Ladies, Please Help Me Understand Particulars About Wife’s Past
I would really appreciate ladies’ perspectives on these questions.
Other recent posts have reminded me that my wife (married over 40 years now) had a boyfriend before we met. They were sexually active. Early in our relationship, I didn’t know better than to ask questions for which the answers might be hurtful. One question I asked was how many times they had sex on their first night. She was a virgin. The answer was eight.
How can a virgin have sex eight times in one night? How can a male have sex eight times in one night? The most I have ever been able to do is three. Therefore, the questions that I struggle with are, am I inadequate only being able to do three? (The answer is she doesn’t complain, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t wish that for me. She has multiple Os.) I think about it a lot even these many years later.
Am I as big has he is? Am I big enough? She has multiple Os, but there are some positions where I thrust as deep as I can go, and they seem to set her off even more. I wonder if he was able to “hit the spot” better than I have been able to. I’m apparently average size. She told me once that I was longer and had bigger girth, but she’s the type who would lie to keep from hurting my feelings.
The first time she had a O with me, she remarked, “I’ve never done that before.” I took it to mean it was the first time she’d had an O. A few years ago, I asked her if she really never had an O with her boyfriend. She said evasively, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t remember.” To me, that’s a lie.
I obviously don’t begrudge anything that happened before me. That was then. I get it. However, as I move into old age, as life takes its mental and physical toll on me, these questions are not going away. She has never asked any questions about old girlfriends.
Ladies, if you can put yourself in her position and help me understand what this is all about, I’d be very thankful. These questions are not going to just go away. I don’t let her know that I struggle with them. That wouldn’t be fair to her. She did nothing wrong toward me. It’s also a good idea to note that when I’m under a lot of stress, like I have been with some unrelated family issues lately, the problem is much worse. Even when things are going okay, though, the questions persist.
First of all don’t beat yourself up about it. I am realizing as i am getting older that there are faulty thought patterns and emotions with some areas in my life similar to yours that definitely need addressed should i want any PEACE and happiness/joy in my life. They are mine and mine alone and i have to own them first of all WITHOUT shaming myself. That is the first step that you’re admitting it, that you’re seeing that it has triggers and you’re laying (hopefully) the onus completely on yourself. This is important and that you’re bringing this into the light.
Having dealt with issues like this that rob me of all peace and set my mind around and around, i have bit my tongue until it bleeds not to involve my husband in this, it would not bode well and it will NEVER resolve the issue or help me in any way, all it will do is set the merry-go-round in motion and probably damage my relationship beyond repair. I have learned self control and to make this my own, i cannot punish my husband in any way just to salve my own wounds.
Forgive your wife. Every single day if you have to. Resolve to do whatever you can to remove her from the situation. You KNOW rationally that what you’re doing isn’t right nor does it belong in your marriage–so find a way to deal with your emotions. For me, it was realizing WHAT i was feeling and why, therefore i knew it wasn’t reasonable and go work out or do whatever i could to mitigate it and it disappeared. Replacing those emotions/feelings with something positive over time will help. It is something you KNOW you HAVE to do. Recognize it when it rears it’s ugly head, GO TO GOD IN PRAYER as only He can really make you feel worthy (not your wife) and expect Him to move and be ready to release it and let it go.
When i got breakthrough is when i realized i was getting some sort of twisted satisfaction from those feelings and i owned it and no longer wanted to be that kind of person. Sometimes, inadequate feelings are really some sort of pride (not saying that’s your case)
I hope i made some sort of sense and helped you. I’m not nearly as eloquent as most of the brothers and sisters on TMB
Maybe there are some rare gems out there, but I would guess most women have no desire for 8x in a night, especially consistently. I have no desire for 3x in a night, but there might be the rare occasion I might be okay with it. I would guess you believe your wife thinks and feels about sex as you do…. if I was a betting woman, I would lay money on the fact she doesn’t. I would guess she gives little to no thought of the man from over 40 years ago. You are giving more mind space to him than she does.
I love, love, love the answers by SongofAngels and SeekingChange, and I agree with Leah. If it helps you let it go, remember that very young men often come very quickly. A virgin could certainly tolerate eight one-minute intercourse sessions spread out over several hours.
What I want to challenge is your statement: “These questions are not going to just go away. I don’t let her know that I struggle with them. That wouldn’t be fair to her.” Why wouldn’t it be fair to her? You’re right: blaming her wouldn’t be fair, but you’re not doing that, right? You are struggling with an emotional issue and you are hiding it from your spouse. That is withholding intimacy, to me that is the part that doesn’t seem fair to her. How is the relationship apart from this issue? Is it strong enough to tolerate some intimacy?