Ladies in menopause…
Ladies, who are in or beyond menopause, how much fluctuation did you see in your desire? In your ability to O? In the intensity of an O? Did it go away and come back? Do you have any thoughts that I can help to serve her?
My awesome wife has early onset menopause and has been for our entire marriage. (She just missed the 12 month count by 1 month in March.) She started down this road in her mid-30’s and when we married three years ago, her hormone tests said she was the same as a 55 y/o woman at DW’s ripe old age of 39. With that said, desire and O’s have been elusive on occasion. This week she had a couple encounters with O’s that I honestly wasn’t sure if she came because of her expression and body. (Seemed like a 1 on a 1-10 scale.) Then she had, what I’d say was a 4-5 last night by her response.
We make love 4-5 /wk plus what some might call sexual touch for connection many more times so I inquired about the state of her desire. She said her internal desire to make love is typically a zero now (wasn’t that way when we got married) BUT she added that I am her motivating desire and she initiates because she loves me and knows how important it is, especially after my previous marriage. (Yes, I am blessed beyond measure and as I’ve said before, she is a gift from a God to make up for the years the locust and Enemy had taken.)
DW is more homeopathic and loves natural stuff so she’s been using serenol to lessen the mood & PMS symptoms and she’s now trying one of their natural supplements to address the desire issue.
Of course, this pandemic, her starting difficult schooling for a career post kids and then getting postponed, changed, started again, now difficult teachers & classes with online classes and “labs” and her desire to maintain “A’s” in all this, high schools shutting down, teen girls’ angst & drama, blending family issues, and a stressed out husband also adds to the potential problems with multiple other stressors not mentioned could also be messing and not helping the situation.
Thanks in advance.
You might want to mention inter-vaginal estrogen to her. Even though she is homeopathic, this made a world of difference to my wife physically. She had started to get some pain and irritation, and now that has stopped. It’s all she will ever be able to do because of an estrogen sensitive breast tumor she had, but it has helped. The estrogen amount is very low and local in activity. I think it has helped her moods a little, but hard to document that. I don’t know about desire increases, but it has taken away the physical discomfort aspect which was starting to make it harder for her. We tried several lubes and found one that worked, but for now she doesn’t even need that usually. We had sex last night (yep…)and she was as naturally lubed as I have ever known her to be.
I don’t think I will be any help, I believe I am in some form of perimenopausal stage. I was noticing a difference in sexual responses, such as losing sensations and more difficulty in orgasms. I think I have seen a decrease in intensity of orgasms overall, but I also believe I am experiencing some form of FE that I had never before. There was enough changes, including non-sexual ones like anxiety, that we were talking about me getting my hormones checked at the beginning of the year (we didn’t because of issues that came up, including Covid.) I have actually wondered if regular and frequent sex, is helping regulate hormones and aid in easing menopausal symptoms…. that’s just a thought and question, I haven’t looked for any science behind it.
Trust me, I understand desiring to do things the natural way…. that is me all the way. But, I also have been on the other side, where one was so focused on the “natural way”, and it went on for so long, it tanked our marriage. I personally advise that a couple really needs to talk about, and continue to be open about what priority things have in their marriage. There could be a line where one way is okay for a time, but when you hit that line, it no longer is and a change needs to be made. Is being “natural” as important, if you are destroying the spirit of the other, and the marriage, at the same time? When does sexual oneness jump up on the priority list over “being natural”? I would guess for every marriage, it will be different. I know couples that are fine with the sexual side of things dying off as they age. But, that should be a unified marital decision, not a unilateral one.
I am two years out of menopause and yes, there has been a change in desire, but it didn’t happen until a year or so ago. The only way I can describe it is that there is a physical loss of the feeling of being ‘horny’ or turned on. I should add that I’ve always been HD. I still mentally and emotionally desire sex.
Once we get going, I can physically get turned on, it just takes longer. My orgasms are still very good (based on your scale, I’d say they average a 7). Again, it just takes longer, and a vibe is necessary.
I’m not a fan of herbal supplements because of research I’ve done. I lead an active lifestyle and focus on a plant-based diet. I believe that helped me get through menopause without any of the usual symptoms.
I know you’re still in your newlywed phase, but it’s possible that sex 4-5 times a week doesn’t give her a chance to build up desire. Just a thought.
Sounds like there’s a lot of stuff getting in the way of her being able to focus on sex. Then again, my experience since entering surgical menopause has been similar to LuckyInLove’s in that the mental and emotional desire is there (maybe even more so than when my body was feeling so bad from the mess that was my reproductive system) but physically it just takes longer and a little more effort. Once I get there though, response is as strong as ever, I believe.
She admits that her desire is low but she initiates out of love for you; is there any indication that she is unhappy with that situation? If not, it might just be how things are for her right now and they will return to normal when life slows down a little for her as long as you are patient and undemanding. Let your lovemaking to her be more about giving her care and quiet sensual pleasure than thrills and chills (if she is happy with that) and if she still wants to give you mind-blowing Os because she loves you, just thank her for being so kind and generous and do what you can to be the same in other ways.
Also, teen girls–I only have one and I can tell you that can take ALL desire for any kind of emotional effort right out the window! And since cycle syncing is a real thing, if hers are all messed up because of menopause, she could be having sympathy PMS whenever they are on the bat—t crazy train. (It happens to me!) Best advice there is to try to arrange a night every now and then where she doesn’t have to do much parenting for a few hours before trying to get sexy.
Whatever you do, DON’T STRESS about it. And be sure she knows you are not constantly watching for that moment when she becomes your first wife. There’s a fine line between being sensitive to a need you have because of a past experience and feeling like she is expected to fail by repeating history. I’m not saying you are making her feel that way; just be aware that it could creep in.
Don’t ignore the situation, do keep an eye on the changes, but give it a little time before you decide something is “wrong”. Oh, and make sure she’s current on all her medical checkups.
Thx everyone. DW’s lubrication still seems fine but we still tend to use MELT almond massage oil for foreplay, or coconut oil on rare occasion which helps her “insides” as well. She was supposed to have a annual physical at the beginning of the Covid mess, it got changed to May, then postponed again, not by her choice.
@duchess- she’s content with our TMB and we regularly communicate about our TMB. I had three boys but am well aware of women’s cycles aligning. Both of them have gone through their, “I hate you, when can I move out of here?” phase. DW was like anytime you want to go live with your dad. That’s always stopped them in their tracks because he’s a narcissist with antisocial personality disorder and it’s impossible for him to have empathy or get close emotionally.
@luckyinlove – our TMB newlywed phase was the first 8 months at 7-9x/wk which we both wanted. Technically, Ron Deal of FamilyLife says the newlywed phase for blending a family comes after 7 yrs, with the first two marriage milestones being one and three years. Most second and beyond marriage don’t last that long. Close friends who’ve been married 10 yrs now told me it takes that long to finally feel secure in each other, to know the other is not the same as an ex, and to stop stepping so much on each other’s “air hoses” as my wife likes to say. We will sometimes go all week without ML and if that happens, it seems like we make up for it starting on Thursday night or Fridays (which is my day off; although sadly the girls are home now).
@SC – I don’t think she’s placing “natural” over our ones. I was just asking for others experiences to see where things are at. Hopefully her doctor’s appt will get reschedule AGAIN and maybe it’ll include some hormone therapy if the time is right. She also agrees with the “use it or lose it” and with the lubrication of her own and the oils, her V walls are getting used and keeping their elasticity.