Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?

    In my 6+ years of really trying to work on my sexuality, making changes, and trying to understand my husband and men, there’s still some areas I really struggle with understanding.

    I have heard men say that it’s not all about the sex, they aren’t using their wives for sex, etc.  And I have felt and heard other women talk about feeling used and all their husbands only care about sex.

    What other message can be derived when a husband makes choices solely around his belief of his chances at sex?

    This seems to be my husband’s priorities:

    1) Sex

    2) Urgent matters

    3) Me

     

    We had a situation this weekend that made this very clear… and I even pointed it out to him this morning, he saw it, and I asked him what message that gives. He had no answer but to say he really loves me and such.  I plan to bring it up again. How does a wife work through that? Is there a positive way to look at this kind of situation without feeling unloved, demeaned and used?  Surely there’s a logical and good reasoning or explanation behind this?  Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her? (Even though it makes her feel that’s all he cares about.)

    What’s your experiences? What are your thoughts and perspectives?

     

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    25 Answer(s)

      I don’t have much to add, but I had several hours of driving today, to think about this. You all have had such good thoughts.

      In my black and white view (sorry, its my temperament!), if sex is a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her, wouldn’t emotional intimacy, connection and love, be the other magnetic force that keeps a woman drawing closer to her husband, pursuing him, and staying committed to him? Without either, a marriage is a far cry from what it could be.

      Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.

      Very well spoken (typed).

      Expanding on that, would you agree that both sexes/drives have some of both? There are certainly times that the emotional intimacy/connection/love are the dominant driving force in me, even as the HD/male.

      -Scott

      on November 18, 2019.

      That sounds logical to me 🙂  Why do many wives ask so many questions of their husbands?  Why do they keep pressing for him to open up and share about their day or how they are feeling?

      Because I am kind of handicapped in the emotional department 😉 I have a harder time speaking from this perspective. I would love to hear others’ take on it.

      on November 18, 2019.

      Scott, I think both can have some of each, or maybe at different times, one spouse has one or the other.

      SC, I have no answers. Many times, I ask my DH how his day was. He has maybe asked me 5 times in all our marriage. He also said he never thinks of saying ‘I Love You’ until I say it first. There are so many other ways that he shows me love, that I don’t allow myself to get all wound up about a few small things. My friend says to choose your battles carefully! I am going to try showing him more respect and telling him I Love You less. If he doesn’t think about it, I will try to come up with a way he will feel more emotionally connected to me.

      on November 18, 2019.

      Men and women are different. Breathe, eat and have sex the primal urges.  But women have the primary responsibility to have and nurture children. Children is why the urge for sex is embedded in our DNA. Men are designed to want to distribute their seed.  So laws or “sins” were written to keep men in the position to protect the mom and child. Hence we have marriage. After the instinct to have babies ends for woman, does her desire for sex also die?

      on November 20, 2019.
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        This is interesting, and a good question for sure!   For me.. I’m HD (like hyperdrive) and my mind can skip to sex in a second.  We can be playing scrabble and something could make me think of sex.  This can give the illusion and perception that its ALL I think about or care about.  In fact, DW and I have had a similar conversation to the one you’re describing, where she says something that alludes to her feeling used for sex or “as long as you get sex you’re happy”.  Typically those comments are in moments of frustration related to other things.  I do my best to try to let her know how valued she is outside of the bedroom.  This has been an intentional act from me in the past few months.  Daily affirmations, both about physical beauty and non-physical traits.

        To plainly answer your question, however, the honest answer is “I’m not sure”.  I thought it was a good hypothesis then began thinking of the HD wives who have low to no drive husbands.  For me, I don’t ONLY care about sex.. I care about my wife, BUT.. in part what makes her a wife and not a friend.. is sex.  That is an important aspect.  It also shows me that she craves me and cares fully about me.  If she wants me to care for her fully “outside of the bedroom” isn’t it fair to ask that she fully care about me “inside the bedroom”.  Luckily and by His grace, our drives and desires align pretty closely so it’s rarely an issue, but when it has been an issue, it has been a byproduct of a different unrelated issue.

