Meeting the higher sex drive needs
Fellows, or those with a higher sex drive than your spouse, would you be able to look your DW or DH in the eye and ask, “with my sex drive being much higher than yours it is necessary at times for me to service myself, that is to say ‘masturbate,’ at times for sanity, conscience, and morality sake, while alone in the bathroom. Would you mind if I did it here in the bed next to you?” If your found yourself in that position could you make that request? Why or why not?
Well I did make that request and the results at the time were not very reassuring.
I am the higher drive and also as I’ve posted before had never until very recently had any orgasms in the presence of my DH. I told him I would prefer being with him, even if he didn’t want to participate simply to help provide at least some level of intimacy. I am tired of taking care of my needs alone and feeling isolated in that. For a while, about six months, he asked me not to MB at all. Well that felt like forced abstinence to me and obviously I wasn’t happy about that either. He has since stated I could take care of myself if needed but I don’t think asking for that is out of line at all. Although it did take me a while to build up the courage to even discuss it. I am hoping as we are trying to work through things that this will be an area we can also come to some agreement on. At this time it is still a solo act for me.
I agree with @LBD also in that I have voiced a desire to engage in other acts besides PIV. I really don’t think he has ever thought about it until some of our recent talks. I never remember a time during our marriage that an offer was ever made on my behalf until two weeks ago, to fulfill a need that I was having. Of all the many times I’ve provided pleasure for my DH an offer to reciprocate was never received.
I concur with Slipthegrasp. Early on in marriage I would have expected a cold response to that request. I did try once about 7 years in to discuss it, at a point where she was a little more open and interested, but there was definitely a “gross/don’t tell me about it” response. Like @STG, I’m enjoying a healthier sex love these days and don’t feel the urge to handle my own needs these days, but if I did I’d probably inquire and she just *might* be open to that.
I probably wouldn’t have. I would want to talk about our different libidos frankly and openly first. If possible I would have wanted her to learn and understand what a HD is like and hopefully educate her in the area of doing things together to meet each others needs more fully.
However, if there was no openness to that and little understanding of the need for more frequent release, I would have considered doing what you suggest.
We have added this as a part of our sexual experience, but it is usually a downgrade from a request for a more mutually interactive experience. Sometimes she is more present in the experience and is more willing to touch and kiss me during. This is more what I am actually wanting, passion and intentional pursuit of mutual sexual connection. Like sex without penetration, but still have an orgasm. When Wifey is only able to be physically present next to me without being a participant, it does feel a bit awkward. In those times I think I’d rather MB in the shower alone because the lack of connection hurts.
DW has no problem with me taking matters into my own hands sometimes if I need to (not very often). But it would feel a bit strange if she was not in some ways connected with the act, so basically she watches me and is happy for me to finish on her body. To start with I did feel a bit self conscious doing it (is this a bit kinky?) but she told me she didn’t think there was anything wrong with it and she finds it reassuring that I her body is a turn-on if I need to masturbate.
In my 20’s and 30’s leading into our 40’s I know she would have just thought me a pervert and she would have told me as much. I take this from the many other things that I did to expand our sexual unity. In fact she did tell me I was a pervert in response to wanting to try out AS. But the overwhelming sexual drive with a gatekeeper DW was more than a hormonal reaction that was overpowering, it was emotionally diminishing. Sex once a week was coupled with MB three times a week. Well, why not let her be a part of watching what she is missing. If I had to do it over again, that is exactly what I would do. So no, I never asked. At three to four times a week presently I don’t need to MB and don’t need to ask. But if i had thought of it, I certainly would have in order to but the full picture on the table.
I did that one time many years ago. She participated by laying topless close to me. I can’t remember the lead up to it but I know it was a time when I asked and she just couldn’t or wouldn’t have sex otherwise. Maybe she was on her period?? Long time and many miles since then. But mainly I remember it being a little weird and I’ve never pursued it again. I suppose we have adopted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude. Fortunately I don’t have to worry about it very often.
What I would like to do more often is ask her for direct participation in a non-PIV encounter. I would love for her to offer it on her own at times. What I don’t know is how to approach her with that without making her feel inadequate or pressured. I have mentioned it in passing a couple times over the years but it either is ignore or missed. I think the truth is that she just doesn’t think about it. Nothing malevolent, just not intentional otherwise.
After 15 years of low sex, I did approach her about this and while at the time, she was kind of anti-masturbation, she told me ok during her period ONLY. We did that for several years. Other than during her period, I was not to self pleasure and she better not find out I did or get caught doing it. During her period, I didn’t have to hide etc., just do it with her at night in bed.
We have had this discussion and she has permitted me to M laying next to her if she is not in the mood. I prefer her being more active (e.g. handjob in bed, or shower), but this added activity helps when for whatever reason her participation is off the table.
In the rare times that DH wanted/needed sex more frequently than I, I was more than happy for him to M in the bathroom by himself. At that point it probably wouldn’t have occurred to us for him to M with me just lying there; I did at times take care of him without partaking myself, so to speak.
My view was always that if I wasn’t up to providing sex for him myself, I certainly didn’t want him tempted to look elsewhere for it, so if he was in our bathroom, among our things and then coming to bed with me, that was a win. The periods of time when this would have been an issue were few and far between, however.