Marriage and Sex Life Improvement

    My wife and I just moved house to another city.  While driving there, I was thinking.  The kids were at the new house.  I was really horny.  I’d just had my second round of T-shots, and during the long drive to the new house, I was fantasizing about sexual play with my wife.  I was also lamenting, in my mind, how it was so hard to get my wife to do the types of things I was fantasizing about, or just the simplest sex.

    It hadn’t always been that way.   When we first got married, she really wanted to please me.  But that willingness to please seemed to have waned.  We were having sex every night as newlyweds, and then she said that made her sore.  So we’d do intercourse every other night and she’d give me hand jobs every other night and during her period.

    During the long drive to the new house, I started thinking about that desire to please me that wasn’t as strong as before.  If I made a sexual comment or flirted, sometimes, I’d get a negative attitude, not like when we first married.  I seemed to annoy her a lot.  She’d been spending a lot of time in prayer and talked about how she felt the Lord was changing her.  I’d been praying for to the Lord to change her in other areas related to our relationship, too.

    And while I was driving, I began to think about my own willingness to please me wife.  I also found my wife maybe a bit annoying at times.  I wanted to do something else, and she’d want to talk.  I’d endure sitting here instead of listening like I did as a newly wed.  If she asked for help doing something, I’d feel annoyed since it was keeping me from doing other things.  During our previous move, she’d gotten really upset.  We went through a time of ‘cold war’ of not getting along until we prayed together and forgave each other and got past it.

    But during this move, both of us, with the lack of sleep and exhaustion, may have been a bit grumpy, she did not have the emotional blow ups and she wasn’t angry at me.  She since told me she believed it was the Lord working on her.

    So while I was driving, I began to think of how loving and kind I was to my wife when we were newly weds.  I would speak to her lovingly.  I would listen to her.  I’d flirt with her and say kind things to her.  It occurred to me that I could be a leader in this, and treat her with the same kind of kindness again, and she would reciprocate.  It was like I was receiving faith to believe that I could have just as good of a marriage as I wanted, so I prayed for that.  I also prayed for our sex life.

    I had the beginnings of a little speech for my wife about how we were so in love when we first got married, and a picture of what I wanted our marriage to be like.  I also prayed about how that would effect our sex life.

    During the drive, I got concerned about my wife’s safety.  We’d taken different routes.  I hoped she go on ahead and not be on the road as long as tired as we were.   Our GPS’ took us different routes.  She turned off.  I wanted to keep the big rental truck on a route I knew.  So I was concerned about her.  I was praying for her as we drove.  When we got home, she told me about going the wrong way on the Interstate, following her GPS into the woods, where there was no road, and falling a sleep parked on the road and a policeman urging her to move along.

    We got home around 5 AM and got  to sleep around 6 AM.  When we finally woke up, I gave her a really good massage.  Later that day, I told her briefly how I wanted us to have a better marriage, but she acted overwhelmed.  Neither of us had slept much.   So I laid off on the conversation.  I may have worked some of the ideas into our conversation since.

    So, after that, I have been trying to speak very kindly to my wife, just like I did as a newly weds.  We’d taken a bath together and made love yesterday.  She did something special for me, and it was very intense.

    Today, my wife told me about her problem with a Facebook group she’s on.  I looked her in the eye and tried to really listen.  I’ve flirted with her a lot.  While I was trying to work on something, when she’d ask me to move a box that seemed lower priority than what I needed to do on a deadline, I’d try to really help her.  I could still get the other work done in time and our relationship was more important.  She asked me to move a box, so I’d say stuff like, “Because you are such a special person, I’ll do it for you” and stuff like that.  She was enjoying it.  I could tell she really enjoyed my willingness to help.  It went over better than rolling my eyes or complaining that her requests were keeping me from other work or just neutrally offering to do it later.  Service may be her love language.

    It is rare for my wife to want sex two days in a row.  Over the past year or two, maybe two other times she was horny and hit me up for sex again the same day.  I always try to comply.

    She shared an issue she was having online today, and I just looked into her eyes the whole time and tried to listen.  Later, she stood beside me as I ate at the table, and a couple of my fingers grazed her buttocks.  She gave a rather unique smile.  I wonder if she was smiling because she was aroused, but since my wife usually responds negatively to sexual questions, I didn’t say that and wanted her to say it.

    So as we worked later in the garage, I asked her and kept trying to get her to tell me what the smile was about.  She avoided that, but later volunteered that she felt horniness– just like when she was a young woman.  I told her she needed to act on that.  I was there to serve.  We kept working on boxes.

