Is it me or has the subject matter gotten a bit dry?

Answered

    I came here to read about christian married people’s sex habits and solutions. Lately the content is so dry, I have nothing to think about or get encouraged about. 

    One word descriptions is limiting our literary ability. Talking about an affair should be short and done. 

    prayer for surgery should absolutely be done in groups such as local bible study, church groups or other places where christians gather.

    I am NOT saying to rule out prayer requests on TMB. Continue to do so AND title it. 

    But when I see a post on someones sexual technique or solutions, I read further.

    Prayer requests, I skip and wonder if that person is so isolated that they come to a web based christian commentary post page to get prayer requests made,  (I hope not.) instead of showing up in person at church or calling a prayer warrior on the phone or texting and letting the request be known.

    Perhaps I can demonstrate with my own prayer requests and you can see what I mean; my wife is sick constantly, our baby went in for surgery and after a week returned with an infection and my wife had to stay over night with her several nights, I am alone to care for 6 kids, I have not worked in 4 months and do not know what I should do about it as an over 50yr old, My adult son is in jail, my daughter in psych jail, my special needs kids are both NOT getting any school due to coved-19 orders to close schools, my oldest son is very disrespectful to my wife for unknown reasons and it makes her cry, my autistic son steals computer devices around the house and accesses gay porn-he will never respond to consequences and will repeat his gay behavior-he does know Christ…my wife is low sex drive and I am very high sex drive, my younger adult son lives with us and broke his ankle a week ago, my teen daughter will not obey to get up before noon without us going in and doing so, while my wife is in the hospital, I also care for a one year old.  

    The variations with my problems above often either get worse or slightly better but rest-assured, I need prayer…should I put it her where you all don’t know me, or……I can address 3 different christian groups I know who are a text away or at church? 

    Once again I am not saying we should stop prayer requests. Just a clarification help would suffice. 

    Hang in there my friend! Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, prayer and supplication, humility and obedience. Remember, as I heard in a sermon this morning – “God is bigger than the storm.”

    on July 9, 2020.

    don’t insult me. I have salvation.

    on July 14, 2020.

    Back up sir. That was a quote from the word of God. Do you think that insulting?  Do you think Paul meant to insult the audience – which were Christians? You should reconsider your attitude and indignation. Although I’m sure you think you know, but you should read Philippians 2:12-16 again. Then read the whole letter again. 

    on July 14, 2020.
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    12 Answer(s)
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      You know you are part of these boards and you can ask any type of sexual/marriage question to get conversations going. You have just as much responsibility in this as any other member, or maybe more since you are the one bothered about it.

      I also know from history, there are certain times things are slower because people are busier and don’t have the time to be here or to post as much. Summer is often one of those times.

      Under the stars Answered on July 9, 2020.

      ok. makes sense.

      on July 14, 2020.
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        @CJ – This is a community where all are welcome to participate with decorum and within the board guidelines. How about considering the tone and tenor of your comments? Are they welcoming to those who have shared from deep vulnerability? Is it Christ-like and does it honor the person and their issues?

        I don’t believe your comments above are welcoming or helpful to our community. They seem to be without any empathy for those who write something deeply personal and emotional and who have every right to be here, share and ask for help or prayer as you do. To be honest, your opening sentence and your complaint about being boring begs the question, are you here for the sexual titillation and entertainment or actual help, especially in light of the multiple times you’ve downplayed the Biblical and corporate, experiential wisdom that’s been given from Godly, wise people? As SC said, this forum is made up of people so if you want to ask a question, then ask, and like everything else, skip what doesn’t interest you.

        CJ, it appears to me that many of your words over the past 4 months have been written with harsh tones, ignoring others’ feelings, honesty and vulnerability, all while you have waxed braggadociously that you are a well-trained, highly educated, know-it-all and Bible scholar rather than what you’ve just professed above (or in other posts) as coming from a difficult home life and marriage, many years of unemployment, near sexless marriage for the greater part of 10 years but yet say you’ve come hear to come to learn. And yet, I’ve noticed when suggestions have been made, you’ve written time and time again how those will not work in your situation, sometimes not because you’ve attempted or tried, but because you just know everything about yourself and your wife and therefore, you know the predetermined outcome so you won’t actually try the collective wisdom shared and see if you get a different result when you stay the course and work through the situation. My dad always said to me, “Son, perfect people are either perfect to begin with or mighty stubborn thereafter.” If you do know it all, what would it be like to show a little more empathy to others as you share your wisdom? How about expressing gentle encouragement and offering truth with humility and love?

