Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?

    In my 6+ years of really trying to work on my sexuality, making changes, and trying to understand my husband and men, there’s still some areas I really struggle with understanding.

    I have heard men say that it’s not all about the sex, they aren’t using their wives for sex, etc.  And I have felt and heard other women talk about feeling used and all their husbands only care about sex.

    What other message can be derived when a husband makes choices solely around his belief of his chances at sex?

    This seems to be my husband’s priorities:

    1) Sex

    2) Urgent matters

    3) Me

     

    We had a situation this weekend that made this very clear… and I even pointed it out to him this morning, he saw it, and I asked him what message that gives. He had no answer but to say he really loves me and such.  I plan to bring it up again. How does a wife work through that? Is there a positive way to look at this kind of situation without feeling unloved, demeaned and used?  Surely there’s a logical and good reasoning or explanation behind this?  Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her? (Even though it makes her feel that’s all he cares about.)

    What’s your experiences? What are your thoughts and perspectives?

     

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    23 Answer(s)

      I don’t have much to add, but I had several hours of driving today, to think about this. You all have had such good thoughts.

      In my black and white view (sorry, its my temperament!), if sex is a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her, wouldn’t emotional intimacy, connection and love, be the other magnetic force that keeps a woman drawing closer to her husband, pursuing him, and staying committed to him? Without either, a marriage is a far cry from what it could be.

      Fell out of ... Answered on November 18, 2019.

      Very well spoken (typed).

      Expanding on that, would you agree that both sexes/drives have some of both? There are certainly times that the emotional intimacy/connection/love are the dominant driving force in me, even as the HD/male.

      -Scott

      on November 18, 2019.

      That sounds logical to me 🙂  Why do many wives ask so many questions of their husbands?  Why do they keep pressing for him to open up and share about their day or how they are feeling?

      Because I am kind of handicapped in the emotional department 😉 I have a harder time speaking from this perspective. I would love to hear others’ take on it.

      on November 18, 2019.

      Scott, I think both can have some of each, or maybe at different times, one spouse has one or the other.

      SC, I have no answers. Many times, I ask my DH how his day was. He has maybe asked me 5 times in all our marriage. He also said he never thinks of saying ‘I Love You’ until I say it first. There are so many other ways that he shows me love, that I don’t allow myself to get all wound up about a few small things. My friend says to choose your battles carefully! I am going to try showing him more respect and telling him I Love You less. If he doesn’t think about it, I will try to come up with a way he will feel more emotionally connected to me.

      on November 18, 2019.

      Men and women are different. Breathe, eat and have sex the primal urges.  But women have the primary responsibility to have and nurture children. Children is why the urge for sex is embedded in our DNA. Men are designed to want to distribute their seed.  So laws or “sins” were written to keep men in the position to protect the mom and child. Hence we have marriage. After the instinct to have babies ends for woman, does her desire for sex also die?

      on November 20, 2019.
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        This is interesting, and a good question for sure!   For me.. I’m HD (like hyperdrive) and my mind can skip to sex in a second.  We can be playing scrabble and something could make me think of sex.  This can give the illusion and perception that its ALL I think about or care about.  In fact, DW and I have had a similar conversation to the one you’re describing, where she says something that alludes to her feeling used for sex or “as long as you get sex you’re happy”.  Typically those comments are in moments of frustration related to other things.  I do my best to try to let her know how valued she is outside of the bedroom.  This has been an intentional act from me in the past few months.  Daily affirmations, both about physical beauty and non-physical traits.

        To plainly answer your question, however, the honest answer is “I’m not sure”.  I thought it was a good hypothesis then began thinking of the HD wives who have low to no drive husbands.  For me, I don’t ONLY care about sex.. I care about my wife, BUT.. in part what makes her a wife and not a friend.. is sex.  That is an important aspect.  It also shows me that she craves me and cares fully about me.  If she wants me to care for her fully “outside of the bedroom” isn’t it fair to ask that she fully care about me “inside the bedroom”.  Luckily and by His grace, our drives and desires align pretty closely so it’s rarely an issue, but when it has been an issue, it has been a byproduct of a different unrelated issue.

