Lack of sexual intimacy…
My husband and I are coming up on two years of marriage now and it has been wonderful. I enjoy physical contact with him like hugs and cuddles, but sex has never a top priority for me. He is usually the one to initiate, and if we do actually do it, he’s putting in most of the effort. I mean, I like it, but I also have a hard time reading my body (orgasms). I feel like I’m just going with the motions. He keeps asking me what I want, and I don’t know what to tell him. I’m not sure what to do, and I don’t want to disappoint him. Is this normal?
Oh, it’s so normal. Wiser folks than I will have much to say about this, but I wanted to quickly respond so you can feel better about yourself.
It sounds like you are a responsive desire spouse. Many women are. And only two years in, I feel you’re at an advantage over many wives with the same issues who never examine why. The good news is, the more you explore this, the better in touch with yourself you will be. And it will get easier for you to say what you want and don’t want.
I, too, believe what you are experiencing is common. Even after 25 years, it’s hard to communicate what one wants when they don’t know. We women, with our hormones and other variables, are always changing, so what works one time might not work the next or the next or the next.
I encourage you too to learn about yourself as a women in general, there are some good resources in blogs and books. Personally, I actually learned things about myself from reading “For Men Only” by the Feldhahns. But also learn your your body and how it can respond sexually. “Responsive desire” may be a key thing for you. A few questions down, there are multiple links shared that can help you learn about that.
Something else to consider, I don’t know if you are on hormonal birth control, or other meds like antidepressants, but those are known to kill libido.
We’ve been married 20+ years and you just described my wife. So I’d say it’s very common. She still can’t tell me what she wants and has no outward desire that I can see.
However, we do have sex two or three times a week and it’s better now than ever inspite of the limitations. Have to keep working at it and communicating.
Good for you for taking the time to reflect and ask questions. Is it normal? What you’re feeling is probably normal for many women AND CERTAINLY younger women.
From what you said, it sounds like there are some things you enjoy but you’re not sure how your body responds. I’d suggest taking some time to go on a “journey” with your husband…and with maybe with yourself to discover more about your body and how it responds/feels sexually. Spend some time together and/or separately (BUT I think it would bless your husband to see you exploring) to just pleasure yourself WITHOUT the goal of intercourse. Make a time and go for it. Set a timer for 15 -30 minutes and see what feels good first…and maybe then enjoy intercourse with your spouse. Take a sexcation with your husband to pursue sexual pleasure together without the goal of his O. Get some massage oils, lubricants, toys, furniture and HAVE FUN!!!
The more you can learn about your body…hormones…cycles…responsiveness, etc, the more you can communicate with your spouse about what will and will not work now. REMEMBER, it’s a journey and a marathon. Have fun…learn to communicate well now about this and other things, and you’ll have a great opportunity for a fulfilling marriage and marriage bed. Your body…hormones…preferences…will change over your marriage and lifetime so learn, observe, reflect and communicate now and you’ll have some great tools to thrive for the rest of your life!
Thank y’all so much for your responses. This is a weird area for me, so it takes a weight off my shoulders knowing that others have gone through it, too. I will say that, yes, I’m on birth control (since high school), and I never thought that that could be a reason.
We’ll try some exploration tonight and see what happens!
Being on hormonal birth control can have profound impacts on just about every aspect of your daily life: mood, eating habits, weight gain, sexual desire, etc. Having been on it continually since such a young age, you may have no idea what your real physical desires are. Some women see almost no change in desire/libido, but many do see a pronounced decrease. A small percentage may see an increase in desire with it though.
I’ll echo what Scott said about birth control. My wife was on the pill from the beginning of our marriage until about 2 years ago. She didn’t ever have much spontaneous desire, and even responsive desire was limited. About a year after she quit the pill (I got snipped) she suddenly became much more interested in sex, and we’ve had the best (and most frequent) sex of our lives this past year. The pill served its purpose, and we would have been hard pressed to choose a different option until we were done for sure but it seems to make a major difference for many women.
That being said, @sunrae2018 you’re on the right track asking the question, and seeking solutions. Marriage is a journey that you’re just starting, and with a generous heart towards your husband I have no doubt you’ll grow together, develop intimacy (in all respects), and your sex life will mature as your love for each other grows!