        A little historical perspective, this forum has changed over the years as it has grown in people and content. I have been participating on the TMB forum since 2004-05.  I was here a couple years before my then-wife’s affair, through that dark time, and post divorce for awhile until the guidelines at the time said I needed to leave. I returned when my situation changed four years ago. Personally, I greatly miss and loved the old forum format/interface. One of my frustrations with this new format is the fact that I cannot see when something is new since my last visit. The old forum was divided into sections so if you weren’t interested in various categories like a couple of the posts/questions you complained about, you didn’t have to see them in the main feed. Also, one couldn’t see certain parts of the site without application and approval and the user had the opportunity to cater their site experience based on one’s preferences so if someone didn’t want to see certain sections like PRAYERS REQUESTS or INFIDELITY or OLD PEOPLE SEX or SINGLES, etc, they didn’t have to, Another great feature on the old interface was that there were indicators of new posts with a quick glance at the main forum page. Again, I loved it and my online Christian friends but this site and the ministry leaders, in order to continue, decided it couldn’t be maintained that way for a variety of reasons. Oh well. 

        At this point, it is what it is and I’m grateful for a place that I can dialogue with fellow Christians about issues that are always pertinent topics, some that can be discussed from the pulpit and others that should be, grow in my faith, and discover new insights and practical tips to better myself and to better love and serve my wife, marriage and marriage bed.

        Under the stars Answered on July 10, 2020.

        I’m with you, there were a lot of benefits to the old that just aren’t here, but very thankful for this place!  I have visited other Christian marriage/sex forums,  and this place really surpasses all that is out there… or at least with what I have come across.

        on July 10, 2020.

        AMEN!

        on July 10, 2020.

        NWNL – you have my respect.

        on July 10, 2020.
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          I want to jump in on the whole prayer thing as having been one who posted a request for prayer early on when my dad got hit with the virus. It matters not whether I know you or not, there can never be enough people praying. Did I go to my church asking prayer for him? Yes. Did I reach out to my Face Book friends asking prayer from them? Yes. Did both groups pass it on to their friends? Yes. Asking for prayer by this group is to me no different than a person showing up at a Bible study or a prayer meeting and asking prayer for their neighbors Bill and Sue whose daughter was going through something needing prayer. In that case I probably don’t know Bill or Sue, but I can still pray for the situation. We are told to pray. We are not told to pray only for those we know.  In my request I felt comfortable enough with this group to know that many would pray and did for which I was extremely grateful and gladly reported my Dad’s recovery so that we could all rejoice and give God praise.  There are times when I am reading a thread by someone here who has not requested prayer but is merely asking for advice or sharing something personal for which I pause and say “wow, that person needs prayer” and then do so.  TMB is more than just things related only to sex or positions or likes and dislikes or what ifs. If I can use the term “wholistic” TMB encompasses body, mind, and spirit. It is just as much or perhaps more so spiritual as it is physical. The suggestions offered are ways to enhance and build TMB as we consider the oneness and unity that comes from it and to remember that the physical union is symbolic of the union we have with Christ. Asking prayer from this forum is just as important in providing a sense of balance for TMB as is asking advice on positions or toys, etc.  If there is a sense of dryness as one reads the various questions and comments, perhaps start with prayer before you begin to read so that you have fresh eyes and an open heart.

          On the floor Answered on July 9, 2020.
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            @LBD, I find it interesting that you believe the church are only the people you can interact with face to face and you know their names. It seems like a small-box approach. I see it, and absolutely believe it, differently, otherwise I wouldn’t invest so much time and energy here. THIS IS the body of Christ. THIS IS the Church. THIS IS A legitimate, God-blessed ministry. THESE ARE my brothers and sisters in Christ (with a few exceptions, which is true in the 4-walls of a church building as well.) THIS IS a part of the body of Christ, as a ministry, fulfilling the purpose God designed it for. Each believer here has different giftngs, different callings, but the same Spirit, and we can bring the different aspects and perspectives to help create a whole body….just like a local church. One day, the veil will be removed, and we will be standing beside others here, fully knowing them for eternity…do we really want to say this isn’t real? Yes, there are benefits to face to face relationships, but to diminish other options and other ministries to make your way seem better, isn’t the answer.

            People ask for prayer here, because we ought to be a praying and believing people. I absolutely believe just because a person is anonymous to me, they are known by God, and these anonymous prayers are just as effective.

            Under the stars Answered on July 9, 2020.