         

        I’m not sure if any of this is making sense.  I keep getting interrupted by work 🙂  Perhaps I should get back to it.

        Queen bed Answered on November 18, 2019.

        Your “HD (like hyperdrive)” makes me laugh, because that is my husband and has pretty much has always been my husband except for a couple of years with lower T.

        on November 18, 2019.
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          Good question. Simple answer is yes. (And if I stopped there, I would avoid a plethora of potential minefields! LOL!)

          That is likely a helpful analogy you imbedded in your question: “Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?”

          But as you aptly state and understand, there is much more involved than that alone.

          Yet, if sex is (in part, at least) a God-given magnetic force, it would seem that there would be a God-given corresponding magnetic force that would keep a wife drawn to her husband, pursuing him, and staying committed to him? Or, would God have instilled a force that causes her to withdraw or retreat? I have my doubts.

          Or, is it really a one directional force? Like a magnet and a piece of metal? That would seem to me to be a design flaw which lacks mutuality.

          Since you offered the magnetic force as a analogy, I was led to think of two horseshoe shaped magnets. When both north poles face each other and both south poles face each other they repel aggressively. But when the opposite poles face each other, they have a strong attractive response.

          So, where powerful sexual differences exist, might it be that one or both spouses are orientating their poles in the wrong direction?

          It seems to me it is God’s plan that they attract. Whereas since the beginning it has been Satan and the forces of evil intentional mode of operation to cause the opposite result.

          You also raise the topic of priorities. Similar to properly aligning our own “magnetic” poles (or, if you like, our sexual organs), our priorities also must be rightly aligned by the unitive power of God’s Spirit.

          Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.

          I like how you drew that even further!

          on November 18, 2019.
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            No, I see sex as the God-given form of unity, where two become one. Sex should be what’s pulling a married couple together, not a way to drive them apart. It seems, from reading so many of your posts, that sex isn’t a priority, it’s an obsession that can never be satisfied, no matter what you do. God designed sex to be pleasurable for both male and female. If it’s not, that’s what needs to be explored: why doesn’t sex make me feel unified with my spouse? In your case, it’s because that’s all you feel he cares about.

            Seriously, if sex is a priority over urgent matters, that’s an obsession. I think our sinful nature can take anything that’s God-given and good and turn it into something sinful.

            California King Answered on November 18, 2019.

            I couldn’t agree more

            on November 18, 2019.

            Would you agree that a sexual intimacy relationship in marriage is a picture of the spiritual intimate relationship Christ desires to have, or has, with us?

            If believing that is true, from the mystery spoken of in Eph. 5, could this “magnetic-force” of sex, I mention, be similar to the “God-shaped hole” often spoken of, that emptiness or desire all people have to draw them to God, but is often misused as people seek “love in all the wrong places”?

            If you aren’t following me, I am asking it this way, because I don’t see that it has to be an either/or situation… “either” my analogy, “or” your belief of it being about unity…. maybe there’s some of both at play?   If God placed in us a “God-shaped hole” to draw us to Christ, and the “one-flesh”  union is a picture of Christ and the church…. could not that “magnetic-force” or desire for sex (one-flesh union) be reflective of the unity Christ desires with us, His bride, His church?

            Just some thoughts, I would love to hear yours.  

            on November 18, 2019.

            My main disagreement is the non-Biblical underlying view in your original premise that God designed sex for the male primarily and that somehow that excuses a husband for being obsessed with having sex with his wife.

            Do you feel as though your DH has a hole in his life that he’s trying to fill with sex?

            on November 18, 2019.

            Do I feel that way? No. Could he be? Sure.

            on November 18, 2019.

            I know I never addressed this when I first read it, and every time I have reread it, I still get this twinge in me that I ought to say something, if only for clarification…..

            I personally don’t see that this idea supports or teaches that “God designed sex for the male primarily”…. there’s nothing saying that there aren’t other purposes for sex, nor that a woman can’t experience a similar magnetism.  Things are so multifaceted in God’s ways, and this is just one potential dimension I am asking about.

            But it’s okay if you disagree, you could be absolutely right.  I am seeking understanding, not stating “facts”.

            on November 20, 2019.