    Later, I was in the bedroom, working on something, bills probably.  She came in and asked if I wanted a surprise.  She wanted us to take our pants off and just have sex spontaneously.  Eventually, she asked for me to run and get some lube.  We had a good time of sex.

    I wanted to explain to her that if I am able, I will always try to be there for her for sex, and any time she is horny like that to come to me and tell me and not be shy or hesitant.  If I’m don’t feel horny, I am willing to connect to her in that way.  I told her my penis was hers and just to use it if she needs it.

    I’ve also read that some women in their 40’s, as their eggs are drying up, get a burst of horniness and want to have sex a lot.  I’ve been praying for that for her.  I’d like to have a wife who initiates sex with me.  It is very rare for her to do that, and it’s extremely subtle.  I mentioned eggs, and she starts talking about how the house would be good for having a baby.  She’d decided against any more kids after a miscarriage nearly two years ago now.  But she seemed almost excited about the idea.  I tried to get her back on my point– if she goes through a phase of high sex drive, that I am ready to serve and I want her to tell me and I want to serve her needs.

    Anyway, this is something I’ve been praying about.  I’d appreciate prayer for me to be a kind husband.  During my drive home, I realized areas where I needed to improve, and how I needed to love my wife as Christ loved the church and a few areas where I needed to love more or better.  Please pray for me to be an excellent husband to my wife, and for our marriage.  Thanks.

    Omigosh! Long narrative!

    Simply put, your wife and mine could be twins with similar desire and the facebook thing too! So on the use of the word “horny” I understand but really, when those moments of feeling sexual desire, we jump on in, right? But the attitude for you to be nicer is a little pathetic. All women want niceness. We are all busy and kids involved complicates it too. As men we do get moody and then angry and we also desire sex and the way our wives put us off can add to that anger. You mentioned kids but not ages or their impact on privacy, etc. And if sex is meant for procreation in order for her to get turned on, what happens when a baby does come along? We started doing foster care at our age (50+) and that put a baby crib in our room crying  every morning, so sex gets left behind and a lot of shushing to not wake the baby, etc. My wife is very happy to care for babies and I want her to be happy, but my sexual desire is second to her baby desires. Anyway…

    So, your desire to pray for character improvements might be based on her opinions of what nice means, or you just want a solution to get her to desire you for sex…Idunno. You can only be stretched so far before her sex refusal becomes controlling. If you feel you are “not nice” ask some people you know and get some opinions. At the same time, your fixing stuff and doing “honey-doe’s” all the time can certainly make up for any abrasiveness that you might be guilty of. My wife kept telling me I was mean and cruel to the kids but after awhile it became brightly apparent that she had some mental issues going on that was directly from hormonal issues. Needless to say, she has had some improvements in many areas with supplementation.

    Be patient and remember that if she is not trying to be unreasonable then just talk it out. Look on the good side; you are, after all, still having sex.

    on July 15, 2020.

    I’ve read some of the manosphere alpha male stuff, even applied to marriage.  There might be something to it.  I don’t want our sexual relationship to be transactional. As far as doing chores and stuff, and Honey-Do’s, I’m not wanting to create a stiuation where I do every little Honey Do for sex.  But if I turn her down to help with chores because there are more important issues that I need to take care of for work for example, I can do so in a kinder way.  Tone of voice and how I say things goes a long way.

     

    What I identified as the problem in our marriage is a need to restore the ‘desire to please’.  I Corinthians 7, talkins about marriage versus celibacy argues for celibacy by saying that the virgin seeks to please the Lord, but the married woman cares how she may please her husband.  The unmarried man cares how he may please the Lord, but the married man is concerned with how he may please his wife.  The point isn’t marriage improvement, but it implies that we are to seek to please one another in marriage. I realized my desire to please my wife had waned over time.  So had my wife’s desire to please me.  Maybe she was mirroring me, or I mirrored her.  But when I started trying to please her, she started trying to please me (this week at least.) 

     

    We’ve talked about it, and I explained this principle about wanting to please.  I’ve asked her what makes her happy.  She pointed out things I’d done recently that pleased her.  I told her some things, including sexual things, she has done, that have pleased me. It is also good in other areas of marriage.  We had a conversation on what pleases us this morning and how we can please each other, and make each other happy.  I expressed how I appreciated her new openness in the bedroom and explained how that made me feel loved and accepted.  I plan on expressing how I appreciate submission also in the future.  So I don’t see how the line I am going down is going to turn me into some kind of uber beta controled husband doing chores on the honey do list in exchange for sex. 🙂 

     

    That’s not the angle I am pursuing on this.  We are both making a conscious effort to please one another, acting like we are newly weds, and enjoying the process. Sex is one small component of this, but having a marriage where we seek to please one another can really help sex.  If she’s got an attitude of, “I want to please my man and do the best for him,” that can change a lot about what she does and is willing to do in the bedroom. Seeking to please your partner is part of the loving relationship, and we husbands have a high call when it comes to loving our wives.