            “I find it interesting that you believe the church are only the people you can interact with face to face and you know their names.”   

            I don’t believe I said that anywhere, or show me where if I did. Nor do I believe or practice such exclusivity. If that was the case, how would the gospel ever breach the walls of the church? However, what I am saying is that there is simply not enough true community inside the walls of the church far too often and that can be a driver of such a place as this (and I know the church has not walls, because it is the people and not the building – it’s a metaphor). On the inside  is  where we should feel the most comfortable, but many actually feel it there the least. That is sad. I believe it grieves  the Lord.

            Everything I have ever spoken of here I have shared with at least one close brother, plus more than I have ever shared here. I would never suggest we should air all laundry for public consumption. Nor should we seek the counsel of the unwise. Sadly, many have never cultivated such relationships inside the church, for various reason. That should change. Having an anonymous outlet can be a hindrance to that effort.

            ALL here are your brethren? Do you really believe that? Jesus would advise otherwise – Mat 7:15  I have even heard talk of not only wolves around here, but TROLLS!  Maybe they are just wolves in troll clothing.

            I pray for people I do not know quite often. I pray for those I do know consistently – and I check on them – and I pray with them – and I pray when they need it, because I know them well enough to have a good idea when that is. That could be because I’m holding their hand, wiping tears from both our eyes.

            Christianity is about relationship.

            on July 9, 2020.
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              Dry or not, there is still plenty of food for thought for me. I still eagerly come here every day.

              As for the prayer part, I believe that anyone can pray for anyone. This would be one of the first places I would ask for prayers, especially for our marriage. I believe this is a praying group of people!

              @LBD, even though I have close friends IRL, I would not ask any of them for any specific help if we needed it in our marriage bed. Somehow, I couldn’t see getting together with them again, if they knew every aspect, but thats just me! I am extremely grateful for this forum! It has a much greater variety of input than would be humanely possible in my world IRL.

              Under the stars Answered on July 9, 2020.

              “food for thought” is certainly a valid reason to come here, or most anywhere really. Even bad advice can be food for good thought. I often visit or read in places I know going in I disagree with the foundational points, but I usually get some benefit from the exercise. I understand folks not wanting to share with others. It is a fear thing. You just elucidated your fear of losing a friendship over such. It takes a lot of willingness to be vulnerable as well as some valid judgement of the other person to know if they would be worthy of your trust. Few pass muster. But sadly, many never seek or try. It’s why we so seldom take scripture literally and “confess our sins one to another.” (that and a false sense of exclusive guilt put there by Satan)  How much are we shorting ourselves?  As for variety of input, you are quite probably correct in that – usually. But do you know  that to be the case, or just assuming it? I think we too often assume too much.

              on July 9, 2020.

              I know it to be the case in the people I know and have broached the subject. Don’t worry, I test the waters here and there. Also, I would never ask a friend to keep it confidential from her husband, so how would I know what she has told him!? I don’t like that idea too much!

              on July 9, 2020.

              I understand.

              I have a close friend, the kind that “sticketh closer than a brother”, that we are also close family friends. We both have shared things about our marriages and spousal relations that neither of us have shared with our own spouses. There are only a few people I would ever trust to that level, and I have never broken that trust. As far as I know, neither has he. True, there are times that it can be a little uncomfortable when we are all together. But we are adults seeking to live in Christian fellowship so you do what is right and build each other up, even in those uncomfortable times. That kind of confidence is worthy to cultivate and must be held. The lack of such is part of what drives people to places like this – as you have indicated. I’m not downing such, just that there is a great benefit from having those deeper friendships where real problems can be hashed out in person with someone who is equally invested.

              on July 10, 2020.
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                There is certainly a serious problem with this world where “virtuality” is replacing reality. The present circumstances have only exacerbated it. People need people. That will never change. We are herd animals – mostly. There are a few true hermits out there, but only a few. But there is a problem when you engage “real people”. You are at risk of exposing the real you to real criticism and real vulnerability. But that was exactly the plan when the church was established, and even before. Christian fellowship was never meant to be anonymous or piecemeal. IMO, “social media” is just about the most un-social thing mankind has devised. I put such forums as this in that broader category. We get to “socialize” with no risk or accountability. If I’m a rectal orifice to others, no problem. Just change my name and go at it again. If I’m a predator, no problem. Just change my disguise and continue to feed. It is a bane to our society.