            That’s why I said, “underlying view.” It seems to be a general theme, both secular and in the Church, that all that men want is sex, and women are lower drive and just have to deal with it. No one has ever shown me any Biblical support for this and it’s something that really bothers me because I feel as though it harms the younger generation of women and can create a self-fulfilling prophecy in new marriages.

            on November 20, 2019.
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              Lots of angles to consider here.  But, when I read your original ask, Seeking Change, I saw myself.  I suspect my wife has had similar moments of questioning and wondering about me in the years we’ve been married.  Your question is a help, reminding guys like me how our reactions and asks can be felt and understood by the most important person in our world.

              Sex is a primary dimension of every married relationship, even if it’s not working very well; it can define a relationship at the most elemental level; it spills over into other aspects of the relationship; it can add to or subtract from the relationship; it never is neutral.  In God’s original design, I am convinced it was the signature of the divine, a union imagined to cement souls, conceive new life, and bring unspeakable pleasure.  Of course, like all things in the Creation, this has been corrupted.  Misunderstandings, power deferentials, self-preoccupation, fears and doubts, broken places, and all the rest can be birthed and fostered by our fumbled sexuality.

              Still, there is a beauty and wonder waiting for all of us in the sexual union of marriage, when we get it right.  I think all of us know that–and hopefully, all of us have had moments of experiencing that.  I know my wife and I have; we’ve had some misses, too.

              My wife loves me, deeply.  She respects me, admires me, and trusts me, completely.  It was inspiring to read, SeekingChange, your comment above in this thread (after you posed your question) outlining your affirmation of your husband, too.  He has a gift in that read that many men never receive.  For all of her commitment and love for me, though, my wife doesn’t always appreciate my sexual drive and constant appetite.

              We’ve talked about this many times.  My best explanation to her has been that sex is for me a constant companion, a hunger and thirst that cannot be ignored.  I wrestle with it every day.  Unless I am very intentional about focusing on other pursuits (e.g. “urgent matters”) it will try and take over the wheel.  I have learned to intentionally focus on the Word, in prayer, and submerge my sexual desire into that sea.  I have learned to work out, running the track at the gym, lifting weights, to retrain my physical impulses.  I have learned to dive into my work, which is a work I believe noble and find very satisfying (even as it can be very demanding).  I have learned to invest in doing good for others, taking a break from my sexual pursuit.

              And, I have learned to focus on my family–and especially my wife.  How can I nourish and please her?  One more Hallmark Christmas movie?  I’m not trying to be flip here, I just know she really finds watching the Hallmark channel these days, with me by her side, to be a pleasurable and fulfilling experience.  I’m good with it (although the plots are predictable, the stage is impossibly picture perfect, the sentimentality is palpable, and, full disclosure, I find my mind wandering into a sexual realm watching the movies, imagining what the lead handsome guy is going to end up doing with the pretty girl next door, although that is never portrayed, just implied : ).

              My wife loves to cook and see me in the kitchen.  She is always pleased when I offer to clean the bathrooms.  She loves it when I work up a sweat in the yard, preparing the flower garden every spring that is so important to her.  And so on.  I know that by investing in these simple gifts that bring her life, I am also bringing my raging hormones into  line.

              But, I cannot shake the hormones and my hunger and thirst for her:  holding her close, feeling her skin, seeing her naked, caressing her every part, head to toe, consummating a sexual act.  I’ve been good at keeping that sexual hunger focused on her and her alone; but the hunger is real.

              When I’m starved–especially if some days have passed by without being able to dine at her table–I can get cross.  I find myself prone to withdraw.  When I conclude that there is no near-term hope for sex, I am naturally driven to submerge my desire in one of the ways named above (reading the Word and prayer, running off to the gym, finishing up a work project, retreating with the kids, whatever).  It’s so difficult to sit still with my wife, sometimes, and know that her sexuality is closed off.  It’s boorish.  It’s lame.  But, it is a guy-thing.  No excuse here, just a reality bite.

              What to do?  Speak openly and thoughtfully about these things.  My wife can withdraw from me just like I can from her when her expectations are not met.  It’s a two-way street.  It’s just that our expectations are not always aligned.