     

    About the baby thing, my point was to tell my wife if the last-eggs sex drive boost happens to her and she gets a high sex drive (something I have been praying to happen to her), then it’s normal and I’ll do my best to meet all her needs.  I’d like to be chased around the bedroom for a while after the past couple of decades of the other way around.  I also realize suggesting the idea while we are going through an ‘in love’ stage might actually plant the idea in her mind.  He mind went off on the tangent of having a baby, something I thought she didn’t want anymore and didn’t know would be an issue for her.  Yours apparently went in that direction, too.  Babies deal a serious blow to the sex life.  That’s typical and goes with the territory, and is a part of the price to pay to bring someone into the world– along with the outright physical suffering women go through to deliver them.  But sex is partly for making babies anyway.    That wasn’t my point at all.

    on July 16, 2020.

    Sounds like you’re both doing good. Continue to listen. honey-do’s are just part of the territory of marriage and if ya don’t complete them, well, yeah, she might not feel sexy suddenly, so balance is key.

    on July 16, 2020.
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      I invited my wife to have a conversation this morning.  I started off by telling her some things about her that I really liked and appreciated.  I started off with, “I’m glad I married you.”  That was something I said when we first got married, and I would just tell her things about her that I really liked.  She’d enjoy that and seem kind of giddy when we were young.  She still likes it to this day.  I’d tell her physical things I liked, character issues.  She liked it all.   I told her I knew she liked when I told her those things, so I was telling her now to please her.  I asked her things that made her happy and pleased her.

      I also find if there were things she did I did not like in the past, and she changed her behavior, it will probably work best to praise the new behavior than point out the shortcomings in the past, especially if she already knows the difference.  For example, if I said, “You spoke harshly to me back in 2007 when…” that wouldn’t be especially helpful.  But if I tell her I like it when she speaks respectfully, and give her an example, or I like it when she uses a gentle, loving tone of voice, etc.

      She said she liked it when I taught the kids to honor her.  She liked it when I got them to put their computers in the cabinet, come downstairs and unpack boxes instead of expecting their mother to put the kitchen away all by herself.

      I shared some sexual things she did that I appreciated, how I felt accepted and loved when she gave her body to me.  How I appreciated her being more sexual with me after my T shots.  She really liked that.  I asked her what she would do if I got six-pack abs.  I’m going to have to slim down and really get into shape.  It has been her fantasy for a while, and I am having difficulty with it.  I’ve hit the gymn, pre T-shots.  Maybe when I get back in a gym in a month or so when we get back into our routine with the added I can look better for her.  Maybe I can do Atkins for a while.  She said if I had a six pack, she’d rape me every night.  We both laughed at that.  I told her I’d like her to have so much sex with me that I was hiding from her with my hand on my crotch in the fetal position.  We laughed.  I told her my fantasy was to wake up with her having sex with me.  I’d buy her flowers if she did that.  I’d mentioned my fantasy before, but she hadn’t paid it much attention.  It doesn’t seem outside of the realm of possibility now that she might actually try it if she wakes up before I do sometime.  She rarely initiates sex.   I’ve told her a few days ago when she came into the bedroom where I was working asking if I wanted a ‘surprise’ and wanting sex if she wanted it, just lock the door and come over, take what’s hers.  She doesn’t even have to ask.

      The thing is when you have a kind, loving attitude toward one another, you also can feel those feelings more intensely, so this stuff is genuine, certainly on my end, and I believe on hers.  I say kind romantic things to her, now, like when we were dating and first got married.   “How is my beloved doing.”  We went to Waffle House last night.  She didn’t order eggs, but when we left, she said she was craving eggs.  The dish she got didn’t have eggs, since the ones with eggs probably did not appeal to her.  So this morning, she was hungry, and I made her eggs, some garden greens with olives, and toast and told her I heard a beautiful woman last night she was craving eggs, and that gave me the idea to cook eggs.  I flirt with her more now.  We are having fun.

