Ladies – Does more of what you want lead you to want more sex?
This is a conversation my wife and I have had, but would like other ladies thoughts: If your husband is focusing and willing to give you more of what you want in sex, are you willing to have more sex? Are you willing to give him more of what he wants (sexually) beyond just sex?
Edited to ask the reverse as well: If he is not giving you want you want, is it likely to affect your willingness or frequency?
Edited to clarify: When I’m talking about “beyond just sex” I’m referring to things just beyond simple PiV, such as variety of positions, oral, other sex acts other that just showing up having your typical sexual encounter.
I feel like I’m the odd man out on a lot of the recent questions on this forum. I struggle to understand the questions. For instance, why would a husband NOT be focusing and giving his wife what she wants in sex? He’s either selfish or he doesn’t know what his wife likes (and that would be the fault of the wife for not telling him). I guess the answer is Yes, if I’m having good sex, I want more sex, but other things come into play (his availability being our biggest issue).
As for the other question, I can’t think of anything I’m not willing to do to help out my spouse. It’s not dependent on sex.
Short answer: No. I think i get pretty much everything i “need” with sex but it really doesn’t lead me to want it more, it’s the difference between (generally) men and women. Even knowing that i will have a great orgasm doesn’t necessarily make me want more. I was just thinking today of how sometimes it takes a gargantuan effort on my part even though my hormones are pretty good (my health is not, though) because of the effort and nakedness in every way with my husband that sex requires. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear and also that is just my experience.
I am very willing to give him more than he wants beyond sex because he’s a wonderful man and i love him so very much.
SongOfAngels – But is the opposite true as well, if he is not giving you want you need you still give him the same amount of sex? Sorry I could not comment, not enough post.
Edited to add: Not looking for a particular answer here, this is more of a theoretical discussion between my wife and I, not an issue we’re having.
“If your husband is focusing and willing to give you more of what you want in sex, are you willing to have more sex? “
“Want” can mean different things, since there aren’t a whole lot of specifics. If I take this literally, my answer is “yes”. In this season of my life, I want things to be kept on the shorter end of time, I want the “tried and true”, I don’t want a lot of new or variety…. if my husband wasn’t understanding of where I am, and he pushed for more, it would feel like too much for me and that I couldn’t do it, so I would have to back away or put up more boundaries.
“Are you willing to give him more of what he wants beyond just sex?”
What do you mean with “beyond just sex”? Are you talking about in the bedroom or outside of it? I am more likely to give him everything he wants, in and out of the bedroom, when he is filling my needs outside of the bedroom, when I am in a healthy place. BTDT, trying to get back there.
I’m not sure his actions affect what I am willing to do for him. I just want to give him what he needs regardless of what I’m getting.
However, what he does affects my desire to have more sex. Studies have been done on semen and its effect on women. It definitely increases my libido. And the more I orgasm, the more I want sex. That’s linked to hormones as well. So yeah, if he’s paying that kind of attention to me, I’m more likely to initiate later.
In reply to your added question, “If he is not giving you want you want, is it likely to affect your willingness or frequency?”
Yes, and no. I have made a choice, starting back in 2013, to not say “no”, and that choice has very little to do with my husband and his choices. His choices do affect the actual quality and intimacy we truly have. It does not really affect the frequency nor my willingness, except for it can make my battle against my flesh (lack of desire) harder. His choices affect the gap or veil we have between us.
Here is an exception, I gave and poured out sooooo much, with little to no return for two years, that I got to a point that I can’t give any more at times. I have had to set boundaries… with our therapist/counselor actually recommending that I need to bring “no” back into the bedroom. Currently, my husband desires sex twice a day, and could pull it off with his TRT. Back when I first changed, he could have it whenever he wanted it. Now, he knows he is pretty much guaranteed daily, except Sundays, and often enough, Mondays end up being twofers.
Is that a willing and maybe even generous wife, or is that a stubborn, hard-hearted wife because I have set boundaries that I won’t let him cross, unless it’s by invitation? I am guessing there are mixed takes on it, and the opinions don’t really matter. But that is why my answer is “yes and no.”
I’m pretty much willing to have sex as much and as often as he wants. Short of a bad stomach bug or something equivalent I don’t turn him down. I think sometimes I have a higher drive than he does, especially in times of stress. When he’s very stressed sometimes sex is like a hurdle that he can’t get his mind in the right place for even if logically he know knows it will help with his stress levels. So he pretty much dictates our sexual frequency.
However I would say that if (and sometimes when) we were doing more of the things that interest me or I find arousing sexually (not just sexually but also in how we flirt, build arousal, how we relate) I would probably be more enthusiastic about sex. Not that I’m unengaged or don’t enjoy sex but naturally if you are doing something that really turns you on the level of enjoyment will be greater than if you are doing something that is neutral for you.
In terms of not just frequency but specifics beyond piv there are a few things that he loves that I really do not, nothing really out there just things that are more physically irritating than pleasurable for me or that I feel awkward doing. We do them still occasionally, less frequently than he’d like more frequently than I would. I have noticed that when we do the things that really drive him wild, his very obvious enjoyment feeds mine and I get more turned on so there is that circular effect.