              In an important way, my wife is reassured by my constant hunger for her.  She knows I am attracted to her, that I would do anything for her, and that I dream of her, only.  When she is not in the mood or unable to focus on sex at the mere mention of the name, it is on me to reassure her of my love otherwise,  On the other side of the coin, it is on her to reassure me that I am one, amazing, and desirable hunk of a man, even when sex is not on offer that day.  Every guy craves this.  And, it’s a good way to address his appetite and drive, putting it back in the box for awhile.

              Is sex a God-given magnet for a man in marriage?  Should be.  Can be.  Yes, it is.  It can be a magnet for a woman in marriage, too, drawing her to her husband.  Every husband I know longs for it to be so.

              Thanks, SeekingChange, for opening the door for this thoughtful conversation.

               

               

               

               

               

              Queen bed Answered on November 19, 2019.

              Thank you for sharing. I can see that my husband would relate to you well, and I can see in your description things he has tried to communicate and do. I know my husband has an addictive (obsessive) personality. And just as with sugar, when you have some, you want more, that seems to be him with me. He honestly can’t get enough of me….which does give me a confidence in our relationship. I have NEVER worried about him straying with another woman….though the church has done a pretty good job at playing his mistress 😉 …. When something is good, he desires better. I have joked with him often about how he lives by “if a little is good, a lot is better”…. more than one dish he has made became inedible by the rest of the family 😀

              As someone asked me of my husband, I ask you, because I am truly interested in your perspective, because you may give me insight in how my husband feels…… do you feel you have a hole in your life you are trying to fill with sex?

              on November 19, 2019.

              What he said!!!

              on November 20, 2019.

              “… do you feel you have a hole in your life you are trying to fill with sex?”  Hmmm.  That’s a question.  A fair one.

              Straight up short answer:  No, I don’t think so.  I think I am a healthy male with a healthy sexual appetite, committed to managing that appetite within the boundaries of a Christian marriage.

              Of course, I am on a journey, hopefully growing better by the day, learning more about myself, about the Lord’s calling and purposes for me, and how I embrace more of the mind of Christ.  It is in my relationship with my Maker, made possible by Christ and my faith in Him, that I become whole.  I am certain that there are some “holes” (gaps, broken places) in me that need the Spirit’s attention.  I’m trying to stay tuned and pliable in His hands.

              That said, sex is a powerful driver in my sense of being, my identity, my ambition.  I often thank God for making me a man, for giving me this gift of masculine sexuality, and for giving me the chance to share it with my wife.  I thank God for her.

              I married for many reasons:  I longed to have a family.  I longed to have that ultimate relationship of transparent safety that marriage can bring.  I wanted to protect someone, provide for someone, and honor someone–and receive in kind back from my spouse.  I wanted to experience God with someone, believing that God expressed His nature (“image”) in both “male and female” and that the union of gender (physically and spiritually in a marriage) gives us the most complete sense of His being and Self.  I wanted to travel a lifetime of adventure, with its up’s and down’s, with a woman who would call the best out of me.  I found her.

              And, yes, I married for sex.  My value frame, as a follower of Jesus, does not permit me to pursue sex outside of marriage.  But, within marriage, I understood before I said, “I do,” and after, that I was (and am) free to drink from the well, routinely and often.  I do not see this as a “hole” to be filled so much as the fulfillment of who God created me to be.  I believe my wife admires that about me; I believe she married me for the same reasons, understanding herself in similar ways (although sex was not at the top of her list as it was likely mine).  The sex I enjoy so much is also a gift to my wife; she finds pleasure in it, too.  I bring her crazy pleasure and give her life in bed (as she does me).  If I did not believe that–if she had not convinced me of that–I would be one frustrated and unhappy guy.

              This is not to say I’ve got it all together or that I am a sensitive husband or a great lover or a stand out in any other way.  It is simply to say that my sexual hunger is a healthy part of who I am and not an escape, something with which I compensate of other deficiencies, or an addiction.

              Sex is not my master.  I am the master of my sex.  Food is not my master.  I am the master of my food.  And so on.  With this in mind, I try and eat responsibly–but, make no mistake about it, I really enjoy eating.  Sex the same.  And there are certain foods I prefer and consider treats.  Sex the same.  Asking for a meal, enjoying a meal, and going back to the table later for more is not evidence of anything but the gift of pleasure and nourishment that food can bring.  Sex the same.