         

        I’m not sure if any of this is making sense.  I keep getting interrupted by work 🙂  Perhaps I should get back to it.

        Queen bed Answered on November 18, 2019.

        Your “HD (like hyperdrive)” makes me laugh, because that is my husband and has pretty much has always been my husband except for a couple of years with lower T.

        on November 18, 2019.
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          Good question. Simple answer is yes. (And if I stopped there, I would avoid a plethora of potential minefields! LOL!)

          That is likely a helpful analogy you imbedded in your question: “Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?”

          But as you aptly state and understand, there is much more involved than that alone.

          Yet, if sex is (in part, at least) a God-given magnetic force, it would seem that there would be a God-given corresponding magnetic force that would keep a wife drawn to her husband, pursuing him, and staying committed to him? Or, would God have instilled a force that causes her to withdraw or retreat? I have my doubts.

          Or, is it really a one directional force? Like a magnet and a piece of metal? That would seem to me to be a design flaw which lacks mutuality.

          Since you offered the magnetic force as a analogy, I was led to think of two horseshoe shaped magnets. When both north poles face each other and both south poles face each other they repel aggressively. But when the opposite poles face each other, they have a strong attractive response.

          So, where powerful sexual differences exist, might it be that one or both spouses are orientating their poles in the wrong direction?

          It seems to me it is God’s plan that they attract. Whereas since the beginning it has been Satan and the forces of evil intentional mode of operation to cause the opposite result.

          You also raise the topic of priorities. Similar to properly aligning our own “magnetic” poles (or, if you like, our sexual organs), our priorities also must be rightly aligned by the unitive power of God’s Spirit.

          Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.

          I like how you drew that even further!

          on November 18, 2019.
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            No, I see sex as the God-given form of unity, where two become one. Sex should be what’s pulling a married couple together, not a way to drive them apart. It seems, from reading so many of your posts, that sex isn’t a priority, it’s an obsession that can never be satisfied, no matter what you do. God designed sex to be pleasurable for both male and female. If it’s not, that’s what needs to be explored: why doesn’t sex make me feel unified with my spouse? In your case, it’s because that’s all you feel he cares about.

            Seriously, if sex is a priority over urgent matters, that’s an obsession. I think our sinful nature can take anything that’s God-given and good and turn it into something sinful.

            On the floor Answered on November 18, 2019.

            I couldn’t agree more

            on November 18, 2019.

            Would you agree that a sexual intimacy relationship in marriage is a picture of the spiritual intimate relationship Christ desires to have, or has, with us?

            If believing that is true, from the mystery spoken of in Eph. 5, could this “magnetic-force” of sex, I mention, be similar to the “God-shaped hole” often spoken of, that emptiness or desire all people have to draw them to God, but is often misused as people seek “love in all the wrong places”?

            If you aren’t following me, I am asking it this way, because I don’t see that it has to be an either/or situation… “either” my analogy, “or” your belief of it being about unity…. maybe there’s some of both at play?   If God placed in us a “God-shaped hole” to draw us to Christ, and the “one-flesh”  union is a picture of Christ and the church…. could not that “magnetic-force” or desire for sex (one-flesh union) be reflective of the unity Christ desires with us, His bride, His church?

            Just some thoughts, I would love to hear yours.  

            on November 18, 2019.

            My main disagreement is the non-Biblical underlying view in your original premise that God designed sex for the male primarily and that somehow that excuses a husband for being obsessed with having sex with his wife.

            Do you feel as though your DH has a hole in his life that he’s trying to fill with sex?

            on November 18, 2019.

            Do I feel that way? No. Could he be? Sure.

            on November 18, 2019.

            I know I never addressed this when I first read it, and every time I have reread it, I still get this twinge in me that I ought to say something, if only for clarification…..

            I personally don’t see that this idea supports or teaches that “God designed sex for the male primarily”…. there’s nothing saying that there aren’t other purposes for sex, nor that a woman can’t experience a similar magnetism.  Things are so multifaceted in God’s ways, and this is just one potential dimension I am asking about.

