lower.

        I wasn’t manipulative.  I asked.  My wife was hesitant, but willing, and told me to choose between that and the position I wanted later.  I chose OS.  But I could tell she wasn’t thrilled.  The question is to ask her to do something she doesn’t like to get her used to it.

        Insist was probably a poor choice of words.  The issue I’m trying to discuss here is ‘standing up for’ what you want if your spouse isn’t thrilled.  I think many of us would agree that that’s reasonable for intercourse.

        on September 30, 2019.
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          I would say each marriage is different, What is working in your marriage may not work in another marriage. Personally I do not see anything wrong with requesting something from your spouse. Even if they had previously said NO asking another day is not bad once you want it. Training her to like something you desire is not wrong , its all about communication. I want to believe your spouse will communicate with you if you tell her want you want. We are all different and wonderfully made. And once love is involved multitudes of “sin” (dislikes, wrongs, etc) are covered.

          All that am saying is, communicate with your wife what you need/want and I believe she will give you an answer. Remember an answer could be YES (I will), NO (I cannot do that) and NOT NOW(will do it later/some other day. God bless you

          Queen bed Answered on September 30, 2019.
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            We live in very confusing times.   I’ve read wives on this board (and others) express enjoyment and excitement at “being taken” by their husbands  and even occasional disappointment that their husbands don’t exert more assertiveness (aggressiveness?) or “roughness” in “taking” them.  At the same time, Christian husbands are to honor their wives as the weaker vessel and not be manipulative or physically overpowering… not to mention the confusion introduced by and corrosive effect of the “#metoo”  movement on married sexuality- even rare court cases where husbands are being found guilty of “raping” their wives.

            My DW is almost always “available” with varying degrees of enthusiasm for lovemaking but only for a vanilla menu ( missionary PIV or WOT but no OS or AP either way.)  About 12-15 years ago we were emotionally estranged over disagreement in how to respond to the outright rebellion of one of our sons (and her concealment of some of it from me which created huge trust issues between us) and, although we remained together through that period, our lovemaking was mechanical and joyless.  There were plenty of times when masturbating was more pleasurable than ML to her and I am sure that it was the same for her.  So, in comparison, where we are today – honest enjoyment of “vanilla” sex is much better but I desire to take our MB to a new level, closer to where we were pre-children 40 or so years ago (at least to the degree we are physically able) but she is happy where we are and doesn’t understand why I want more.

            I would love to get her involved on this board to be exposed to sex-healthy attitudes of the Christian wives here.  I have sent her the link more than once and have asked her to lurk if she doesn’t want to post but as far as I can tell, she hasn’t even taken a look..  She is a very private person and probably would be horrified that I am discussing our MB with others, even anonymously.  So, desiring cunnilingus (and eventually fellatio) should I just “take her” or continue to try to persuade her to open up the playbook which hasn’t yielded any results to far?

            Hammock Answered on September 30, 2019.

            My first impression, yes, put some action behind your words. It could likely be a process. You may go down and she pull you up, multiple times, but it gives you an opportunity to express your desire with action and verbally. It gives you the opportunity to share how and why you want it, while trying to assure her in any unspoken insecurities she may be feeling.

            Maybe the worst case scenario, is she gets angry and stops the action… but again, that opens a door for you step through and do some heart to heart. But you have to be brave enough to step through that door when or if it opens.

            on September 30, 2019.
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              Thank you SC.  An opportunity (travel) to change the game is approaching and I will take your advice to heart.

              Hammock Answered on September 30, 2019.

              I was just pondering suggesting a beyond-the-normal experience in which to try a little more forceful approach. When I think of a man being forceful, the way it is okay in my head (i.e. not rape or anything like it), besides the wife knowing she really could stop him at any moment if she wanted, is for his attitude to be “I am going to do this, whether you want me to or not, but don’t worry, you are definitely going to want me to,  I promise!” And of course, follow through by making it as mind-blowing as possible. I hope your trip is a complete revelation for her and a divine experience for you!

              on September 30, 2019.

