Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her?

    In my 6+ years of really trying to work on my sexuality, making changes, and trying to understand my husband and men, there’s still some areas I really struggle with understanding.

    I have heard men say that it’s not all about the sex, they aren’t using their wives for sex, etc.  And I have felt and heard other women talk about feeling used and all their husbands only care about sex.

    What other message can be derived when a husband makes choices solely around his belief of his chances at sex?

    This seems to be my husband’s priorities:

    1) Sex

    2) Urgent matters

    3) Me

     

    We had a situation this weekend that made this very clear… and I even pointed it out to him this morning, he saw it, and I asked him what message that gives. He had no answer but to say he really loves me and such.  I plan to bring it up again. How does a wife work through that? Is there a positive way to look at this kind of situation without feeling unloved, demeaned and used?  Surely there’s a logical and good reasoning or explanation behind this?  Is sex a God-given magnetic force that keeps a man drawing towards his wife, pursuing her, and staying committed to her? (Even though it makes her feel that’s all he cares about.)

    What’s your experiences? What are your thoughts and perspectives?

     

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    25 Answer(s)

      I appreciate all your thoughts, and hope to hear more, I do feel I ought to make a statement…..

      Is my husband selfish?  He sure can be….but anymore than me? Not a chance.  A million to one he outranks me in caring and loving others and putting them before himself.  If you see any good in me here, I can guarantee you, if you looked upon my husband, you would see someone 100 times better.

      Does he struggle with obsession? He sure can, it’s a fight he has always had and will always have this side of heaven, it comes with ADD.  *I* am often the focus of his loving obsession.  If anyone can draw him away from Jesus, it is me.  If anyone could lure him into sin, it is me.  If he would make anyone an idol in his life, it would be me, far beyond his “self”.  I hold a very strong power over him, that most wives have over their husbands, and my heart and desire is to use it in a holy, righteous, and loving way.

      I could make a list of every good and loving thing he does for me and how he serves me, everything he says to me, and who he is as a man, and there would be a lot of envy.  He is quick to forgive, quick to trust, and abounds in love.  I know no other person who reflects Jesus Christ like he does….but he is not Jesus.  He sins, he struggles and so do I.  I believe there is a freedom in bringing things into the light. I want no one to feel alone or suffer in silence, as I have.  The same thing that drives my husband to be open and real in the pulpit, allowing others to peer into his/our brokenness, allowing others to relate and see him as a real man, no differenf than themselves, is the same thing that drives me to be open and real here…. it’s all for the sake of the gospel, to allow others to see Christ at work in me/us. It’s all in hope to bring glory to God.

      Under the stars Answered on November 18, 2019.
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        I would put it differently; I would say it is supposed to pull both of them, not just the man. Sadly Satan and our world have twisted sex for both men and women, and the clash is ugly and painful for both.

        The reaction you mention, Even though it make her feel that’s all he cares about, is understandable given certainly premarital wounding. Without that wounding, it would not happen.

        Fell out of ... Answered on November 18, 2019.

        Sometimes the wounding is not pre-marital.  Let’s keep it real.  That reaction can happen outside the context of premarital wounding.

        on November 19, 2019.

        If someone is wounded you are doing it wrong. If it’s ugly your doing it with the wrong person.  If it’s painful use lube.

        on November 19, 2019.
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          My thoughts on the specific situation you mentioned, for what they are worth. And keep in mind that I’m fairly new here and don’t know your whole story.

          It’s terribly difficult to establish a list of priorities. I know very few people who can list their priorities in order. I know even fewer people who actually stick to that order. Life has a way of distorting their value.

          The positive spin that I can think to put on this is that your husband likely thinks he values you above all else, but doesn’t realize that his actions show otherwise. He may not yet realize that we store up the treasure of time with what we value most. For most of us, that takes a conscious effort to recognize that #1 must always come before #2 or #3. My priorities are written down, but it sometimes is tough for me to remember to put God well before work, for example. And I’ve had hours of therapy dealing with this.

          But think about it this way. If sex really were his top priority, it would not matter to him who he was having it with. If sex is his top priority, then it really is Sex With You.

          Also, and forgive me for generalizing, most men just aren’t nurturers the way women are. My husband left me to fend for myself when I had the flu our first year of marriage so he could take a scheduled vacation with his family. Fever of 102, the works. I felt scared, alone, and unloved. He has since agreed that it was a selfish thing for him to do. But he told me that I’ve always been such a strong person that it never occurred to him that I might actually need him. He thought that was a compliment to me. I rolled my eyes at that, but that was his reality as he viewed it. I don’t want to put words in your husband’s mouth – I don’t know the situation well – but perhaps he thought the same way.