              When I eat–or when I am dining on sex–I must be conscious of the experience of my wife, of course.  Sometimes, I grab a snack alone, when she’s not hungry, because our body clocks are not always in sync.  Sometimes, I jack off alone, because my wife is not then hungry for sex.  But, as often as possible, I like to eat with–and to enjoy sex–with her.

              Because I could lean into obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behavior, I must discipline myself and be careful that I do not allow my sexual appetite to crowd out other, also important, parts of me.  When I was a very young man, it might have been accurate to say I used sex to fill a void it was not designed to fill.  But, these days, nope.  I am secure in my sense of being a man of God; I am confident with a healthy, whole sense of my sexuality.

              Last thought:  I have sometimes wondered how I would understand myself if by illness or injury I lost the capacity to sexually function.  Would life be worth living?  Would I have a future?  Would I stand tall and be confident on the stage of life?  My my sexuality plays such a foundational role in my concept of self, I have had to wonder.  I want to believe the answers to these questions would all be, “Yes,” knowing the Lord works everything for the good, even our losses.  I know that I am so much more that just an erection.  Perhaps, it is my willingness to stare this reality–the fragility of life and what we too often take today for granted–that drives me so passionately to enjoy what I have as long as I have it.

              Thanks for asking.

              on November 20, 2019.

              Thank you for answering.  I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just being blind or naive.   I answered “no” because I see it as just part of who my husband is.  My husband is a passionate man in ALL of life…. and sex is just one of those places he expresses that passion that is him.  He has had many, many comments in his years about his zeal and energy.  (Which is also why I am so easily over-shadowed, but that’s a different discussion 🙂 )  I, and I believe my husband, would also recognize that in his younger years, he was “mastered” by it and that he did use it to try to fill a hole.  I also believe that we both would admit that he is not fully “perfected” in Christ, so therefore, there are still areas to be sanctified that we just aren’t aware of yet.

              on November 20, 2019.
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                Yes and no. I think sex is the glue that holds things together until other bonds truly develop. Think of it as a graft in a fruit tree. The grafted limb would fall away pretty easily if there were ot something mechanically holding it in place. As the graft matures, the tape and twine serve less of a purpose.

                It isn’t a perfect analogy, but I think it is close.

                I know if sex was the only glue, that I would not be with my wife right now, and I suspect a lot of other men would say the same thing.

                California King Answered on November 18, 2019.

                I didn’t use the terminology of “glue” for a reason. I think it gives a different message and addresses something different. I understand what you are saying but I am not sure it is addressing the answer I am looking for.

                on November 18, 2019.

                I don’t think that your sequence of priorities is valid. I think that it is rooted in your perception at least as much as it appears to you to be set in the sequence you placed it in.

                I will try to explain, but I am not quite sure I can do so.

                The first thing I would say, is that there is no such thing as an absolute set of priorities. Things get moved up and down the list quite often, tho it might not seem so. Also the term urgent has many different connotations. Most take it to mean of highest importance, but that is bot very descriptive. What is urgent to you, might seem less so to another. It might still be bery important to that person, but they might look at it and say it can wait.

                An example would be sleep vs sex. For my wife, sleep always wins that argument, but for me, even if I have been up for 36 hours, I might be inclined to stay awake for another hour for a sexual encoumter. My wife in the other hand, would place sex second, even if she had only been awake for 14 or 16 hours. Does that mean sex is more important than sleep for me. No. I can know I need the sleep, but still postpone it if I want. Sleep is the more important need, but that doesn’t mean I can’t delay it long enough to do something I want.
                When you have a fire on your stove, grabbing a fire extinguisher and putting it out is a truly urgent matter. If it doesn’t reach that level of urgency, then there is room to do other things first, even if they are not technically as urgent.

                I think sex is one of those things that sometimes gets slipped into the set of priorities wherever you can fit it. It doesn’t detract from the urgency of other matters, but it needn’t be put off either.

                on November 18, 2019.

                I agree, priorities fluctuate, but in this specific incident, it will be hard to see his priorities any different than I stated.

                on November 18, 2019.

