Ladies, does desire build….

Ladies (especially those within 10-12 yrs of the half century mark) , does desire build up in you the longer you go without sex and an orgasm? Or do you find it decreases without activity?

ADDITION:  did desire return after menopause?

Usually, it builds with men the longer we go without sex and an orgasm. As I’ve mentioned before DW is struggling (especially compared 1-3 yrs ago) and there’s probably a LOT of reasons in her life right now, menopause probably being one of the biggest but I thought I’d ask. It’s not an issue of no sex for us as DW is more than willing to serve me, to initiate, and  her responsive desire can kick in as well after we get going. Still just wanted to ask.

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7 Answer(s)

    I’m closer to 50 than I wish I was! I generally haven’t noticed for myself that the more we have it, or the less we have it, that it makes me a big difference. You mentioned all the reasons your wife could be struggling right now. For myself, I sure wonder what I would be like if all those reasons and stresses were gone for one year! I am fairly sure it would make me a huge difference, more than having sex more or less.

    Under the stars Answered on June 27, 2020.

    Thx Brynna.

    REASONS INCLUDED: EARLY onset menopause (symptoms started mid 30’s, tested at 39 with hormones of 55 y/o) difficult school classes & then school turmoil with Covid19, pandemic frustrations, blending family issues, teen girls drama/hormones/friend issues/maturity, etc, working a little, night sweats & poor sleep, etc, husband stressed with work and family.) So yes, things are crazy around here and with my wonderful wife.

    on June 27, 2020.

    Sigh…..wish our lists weren’t so long. Even though mine has some different things on it, its almost as long as your DW’s.

    on June 27, 2020.
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      Not a lady. But my understanding is that typically it decreases over time without activity. Use it or lose it type of thing. The old boards had an article on that. Not sure if it still there.

      Under the stars Answered on June 27, 2020.
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        I’m nearly the same age as your wife, although I don’t really have any signs of menopause as yet, so perhaps that makes a difference.

        Some context: I have spent most of my marriage having a relatively low desire for sex. A few years ago, I made a fundamental shift in my thinking, attitudes, and understanding of married sex. This led to me being super sex positive, and pursuing sex enthusiastically and frequently (a huge change for me).

        So, in the past, the longer I went without sex/orgasm, the less I would be interested in sex. Bear in mind that my thinking about sex wasn’t great, so that probably played some role in all of that.

        More recently (the past few years), I would say the longer the time without sex/orgasm, the more I will desire it. Having said that, I still very much desire sex even when it hasn’t been long since we last had it, but the desire definitely escalates over time. Also bear in mind that my thinking about sex is super positive now, so that likely plays an important role.

        I can’t say how much of this is physiological, how much is mental, emotional, etc.

        I do know that I probably have what is considered to be fairly high drive, spontaneous desire. However, this was definitely not the case prior to my shift in attitudes about married sex.

        As I said, I haven’t yet experienced any glaring symptoms of peri-menopause, so perhaps that is a factor. To be honest, after reading other women’s experiences of going through menopause, I do have a certain amount of dread when I think about how it might affect my desire and enjoyment of sex, and how that may then affect my marriage. Only time will tell 🙂.

        King bed Answered on June 27, 2020.

        Thx MQ. You can read my comments under Brynna’s response. DW’s desire was a lot stronger when we got married and we ML usually 3-4/wk right now but it’s not necessarily out of her desire. It’s because of my initiation or hers to love and serve me.

        on June 27, 2020.
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          It seems to build for my 46 year old wife in peri-menopause. She only seems to be able get really into it about once a week. So the longer we go without(within reason) the more she’ll seem to want it or be really into it. We actually have sex two or three times a week but it’s clearly mostly for me unless it’s been at least four or five days. 🤔

          California King Answered on June 28, 2020.
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            For me, I think the feeling of urgency to come together sexually grows the longer we don’t, yet the physical readiness requires more “prep” the longer it’s been. When we are enjoying each other frequently, it might only take falling into bed together to put me in the mood for whatever we come up with. If it’s been a while, I need more:  a little extra flirtation, seduction. The desire  to have sex for me depends entirely on the state of our relationship. Feeling aligned and unified = want it! Feeling at odds in some way = I’d just as soon sleep or read!