            But it’s okay if you disagree, you could be absolutely right.  I am seeking understanding, not stating “facts”.

            on November 20, 2019.

            That’s why I said, “underlying view.” It seems to be a general theme, both secular and in the Church, that all that men want is sex, and women are lower drive and just have to deal with it. No one has ever shown me any Biblical support for this and it’s something that really bothers me because I feel as though it harms the younger generation of women and can create a self-fulfilling prophecy in new marriages.

            on November 20, 2019.
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              Yes and no. I think sex is the glue that holds things together until other bonds truly develop. Think of it as a graft in a fruit tree. The grafted limb would fall away pretty easily if there were ot something mechanically holding it in place. As the graft matures, the tape and twine serve less of a purpose.

              It isn’t a perfect analogy, but I think it is close.

              I know if sex was the only glue, that I would not be with my wife right now, and I suspect a lot of other men would say the same thing.

              On the floor Answered on November 18, 2019.

              I didn’t use the terminology of “glue” for a reason. I think it gives a different message and addresses something different. I understand what you are saying but I am not sure it is addressing the answer I am looking for.

              on November 18, 2019.

              I don’t think that your sequence of priorities is valid. I think that it is rooted in your perception at least as much as it appears to you to be set in the sequence you placed it in.

              I will try to explain, but I am not quite sure I can do so.

              The first thing I would say, is that there is no such thing as an absolute set of priorities. Things get moved up and down the list quite often, tho it might not seem so. Also the term urgent has many different connotations. Most take it to mean of highest importance, but that is bot very descriptive. What is urgent to you, might seem less so to another. It might still be bery important to that person, but they might look at it and say it can wait.

              An example would be sleep vs sex. For my wife, sleep always wins that argument, but for me, even if I have been up for 36 hours, I might be inclined to stay awake for another hour for a sexual encoumter. My wife in the other hand, would place sex second, even if she had only been awake for 14 or 16 hours. Does that mean sex is more important than sleep for me. No. I can know I need the sleep, but still postpone it if I want. Sleep is the more important need, but that doesn’t mean I can’t delay it long enough to do something I want.
              When you have a fire on your stove, grabbing a fire extinguisher and putting it out is a truly urgent matter. If it doesn’t reach that level of urgency, then there is room to do other things first, even if they are not technically as urgent.

              I think sex is one of those things that sometimes gets slipped into the set of priorities wherever you can fit it. It doesn’t detract from the urgency of other matters, but it needn’t be put off either.

              on November 18, 2019.

              I agree, priorities fluctuate, but in this specific incident, it will be hard to see his priorities any different than I stated.

              on November 18, 2019.

              Seeking, do you see that the ‘urgent matters’ that came up where actually ’Urgent’?

              Is it still the issue that he prioritises others ahead of what you believe should be more important to him?

              on November 19, 2019.

              Seeking,  bad internet held up your answers below, so don’t worry about responding.  You sort of have.

              And you may have just helped me understand how I have been able to work away from home for so long. What is that saying …… something about change only happens when the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same.

              You have given me a lot to think about.

              on November 19, 2019.

              You make me curious on all your alluding to Neil 🙂 but instead of getting nosy, I prayed for you.

              on November 19, 2019.
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                There have been a lot of questions/topics the last couple weeks that deserve a lot of thought and a lengthy answer that I haven’t had time for…this is one of them (those other are still on the back burner being processed by me). But instead of nothing, I’ll give a quick answer and then come back for more later.

                To make it light (speed), we’ll stick with the Star Wars theme (Hyperdrive) and hear what Obi-Wan Kenobi might say about a HD’s view of sex:

                “It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”

                While I’m being lighthearted (and do not mean offense, I know it’s a serious question), that’s not too different from how many HD men see it. Yes, it is a bit like the “glue” term that Doug used.

                But it’s more than that, while sex can draw together, it can also wedge apart. It’s hard to imagine anything in this world pleasing me more than Zelda initiating, being excited, and suggesting new things in the MB…and she did that recently so I remember quite well how it feels. I would rather have that than winning the lottery. Similarly, it’s hard to imagine anything in this world hurting quite as much as being refused for seemingly no reason. Sure, there are some one-time things like the death of a child or similar, but those are extreme events. Keeping with the Star Wars theme, for HD men, sex is a powerful “force” that has the power to build or destroy. And that building or destroying can come from either the HD or the LD spouse, the man or the woman.