                Seeking, do you see that the ‘urgent matters’ that came up where actually ’Urgent’?

                Is it still the issue that he prioritises others ahead of what you believe should be more important to him?

                on November 19, 2019.

                Seeking,  bad internet held up your answers below, so don’t worry about responding.  You sort of have.

                And you may have just helped me understand how I have been able to work away from home for so long. What is that saying …… something about change only happens when the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same.

                You have given me a lot to think about.

                on November 19, 2019.

                You make me curious on all your alluding to Neil 🙂 but instead of getting nosy, I prayed for you.

                on November 19, 2019.
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                  There have been a lot of questions/topics the last couple weeks that deserve a lot of thought and a lengthy answer that I haven’t had time for…this is one of them (those other are still on the back burner being processed by me). But instead of nothing, I’ll give a quick answer and then come back for more later.

                  To make it light (speed), we’ll stick with the Star Wars theme (Hyperdrive) and hear what Obi-Wan Kenobi might say about a HD’s view of sex:

                  “It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”

                  While I’m being lighthearted (and do not mean offense, I know it’s a serious question), that’s not too different from how many HD men see it. Yes, it is a bit like the “glue” term that Doug used.

                  But it’s more than that, while sex can draw together, it can also wedge apart. It’s hard to imagine anything in this world pleasing me more than Zelda initiating, being excited, and suggesting new things in the MB…and she did that recently so I remember quite well how it feels. I would rather have that than winning the lottery. Similarly, it’s hard to imagine anything in this world hurting quite as much as being refused for seemingly no reason. Sure, there are some one-time things like the death of a child or similar, but those are extreme events. Keeping with the Star Wars theme, for HD men, sex is a powerful “force” that has the power to build or destroy. And that building or destroying can come from either the HD or the LD spouse, the man or the woman.

                  For a time, I wanted my HD taken away, even though I’m pretty sure I have an entirely normal drive. I asked God to take it away, as I felt it caused far more trouble than good. These days, I’ve changed my tune and pretty much see it as the “magnetic force” you describe. It is a very powerful tool that can cause much harm, but the good it can do is otherwordly when properly handled. It is an enormous burden to bear, but no more than the burden of being called to lead my wife and kids…I don’t know if burden is the right term, maybe yoke?

                  Also, I want you to revisit your 1/2/3 priority list you made. Comparing 1 & 2, what if you two were ML and someone broke into your room with a gun? Would #1 still be #1, or would #2 suddenly top it? Then think about 1 & 3…in your DH’s mind, #3 may be part of #1. These things are somewhat relative and a matter of perspective, and it appears that the urgent matters were not that urgent to top sex for your DH, plus he may be thinking that having sex is part of the you category. I realize that he may be (pretty much objectively) wrong in both of these categories, but it’s still a possibility that’s how he sees things. I also realize we the readers do not have enough information to say more definitely, so I’m just throwing out an option.

                  Okay…that ended up way longer than intended and not a “quick answer”, but I still might add more later. 🙄

                  -Scott

                  Hammock Answered on November 18, 2019.
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                    @Scott, (I answer vs comment because I believe it helps with the OP.)

                    I would bet money that my husband does view #1 with #3, but when #1 isn’t a part of the situation, #3 drops down on the priority list. Also, when #3 becomes a #2, I know he will make me a priority. But should I always have to set of all the alarms and flash red, for him to make me a priority over all other “urgent matters”?

                    Here’s a scenario…. he falsely believes #1 is off the table, therefore he chooses to focus on a #2 (all the way until 3:30 am on a morning he has to get up and “work”). At 1:30 I wake up not feeling well, the manner in which I felt, it made my anxiety rise and I was fighting keeping panic at bay. I call him (he’s downstairs, I am in bed) telling him I don’t feel well and ask him to come up. He asked if I could wait 5-10 minutes for him to finish, I reluctantly agree…. I honestly had the thought, if I die before he comes up, at least he will know something was going on…. and if you did the math, two hours later he comes up. (And I live 😉 )

                    This morning, he’s expressing how much he wants #1 with #3. I mentioned how he gave up his Saturday night opportunity. That’s when he realized he falsely assumed #1 was off the table. When asked directly, he admitted that if he knew sex was an option, he would have made some time in his work to come upstairs (not totally putting off #2)… YET, with a direct request of his presence from his #3 was delayed and ultimately rejected (and I rarely ask for things.)

