Masturbation to increase libido?

    I’ve read a couple places that systematic masturbation can help increase libido and make couples sex better when it occurs. I’m wondering if this is true as I want to be careful what worldly advice I listen to. 

    My wife’s libido is significantly lower than mine. I crave sexual activity every 2 to 3 days and she could basically go months and has very little if any interest in sex. 

    One night I came home late and found her asleep in bed and the lube had been left out. That definitely got my attention! 😂 And turned me on.

    The next day I tried to discuss it with her but it was very awkward. She was embarrassed and when she finally answered she said that she had the urge and didn’t want to lose more libido by not engaging with it. I was very supportive and didn’t interrogate her or anything but it’s not something I could talk about with her.

    If it’s true that it will help her libido I definitely want to talk to her about it. Plus I’ve read stress relief, depression relief, etc etc. 

    Looking forward to hearing everyone’s responses.

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    13 Answer(s)

      Short answer: Yes, it does.

      There are many benefits to it for a woman. It increases self-awareness of what physically feels good. The dopamine and endorphins release decrease stress and put her in a better, more relaxed mood. It increases self confidence, especially if the wife hasn’t been able to climax during couple time. It helps a woman see herself as not just functional, but sexual simply for the sake of pleasure.

      All of these factors can combine to increase desire for sex itself. At the very least, these factors can make it easier for a woman to say yes to sex even if she doesn’t have the desire. And it doesn’t affect us the way it affects men. We don’t reallyhave a refractory period, so climaxing through masturbation doesn’t put us in a position where we can’t be aroused by our husbands.

      For me, it makes me think more about sex, which helps put me in the mood. I remember when Fifty Shades of Bad Writing came out, and a guy on the radio said that men should get their wives to read it because it increases women’s sexual desire. That’s a terrible example, but it’s how God designed women. It takes us longer to get in the mood. Thinking about sex more will help. Masturbation tends to do that. 😉 And a woman can quite easily think about her husband during masturbation. That’s a good thing.

      Combine sexual thought with the self awareness of what feels good via masturbation will help during couple time, if the wife feels comfortable enough to express her needs. This can be tough for a lot of women, though. We’re trained our whole pre-marriage lives that sex is bad. Then, one day it suddenly isn’t bad anymore. It’s often difficult to make that transition. And talking about it can be embarrassing, even with an understanding husband.

      It might be easier for your wife if you just let her know you’re ok with it and drop it for now. She’s probably already kicking herself for leaving the lube out. But next time you’re in bed, ask her to tell you what feels best to her. Help her to realize that her self awareness and communication is going to make sex better for her. Don’t just tell her, show her.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 10, 2019.
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        My thoughts go in hand with DoveGrey….

        I have had masturbation be a help to my libido, but what I am realizing is that there is a major connection to the mind. I have had it be a benefit to our marrriage and a detriment.  I just listened to a lesson on keeping passion a priority.  They mentioned how first we need to realize the difference between two words that many often use interchangeably… arousal and desire.  Arousal is our body’s response, it’s our body preparing for sexual IC.  Desire is our minds response.  Their point, in short, was women often need the desire first before arousal happens, while men usually have arousal first.  To keep passion a priority, we have to stoke our desire, which means think about sex.  Masturbation is one way to think about sex and to stoke our desire.

        For me, especially in my past, I could have my desire stoked by something I watched (like a movie) or something I read….and it didn’t have to be anything inappropriate.   That would lead me to desire for a sexual climax and release.  Or, I could just have desired the “hit of hormone release”, the relaxation, the “feel goods”, the peace and once starting it would lead me to think about sex.  Though it did not necessarily up our sexual frequency, until I made a choice, and became intentional on working on our sexual relationship..,. which may be discouraging news for some. And it also means relationship work may need to be done.

        The one thing we have agreed to as a couple in the area of masturbation, in recent years,  is that neither of us should do it if it is taking from the other.  In my past, I didn’t allow the desire it stirred draw me towards my husband, I used it instead of him, and kept him away.  I had much more sexual desire than my husband ever dreamed. He would have sworn up and down that I had zero drive or desire.

        I think it ought to be talked about.  It’s a great open door for you two. It’s just going to be a matter of the right timing and how to approach it.



