I’m new here – from Australia. I’m 72 and have been a Christian for 51 years, having been saved when a work colleague told me about Jesus and the gospel; I’ve been married for 47 years. With all this under my belt, you’d think I could answer my own question.
My friend (same age) and I chat and we’ve been discussing our masturbation experiences and practices – things have dropped for both of us sexually with our wives.
The bottom line is that my friend wants to masturbate with me occasionally – not mutual, just in each other’s presence. I would like to but I’m more concerned than he is that it might be sinful. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal because he doesn’t want physical contact with me. I read a post on a web site that says jerk buddies isn’t sinful because it’s not sex with each other, just two guys having some fun together, but I can’t find it now to check his reasoning again.
I couldn’t discuss this with my pastor because I’m in a strongly conservative church, and I don’t know who to turn to discuss it with. Can anybody here help?
What is the purpose to doing it together? To up arousal? I don’t see that it would be much different than watching pornography, which I believe is sin. It’s bringing another person into the marriage bed that isn’t your wife. You are sharing a sexual experience with another. Rather than allowing your sexuality to draw you nearer your wife, it is used to cause a separation. I would also guess that lust would become a factor, otherwise why would one need “company” to do it?
How does your wife feel about this idea?
Many types of sexual things can be exciting and we need to guard our hearts and minds against sex that is improper for us. Romans 1:27 says:
In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
The danger of being inflamed with lust for your friend or vice versa would be very high and could very well lead to much worse. Given what has happened, I’d also be much less likely to discuss anything of a sexual nature with him from this point forward.
Each of you should work on improving the sexual situation with your own wife instead. Masturbation can also be a part of your experience, but I think it should be by yourself or involve your wife.
Mutual masturbation is not an entirely solo activity even if it doesn’t involve touching between the two parties, it does involve interaction.
sitting around jerking one out with another guy…..sorry, that sounds way too gay to me. On second thought, that IS just gay. Maybe your friend has a hidden issue with same sex attraction.
Ask your wife to sit with you instead while you masturbate if she is not willing to participate on occasion.
There have been many comments here lately by men about sex being the most important way of connecting in intimacy with their wives (as opposed to just a physical release.) It seems to me that might be what you are really hoping for in looking for a way to excuse the idea of masturbating together: connection. If you are not connecting with your wife sexually, it is possible you are not connecting much at all with her. It is natural to want that connection, and how about that, here you have been offered one in the guise of a purely physical exercise. Don’t fall for it; this is a counterfeit connection. Look for ways to connect with your wife and to build intimacy with her (non-sexual if that’s what she need right now). sd959 is right: Masturbate if you need to, but do it by yourself or with your wife. If you do it with your buddy, you will be building a connection–an unhealthy and a sinful one.
Thanks to all for all your comments. You’ve confirmed what I thought and given me even more, not only to think about but to arm myself. I needed to hear the things you said. Duchess hit it when she (?) suggested the problem is lack of connection with our wives. I knew this but it hadn’t really registered. Anyway, I don’t think I could have done it because my wife trusts me and I couldn’t betray her….I couldn’t live at peace with myself if I did it. But the repeated requests from my friend were disturbing. I needed someone from outside the situation to tell me what they saw. Thanks for your willingness to get involved, and help out.
I was suitably ashamed and convicted yesterday after the first batch of replies from you all. I could see it all clearly after seeing it through your eyes. I immediately emailed my friend and told him about it and that we need to change the way we think and discuss. We’ll discuss it over a coffee in the next day or so and he’s keen to do that. Thank you for correcting an erring brother: Gal 6:1; 1 Jn 5:16-19.
@figleaf, we all have questions, we all have been confused and blinded at times. Don’t let the accuser keep you bound in shame. Praise the Lord you had ears to hear, eyes to see, and a heart to obey. Praying the Lord goes before you, preparing your friends heart and that the Spirit will be your voice as you talk.
Do you speak with your friend about what you are leaning in the scriptures? Do you encourage your friend in the Lord? Are you good for one another, building each other up spiritually, (1 Thess. 5:1-10)? in this way set your mind on the things above where it counts, (Col. 3:2-10). You have physical needs, great, work on them with the love of your life, your wife.