                    Any positive spin a husband (or wife) want to put on that? I am truly looking for one, because I just can’t see anything but #1 being the most important, even if #3 is tied to it. #3 wasn’t enough, so as I see it, we can’t say #3 is the motivating factor.

                    Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.

                    Well that makes things clearer. Thanks for the sharing the somewhat-private details. I have a couple possible positive spins, but they will take too much time to type up during the day, so I’ll be back later. That said, as a DH it really stinks when we think #1 is off the table when it isn’t…ouch.

                    on November 18, 2019.
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                      I am having a hard time here…I hate to be blunt…but all I’m hearing is selfishness. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Eph 5:25 Jesus didn’t love the Church AFTER taking care of himself…he didn’t take care of the Church AFTER other matters…Jesus’s first priority is the Church and he loved us SO much, he died for us. Is he (your husband) sacrificing daily for you?? Because he darn sure is asking you to sacrifice for him.  When was the last time he did something, expecting nothing in return? I’ve spoke of my past…If I ever think about anything but serving and cherishing my wife FIRST, I am wrong. Nothing matters more then being selfless for her. If I’m asking for sex every day because I think I need it, I’m asking too much. I’m loving myself more than my wife’s heart. I’ll go a year without #1 for #3

                      Fell out of ... Answered on November 18, 2019.

                      And I forgot to add…the force that draws me to her and keeps me pursuing her is absolutely God…because I ask Him daily!…Daily to keep me in pursuit of my wife…why do I ask to ask daily? Cause I’m a sinner who outside of God will do the wrong thing.

                      on November 18, 2019.

                      My husband would say and has offered to “…go a year [as long as you need] without #1 for #3.”

                      Wouldn’t you say that is often easier to operate in a black and white world? If he knew the absolute boundaries, it would be easier to operate within them. But, when life is all shades of grey (no pun intended), doesn’t it make things harder and a lot more messy to know when and how to do things? How do you balance when to take a vulnerable step in or when to take a step back to show honor? And when a misstep happens, does that automatically equate “selfishness” or wrong motives? I am intentionally very slow to assign ( or judge) motives, no matter how I “feel”. I am a “thinker” first, a “feeler” last, with a “doer” in between.

                      It’s very realistic that selfishness could be at play, but I also know that it can’t be the only thing at play, even if it is a part.

                      on November 18, 2019.

                      And a little off-topic of OP but to address something you brought up….. Jesus didn’t display selfishness, but nor did He display complete selflessness. He left the crowds. He left the sick and needy. He left His teaching. He went away alone…to take care of Himself in relation with His Father. If we look at Jesus, we have to look at Him completely. (That lesson was freeing for me personally. )

                      on November 18, 2019.
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                        Regarding: ALL_IN’s answer:

                        Quick question: should “we the readers” (1) answer the question as asked in a vacuum, (2) answer it knowing the full context of what the asker has “publicly” divulged over time at TMB site, or (3) some combination of both? If #2, then ALL-IN has a potentially excellent answer. If #1, then maybe not so much. I am new enough here to not know typical expectations here.

                        And kudos to ALL-IN for the year without #1 for #3 statement.

                        -Scott

                        Hammock Answered on November 18, 2019.

                        Probably #3, both.  I personally look at the context.  If the OP does not mention anything personal, I answer it as #1…. but I have observed that many like to drag in all the OP’s history, even if that was not the OPs intent or desire (much like living in a small town 😉 )…. which I have seen it cause frustration in the OP.

                        For me personally, there are many, many times I am just bringing up topics for discussion, just to make others think, and to help broaden my general understanding and to learn on the topic and about others.  Many times any personal issues I bring up are after the fact and I have already worked through the majority of it….so I am not really looking for answers but using it as a learning opportunity for others and for authenticity’s sake.   On occasion, I bring up current situations where things are still raw….but I try to make that clear in my postings.

                        on November 18, 2019.
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