      Yesterday, I put away some clothes, and she said she’d have sex with me that night for doing that.  It was a little ‘transactional’, but I took it as an excuse to tell me  she would have sex with me.  I think with the increased romance, she just wants me inside her more.  We waited up late for the guy to deliver the washer and dryer and she got too sleepy to have sex, and I was exhausted, too.  We went to sleep.  We are supposed to have sex after the washer and dryer get here today.   Rarely did my wife plan sex before.  She didn’t want to commit because she didn’t want me to press her on it.  I think there is more of her wanting to have sex just because of how our relationship is going and because she knows sharing her body with me makes me happy.

      If anyone wants to try what I did, and start talking to your spouse about really trying to please each other, and putting it into action, I’d like to read the testimonies.  I suspect some couples could benefit from that, not just in their sex life, but in the whole marriage.  Of course, ‘desire to please’ is really a crucial element to a fulfilling sex life, too.

      Hammock Answered on July 16, 2020.

      My wife often promises sex for evening but life and kids ruin it. In those cases she blames me. Reality is the problem. I told her to stop promising sex later since I would be anticipating it all day. So trust in that area is at zero. Again, not her fault but she needs to note reality of life and not promise sex when fatigue, kids, and the late hour are not considered.

      on July 16, 2020.

      Actually, it is her fault. She’s breaking promises, her word, your trust in her to do what she’s said she would do. From the immediate (sex tonight) to the long-term (loving and cherishing & forsaking all others) so the bigger issue is both of you have a marriage problem, not a sex problem.

      on July 17, 2020.
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        Good news! Thanks for sharing! It’s easy for every marriage to slip into complacency, and it takes being intentional to get out and to stay out.

        Under the stars Answered on July 15, 2020.
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          “So I don’t see how the line I am going down is going to turn me into some kind of uber beta controled husband doing chores on the honey do list in exchange for sex.”

          I don’t believe it will – unless you let it. No woman wants to make love to a jerk more than once anyway. “Chore-play” is a farce, but being an active, participating, helpful part of the family and marriage is only reasonable and also beneficial in many ways.  I believe a woman is more likely to want to make love to a man who knows who he is, is strong as a leader, yet is sensitive to her desires and needs – but not overly so.

          She said she liked it when I taught the kids to honor her. She liked it when I got them to put their computers in the cabinet, come downstairs and unpack boxes instead of expecting their mother to put the kitchen away all by herself.” –  those are leadership moves. Nothing “beta” about that.

          ” I suspect some couples could benefit from that, not just in their sex life, but in the whole marriage.” –  Absolutely!

          @MrMarried – I for one appreciate your story, and applaud your success. You are proving that a man doesn’t have to give up his masculinity to be a good husband, nor does he have to act like a brutish caveman.  You are seeing the results of taking charge, being a leader, yet exhibiting the attitude of Christ – unquestionable leadership with selfless compassion. God’s way works every time it’s tried – good things will result.

           

          On the floor Answered on July 16, 2020.
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            I hope you are turning a corner in your marriage.

            On the floor Answered on July 15, 2020.
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              That is so exciting! You are lavishing love on your wife and serving her! And you’re trying to do it unselfishly! Great job!!! I know that’s hard to do but I know from experience it can change hearts! Keep loving her, giving generously and serving her uniquely feminine needs. It may not make sense to you but as a woman I could feel how special it was when you listened to her, moved the box she wanted at that moment and said those kind words! May God bless your efforts richly!

              King bed Answered on July 15, 2020.
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                Yeah!!! Glad to hear of the growth.

                One of the blessings and joys of marriage is having those “aha” moments because both are being sensitive to each other and to God. I get so overwhelmed sometimes by my wife’s kindness and generosity and when needed, gentle words of correction which the Lord can use to soften and break my heart. Sometimes I don’t like them, other times, she doesn’t, nor do I, always share them with the softness that allows the Holy Spirit to work louder than the angry words we might use to express our hurt or anger but when we get it right, it is so sweet and exciting about God’s work and His grace because we model it to each other. That’s the work of the Gospel in marriage and family and that’s humbling.

                Under the stars Answered on July 15, 2020.
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                  Nice to hear of progress, growth, breakthrough, etc. The prayers and effort are paying off. Keep up the good work!

                  Under the stars Answered on July 15, 2020.
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                    I became a better husband and a much happier man when I decided to stop trying to change my wife and instead just be the best husband I can be to her. (Not that I do that perfectly, but I try!). Leading by example is a great approach to change in marriage, as long as you play the long game, not just for a quick reward and then go back to your old ways. You can do this!

                    On the floor Answered on July 16, 2020.
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