            I’m holding up my fingers crossed to keep 50 at bay, and entered surgical menopause almost exactly a year ago. I have experienced a couple of annoying issues, but have not noticed a whole lot of difference in the above. Before my surgery, I was in Perimenopause and had noticed a steep surge in my desire and spontaneous physical arousal (which was why I ended up finding this board–so thankful for that!! 😉 )

            Under the stars Answered on July 1, 2020.
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              For Zelda (a few years younger than your DW and not menopausal), there is definitely a “build up” time for desire after an orgasmic sex session, at least somewhat similar to a man’s. Notice I said “orgasmic sex session” rather than just “orgasm”, as she can have more than one O in a session. However, after the “session” is over, she’s drained, and it can be harder for her the next day even if she has the mental desire.

              As with so many things, it’s more complicated than a man’s response, depending on time of the month, sickness, busyness, other stresses, and even how much sex and how good the sex is that we’ve been having. There is definitely some truth to her desire building more when we’ve been having good and frequent sex. However, a really good and long session can leave her drained (“ruined”), needing a little longer to recover than normal.

              I actually think that last part is overlooked by many. You’ll see many claim that the more sex/better sex a woman has then the more sex they will want, but clearly there is a limit on that. The trend is probably true for most women on the “left side” of the graph if you plotted it, but it can’t stay true forever, or on all time scales. Otherwise, that would mean that women have infinite libidos and all would turn into insatiable nymphos (sorry if that’s an offensive term) if only us men could keep up. That might describe a small percentage of women but not the average one. It reminds me of a woman here on TMB that hasn’t posted in a while. I believe their MB was 5-7 days/wk on average, but once she said they did 3x in one day and then she didn’t want sex for a whole week!


              Under the stars Answered on June 28, 2020.

              “Otherwise, that would mean that women have infinite libidos and all would turn into insatiable nymphos”

              I’d like to try that for awhile. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is awesome and generous to me. I just can’t imagine have a spouse who is insatiable in the MB. But I’m more than willing to offer myself as a guinea pig for an experiment if my wife wants to do a daily challenge again for the next month…or two…or ten.  😀

              on June 28, 2020.

              I really don’t think it’s true for most women. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if many/most women are on the “left” side of the plot maximum (libido vs. sexual frequency) by a good margin, which is why you see so many recommendations for women to masturbate to increase their libido.

              I also think that it is not uncommon for women to have a near-zero y-intercept (again, if you could plot it), which is why you hear of so many MBs dwindling to near-zero frequencies with those encounters being “for the man”. Get those women’s emotional needs met and then start giving them good sex, and that desire/libido starts creeping up, allowing/encouraging higher frequency, which pulls the libido up further, etc.

              There are certainly women out there with significantly positive y-intercepts like men have though. I read their viewpoints on The XYCode all the time. 🙂


              on July 2, 2020.
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                I have a similar past to MQ and agree with her comments. Once I woke from being low-drive, my desires continued to grow into my 50’s, even when I became peri-menopausal. I found the more I thought about sex the more I longed for it. My 1st husband texted, left hints, and generally stoked my thought life all day and then we he got home we always touched each other a lot. That set the stage for regular activities but usually only 3 times per week due to tiredness and schedules.

                A year after my husband died I remarried a man my age and my libido is through the roof, and thankfully so is his. If you had told me I would want sex multiple times per day, (or even once a day!) I would have told you that would never happen! In my 1st marriage I felt satiated after 1 or 2 Os and would happily go several days between sessions. Now I have tons of Os and occasionally have to tap out during a session, but I am ready again the next time we are in bed awake. I have become insatiable.
                Strangely my menstrual cycles become more regular again but I attribute that to my youngest daughter having cycles and throwing off hormone signals that are messing with me.
                I have found increased desire due to the incredibly deep emotional bond in this relationship (Dutchess mentioned that feeling of alignment). It is powerful and brings me to want to be one with him…all the time.

                King bed Answered on July 5, 2020.
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