                Scripture says “the prayers of a righteous man avails much.” I would not be so harsh as to cast judgement on anyone here as being unrighteous, and the question of who’s righteous is one only God can answer in full. But if I have a personal relationship with my brother, there is a good chance I can see who needs prayer from whom and for what. And those prayers can be much more specific and, perhaps, avail more than the general “be with so-is-so” ones – not that those aren’t of any value.

                Your point is well taken though. Perhaps one that would come here and make such a prayer request should also ask themselves why are they choosing such a route to connect with God, and are they taking advantage of the routes the Lord has already set before us? If not, why not? Scripture says if anyone is ill, have them present themselves to the elders for prayer and anointing. Have they taken advantage of that (which is a submissive act)? Have they built the relationships that allow us to confess to and pray for one another in open sincerity?

                It also says to go into your closet and there open your heart to God. I believe part of that guidance is to keep us from consciously or subconsciously relying on another human in our connection with the almighty. In private, flowery words mean little. Who else hearing our prayer is no  longer a concern. We cannot be long diverted into trying to impress others with our prayer if they happen in private. It is again an act of submission of our spirit to HIS.

                May I suggest CJ, that rather than being perturbed, however slightly, about these things, rather go into your closet. I know you do. But ask yourself why this particular aspect is bothering you. And then what can you do to address that.

                Then ask yourself another very hard question – if your sex life is on the rocks, and your life struggles are beating you down, why waste your time coming here in the first place? What does learning about someone else’s gymnastic exploits and orgasmic highs in bed do for your situation? Does it help it? Or does it make you bitter?

                I think I know why places like this exist. It is the general failure of the people in the churches and families, to not do and say and teach correctly and fully. Places like this are truly a sad commentary on that failure. For instance, I wonder how many fathers of sons, when the sons were young married, advised them on how to sexually interact with his new bride? Not just “You’ll figure it out”, but details, anatomy, experience? Almost never get such in a God honoring church education setting. (I understand the propriety needed there, and the tact required.) How many conversations have you had with Christian men and women, you know personally, that delved into the gory details of sex? Ones that weren’t just School-yard brags or locker room machismo? When was the last time you told your brother about the problem with PE you’ve been struggling with, and not in a joking manner? Or the last time you ask your sister how to achieve orgasm since you haven’t had one in years? Probably not that often. But we come here to get advice from strangers instead. In one very real sense, places like this work directly toward the breakdown of the church itself by providing an anonymous outlet to the things that should we should be building our brother and sister up with, directly, in love.

                But we feel like we “just can’t share that!”, or are simply afraid to. And the truth is, many of those brothers and sisters couldn’t handle it if we did. Further sadness. So rather than trying to repair our world, we seek another one where we don’t have to be afraid and don’t have to risk real vulnerability or real judgement. If I don’t like what someone here says to me, so what? There’s no consequence. If I blow up in irate vitriol, I might get banned….so what! I know it’s called a “community.” That’s really foolishness IMO. It can be a place to dump some feelings off and see what others might think about the while you decide what to really do. But what real value is knowing what a bunch of anonymous strangers from all over the world think about more anonymous strangers?  Don’t we all have people close to us that are hurting, struggling, reaching for a life boat? What are the odds of saving one of those verses saving someone who anonymously writes something here? I know the argument- “those around me aren’t crying out, people here are!” Poor excuse IMO. It’s my  experience that those close to us are crying out, we’re just not listening, and likely for our own selfish reasons.

                There’s work to do. I think I’ve about talked myself out the door. Don’t worry, I won’t let it hit me in the arse….

                On the floor Answered on July 9, 2020.
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                  Isn’t there a specific Category for prayer requests? (I don’t mind if one is requested during the course of posting on another topic… ) If you personally do not care to read prayer requests or do not have one yourself, then just skip over that Category…

                  As for “dry content”, why not contribute something yourself???

                  I have a lot going on in my life that is leading to some feelings in me that keep me from posting often right now, rather than using this forum to dump my caustic, bitter emotions on. Hopefully i’m doing a good job of it.  It’s not anyone’s fault here that i feel the way i feel right now.  This does not mean that i cannot post about my frustrations in hope that i will get support and MOVE past it but sometimes i just have to choose to step back and work through things rather than use this forum as a dumping ground.

                  Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on July 11, 2020.

                  Yes, there is a category for PRAYERS.  However, unlike the old forum, all the “questions” get lumped together on the HOME page when people look at this forum rather than having separate “landing” or “viewing” areas for individual topics.

                  May God bless you with wisdom and strength to keep going even when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Besides everything else going on, this pandemic has added a lot of stress and anxiety on top of that to everyone and it’s hard to distinguish what is reality with all the caustic impatience on social media AND in real life.

                  on July 11, 2020.