        Under the stars Answered on November 10, 2019.
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          I agree, at least from my experience. I am generally HD and DH is LD. I was masturbating fairly frequently all the while my drive was staying very high. However, because of difficulties we have yet to resolve, I do not orgasm while with my DH except for very recently on the very few occasions I have masturbated to completion in his presence.  In an effort to help in that department, we agreed I would not masturbate at all. Well…the bottom fell out of my drive. As in completely gone. After waiting a month and masturbating a few times, it went way back up. Now it’s been almost two months and my drive is gone again.  I noticed after a lack of orgasms that when trying to achieve again they take much longer to reach and they are extremely light, and quite frankly very disappointing.  I read somewhere (I’m sorry I couldn’t locate the article) that when men have a lapse in orgasms, they want sex more frequently, orgasms come faster, and they are stronger. When women have a lapse, they desire sex less, take longer to achieve orgasm, it is not as pleasurable.   This holds true for me. Since to date this is the only way I can orgasm. It is really a bummer to commit to no masturbating.  I wonder if it is going to be more counterproductive. All I know is no orgasms suck and I feel like I’m being punished.

          King bed Answered on November 12, 2019.
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            For me i have to abstain because i want to save it for my husband, i will tend to do it not long after we’ve had sex because i like doing it

            On the floor Answered on November 10, 2019.
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              There is plenty of research to support systematic masturbation to increase libido for women throughout their life. We guys generally have plenty of libido, particularly in our 2nd and into our 5th decade given our copious amount of testosterone. Studies show that most guys are systematic masturbators.

              As mentioned in other posts, we have agreed to embrace our libido. If we’re together, we come together. If we are apart, we masturbate. We also encourage each other to masturbate, perhaps not always to an orgasm. This helps Mrs. Oldbear maintain her libido and enjoy her different O from her younger years. For me, it’s a combination of using it and not losing it as well as for prostate health. This is our systematic masturbation agreement and practice to enjoy sex, stay healthy, and nurture our libidos.

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 10, 2019.
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                For us, masturbation is more about exploring, discovery and sharing.  But we are both blessed with compatible libido so we don’t need to do it for that specifically.  I will comment though that when I masturbate mid-day, sex seems even better when with my DH later.

                Fell out of ... Answered on November 11, 2019.
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                  King bed Answered on November 12, 2019.
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                    I have always said masturbation improves sex drive in women (see for example the article Chelle linked to). This what we have heard from women – masturbation makes orgasm during sex easier and makes them more open to sex.

                    HOWEVER, I’ve recently seen reason to question this.  A large, well-done study found that recent masturbation (up to the last year) slightly reduced the chances a woman would orgasm during intercourse.  The study also found premarital masturbation had no statistically significant effect on the frequency of orgasm during intercourse later in life. This conflicts with my expectation, but the study seems solid so I am questioning my assumptions.

                    I’d like to see more study on this.

                    The Study: Determinants of female sexual orgasms | Socioaffect Neurosci Psychol.

                    California King Answered on November 12, 2019.
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                      @PaulB…. it seems like what you are sharing, that the study is about masturbation and orgasm, not necessarily masturbation and sex drive/desire/libido, is that right?  (I didn’t go read the study, I’m just going off of your take.)

                      Would you say that even if masturbation doesn’t help with orgasms, it can help a woman desire sex more (aka her libido)?   The effect masturbation has on orgasms aside,  I still am leaning towards the connection it has to the mind, and thinking about sex (which is almost guaranteed if masturbation is happening) raises a woman’s desire for sex.


                      Under the stars Answered on November 12, 2019.

                      Honestly, I don’t know. Half of what I thought was true about female masturbation seems to be wrong. So that makes me question the other half. I still lean towards it helping overall, but I would like to see some real study of the issue.

                      on November 12, 2019.
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                        Thanks for all the awesome input everyone! Had a great talk with my wife Sunday night after we made love and we are on the same page about this.

                        Now on how to encourage it…

                        I’m also wondering about some timely Christmas gift ideas… Would it be too much to gift an egg/bullet vibrator? What about a rabbit style? Too much too soon? She’s just getting into the practice of masturbation for this purpose but open to it. I don’t want to scare her away with toys but if it helps…

                        Twin bed Answered on November 21, 2019.
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