Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?
In my 6+ years of really trying to work on my sexuality, making changes, and trying to understand my husband and men, there’s still some areas I really struggle with understanding.
I have heard men say that it’s not all about the sex, they aren’t using their wives for sex, etc. And I have felt and heard other women talk about feeling used and all their husbands only care about sex.
What other message can be derived when a husband makes choices solely around his belief of his chances at sex?
This seems to be my husband’s priorities:
2) Urgent matters
We had a situation this weekend that made this very clear… and I even pointed it out to him this morning, he saw it, and I asked him what message that gives. He had no answer but to say he really loves me and such. I plan to bring it up again. How does a wife work through that? Is there a positive way to look at this kind of situation without feeling unloved, demeaned and used? Surely there’s a logical and good reasoning or explanation behind this? Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her? (Even though it makes her feel that’s all he cares about.)
What’s your experiences? What are your thoughts and perspectives?
I don’t have much to add, but I had several hours of driving today, to think about this. You all have had such good thoughts.
In my black and white view (sorry, its my temperament!), if sex is a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her, wouldn’t emotional intimacy, connection and love, be the other magnetic force that keeps a woman drawing closer to her husband, pursuing him, and staying committed to him? Without either, a marriage is a far cry from what it could be.
This is interesting, and a good question for sure! For me.. I’m HD (like hyperdrive) and my mind can skip to sex in a second. We can be playing scrabble and something could make me think of sex. This can give the illusion and perception that its ALL I think about or care about. In fact, DW and I have had a similar conversation to the one you’re describing, where she says something that alludes to her feeling used for sex or “as long as you get sex you’re happy”. Typically those comments are in moments of frustration related to other things. I do my best to try to let her know how valued she is outside of the bedroom. This has been an intentional act from me in the past few months. Daily affirmations, both about physical beauty and non-physical traits.
To plainly answer your question, however, the honest answer is “I’m not sure”. I thought it was a good hypothesis then began thinking of the HD wives who have low to no drive husbands. For me, I don’t ONLY care about sex.. I care about my wife, BUT.. in part what makes her a wife and not a friend.. is sex. That is an important aspect. It also shows me that she craves me and cares fully about me. If she wants me to care for her fully “outside of the bedroom” isn’t it fair to ask that she fully care about me “inside the bedroom”. Luckily and by His grace, our drives and desires align pretty closely so it’s rarely an issue, but when it has been an issue, it has been a byproduct of a different unrelated issue.
I’m not sure if any of this is making sense. I keep getting interrupted by work 🙂 Perhaps I should get back to it.
Good question. Simple answer is yes. (And if I stopped there, I would avoid a plethora of potential minefields! LOL!)
That is likely a helpful analogy you imbedded in your question: “Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?”
But as you aptly state and understand, there is much more involved than that alone.
Yet, if sex is (in part, at least) a God-given magnetic force, it would seem that there would be a God-given corresponding magnetic force that would keep a wife drawn to her husband, pursuing him, and staying committed to him? Or, would God have instilled a force that causes her to withdraw or retreat? I have my doubts.
Or, is it really a one directional force? Like a magnet and a piece of metal? That would seem to me to be a design flaw which lacks mutuality.
Since you offered the magnetic force as a analogy, I was led to think of two horseshoe shaped magnets. When both north poles face each other and both south poles face each other they repel aggressively. But when the opposite poles face each other, they have a strong attractive response.
So, where powerful sexual differences exist, might it be that one or both spouses are orientating their poles in the wrong direction?
It seems to me it is God’s plan that they attract. Whereas since the beginning it has been Satan and the forces of evil intentional mode of operation to cause the opposite result.
You also raise the topic of priorities. Similar to properly aligning our own “magnetic” poles (or, if you like, our sexual organs), our priorities also must be rightly aligned by the unitive power of God’s Spirit.
No, I see sex as the God-given form of unity, where two become one. Sex should be what’s pulling a married couple together, not a way to drive them apart. It seems, from reading so many of your posts, that sex isn’t a priority, it’s an obsession that can never be satisfied, no matter what you do. God designed sex to be pleasurable for both male and female. If it’s not, that’s what needs to be explored: why doesn’t sex make me feel unified with my spouse? In your case, it’s because that’s all you feel he cares about.
Seriously, if sex is a priority over urgent matters, that’s an obsession. I think our sinful nature can take anything that’s God-given and good and turn it into something sinful.
Yes and no. I think sex is the glue that holds things together until other bonds truly develop. Think of it as a graft in a fruit tree. The grafted limb would fall away pretty easily if there were ot something mechanically holding it in place. As the graft matures, the tape and twine serve less of a purpose.
It isn’t a perfect analogy, but I think it is close.
I know if sex was the only glue, that I would not be with my wife right now, and I suspect a lot of other men would say the same thing.
There have been a lot of questions/topics the last couple weeks that deserve a lot of thought and a lengthy answer that I haven’t had time for…this is one of them (those other are still on the back burner being processed by me). But instead of nothing, I’ll give a quick answer and then come back for more later.
To make it light (speed), we’ll stick with the Star Wars theme (Hyperdrive) and hear what Obi-Wan Kenobi might say about a HD’s view of sex:
“It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”
While I’m being lighthearted (and do not mean offense, I know it’s a serious question), that’s not too different from how many HD men see it. Yes, it is a bit like the “glue” term that Doug used.
