Keeping Secrets

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    Do you think its wrong to keep secrets on things like………. well you feel your mother in law is very annoying, and you are SO RELIEVED when she leaves.  Do you think it is wrong to not tell him that you find your in-laws to be annoying and just pretend like you like them?

    Or that you wish your husband had finished college? Do you think it is wrong to keep that a secret that it annoys you? Or should you tell him that he should’ve finished college and whenever you get angry/upset about his choice you should announce it to him?

    Or little things like you found him more attractive when he had hair and wasn’t bald.  Do you think its wrong to keep it a secret that you don’t find him as attractive when he is bald?

    Just wondering!

     

     

     

     

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      I don’t believe that keeping potentially hurtful thoughts from becoming actual hurtful words is keeping a secret but rather choosing to only speak words that build your spouse up rather than tear them down. The world does enough of that. This is especially true in situations involving self image issues.

      OTOH, I believe when asked a person must tell the truth in a loving way regardless of the subject.

      Lastly, if the in-laws or something else creates enough stress for you to the point resentment is growing then it must be discussed. The key is to discuss it at the best time during a low stress period when loving words can be chosen.

      Now if I could just do that!

      Fell out of ... Answered on October 19, 2019.

      Very good point about being asked and being honest.

      on October 19, 2019.
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        Love.  Love is what is required of us in ALL things.  Love encompasses truth and grace.  When we must speak truth, it HAS to be done in love, or we are best to keep our mouth shut.  Does truth mean we have to spew out every thought and desire in us, some being evil in nature?…. no.  Philippians 4:8 is a good filter.

        All of that to say, no I don’t think it’s wrong to remain silent at certain times.  Love has to be our filter and our motivating factor in all things.  But if the Spirit says to speak, it’s best to be obedient….in love, of course.

        Under the stars Answered on October 18, 2019.
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          Share annoyances only if you can constructively achieve a change. To share something that makes you unhappy with no purpose other than to make it known can be hurtful to a person or harmful to your relationship. For example, can he do anything about being bald? If hair restoration will make a difference (and you can afford it) or a well-fitted toupee is desirable then positively communicate it. If you think telling him that you don’t find him as attractive now that he’s bald serves no good purpose.

          Fell out of ... Answered on October 18, 2019.
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            First. Let me address the question about college. I think it is reasonable to say that you wished he completed college. I think that is just sharing your thoughts. On the other hand, what you asked was if you should tell him he should have finished. That is a much different thing, and I believe it would be very, very wrong. It would not go well with me, and I dont think I am alone. It is tantamount to saying that he was wrong to quit, and that you know better than him.

            The last question is even easier. Ask yourself how you would feel if he said he would find you more attractive if you had a breast enlargement or a tummy tuck, or some other change to your appearance that would be out of your control naturally.

            California King Answered on October 19, 2019.

            I would not put hair on the same level as permanent surgeries. My husband and I talk about grooming, and I have no qualms telling him if his beard is overgrown etc. He wants me to find him attractive, he may not listen or act right away, but I dont bug him about it, i let him know and let him take it from there.

            on October 19, 2019.

            I would not be offended if I was told I like that shade of makeup on you or I like your new haircut or updo etc.

            on October 19, 2019.

            I can see it being on the same level, but not always. If a man is balding, or bald, there’s not much he can do about it, except what Oldbear mentions. That seems like extreme measures to ask of someone, not much different than breast augmentation.

            on October 19, 2019.

            Are we sure the OP is talking about unintentional baldness? A lot of men are shaving their heads bald now, although most of the ones DH and I know that do this do so because they are heading that way and would rather make a “preemptive strike” on Mother Nature. If he is choosing to be bald, then expressing her preference would be fine. Otherwise, I agree with everyone else–it’s just mean.

            on October 20, 2019.
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              As, SC said, love is good.

              It seems to me that some of the things you list – like your feelings about your in-laws –  might be difficult to hide over the long haul. I sense it won’t be a secret for long as it is hard to fake loving people.

              The same might be true about your last issue too. You may want to see if you can’t find a way to be attracted to him without hair too.  Or consider how he might be feeling about the changes happening to you.

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 18, 2019.
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                Doug brought up one of the most important principles of marriage: “You should have finished college” is both critical and controlling.  “I wish you had finished college” is simply sharing your perspective. The first is damaging to a marriage, whether you say it or even if you only think it.  Treat the words “You should” as a marital obscenity.

                On the floor Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                  @Prov31, is your main point about each subject you raise and you want those separately addressed, or is it about actually keeping secrets in general, and not feeling you have to tell your spouse EVERYTHING, and you are just giving examples, in a wry kind of way?

                  I took it as the latter, in light of your last question thread. And that you are making a point that there are times our thoughts and feelings could do great damage if we just shared them because we believe “keeping secrets is wrong” in a marriage. If I am wrong, I can always throw more advice to each specific scenario.

                  Under the stars Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                    I’m wondering if the fact that you have these irritations, a few of which are objectively somewhat trivial, is an indication of a deeper unhappiness? Is there something bigger bothering you that you don’t feel like you are able to solve or even address so that you end up constantly annoyed by other things?

                    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                      I dont see a problem in talking about the future and possibility of him finishing a degree, or even telling him you would find it attractive if he did, or just let him know how you feel. I would NOT use it when you are aggravated or in an argument. Talks about inlaws need to be handled delicately, but finding an efficient way to communicate that would be good, keeping things inside creates resentment. I’d probably ask him how he likes your appearance ie, does he like your hair longer/shorter than he may ask you what you like too. Again, it’s good to communicate, even how you like his appearance, it just needs to be done in a way that wont make him defensive.

                      Queen bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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