Making love AFTER conflict….
Last week was a difficult week for DW and I. Teens….ex…adult kid being immature…work…and just me being an insensitive boob to my bonus daughter….and wife on different occasions…all in the midst of CMas and ministry…
With some of the stressors of life, friendship, parenting and marriage, it seems like some of the most intense/passionate love-making can take place after a rocky day between you two, the resolution of conflict and/or being away from each other AND then PATIENTLY/SLOWLY reconnecting emotionally (vs me just wanting to go for it physically) seems to take the heat up exponentially.
On a similar note, when I arrived a couple days late to DW’s family home (due to visiting my parents first and coming late due to work), we’d said goodbye under some strain 3 days earlier and then I found out later, she’d been treated poorly/cruelly by her mom again. (That’s another thread to write!) so when we reunited, I was tired but hot and horny and after some reconnection emotionally, she was ready and raring to go.
The show EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND even had an episode on “angry sex” when Debra would get mad and Marie, the MiL, and would want to passionately jump Ray…(so he took advantage of it and of course, got caught by his wife AND mom. It was hilarious,)
Am I right or wrong? What’s your experience as a couple after conflict together? What about while a spouse is in conflict with another person, family or friend? Not that you’ve taken advantage of the situation (like Ray) but that it’s just happened when emotions are high and the sex was intense! Have you found that the more you put off the sex (usually men) and reconnect emotionally, the hotter things will be?
I shared this when another asked “What does passion mean to you?” I believe you are seeing this dynamic at work.
“Handling your conflict well will lead to an intimate relationship. Your disagreements create sparks and relational intensity, which, if handled correctly, produce deep emotional connection. Every time you successfully work through a conflict, the two of you will be a little closer. Each resolved conflict brings a greater knowledge of one another, which results in a greater love for one another.
Resolved conflicts are one of the main avenues to passion.” – Dr. David Clarke
@Tracker, I see I should have copied the disclaimer as well.
**DISCLAIMER: a couple needs to learn to handle conflict well. When handled poorly, it “will inevitably lead to a dead relationship. It won’t die immediately, but it will die over time, a slow, agonizing death. Every time you fail to resolve a conflict, you’re a little further apart. Eventually, you are miles apart, and no love is left.”
Never in our 22+ years of marriage has this ever happened. When I’m mad…I’m mad. Same with her. Whether it’s about us or something else. it usually takes days (sometimes weeks) to reconnect due to a conflict. And it’s the same as usual…not really any more passionate than normal. I’m glad you’ve experienced something so great!
@SeekingChange – I firmly believe that quote. Thanks for sharing
Blending a family is difficult, even when it’s the right thing. As difficult as it has been, when I’m and my DW are in a right and healthy mind, I view EVERY conflict as an opportunity for DW to have greater intimacy because it’s an opportunity for personal and relational growth because honesty leads to intimacy. She’s not leaving me, nor I her, as painful as conflict can be, so with that off the table, we can dive into the conflict, character issue, ghost from the past, etc. It doesn’t always get worked out on the first day or night, sometimes it’s taken us a few days to sort our thoughts & feelings out…BUT sometimes that’s enough, that reassurance of, “I’d marry you again in a heartbeat” and “we’re gonna live & work together to survive another day” to allow physical intimacy as we work through it. BUT the times when it’s been deep stuff and the emotional/relational intimacy (IN TO ME SEE) and we can work it through and feel known…loved…understood, it just seems the sparks fly…DW’s nerve endings because so sensitive that se describes it as making every touch of her like fire and her body shudders and she gasps for air, which of course, I can’t get enough of then ’cause it’s such a turn-on to see her go.
There have been occasions where my DW and I have difficult conversations. Not fights, but moments of tension and sometimes some regret or sadness. During the conversation, we’ll tend to be very close, maybe even cuddling. We very often have sex right afterwards.