                For a time, I wanted my HD taken away, even though I’m pretty sure I have an entirely normal drive. I asked God to take it away, as I felt it caused far more trouble than good. These days, I’ve changed my tune and pretty much see it as the “magnetic force” you describe. It is a very powerful tool that can cause much harm, but the good it can do is otherwordly when properly handled. It is an enormous burden to bear, but no more than the burden of being called to lead my wife and kids…I don’t know if burden is the right term, maybe yoke?

                Also, I want you to revisit your 1/2/3 priority list you made. Comparing 1 & 2, what if you two were ML and someone broke into your room with a gun? Would #1 still be #1, or would #2 suddenly top it? Then think about 1 & 3…in your DH’s mind, #3 may be part of #1. These things are somewhat relative and a matter of perspective, and it appears that the urgent matters were not that urgent to top sex for your DH, plus he may be thinking that having sex is part of the you category. I realize that he may be (pretty much objectively) wrong in both of these categories, but it’s still a possibility that’s how he sees things. I also realize we the readers do not have enough information to say more definitely, so I’m just throwing out an option.

                Okay…that ended up way longer than intended and not a “quick answer”, but I still might add more later. 🙄

                -Scott

                Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.
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                  @Scott, (I answer vs comment because I believe it helps with the OP.)

                  I would bet money that my husband does view #1 with #3, but when #1 isn’t a part of the situation, #3 drops down on the priority list. Also, when #3 becomes a #2, I know he will make me a priority. But should I always have to set of all the alarms and flash red, for him to make me a priority over all other “urgent matters”?

                  Here’s a scenario…. he falsely believes #1 is off the table, therefore he chooses to focus on a #2 (all the way until 3:30 am on a morning he has to get up and “work”). At 1:30 I wake up not feeling well, the manner in which I felt, it made my anxiety rise and I was fighting keeping panic at bay. I call him (he’s downstairs, I am in bed) telling him I don’t feel well and ask him to come up. He asked if I could wait 5-10 minutes for him to finish, I reluctantly agree…. I honestly had the thought, if I die before he comes up, at least he will know something was going on…. and if you did the math, two hours later he comes up. (And I live 😉 )

                  This morning, he’s expressing how much he wants #1 with #3. I mentioned how he gave up his Saturday night opportunity. That’s when he realized he falsely assumed #1 was off the table. When asked directly, he admitted that if he knew sex was an option, he would have made some time in his work to come upstairs (not totally putting off #2)… YET, with a direct request of his presence from his #3 was delayed and ultimately rejected (and I rarely ask for things.)

                  Any positive spin a husband (or wife) want to put on that? I am truly looking for one, because I just can’t see anything but #1 being the most important, even if #3 is tied to it. #3 wasn’t enough, so as I see it, we can’t say #3 is the motivating factor.

                  Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.

                  Well that makes things clearer. Thanks for the sharing the somewhat-private details. I have a couple possible positive spins, but they will take too much time to type up during the day, so I’ll be back later. That said, as a DH it really stinks when we think #1 is off the table when it isn’t…ouch.

                  on November 18, 2019.
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                    I am having a hard time here…I hate to be blunt…but all I’m hearing is selfishness. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Eph 5:25 Jesus didn’t love the Church AFTER taking care of himself…he didn’t take care of the Church AFTER other matters…Jesus’s first priority is the Church and he loved us SO much, he died for us. Is he (your husband) sacrificing daily for you?? Because he darn sure is asking you to sacrifice for him.  When was the last time he did something, expecting nothing in return? I’ve spoke of my past…If I ever think about anything but serving and cherishing my wife FIRST, I am wrong. Nothing matters more then being selfless for her. If I’m asking for sex every day because I think I need it, I’m asking too much. I’m loving myself more than my wife’s heart. I’ll go a year without #1 for #3

                    On the floor Answered on November 18, 2019.