                  Thank you, i did love the old forum but i also like this one and just don’t click on the posts that don’t interest me. i do wish there were more people here, though.  I was trying to get a message across to CJ, i don’t understand what he meant by “dry” and to encourage him to post something that in his opinion would “get things going” instead of complaining about what it is now…

                  i don’t know… i get the bitterness (that may be an overstatement) but i also think some restraint is in order when on a forum with others so that you don’t in effect punish others for what you are going through.

                  I’m going to be OK. Corona and the absolute madness of the world now aside, it’s the health problems that husband and i are going through that are hard.  Zero sex life but there is no way i am going to commiserate on that. Age and health have a way of tempering you and making you thankful of any good thing.  I imagine our sex life will resume (husband has a catheter in right now and it will be 2 wks on Thursday, hopefully we will have a good report here soon) and we will be OK with anything we can get after that point.

                  As far as my attitude, i have to be really careful not to rain on someone else’s parade when they are sharing their successes in their sex life and be happy for them.  But that’s also part of the Christian life is to constantly submit themselves to the Holy Spirit 🙂

                  on July 11, 2020.
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                    I gotcha

                    Fell out of ... Answered on July 9, 2020.
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                      I agree with C. Joseph.

                      King bed Answered on July 9, 2020.
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                        This may deserve it’s own “question”, a mod can make it one if they choose.

                        I am reading a book titled “A Practical Guide to Culture: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Culture in Today’s World”. It is a great and easy read, refreshingly frank and pertinent so far. I just read this excerpt this morning and it speaks directly to what I am trying to say here. I’ll not try to improve upon it, just give it a read: (the author referenced is Sherry Turkle, psychologist and professor of social studies and technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).

                          • For nearly thirty years, Turkle has studied the impact of computer and online technology on people and their relationships. “Not that long ago,” she says, “we were trying to figure out how we would keep our computers busy.… [Now,] they keep us busy. It’s kind of as though we are their killer app.” Along the way, Turkle’s perspective on life in the digital age has evolved with the technology she studies. Her first book, The Second Self: Computers and the Human Spirit, was written in 1984, well before the invention of the World Wide Web. Back then, computers were basically enormous calculators, used for spreadsheets, programming code, and primitive games. Yet Turkle saw that computers were becoming more than machines to use. They would become, she predicted, extensions of ourselves. She was correct. In 1997, Turkle published Life on the Screen: Identity in the Age of the Internet. Though many of us were online by then, websites were informational but not interactive. People got together in chat rooms, but social-media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat were still a decade away. Smartphones weren’t very smart (no one had heard of an iPhone), emails were sent with annoying swishing sounds, and people spent most of the day off line. As in her earlier book, Turkle was prophetic. When people went online, she realized, they were doing more than expressing themselves. They were exploring alternative selves. Turkle predicted that online life, unlike real life, would make possible new ways of thinking about identity: decentered, virtual, and not bound by gender, age, or physical, ethnic, and geographic limitations. Online, people could be whoever they wanted to be. What Turkle’s first two books had in common, other than eerily accurate predictions, was optimism. When I first read Life on the Screen in seminary, I found her celebration of dissatisfied fifty-seven-year-old men becoming virtual eighteen-year-old girls more than a little strange. We were watching the intersection of human evolution and postmodern identity, she believed, and back then she didn’t see a downside. Today she does. When I asked Turkle why the tone of Alone Together was so different from that of her earlier books, she replied, “I wasn’t prescient.” Then she added, “And I do have a teenage daughter.” In the fifteen years between her second and third books, her optimism about online life turned into deep concern about the state of human relationships. “We’re designing technologies that will give us the illusion of companionship,” Turkle says, “without the demands of friendship.” With everyone controlling their own little technogadget worlds, no one is vulnerable. Eye contact is rare. Increasingly, as the title suggests, we are learning to be alone together.

                         

                        In my opinion, this phenomenon outlined very well above will continue to be a wedge that slowly but surely splits relationships and even the church. It’s ironic when I see a meme on social media saying something along the lines of “it’s obvious many of you have never been punched in the face for being stupid!” – because that’s so correct. No accountability breeds reckless stupidity. Quite literally even. And it breeds ignorance, and lack of compassion and real empathy. The kind of empathy that you feel. The kind that requires you to get involved and know and be known. That’s what made the church strong centuries ago. The lack of it is killing the church now.

                        On the floor Answered on July 11, 2020.
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