          Your husband loves you. He said it, and he expresses it in a way that makes sense to him. There is room for further conversation, certainly, and a better meeting of the minds on how you would like to be shown love. But I doubt he thinks he’s using you.I

          Prayers and blessings as you work through this.

          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 18, 2019.

          Thank you for your thoughts.

          on November 19, 2019.
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            I would agree with all points the OP brought up.

            I am in a sexless marriage, and I can certainly testify that as a platonic roommate I am not pulling toward my wife.

             

             

            Double bed Answered on November 19, 2019.
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              @Beekeeper, your comment made me think back to another situation we faced that lends some credence to this idea….. when my husband lost sexual desire (low T) there was a direct effect on how he pursued and prioritized me in the relationship as a whole.  Without his sexual desire, there was very little “draw”.  No matter what I did, how I fought, how I continued to try to make sex a priority, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference in him. 

              Under the stars Answered on November 19, 2019.

              But how did he treat you outside of the sexual relationship at that time?

              on November 19, 2019.

              He neglected me… after such a change on my part sexually and as a wife, it left me feeling lost, alone, and abandoned.    That’s why I say it supports this idea.

              on November 19, 2019.

              Oh, I see it now:

              “how he pursued and prioritised me in the relationship as a whole

              I missed the underlined part. I’m sorry to hear that happened. Just curious, but would you say your DH is a “Type A” personality?

              on November 19, 2019.

              He has been referred to as a Type A personality, but I personally don’t know much about that typing.

              on November 19, 2019.

              I am sorry for your pain, I feel that same kind of pain. My wife injured her spine, the nerve damage stopped her estrogen, and her genitals soon atrophied. That happened when we were both 24. We are both 60 now, it has been a long struggle for us.

              on November 19, 2019.
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                Short answer is no. Sex is morally neutral, like magnetism. It can hold a couple together or split one apart.

                Queen bed Answered on November 19, 2019.

                Good answer!  That’s what I’ve read.  Good Sex is like glue, and Bad Sex is like solvent.  So, the long answer might be, “Depends on the quality of the sex, and the relationship as a whole.”

                on November 19, 2019.

                Good sex is good to have and a gift from God. But, honestly, good sex is not all that difficult if the rest of your relationship is solid.

                The first words that our counselor said to us is that our fighting probably wasn’t really about sex, but more about power. It may be so for you and your husband. I think he needs to learn a little more about how to be a pursuer in a way that doesn’t make you unhappy. And maybe you need to learn a little more about how to be a distancer in a way that doesn’t make him unhappy. I had to learn that with my wife and make some serious compromises about my pursuit style. It hasn’t been easy or automatic, but so far, they’re working for us.

                on November 20, 2019.
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                  In response to a comment on another answer (but as an answer because it got long):

                  I definitely feel that sexual intimacy in marriage is a picture of the spiritual intimacy we are meant to have with Christ. (It is the reason I feel uncomfortable when I see people singing praise and worship songs with what DH and I call their constipated faces: because they are obviously in the throes of an ecstasy of worship–a worship-gasm, if you will–and in my mind, that should be as private as an orgasm between husband and wife!)

                  To apply that to your original question, (and now I am exploring the metaphor) I think maybe the husband’s sexual desire for his wife is similar to/representative of Christs’s desire for each sinner who is chosen and called by the Holy Spirit to salvation. The call of the HS is when a man is attracted to a woman, the sinner’s response is the woman’s response to the man’s interest, the sinner’s prayer is the engagement, baptism is the marriage, and the continuing intimacy between the believer and Christ is the ongoing intimate relationship between husband and wife. If Christ stopped desiring us, would we still have salvation? It is unthinkable that He ever would stop desiring us. So it seems logical that as a representation of Christ’s desire for us to be saved, a husband’s desire for sexual intimacy would remain strong. Perhaps the problem is that where Christ’s desire is meant to draw the sinner to Him, husbands can sometimes fall into the trap of allowing their desire be about how he feels about his wife (rather than directing his desire to draw her to himself–through meeting her need for emotional intimacy!)