              I see your point Duchess, but as I am thinking about it for myself, “How would I feel about that?  How would I respond?  What would the short term and long term results be?”  That attitude might be helpful and work once, or on the occasion, but not regularly.  If a wife has reservations and doubts, the long-term results may not be what he desires.  Maybe a husband can get a wife to push all those fears, uncertainties and doubts (FUDs) down in an act of passion.  But as soon as it’s done, the FUDs come rushing back, and the next time that resistance will be there, possibly even stronger.  That’s why, at least for me, those FUDs have to be addressed, not just ignored and shoved aside.

              I don’t know if all women have the same FUDs, I can only give insight from my own experience.  But I think every woman (person) fears rejection, they fear if someone knows the real them, they may be found lacking, unacceptable, unwanted, unlovable.

              There has to be a balance, and I can’t say that I’ve found that perfect balance, and I don’t envy any husband trying to “decode” his wife, because us women don’t even understand ourselves. 😉  I guess we all just need to learn to delight in the mystery. 🙂  

              on September 30, 2019.

              Duchess your “little more forceful approach” gives me another option. I am looking at the situation where spouse says no to OS but DH in the foreplay mood communicates with her about how great DW body is and tries exploring DW beautiful body. The exploration leads DH to the genitals area, DH continues to admire her and he sends his face closer, closer and closer to DW vulva and his tongue is out …..Hope in this situation DW gets the picture that DH wants to perform OS and if she remains silent that could suggest DH may carry on however if DW says NO. He has to stop and try another time till DW can now give the go ahead.

              on September 30, 2019.

              Thank you all for your insights and suggestions.  I get what SeekingChange is saying… I would really like to enable and encourage a long-term change beyond the “moment” prompted or enabled by different environment which won’t be present when we return from our travels.  And getting her to express her FUDs and addressing and affirming my delight concerning each, as Sam suggests in agreement with SeekingChange, is essential.  I have tried to do that but I will try harder. 

              I also appreciate what Duchess is saying: namely push through DWs objections making sure to blow her mind.  I’ve got to figure out how to do that when she is closing her legs and pulling my hair to pull me back up,.  There was a time earlier in our 45 yr marriage where we performed OS on each other, if not regularly, at least often enough to know how pleasurable and erotic it was for both of us… and the closeness we felt as a result.  She always Od when  went down on her, and I always respected her desire that I not finish in her mouth.  We both enjoyed it.  I can’t pinpoint what changed but looking back it coincided with stresses being created in raising our sons and disagreements in what the proper, healthy, Biblically sound responses to certain crises should be.  Our passion went on ice during that phase of our lives but thing are much better now… but we still have a ways to go.  Thank all of you for your wise and sincere counsel.

              on September 30, 2019.
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                @MrMarried, you said in a comment,  “Insist was probably a poor choice of words.  The issue I’m trying to discuss here is ‘standing up for’ what you want if your spouse isn’t thrilled.”

                I do strongly believe that each person ought to clearly state what they need and want.  We have to get away from making assumptions of others’ thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.  We have to get away from the assumption that our spouse automatically should know our thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs, even if we feel like we drop “obvious clues or hints”….that are more than likely, not so obvious.  This is called basic communucation.

                Yes, “stand up for” yourself.  Declare what you want and need, but don’t manipulate, which is the undercurrent given in the OP.  I am even a believer in challenging someone in their stance, especially if I believe it’s rooted in lies, like misconceptions, deception, distoration, perversion, etc.  Why would we not want someone we love to be free?  Because it might make us a little more uncomfortable? Shouldn’t we desire for them to walk in truth and to find healing and wholeness?

                Does this mean she will suddenly love OS? Not necessarily.  There are some preferences that aren’t rooted from lies, and just are simply preferences. Some are easier to work through than others.

                Under the stars Answered on September 30, 2019.
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