But it’s more than that, while sex can draw together, it can also wedge apart. It’s hard to imagine anything in this world pleasing me more than Zelda initiating, being excited, and suggesting new things in the MB…and she did that recently so I remember quite well how it feels. I would rather have that than winning the lottery. Similarly, it’s hard to imagine anything in this world hurting quite as much as being refused for seemingly no reason. Sure, there are some one-time things like the death of a child or similar, but those are extreme events. Keeping with the Star Wars theme, for HD men, sex is a powerful “force” that has the power to build or destroy. And that building or destroying can come from either the HD or the LD spouse, the man or the woman.
For a time, I wanted my HD taken away, even though I’m pretty sure I have an entirely normal drive. I asked God to take it away, as I felt it caused far more trouble than good. These days, I’ve changed my tune and pretty much see it as the “magnetic force” you describe. It is a very powerful tool that can cause much harm, but the good it can do is otherwordly when properly handled. It is an enormous burden to bear, but no more than the burden of being called to lead my wife and kids…I don’t know if burden is the right term, maybe yoke?
Also, I want you to revisit your 1/2/3 priority list you made. Comparing 1 & 2, what if you two were ML and someone broke into your room with a gun? Would #1 still be #1, or would #2 suddenly top it? Then think about 1 & 3…in your DH’s mind, #3 may be part of #1. These things are somewhat relative and a matter of perspective, and it appears that the urgent matters were not that urgent to top sex for your DH, plus he may be thinking that having sex is part of the you category. I realize that he may be (pretty much objectively) wrong in both of these categories, but it’s still a possibility that’s how he sees things. I also realize we the readers do not have enough information to say more definitely, so I’m just throwing out an option.
Okay…that ended up way longer than intended and not a “quick answer”, but I still might add more later. 🙄
@Scott, (I answer vs comment because I believe it helps with the OP.)
I would bet money that my husband does view #1 with #3, but when #1 isn’t a part of the situation, #3 drops down on the priority list. Also, when #3 becomes a #2, I know he will make me a priority. But should I always have to set of all the alarms and flash red, for him to make me a priority over all other “urgent matters”?
Here’s a scenario…. he falsely believes #1 is off the table, therefore he chooses to focus on a #2 (all the way until 3:30 am on a morning he has to get up and “work”). At 1:30 I wake up not feeling well, the manner in which I felt, it made my anxiety rise and I was fighting keeping panic at bay. I call him (he’s downstairs, I am in bed) telling him I don’t feel well and ask him to come up. He asked if I could wait 5-10 minutes for him to finish, I reluctantly agree…. I honestly had the thought, if I die before he comes up, at least he will know something was going on…. and if you did the math, two hours later he comes up. (And I live 😉 )
This morning, he’s expressing how much he wants #1 with #3. I mentioned how he gave up his Saturday night opportunity. That’s when he realized he falsely assumed #1 was off the table. When asked directly, he admitted that if he knew sex was an option, he would have made some time in his work to come upstairs (not totally putting off #2)… YET, with a direct request of his presence from his #3 was delayed and ultimately rejected (and I rarely ask for things.)
Any positive spin a husband (or wife) want to put on that? I am truly looking for one, because I just can’t see anything but #1 being the most important, even if #3 is tied to it. #3 wasn’t enough, so as I see it, we can’t say #3 is the motivating factor.
I am having a hard time here…I hate to be blunt…but all I’m hearing is selfishness. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Eph 5:25 Jesus didn’t love the Church AFTER taking care of himself…he didn’t take care of the Church AFTER other matters…Jesus’s first priority is the Church and he loved us SO much, he died for us. Is he (your husband) sacrificing daily for you?? Because he darn sure is asking you to sacrifice for him. When was the last time he did something, expecting nothing in return? I’ve spoke of my past…If I ever think about anything but serving and cherishing my wife FIRST, I am wrong. Nothing matters more then being selfless for her. If I’m asking for sex every day because I think I need it, I’m asking too much. I’m loving myself more than my wife’s heart. I’ll go a year without #1 for #3
Regarding: ALL_IN’s answer:
Quick question: should “we the readers” (1) answer the question as asked in a vacuum, (2) answer it knowing the full context of what the asker has “publicly” divulged over time at TMB site, or (3) some combination of both? If #2, then ALL-IN has a potentially excellent answer. If #1, then maybe not so much. I am new enough here to not know typical expectations here.
And kudos to ALL-IN for the year without #1 for #3 statement.
I appreciate all your thoughts, and hope to hear more, I do feel I ought to make a statement…..
Is my husband selfish? He sure can be….but anymore than me? Not a chance. A million to one he outranks me in caring and loving others and putting them before himself. If you see any good in me here, I can guarantee you, if you looked upon my husband, you would see someone 100 times better.
Does he struggle with obsession? He sure can, it’s a fight he has always had and will always have this side of heaven, it comes with ADD. *I* am often the focus of his loving obsession. If anyone can draw him away from Jesus, it is me. If anyone could lure him into sin, it is me. If he would make anyone an idol in his life, it would be me, far beyond his “self”. I hold a very strong power over him, that most wives have over their husbands, and my heart and desire is to use it in a holy, righteous, and loving way.
I could make a list of every good and loving thing he does for me and how he serves me, everything he says to me, and who he is as a man, and there would be a lot of envy. He is quick to forgive, quick to trust, and abounds in love. I know no other person who reflects Jesus Christ like he does….but he is not Jesus. He sins, he struggles and so do I. I believe there is a freedom in bringing things into the light. I want no one to feel alone or suffer in silence, as I have. The same thing that drives my husband to be open and real in the pulpit, allowing others to peer into his/our brokenness, allowing others to relate and see him as a real man, no differenf than themselves, is the same thing that drives me to be open and real here…. it’s all for the sake of the gospel, to allow others to see Christ at work in me/us. It’s all in hope to bring glory to God.