                  I don’t know if this is a good extended metaphor or not. I don’t even know what it feels like to be the one less interested in having sex.  But I DO know what it’s like to feel that your DH puts everyone else’s needs before your own. I’ve even seen it as a repeating pattern and seen family marriages remain very unhappy long-term (or fall apart completely) because of that tendency. That’s probably why I complain long and loudly, and possibly unfairly, when I see it begin to happen in ours. Like Deputy Fife, I want to “Nip it! Nip it in the bud!”

                  Under the stars Answered on November 19, 2019.

                  I appreciate you sharing your thoughts! I am going to have to reread it again a time or two when my mind is fresh.

                  on November 19, 2019.

                  At first reading I  love your analogy Duchess but I need to chew on it some more to really get my head around it and test it scripturally…

                  It is well-written and it is clear that you have given the subject a lot of thought before posting.   Thanks!

                  on November 19, 2019.
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                    Yes. I do believe that. I love LiefP’s response. I will also add, when my wife and I get sideways and then I want sexual release, I believe God gives that desire to drive me to connect with my wife. If I masterbate, it reduces that drive for sex in me and to right the emotional disconnection, I have with reconnect my wife at some level emotionally so we can consummate our marriage & bodies again.

                    Under the stars Answered on November 20, 2019.
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                      @LiefP, and now @newwifenewlife since you really related to his post, as I think my husband would,  I asked a question in the comments under your (LiefP) answer.  I would really like to hear your take on that.  I know often people miss added comments since there’s no notification for them.

                      This is a copy of my question….

                      “As someone asked me of my husband, I ask you, because I am truly interested in your perspective, because you may give me insight in how my husband feels…… do you feel you have a hole in your life you are trying to fill with sex?

                      My answer about my husband was “no” I don’t feel that of him, but could he be, sure.

                      Under the stars Answered on November 20, 2019.
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                        @seekingchange, I would answer, no. Yes, I regularly have a physical desire for sex…BUT I feel loved when my wife & I make love, I feel complete and “at one” with her. When we get out of sorts, we both feel disconnected…and yes, I can certainly become edgy sometimes without us connecting physically, EVEN IF there’s no orgasm (which sometimes happen at my age). I believe it’s because God put that desire to be one in us and when we’re married, we can fulfill our design and purpose of “two becoming one flesh”.

                        It is definitely easier for my wife sexually when we have connected emotionally first, so sex is icing on the cake for her (and yes, she does enjoy it,  initiates, as well as offers herself to me when I’m under times of stress).  On the other hand, it’s easier for me to desire her and desire to meet her emotional needs when I’m feeling sexually fulfilled, like I can and want to move mountains for her to feel loved.  It’s a circle of LOVE & RESPECT and also PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.  We have to be willing to meet each other’s needs…sometimes it means reaching around and meeting that person where they’re at to break the “crazy cycle” like Eggerichs call it.

                        The situation you describe in your initial post can sometimes work for a season (we all have those as individuals and as a couple)…BUT eventually, if the priorities are not adjusted, the relationship will collapse. Andy Stanley talks about one “dropping the rock” when a burden one was asked to hold for a season can no longer be held, that’s when one sees the disintegration of the situation or relationship. I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re 3rd in the priorities. That’s gotta hurt.

                        I know if my DW felt that way for longer than a week or two, she’d let me know how she was feeling and communicate lovingly, we needed to change and ask how she could help me… AND what was I planning on doing to reconnect with her. Right now, I’m neck deep in Cmas stuff and she knows it’s they way it is (she even offered a quickie before dinner and a return for rehearsals). She knows that she has Fridays for connection time BUT she’s also wiling to sacrifice that for a “season” if necessary, knowing that I’ll feel less of #2 so she can feel like she’s #1.  Either way, she also knows she’ll have more of me after the production…and more after the Cmas season.

                        You have ever right and should bring it up for conversation again because I’m sure it hurts and he needs to show empathy and display love.  I know my DW bounces things sometimes off of wise, CHRISTIAN girlfriends who are farther along in their seasons of marriage and sometimes come back to me with conversation ideas, especially if I’ve stepped out of bounds…BUT with the people she talks to, she gets wisdom AND comes back with a gentle spirit so we can engage in meaningful conversation and problem-solving.

                        Under the stars Answered on November 20, 2019.

                        Thank you for taking the time to answer, I really appreciate it!   Yours, and now LiefP’s answer (in his comments) has helped me know that my own answer wasn’t just out of being blind or naive.

                        on November 20, 2019.
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