                    And I forgot to add…the force that draws me to her and keeps me pursuing her is absolutely God…because I ask Him daily!…Daily to keep me in pursuit of my wife…why do I ask to ask daily? Cause I’m a sinner who outside of God will do the wrong thing.

                    on November 18, 2019.

                    My husband would say and has offered to “…go a year [as long as you need] without #1 for #3.”

                    Wouldn’t you say that is often easier to operate in a black and white world? If he knew the absolute boundaries, it would be easier to operate within them. But, when life is all shades of grey (no pun intended), doesn’t it make things harder and a lot more messy to know when and how to do things? How do you balance when to take a vulnerable step in or when to take a step back to show honor? And when a misstep happens, does that automatically equate “selfishness” or wrong motives? I am intentionally very slow to assign ( or judge) motives, no matter how I “feel”. I am a “thinker” first, a “feeler” last, with a “doer” in between.

                    It’s very realistic that selfishness could be at play, but I also know that it can’t be the only thing at play, even if it is a part.

                    on November 18, 2019.

                    And a little off-topic of OP but to address something you brought up….. Jesus didn’t display selfishness, but nor did He display complete selflessness. He left the crowds. He left the sick and needy. He left His teaching. He went away alone…to take care of Himself in relation with His Father. If we look at Jesus, we have to look at Him completely. (That lesson was freeing for me personally. )

                    on November 18, 2019.
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                      Regarding: ALL_IN’s answer:

                      Quick question: should “we the readers” (1) answer the question as asked in a vacuum, (2) answer it knowing the full context of what the asker has “publicly” divulged over time at TMB site, or (3) some combination of both? If #2, then ALL-IN has a potentially excellent answer. If #1, then maybe not so much. I am new enough here to not know typical expectations here.

                      And kudos to ALL-IN for the year without #1 for #3 statement.

                      -Scott

                      Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.

                      Probably #3, both.  I personally look at the context.  If the OP does not mention anything personal, I answer it as #1…. but I have observed that many like to drag in all the OP’s history, even if that was not the OPs intent or desire (much like living in a small town 😉 )…. which I have seen it cause frustration in the OP.

                      For me personally, there are many, many times I am just bringing up topics for discussion, just to make others think, and to help broaden my general understanding and to learn on the topic and about others.  Many times any personal issues I bring up are after the fact and I have already worked through the majority of it….so I am not really looking for answers but using it as a learning opportunity for others and for authenticity’s sake.   On occasion, I bring up current situations where things are still raw….but I try to make that clear in my postings.

                      on November 18, 2019.
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                        I appreciate all your thoughts, and hope to hear more, I do feel I ought to make a statement…..

                        Is my husband selfish?  He sure can be….but anymore than me? Not a chance.  A million to one he outranks me in caring and loving others and putting them before himself.  If you see any good in me here, I can guarantee you, if you looked upon my husband, you would see someone 100 times better.

                        Does he struggle with obsession? He sure can, it’s a fight he has always had and will always have this side of heaven, it comes with ADD.  *I* am often the focus of his loving obsession.  If anyone can draw him away from Jesus, it is me.  If anyone could lure him into sin, it is me.  If he would make anyone an idol in his life, it would be me, far beyond his “self”.  I hold a very strong power over him, that most wives have over their husbands, and my heart and desire is to use it in a holy, righteous, and loving way.

                        I could make a list of every good and loving thing he does for me and how he serves me, everything he says to me, and who he is as a man, and there would be a lot of envy.  He is quick to forgive, quick to trust, and abounds in love.  I know no other person who reflects Jesus Christ like he does….but he is not Jesus.  He sins, he struggles and so do I.  I believe there is a freedom in bringing things into the light. I want no one to feel alone or suffer in silence, as I have.  The same thing that drives my husband to be open and real in the pulpit, allowing others to peer into his/our brokenness, allowing others to relate and see him as a real man, no differenf than themselves, is the same thing that drives me to be open and real here…. it’s all for the sake of the gospel, to allow others to see Christ at work in me/us. It’s all in hope to bring glory to God.

                        Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.
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